1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Can We Minimize/reverse The Bitterness We Have Developed Towards Someone?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Anusha2917, Jul 27, 2021.

  1. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    2,246
    Likes Received:
    6,380
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Abc.

    Your reply is something I have been reading coming back to the thread. It makes so much sense. But it's my own ego which stops me from being nice to them. I have a lot of ego when it comes to my in laws. The moment I think of going back and talking to them I get the thought " I am nice to people who are nice to me, why should I be nice to someone who are not nice to me? "

    I am giving myself some more time. While it may seem "not right" for others(them and my husband) but I feel giving more time to myself I may feel better. I don't wanna cheat myself with false promises rather feel taking time and letting go of the situation as it is for now will do good in future.

    Thanks for your reply :)
     
    abc00 likes this.
  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,069
    Likes Received:
    5,634
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    @Anusha2917 I have no suggestions but I am also looking for a solution!

    What to do in cases were husband very well knows inlaws are wrong for controlling behaviour but expects wife to listen and adjust to them no matter what?
     
    SCA, Viswamitra and Anusha2917 like this.
  3. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    877
    Likes Received:
    1,494
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I think most of the husbands think alike.. :disappointed:
     
    shravs3 and Anusha2917 like this.
  4. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    684
    Likes Received:
    676
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi @Anusha2917 I'm glad you are giving a second thought to my suggestion. That itself somehow makes me feel that you are a nice person at heart but not being treated nicely by others. Give yourself time to execute your strategy but on your own terms. Remember that no one might acknowledge your so called sacrifice /strategy which you must have taken after so much thinking. You should do it for your own peace of mind.

    I'm telling this out of my own experience. I was initially reluctant to be nice to others but I faked it until I made it - in the sense - the conflict of being nice to them for the sake of peace but my unhappiness inside prevailed for a long time...but the bullies slowly moved away. I have seen many women (incl me) seeking closure from people who hurt us. The closure we expect is somewhat filmy -like them asking for apology or changing into good characters - but in real life such stories doesn't exist. We have to become our own script writers and direct the movie of our life from this point. We have to chalk out our character in such a way that it should confuse others who hurt us. Become strong when it is an option for you and not when you run out of choices. This will help to satisfy your ego.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2021
    Viswamitra, Anisu, messedup and 3 others like this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    11,114
    Likes Received:
    26,997
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    So neatly put!

    True!
     
    Anusha2917 and Viswamitra like this.
  6. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    684
    Likes Received:
    676
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    @shravs3 You should address this issue in 2 parts.

    Firstly, you should give the benefit of doubt to your hubby based on other factors. I mean to say - is he a good person overall , his relationship with you, your side of the family, your kids (if any). Then if he gets good points in all aspects, you should understand that his parents controlling behavior is beyond his control.

    Secondly, based on the first point, you should deal your relationship with in-laws separately vs hubby . You should not let one thing affect the other. This will help you in solving the issue at least 50%. Having said this, you should not let your in-laws control you. Our frustration might be more from the fact the hubby is not supportive than the real issue itself. Think about this.
     
    Viswamitra, shravs3 and Anusha2917 like this.
  7. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    155
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    This is literally everything I have gone through over a span of decade and still working on it, but can definitely say I remove the other party from equation now. I just always measure my response and see every time how I can improve and be more detached irrespective of the situation or person. If I end up feeling same negativity I tell myself that I was not in right frame of mind and forgive myself. My mantra is pain is inevitable but suffering is up to us. It pains or hurts when something happens but going back to that past repeatedly and expecting something not in our control is what is I call suffering . When I become aware of this, it puts me at ease and tell myself that ‘this too shall pass’.
     
    Anusha2917, Viswamitra and abc00 like this.
  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    11,762
    Likes Received:
    20,884
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi Anusha,

    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this turmoil inside your mind. This is the time to focus your attention to the milestones of your precious baby. My wife was in your situation and I was in your husband's shoes when we got married and I have experienced how my wife was struggling the conflict in her mind. On oneside she is overwhelmed with her love for me and on an another side, she was facing endless thoughts about the words said to her by my mother. It was a struggle for me as well as I have a duty to work towards emotional well-being of my wife while keeping my relationship with my mother.

