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Can Marriage Be Purely Platonic?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anayasree, Jul 10, 2018.

  1. anayasree

    anayasree Silver IL'ite

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    My previous problem got solved on its own cos my in-laws had to move back to their city to take care of my mil's parents. I have come back with a different issue that has been eating me for a while now.

    DH and I never had a good sex life, problem being my vaginismus (pain during sex). We did it only while TTC, probably because of my problem did not get pregnant naturally. After 3 failed IUIs, we now have a beautiful IVF baby. So now I should be happy right? But I am not!

    I so wish we had a decent sex life. We dont get intimate at all. Its been almost 2 years since we did it. I hoped the normal delivery would have helped with my fear. We tried to do it recently, but I was again scared, so it did not happen. DH was so pissed at me, he shouted at me like crazy (something he has never done before and has always been supportive). I was so heart broken I sometimes think it would be ok if he had sex outside marriage if he wanted to.

    Later he apologized and told me we could go to for fertility treatments again if I want to have another baby, but no more s**. He said he is okay with it. Thats how he has been ever since our marriage. I want to have another baby so much but I also want to have a regular sex life and have a baby naturally like my friends, like how they find out as a surprise, and not go thru an antogonizing 2 week waiting for the results from the doctor.

    DH said if I want we could go for counselling. But I am not sure I want to. In the last 5 years, I have started hating sex, not the act itself but the fact that I cant do it. Even the thought of having sex is bring back my memories of how everytime we try, it gets painfull for me and it ends with both of us getting upset.

    So again, is sex that important in a marriage? Will a sexless marriage last? Can my DH be like this life-long or at some point will he start blaming me? We dont fight because of this, but some times very rarely when one of our fights gets nasty, it ends with him asking "Already I am adjusting with no-sex life, what more do you want me to do?". That shuts me up cos I have nothing to reply.

    (Note: Did not post in intimacy sub-forum cos my question is not about intimacy itself, but more about my relationship with DH due to lack of it)
     
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  2. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry if this sounds rude, I myself am very disturbed due to marital issues right now. Is vaginismus the only cause for IVF? If thats the case, doctor would have suggested counselling or lubricant or something else but not IVF.
    I myself am suffering from similar issue as yours. After IVF and first baby, i totally lost interest in sex and it became very painful for me. Though we didn't have it very often before too, I used to enjoy. Now, my husband blames me for not having good sex life at all. It makes me upset as that's not the fact. He used to sleep late and wake up late and I had to start to work early which made me tired by end of night and we never could work a mutual time. He disagrees all that and puts complete blame on me. Many ILs here advised me in many posts that intimacy is key to married life. Men have more desire than women on average and though he is understanding now, it might backfire later. Don't let this spoil your relation which looks like a blessing from what you have written. Not everyone gets an understanding husband like that.
    I suggest you to start working towards it. Go for counselling and also talk to your OBGYN about this. Give your husband a sense that you are sincerely working towards it. Take your husband too to the counselor so he can get tips to be supportive to you. As far as I read on Internet, it can be easily overcome.
    Talk to your doc and get clear picture about second kid. I know how you are feeling as I had IVF for both pregnancies and I so much wanted it to be a natural process.
     
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  3. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husband sounds very understanding. His is a tough situation, and his suggestion to visit a counselor is a really supportive action. I think you should honestly give it a try, so that you can learn to deal with this.

    I understand that you experience vaginal pain, but are you at all interested in sex/intimacy? Why not try other ways (would expand if in Intimacy section) to give him and YOU satisfaction? Have you tried reading erotica or watching erotic content? I think visiting a counselor can help you both find suitable alternatives.

    Personally, I think sex should be more than a vehicle to conceive children. It shouldn't be a chore. And it's quite important to both men and women - clearly it's important to you as well, but your fear is keeping you. What I find interesting is that childbirth did not improve sex for me, especially since I had a 4th degree laceration. After healing and actively practicing kundalini yoga, I am more relaxed...there, so less pain.

    Try to deal with your mental hang ups and try some self-care techniques (spa, massage, etc) to help you relax.
     
  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    You want to have a healthy sex life but don't want to go to counselling n hating the thought of it because you can't do it - what are you actually doing to fix this situation ?

    Legally, this is a ground for divorce as this is one of the marital rights. Even many women have lodged it n gotten divorced from their husbands due to lack of intimacy.

    You most definitely need counselling n medical assistance.

    You are lucky enough to have such an understanding husband, you will understand that if you read just a few threads in the marriage forum.

    As years goes by, resentment will build to an enormous level as a complete platonic relationship is not possible as he sounds like a man with normal needs but who is frustrated about this, if he's deprived through out his life, it may not end well. Usually people will start getting bitter or find alternative ways. It's part of any adult human's basic needs, the level may vary, but it's there.

    So if you feel he's worth it, you are worthy it n your marriage n this family is worth it, start putting in the extra effort n fix this. Read online articles for additional positive reinforcements. Don't let this ruin your life n imagine how positive n happy you n this family can be if you fix this.
     
  5. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    You have a child. You both are young .why are so focused on another child. Why are so focused on the intercourse part of it. Sex is a beautiful experience. Go to a good doctor. Follow the instructions. Meanwhile seduce or read. Exercise.

    Don't be shy. Problem is most of women are shy and then they blaming others . Physical love is the ultimate gift to.man. it is subconscious and they do get angry if it.does.not go well. That does not mean they always have a right to be angry . You dh seems understanding. Don't waste your young age.
     
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  6. anayasree

    anayasree Silver IL'ite

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    So when I say we dont ever get intimate, I am talking about the actual act to get pregnant. We do engage in other ways sometimes.

    I understand counselling is the right way to go, but not sure why I am still so confused. Anyway, thanks a lot everyone for taking the time to respond.
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Can Marriage Be Purely Platonic?

    Only if both agree. If not, it will not work

    YES it is important in marriage. If not, what you call your dh. Room mate? I think you need to work on this and make sincere effort to solve this issue. It is fixable. Try counselling or visit OBY. If your husband became a bitter or angry/frustrated person or seek pleasure outside marriage how can you blame him- There are many like that. You are denying him the basic thing in marriage for whatever reasons. If he blames you, how can you blame him. I can understand the issue, you can make sincere effort and communicate well with dh that you are working on it and you need his help. How long he can adjust this way? only time can tell. I think its your turn now.

    You are lucky that you got an understanding & good person as your husband. Try to fix this issue before it is too late.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2018
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Your problem can be solved with the help of your husband, sex therapist & clinical physiologist, I believe. Please explore about it.
     
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  9. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    Never ever convey this thought in words to him. Let it remain as a thought within yourself. Because your primary condition is a very treatable medical entity. Combination of gynaecologist's advice and a psychiatrist's cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) will help.

    Ask your gynecologist to refer you to the nearest psychotherapist for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for Vaginismus.

    The immense value of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy ( CBT) in this situation, has been understood very recently

    Please go through:

    Cognitive-behavioral therapy for women with lifelong vaginismus: process and prognostic factors. - PubMed - NCBI

    It's not an uncommon condition. Every gynecologist with busy practice, must be seeing at least two cases of Vaginismus, every week.

    It's fairly, easily treatable medical condition. There is a thought block in one's mind with Vaginismus.

    That is where the value of cognitive behaviour therapy comes in Breaking this thought block.

    The issue is , you have not reached the proper Doctor (who has knowledge and experience in treating the specific condition) yet
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2018
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  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Please treat the condition soon..
    Don't spoil your married life on this.
     
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