1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Can I change my wife???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shyam09, Jan 27, 2010.

  1. shyam09

    shyam09 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Hello all:

    I am a married man with kids. My wife used to work but now quit just out of personal choice. We are both fine with the decision. I work in a accounting firm and make enough for a decent living.

    1) Wife is fond of socializing. She just needs an excuse to celebrate. I am not comfortable all the time. With an economy like this, I think we should maintain a low key but she just ignores me. Almost, every week end there is some party or potluck. Most of the times I think it is my wife who initiates all this.
    Fridays, either a group of 4 families comes over or we have to go. She has already finished planning with the other ladies. Frankly, I am so bored of all this. I put my foot down and told her very strongly but there is not effect at all. Then, Saturday we wake up late and hurry for kids activities and then Sundays for Balavihar. Now, where is the time for kids to catch up on any doubts or extra work they have to to. I told her kids music class on Saturdays is needed, Balavihar is also fine with me. I like it actually. We need to cut this Friday night socializing and staying late night to once a month. She needs it atleast 3 times a month.......she says. It was worse when she was working. Next day, she will want to order food since she is tired from last night's staying up late. I feel kids are also kinda becoming like her. Tell me " Do you need so much fun and entertainment"?
    It is not only time wise, money wise also so much expenditure due to these useless parties. Making variety food and for that buying all unnecessary stuff!!
    I went to the extent of asking her to go without me. She got mad and now is really upset.:bang


    2. Since kids follow what we show them, my kids want to have sleepovers and slumber parties very frequently. To be frank, I hate the idea of sleepovers. I do not want my kids to go over for these nor want anyone over to our house for slumber parties. Too much noise and too many demands, too much pampering.....nonsense!! Still I am fine with it once during vacations. Wife just agrees to anyone who wants to send their kids over and never consults me. I told her very clearly that I do not like all this. She says I don't know how to mingle with people and am not happy because she is good at it and infact her claim is , all these friends are only because of her good qualities.:bowdown

    3. When kids friends come over for play....Man!! they raid the pantry/fridge left and right......nonstop!!
    We buy extra snacks to make sure we have enough when someone comes over but believe me, one week's worth of supply can be over in a day if these friends' kids come and play indoors. Some of them are always so hungry......I wonder if they ever eat all these like this at their house. I tell my wife, you get the snacks out and give them, don't allow them to open fridge and pantry.
    Wife never ever cares to listen to what I say. She says I stoop so low that I cannot even see kids being happy.
    It is frustrating. Every week I keep buying worth so much and she never cares.:drowning

    4. In the afternoon, some ladies come over with kids and all the kids play in the neighborhood. They do not go after the play time. They all need to have tea and snacks. Wife makes tea for all.......atleat 4-5.
    And after that they start chatting. When I am at home, I go up to my room but can still hear them. All the while it is about their husbands or inlaws. They talk as if these ladies are all saints and hubbies are bullies all the time. So many times, wife got carried away and she brings it up in our discussions. I tell her how I am toward you only matters, don't talk about others to me. She gets all these wrong assumptions from other ladies talks. I know she should be mature enough to leave it there and not carry around but it gets on my nerves sometimes. "So and Sos husband is like this, her inlaws told this to her etc etc ..........all B*** S*** !!!
    There is no specific study time for my kids. It is only when wife is free after the friends leave. I am home usually only after 7PM and sometimes I find kids not finished with homework. I get so mad!! How can she be so irresponsible??:rant

    Please tell how I can change things.:spin

    Shyam
     
    Loading...

  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,465
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Shyam,

    Both husband and wife should enjoy.If one not interested for frequency and other person should able to understand to cut down the things but not forcing the things.

    Once in a month is okay,but here it is over.If she really wanted to go somewhere in the week end may be you can guys can hangon sometime in Mall and come back home by 9.30.It doesn't have to somebodys house all the time.One time ,may be you can go to some restaurent or she can take kids to chuck E Chese with other friends and can come back home by 9.30.I know once it is in home it will take longer time,because people don't come in time.

    So give her options.If still she wanted to do in her own way then stand up
    "I went to the extent of asking her to go without me. She got mad and now is really upset",That's ok even if it upset then they will realise you are serious about this.
     
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    357
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    I think you should tell her she can either cut back and live within her means of a one salary household, or she should go back to work to help with the bills that SHE is unnecessarily creating.

    As for the parties... yeah, that sounds like A LOT. I'm also in accounting industry, and definitely working in the accounting firms is never a 40 hour per week job... more like 80 hours sometimes. Your wife sounds like a fun loving social type of person, but she really needs to balance that with your desires and needs. I think one big party a month is more than enough, especially since your wife makes it a full blown extravaganza. Since you have already tried talking to her nicely, it's time to take some action. Tell her in advance that next party she 'signs you up' for, you won't be going. Then, don't go. She won't go by herself, or if she does, will probably be embarassed for answering everyone's Q's as to why you aren't there. Then next time, she will think twice before making party plans for you. Discuss with her when would be a good evening for you to attend one of these parties, and then go to that one. But Shyam, this only works if you ACTUALLY stick to your words!!

