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Can we do something for women like Jenita?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by drjp, May 29, 2008.

  1. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    I took this out of the thread for Jenita because Jenita's case is one extreme and probably tip of the iceberg of the domestic harrasment problem. This is an attempt understand the severity of the problem, especially in US.

    In the last 3 months, I came across atleast 5 such cases, where the groom is NRI --- gets married---- harrasses wife (for money or for relationships etc)--- wife either gets depressed, commits suicide or she is driven away from home. We have several cases on this forum, CMIT is an example. Now that I am out of such a relationship, retrospectively, I cannot stop wondering: how did I ignore such blatant red signals about the harrassment in my life? The simple answer is, I thought that is life; because I did not talk to anyone..........I did not interact with too many families very closely, avoided all the kitty parties because they GOSSIP, and my duty is to work this marriage one way or the other - Just like a frog in the well. Here, I should say a little about me, I am an outgoing, independet person with good career and good social relationships. Despite of all these qualities, I failed miserably in acknowledging the red flags........ why? Probably, because I did not discuss about my problems with my family or friends : (1) I thought they would feel bad for not being able to help, they do not need more stress in life (2) every time I was in a bad situation, I pacified myself saying this is just a passing phase and treated it as isolated incident (did not add up all my previous incidents).

    Having said that, about the problem per se--

    In India, the 498a law is keeping much of the domestic violence in check (atleast in the educated families). However, things are different in US --- these NRI men feel they are free.......no fear of family, friends, law, society. BTW, the 498a.org is absolute BS site, by men that feel they should defend themselves.....and feel they are always right. I feel it takes a lot for a woman to come out of the shell of being in a complete family, and file a case against her husband and family members. If the men and their families were more receptive to her complains before she filed 498a, she would not have filed it. ..... very simplebonk
    My analysis with the few cases I followed suggests that, the different ways some indian women are harrassed in US are:

    1) Most common is financial (it may not be called dowry all the time, neverthelss money related)
    2) relationships: I think the expectations from a DIL increase by leaps and bounds when they are in US. The harrassment gets to the DIL as she is alone without support.

    In India, women tend to have a lot of social support both from family and friends. In US, the relationships are very superficial (this is a general statement). In addition, because of the lifestyle most women end up with no life of their own, they are busy taking care of family and work (if they are working). This leads to a routine life without introspection into their own life and personality.

    My question:
    Can we do something for such women? Is it possible for IL'ites in every city to come together and form a "women group",..... through kitty parties etc, that would give most women a forum to "gossip" about their life (I used dislike this word, but now I am starting to appreciate it, because it helps to introspect your life......In a way counselling yourselves).
    Most of the 498a cases are leading nowhere because of the lawyers in both countries. The men in US, feel as long as they are in US nobody can touch them. Can we compaign for some sort of support from US government to help with the Indian goverment arrest warrants/summons?
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2008
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  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Drjp,

    Good to see you transitioned to "Junior Ilite". Congratulations.

    I am glad that you started this thread. Its quite pertinent. But my take on 498 is little different. I dont think its helping any party in troubled marriage. Only party being benefitted by it is corrupt police official, Judges and other court staff. Poor aggrieved victim party gets rather more flustered with raging court fees and bribes.

    Only subtle satisfaction they may get is some arrest warrant, or some tough court decision. But none of it will help the girl in question. Neither the groom side come to terms for reconciliation nor Guy will change his ways. I have seen couple of girls sides give up these long frsutrating court battle after 5-6 years. And actual problem has never got solved.

    I think more than talking about we need change in our perception of troubled marriage. Any marriage which is going on road of split, doesnot need ten police warrant or ten judges to mull over. All it needs is flexible In-laws, concerned wards and willing parties. At the end of it, it boils down to two willing people. I dont think this punishing the guy side attitude will help the girls. Only way i see it affecting them is drain their already slim bank account.

    I think making girls stronger will help them in better way. Its duty of every parents to make sure that they teach their kid how to handle life in crisis. Sometime crisis dont come because we chose them, sometime it happens for other's mistakes too. I personally think indian gals are made to believe , marriage is life and death. I even see that in so many of NRI people. If marriage broken , as if right hand broken. A strong woman and better social attitude is all we need to handle this menace.
    If only society didnt blame the gal alone for failure and look down upon remarriage. It would have been far less taboo than it s.

    Ria
     
  3. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    I can't agree any less with Ria.

    Girls today are educated they can understand the difference between the good and bad. So, its you who has to be strong, able to judge situations and be pro active and take the right decision at the right time.

