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Can We Minimize/reverse The Bitterness We Have Developed Towards Someone?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Anusha2917, Jul 27, 2021.

  1. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Poison of cobra can cure cancer too. Nectar of one man is poison for another. At the same time if consumption exceeds limits it can turn into poison.
    Moderation .....
     
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    It is very difficult...I haven’t got over my resentment and bitterness towards my in laws,...there are times when I have an intense feeling of irritation and hatred towards them. your thread is very useful and I hope I benefit from it..
     
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  3. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    It is a long journey and do not be hard on yourself especially in this pandemic situation and handling many responsibilities at a time as homemaker and mother. Try to just focus on things that bring you joy or you can do to relax with a set schedule. Take care of your health, pursue hobbies and keep yourself happy. :)
     
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  4. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Sir,

    Thank you so much for your reply. I always look forward to your guidance in any challenges I face. I wouldn't disregard any advice from you.

    I haven't put across the exact issues in my thread. However I want to convey that it's not that their abuse is hurting me, they both are gem of a person but what hurts me is their rigidity.
    They are extremely rigid in their beliefs and practices. I reach a point where I can no more accept their rigid nature and end up hurting everyone. I'm practicing to be more patient with them (with my husband too as he feels he's not respected when I argue with him or snap at his parents) . But the more I force myself to be patient with them the more I'm losing control on that. The whole idea of "not getting angry/irritated" is lost with my emotions.

    I have always been very clear with my husband that keeping them close to us (not in the same house) but maybe next house or same apartment or same area would be ideal for me. That's the set up we(me and my sibling)did for my parents. But he did not work towards that set up and always insisted we all stay together in same house. He has his own reasons for that. Every time a fight happens(not frequently - 2 times so far) poor them are moved to one of his sister's house and they have been very very rigid that they will stay only with the "son" and not with the daughters even for a single day. Even I hate that because of me they are undergoing this . But whatever the reasons are, for me to compromise my space, my freedom and my happiness in the home is taking a toll on my mental health. My home is no longer a "happy space" for me.

    I have also been rigid this time (for my own happiness and for their well being) that if they come back from one of his sister's house I will be moving to my mother's and we can eventually figure out in a year or so about renting/leasing a house for my in laws in our apartment complex. (It's not that my mother stays very far. It's just few floors above our house and the house is pretty big and spacious for my mom n dad alone - accomodating me there for next few months is not a problem for them) . Somehow my husband says "this won't be right". What exactly bothers him in this proposal of mine he cannot express. (He never expresses his feelings openly) . When I say I will be moving to my mother's I meant all my things will be here in this house and I would be there at mom's most of the time doing my work and it's my husband's responsibility to maintain the house along with his parents and I get the responsibility of maintaining my parents house . That way they have their space at home and I will have mine (though I won't be 100% okay staying even with my parents - but can manage for few months until we figure out financially how we can afford one more house in the same society) . Neither my husband is okay with this proposal nor has conveyed it to my in laws.

    But for now I am trying my best to divert my energy on something else and hoping my husband figures out an option which would make everyone comfortable .

    Somehow this time I feel I'm more at peace by letting go of the situation rather than trying to figure out "why, what, how".

    Also I feel not staying in the same house will help me(not sure about them) reduce the bitterness we(me and in laws) have developed towards each other.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2021
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  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Anusha,

    I am so sorry for misunderstanding your problem. Probably, I got clouded by what my wife experienced. This response from you makes it clear it is more of individual choices that varies and you like your freedom and would like to feel comfortable at home.

    I believe this issue can be resolved by living in an adjacent house or somewhere in the same apartment complex. I assume your position to move to your parents’ home is temporary until your husband figures out how it would work. Instead of moving out when they come back home which may disturb your husband’s mind as he might feel he was placed in a position to choose between the parents and wife, can you give him more time say 3-6 months after your in-laws come back? This might appear reasonable to your husband. Just sharing my thoughts. You are the best judge in this matter.
     
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  6. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    No issues here as I hadn't mentioned the problem in the thread.

    Yes the reason to share it here with you was to get a perspective. I don't want to assume I'm doing the best by doing what I feel.

    Thank you for your reply. :)
     
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  7. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    Having bitterness is part of being human and that’s okay. You don’t need to forgive them because you won’t forget what they did. But you don’t have to show it on ur face? Just be polite and cordial. Keep your distance.
     
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  8. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Silver IL'ite

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    I really wanted an answer to this question a while back...

    My inlaws have done things that no mother/wife can forgive. I cant forgive them for what they did and cant forget too. But I have told myself that all the anger I keep in me is a direct negative impact on my children ( and me). Even if I end up burning to ashes due to my anger on them; their lives are intact....

    What affects me affects my children... I wont let them affect my children thru me; they had done it with my husband.

    I am not 100% sucessful all the time but I am trying things like diverting mindfully when I think of them and not entertaining them on their hollow small talk etc... I dont meditate as such ( I want to!).. but I do actively try to be mindful and its helping.
     
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  9. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Silver IL'ite

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    You are in luck if your H is atleast 50% on your side... it will help. Else you are on our own and its still doable albiet tough.
     
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