    About slumber parties... maybe you aren't used to these, but they are pretty common. And I think it's a good way to supervise your kids and get to know what type of friends they are hanging out with. Personally... I feel one sleepover a month at YOUR house and then one sleepover for your kids at one of their friends house per month is reasonable. So, that would be 2 per month (one at home, one away). But, you need to TALK to your wife Shyam, and let her know you want to be part of the decision making! Or, if she wants to make the decisions alone... at least she should think of what you would want!! Tell her Shyam that it is not only her and the kids living in that house... but YOU TOO!!

    I agree with the snacks part. Growing up, my mom didn't allow kids to roam through the fridge and pantry. Rather she asked us if we wanted a snack and then gave us a few options. Then she would bring us the snack and that was it! Same way when I went to other people's houses... I did not meddle in their food supply! I think Shyam, you just need to start communicating better with your wife. Explain that it's not about you wanting or not wanting to keep kids happy... but maintain some sense of manners and structure around the house. Point out that just as you have accomodated her style of life, it's time for her to start accomodating you too.

    See, the way I see it is... your wife chose to stay at home. But, she is wrong to think that just means tea time and parties. Letting kids play 24/7 with no regards to homework, proper dinner times, or structure isn't right in my opinion. You are working, so obviously the responsibility falls on your wife to make sure these things get done. Let her know that you have been tolerating all this for a while now, but you can't anymore. Explain to her that marriage is a PARTNERSHIP between two people, and that she needs to RESPECT some of your ideas too!! Also, explain that as they are YOUR KIDS TOO, you want certain rules followed, like homework needs to be done before going outside to play, or something like that.

    Basically, your wife is not wrong to have fun and socialize. And you aren't wrong for wanting some structure and quiet time with the family. However, you guys need to reach a COMMON GROUND!! I think.. scaling down the parties to once per month, and sleepovers in your house to once per month, and setting some rules about playtime and home etiquette will do a lot of good for your family. And Shyam, start communicating better with your wife. This weekend, hire a sitter and take her out to dinner, just you and her. And after a glass (or 2 or 3 :bonk) of wine try bringing up this topic and lay down your feelings and expectations. If things get too heated while you're out, leave it and bring up the discussion again when you are at home. But point is... YOU NEED TO MAKE YOURSELF CLEAR!!
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. shyam09

    shyam09 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks Priya for quick response and first fb.

    Tell me, is it really needed to have fun every week. Kid have music practice to do. I want them to do extra work in math or reading. During weekdays, it is only homework. They hardly have time for other stuff. Even weekends go like this then where will they end up?? I try to take them to chucke cheese and wife always shops for clothes at the mall so when we have to shop for clothes we go to mall. Other than this what kind of entertainment is always needed. I think kids should not be given such an easy life too. They need to understand that weekends are not for enjoyment only. I try to assign some work from the workbooks for a week and tell wife to remind them to do it. They hardly do anything and she says that she told them.
    She is always preoccupied with friends, home decoration, entertaining and shopping.
     
  5. shyam09

    shyam09 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Thank you asuitablegirl. I like your suggestion to take her out and talk in a peaceful way. I am reaching a stage where it is getting so irritating to me and also think where is all this leading to?? Kids should not be provided such an easy life also. They need to work more hard though they are doing good at school but that is not enough according to me. We got nintendo DS for them, hardly they played for a year, she went and bought Wii, now they started asking they need some extra games for those......list is endless always.

    As for slumber parties.......frankly.........I dislike the whole thing! It drains out all our energy and even makes me spend sleepless nights since other people's kids are in my house or my kids are away from me.
    Can't I express that to my kids and tell them I am not comfortable so no sleepovers??? Can't a dad not say he does not like somethings and so will not allow his kids for those??
    As you said , my wife also says you are not used to these so you don't know. My point is I do not have to experience everything to know it.
    Kids play in school and after school.........what more they need......play even at night???....creating unnecessary tension for parents??

    I mean how much we worked hard to reach to this stage in life. Our kids should learn to work hard and stand on their feet. This kind of instant gratification only will spoil them.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2010
    1 person likes this.
  6. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Shyam,

    I would like to comment about this situation. Maybe your wife is bored? I am also a new housewife having quit my job recently for personal reasons. I went from working 60 - 70 hours a week (full time job + housework) to not doing much at home. It gets very boring sometimes and you cannot watch TV all the time. Kitchen work and housework also cannot keep you occupied the whole day. If your children are in school for six hours a day and you are also away working most of the day, then she is on her own most of the time and she must be feeling lonely and bored. Since she cannot go out or party during the week she must be looking forward to Friday night outs or the weekend with her friends / social circle for some socialization. This is quite understandable if you look at it from her perspective especially if she is a very social person by nature.