    If you can't do so, take help of others...atleast here at IL you have so many of them like SS and Ria and now a couple of more young ladies who seem to think rationally.

    Also, i feel parents should not think that now the daughter is married let them fend for themselves or vice-versa. Please talk to your family / friends whom you can confide in and guide you in adverse situations.

    Lets not have the attitude of let me teach them a lesson...instead be strong and learn to move away and look at the future with a more matured and positive attitude leave the punishment aspect to nature.
     
  4. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Roopa and Ria,

    I completely agree with your comments. A girl should be strong and stand for herself. And instead of filing a case, maybe she can learn to stand for herself.

    All of this needs confidence. Confidence that she will be able to face the world after separation, that someone will support her emotionally.. maybe parents or a friend.

    I have seen many cases in which people prefer that their daughter should face the harrassment rather than come out and lead a better life. It is the parents who should take the responsibility to educate their daughter and cultivate the confidence in her.
     
  5. 498_harrased

    498_harrased Guest

    Why do you want another 498a in the US? Thats the worst possible thing that happened in India. Divorce rates have zoomed and the ex-husband usually tries to strike back instead of reconciliation. I don't think you have ever read that law or understood the comments on 498a.org, no one there is trying to defend themselves. There is a basic provision in IPC, namely that one is innocent till proven guilty, then out of nowhere comes this man hating law which declares that Husband is guilty and he has to prove his innocent.
    Just think about it, even a terrorist or serial killer is innocent till proven guilty but not a husband who is suspected of harassment.This is a great law for women who want to cheat and dupe someone, not for women who intend to repair a relationship.
    The US already has laws against domestic abuse. Women are just not aware of them.
     
  6. pavithrasriram

    pavithrasriram Bronze IL'ite

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    hi drjp,
    women these days are empowered with good education and equal working oppurtunities.i think they are changing these days though we still do see victims of dowry and domestic abuse atleast some women are taking a step to come out of such harrasment.
    i think as members of soceity we should help these people rather than passing comments about them.
    As for these laws i have seen one of my friend wait 3-4 years for her divorce to go through.i think as ria suggested we need flexible in-laws and willing parties and not 10 judges and lawyers who unnecessarily drag cases sometimes for their own monetary benefits!
    and also we need understanding parents who can support their daughter incase of harrasment and abuse instead letting them get on with it.
    let's make sure we pass on good values to our future generations so that they can be better human beings who can respect each other.
    regards
    pavi
     
  7. Naksh

    Naksh Platinum IL'ite

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    Old case. To me it looks like the girl was not pushed out. And that the accidnet was not staged. And that the guy did not abandon (?) this girl , media is the culprit here. Even if he wished to, i think hospital would not allow him to...common sense tells that.

    It was an accident. But could have been avoided, if the guys parents behaved themselves. I hope this incident taught them a lesson and i say they learned it the hard way. And on expense of this poor girls life, her unborn kid's (their own grand child's) , and their own sons life. .and their own daughters life.....what a bunch of idiots....Their stupidity, idiocity ruined two lives (guy and girls).

    Pregnant, accidnet on a freeway - Scary thought. cant imagine how this 23 yr old girl suffered.... hope other parents learn from their case!

    Abandon? - LOL. girls father was adamant on transfering the guaridng ship...what else would the guy do...throw it on his face. Sebastian ocmes across as a bad person. And the guys parents too. Guy and the girl to me looked innocent, may be bad but not curel. I hope they find peace.

    Both sets of parents should be sent to sahara with out any water...buggers!

    I feel govt/media should ocncentrate on showing what has happened , whats the root cause and please other people (specially in arranged marriages) to not do such things as it affects their own children's life. Leave Ego...can be the title.... just like how they have advertisements tellign the importance of eggs, dhoodh, ...similary if they made such ads...it would greatly help i guess.......young people will not have any idea of marriage, dowry n such issues. If these ads are showcased on tv about not to take dowry, and other such thigns....they get enlgitend. to leave young couples alone, how to welcome a new perosn to their home n such things.....instead of wasting their time in making these dirty daily serials, where a girl would always be cryign her lungs out, another girl will be plotting plans pe plans....ekta drame.

    for the First tie ...iam not wnt'g to use any smiley buttons.
     
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  8. godsgrace

    godsgrace Bronze IL'ite

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    Well said Naksh..agree 100%.
     
  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    @Naksh: Excellent post Naksh. Really appreciate the points you have made.
     
  10. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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