    Unfortunately, whether inlaws and you live under the same roof or not, this conflict will remain as they are your husband's parents. I believe your internal conflicts affects you more than anyone else. When I consulted a psychologist to solve the problem we were encountering, he suggested that we all should have the circle of influence and a healthy boundary among people who we love and people we live with. A good relationship involves an open communication, trust & support, boundaries, fairness and freedom for the individual's self-respect and thoughts. In a family setting, sometimes communication, trust & support, fairness and freedom of self-respect and thoughts get eroded leaving one to rely entirely on the boundaries we set up with everyone.

    Awareness of this conflict inside in your mind is the first step. No one can resolve this other than yourself. What hurts the most is lack of emotional and mental boundaries as people say whatever they like to say in a family setting. You need to keep yourself in a purple first love, your husband and child in a green second love and your in-laws in an amber third love. Make sure this third love doesn't move into red zone which results in hate.

    The reason why you go through this struggle today is because your in-laws have violated your first love i.e. yourself resulting in affecting your second love i.e. your husband. As I always believe, it is not what is said by your inlaws that affects you but how you reacted inside. Boiling milk gets subsided only when we pour water into it or when we switch off the stove. The heat of what inlaws said is difficult to subside and hence you need to instantly pour your thoughts about your love for your husband. Similary, think of how those reactions are affecting your mental state and your need to tender to your baby.

    In the book "Seven Habits of highly effective people", Steven Covey explains how his complusive thoughts considering the demands of meeting the societal expectation affected his own thinking of his underperforming child. His attitude changed when he thought purely from the perspective of his own love for his child and his child's unique personalities and other capabilities, ignoring the demand of the society and its standards. He also explains in the book how the people in the concentration camp faced the humiliation by separating themselves from those abuses.

    Set your boundaries for your inlaws in defence of your self-worth. Continue your unconditional love to your husband and child. Make it clear to your mind that your self-worth and your love for your husband and child can not be compromised. When this strong defence is built, Inlaws abuses become secondary. Time is the healer. When you are brimming with Self confidence and filled with self-love, it becomes a formidable defence. This will eliminate your reaction inside of you from what you hear from inlaws. Most importantly, remember that when you argue about your inlaws, it only confirms to you mind that you are irreversably placed in a conflict. Don't allow that to happen. Assume solving your conflict inside is much more important than resolving the relationship with your inlaws and that can be done by you and only by you alone.

    I always belive when we sulk with a conflict, it only proves to the other person that their devious words had the necessary effect on our mind. Once we demonstrate our self-confidence and self-worth unaffected by it, sooner or later, the other person gives up their line of attack. One can overcome emotional abuse only in the mind and not through words.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2021
    Amica, Anusha2917, NOW and 1 other person like this.
  9. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,903
    Likes Received:
    8,335
    Trophy Points:
    490
    Gender:
    Male
    :hello:If intent is clear to ameliorate then one can think of ways and means by extending invitation to in lakes to participate in Sumangali prarthanai, bhajans Ganapathy or Navagraha Homam, anniversaries and seek their blessings by visiting the at their residence on occasions like birth & wedding anniversaries Of self or children .. etc.

    Care to exercise not to bring in discussion of past skirmishes or bickering. Recall the best in any of in laws of which you were excited in the past.

    But I do remember that Tamil savant in his kural said
    தீ‌யினா‌‌ற் சு‌ட்டபு‌ண் உ‌ள்ளாறு‌ம் ஆறாதே நா‌வினா‌ல் சு‌ட்ட வடு
    This is the by far the best Thirukkural.

    You cannot be more spot-on that this!!

    For non-Tamils, it means that “Even the deepest burns caused by fire will heal one day, but the burns caused by words won’t heal”. Philosophy might easily say “Don’t be swayed by other’s opinions”. But, is this really possible?

    In case someone hurts you, you tend to ponder over what that person had said. So, whenever you are reminded of that person or meet him/her again, the incident crops up.

    The “burns” that Thiruvalluvar talks about lingers forever.
     
    Anusha2917 and Viswamitra like this.
  10. shilpamaroli

    shilpamaroli Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    18
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Read it somewhere......hatred is a poison you drink and expect someone else to die!
     
    Anusha2917 and Viswamitra like this.

Share This Page