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Can i trust and proceed or should i forget and move on?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by FE40, Nov 16, 2012.

  1. FE40

    FE40 Silver IL'ite

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    I belong to the 'separated' status for many years now. Reasons were incompatibility and indifference towards each other for a long time. Not yet taken a divorce for the sake of daughter. Two years ago, I entered into a relationship with a divorcee. Initally, he was not ready to commit, but later insisted that i take a divorce immediately, so that we can proceed to marriage. I was not able to take it immediately as the request was turned down for 'status' reasons, so mutual divorce was impossible. So I was could not commit immediately. When i told this, he misunderstood that i wanted to be 'still married', he parted and his job took him out of this city too. He stopped communicating with me for sometime.

    But after a while, we started to keep in touch again, he also informed me that he had moved back to ex-wife and son. I wished him good luck and good life. I kept my communication with him mimimum, though i could not cut it completely, as we were very good friends as well. He asked me about how my life is, it told him that i am in the same status again.

    Recently, he called me and told that his marriage is bad again and he is undergoing lot of tensions. I heard his story, but was helpless in doing anything, except for listening without offering any suggestion. We spoke to each other for a month or two. We did not meet as he is in another city.

    Now, again he made a serious proposal, and asked me whether we can get married. Though i did not turn down his request, i told him that my divorce procedure will take a long time as i have to fight a case. And asked him whether he was willing to wait. Meanwhile i also asked whether he is sure that he wants to break again with his Ex. He told yes, and said that he had paid more alimony again. But he is a hurry to remarry. He also added that, if i turn down the proposal this time, he will never revert back.

    I loved him a lot, but now after these incidents, just dont understand what is in his mind. What i understand is ... he feels so lonely without a relationship. So immediately after parting with me, he went back to his Ex. and regretting now. For me, i liked him a lot, he is the only relationship i had since i got separated 7 years back, so am also finding it difficult to move on. Our relationship lasted for one year and i cherish all the memories.

    First time, our miscommunication ended in break up, then we became friends again. He is making a proposal again, but again he is in a hurry. My question is, whether he will remain stable with me once we marry? Or he still has feelings for his Ex, and he may shunt to her again?

    When i asked him, what made him go back to his Ex., his answer was it was because of his 'son' and 'humanity' (as she was undergoing a serious surgical procedure). Since i am not in a position to commit yet, i have not asked any more questions to him. But he insists that i answer 'yes' or 'no'. I love him very much, no doubt, but i neither want to take him for granted and hold him, not let the love blind me.

    Can i trust him and proceed taking all the risks? Or forget and move on with this life?

    Please give your comments.
     
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  2. ssm014

    ssm014 Platinum IL'ite

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    as they say, "once bitten twice shy"

    You are right by going with your gut instincts....u should not rush into marriage #2 just cos he is pushing...
     
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  3. bindumoon

    bindumoon Senior IL'ite

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    You should first get divorced from your husband before you even think and worry about a second marriage.
    Unless you are consindering about moving back to your H.
    Being seperated for 7 years but not getting divorced for the sake of your daughter make no sense to me.
    Legally you started an affair with that divorcee as you were/are still married.
     
  4. DivyaBharati

    DivyaBharati Silver IL'ite

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    If ths second guy really loves you, he should understand and stand by you during your entire divorce procedure .. I feel he is bit unstable and desperate to come out of his loneliness..
    First make it clear to him that your divorce should be settled before you can take any step further. If he really loves you he should help you instead of pushing you to take decision ASAP ....
    You are already hurt with one man so don't marry hastily and spoil your peace again. Take your time and follow your gut instincts ..
     
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  5. Uttaraa

    Uttaraa Platinum IL'ite

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    Your reliance on him to get out of your married life. His assurance from you to break free. Can it get more convuluted than this? Try to simplify things in life if possible!

    Your decision, happiness and state of affairs should never be incumbent on bleak hope, faint words from anyone but only what you can handle on your own.

    Buckle up and decide what you want in your space and marriage. Get out or stay put! And then later you may decide what this gentleman means to you and how things work out. You may find someone nice , better , worse what ever ..don't ever try to mess things up in confusion not knowing what is within you before trusting what anyone can offer.

    Personally ..(I emphasize personally) I would not choose this kind of a person to rely on coz the way he treats problems in his life says a lot about his attitude in life. If this is the way he looks at things then think carefully before taking that plunge if he is the right guy for you (later).
     
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  6. BharatS

    BharatS Gold IL'ite

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    Please don't mind, but just asking one question. What made mutual divorce impossible? That too when wife wanted... i mean i didn't get that status reason

    Either way, if you have no intention to get back to your first husband, it is better to get the divorce immediately...unless until you are involved in contested civil or criminal cases with him
     
  7. FE40

    FE40 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Uttaraa,

    Thankyou for your valuable comments.

    Hi DivyaBharati and bindumoon,

    Thanks for your suggestions on divorce. Let me add on little more details.

    We started the relationship, out of pure loneliness. Nothing was serious initially. We just used to chat for sometime and that was it. But as time went by we liked each other and felt each others' company comfortable. During the initial course of our relationship, he was mentioning that taking divorce is my problem and i have to solve it. He also mentioned that he has never thought of marriage at all. Meanwhile,there was a change in job for him, and he had to relocate. But after this, he felt very lonely and then came the proposal. He also mentioned that he will take care of everything.

    I tried to file for divorce, but before that i was banged and stopped/suppressed by my family. With their useless advices, everyone in the family put me into emotional turmoil. I mentioned about it to him. He advised me to get back as per the advice of the family. It was disheartening to me. Since he was in a hurry and i was slow in taking decisions, i told him to proceed. I remained silent for some days, which he misunderstood and called it quits.

    Later he came back with a news that he is back to his family. I wished him good luck, but did not feel like communicating anymore. But he had a habit of sharing emotional things to me in the past. So whenever things go wrong at his end, he felt comfortable talking to me. I could not cut contact, but used to listen to whatever he says, without offering any suggestion.

    Now, again he has come up with the proposal, he says he can take care of my divorce too and everything. But now, he is with his family. I asked him, how is it possible? He told that since he is already divorced, and things are not good even after his return.

    He is asking me to give my hand with trust and he says he will take care of everything. With caution i asked, what happens to your family, my divorce and my job (since i have to relocate), he says, just say 'yes' and rest of the things will be taken care of. He is asking me to give my hand and trust and just watch.

    I told him, let us discuss together how it will be possible to solve all the things. i also told him to give me the time for me to undergo the divorce process. His ego was hurt. Now, i am literally confused.

    Hi BharatS

    Mutual divorce is not possible when the partner wants to hold the other just for 'status' reasons. My FH lives in a different town, and he had made his relatives believe that we are separated for my career reasons.
     
  8. BharatS

    BharatS Gold IL'ite

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    ok..on desertion grounds? but that is not a mutual divorce process if im not wrong.

    i mean why dont you check what is stopping him from agreeing to come for MCD. That will need both of you to move the first motion. Otherwise, if you are firm...go for contested as you will have no other option
     
  9. curlytweethere

    curlytweethere Platinum IL'ite

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    You say you are living spearately for 7 years i guess thats a reason you should be able to get divorce as per indian law if you are living separately for 'n' number of years i guess you can apply for divorce and it would be considered as divorce with mutual consent. Plz contact a lawyer for more information.
     
  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel first you should get divorce then later think about remarraige.That way you have peace of mind.
    Somehow you are concerned litttle internally that's why this post.So go slow.don't run.

    No one knows what's cooking for you until you live with the person.Another important point,at any given point the highest priority will be given to blood relation if the situation arises.So you need to keep that in mind.

    So his daughter will be his first priority.
     
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