    My suggestion is if you are so busy during the day that you want Friday nights and weekends to yourself and also keep the kids busy with educational activities during the weekends then you should let her know this and come to common ground. Maybe you can go out with her on Friday nights but then spend the weekend at home or with your kids while she hangs out with her friends by herself during the weekends? I think it is unfair to expect her to spend the entire weekend in the house if she is already cooped up inside during the week and she is entitled to some time with friends and relatives. Since you are busy at work and also have good social interactions at your job with other adults you really don't know how boring and isolating a housewife can feel (especially if she used to have a full time job before). If the boredom is really killing her then she could look at part time work so that she has some socialization during the course of her job but at the same time is also able to focus on her home and family.

    Hope this helps.
     
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    357
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    But Shyam, I think you also need to remember... kids are not little soldiers. They are kids. And kids like to play. Playing and socializing is a natural part of growing up. I give great importance to school and academics, but learning how to get along with others and develop outside interests is VERY important too. So I think, as long as your kids are doing well in school, you should also let them enjoy time with their friends.

    You may dislike, but your kids like! I agree they can be tiring for the parent hosting the sleep over. But, if you cut it back to once a month at your house, that's not so bad is it? Take this as a chance to KNOW who your kids are friends with. Lot of times parents wonder how their kids ever got into drugs or smoking etc etc... and many a times I feel like telling them... did you ever get to know the type of kids your child was friends with? It's important to know what's going on in your child's life and who they're devloping friendships with. Also Shyam... let your kids feel comfortable at home NOW, because if they don't, later on they will find some place else to go with their friends... away from your supervision. So why not let them bring their friends home once in a month?

    As for when they are away from home... WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY!!! Take that time to stay at home with your wife and catch up on some romance, or take her out on the town, or movies, or whatever you both want. You or your wife should call the parents of the home where your kids will be staying so you know all the details. Develop a relationship with the parents of your children's friends so you have a network of knowledge about where your kids will be and who is watching them. Then relax, and enjoy the time with your wife!!

    Your wife seems very fun, you seem a little bit like the anti-fun man. She is right in some ways, you in others. But I don't think it's fair to squash your kids social life completely. Nor is it fair of her to turn your house into a crazy circus with events running every day/night of the week. So why don't you and her work on a fair schedule that all can be happy with. Key word Shyam, is ALL. Do you think your wife would be happy NEVER going to a party again? Do you think your kids would be happy to NEVER have a sleepover again? Think. And be fair. :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2010
  8. shyam09

    shyam09 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    She was working full time earlier. It was her and my decision she quit so she can focus more on kids. We were managing well with one salary so we thought even if she quits we can have a good living and moreover kids need not be in after school programs till 6pm which was getting tough on them too.
    Not to offend anyone here:
    Bored????..........I mean with kids in the family and their work....where is the question of getting bored unless you ignore your duties. I understand occasional partying like I also agreed once a month. Ordering food because you are tired after talking on phone for 2 hours.....to relieve boredom?? Aren't there other ways to relieve boredom like pursuing some hobby which does not drain all your energy like the gossip over phone or staying up late at the party??
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2010
    1 person likes this.
  9. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,333
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Shyam,
    What i understand from your post is that your wife is a very social person. Nothing wrong with it. You on the other side are moderately social, nothing wrong with it either.
    Its just that, she is lonely during the hours she is at home and hence she invites/goes out for parties etc. She has too much time in her hands. If she doesn't want to work, perhaps can you look into some community services? That way she will be occupied for at least a few hours in a day?

    I was also thinking that if you give her the responsibility of maintaining the grocery bill? Both of you can discuss and set a limit of how much you want to spend on food...I am not saying eat ration, but things like $70 cakes etc can be avoided right? If you say $1000 a month (just an example) she MUST stick to that budget.
    You can also show her your investment plans etc and how much its going to cost for kids higher education. You can also show her your retirement savings account and explain her exactly how much you need to save each month to maintain the current life style after like 25 years.
    All these things will make her conscious and she might start thinking rationally about her spending habits.
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Woaaahhh!!! No wonder your wife is all upset:hide:

    Any working woman/man, if they quit job, they find more time that needs to be filled ...might be she has to get used to the thought and condition that now its not 2 income family..but 1 income family...

    And asking her bluntly to cut down on things wont help...rather suggest that either she can order food once a month / have potlucks or home made food every week for parties...which ever one she wants to sacrifice..

    Also for parties, she has to come up with cost effective ideas rather than just buying stuff out like the way she used to do when she was working..

    Shyam...

    Point here is she has to come to the terms of her not working anymore and living on one income..and you have to understand that just because she is stay at home woman, doesnt mean that kids, family, kitchen are supposed to be her world...the more you try to push this point, the more she would resist it..

    Rather show her the budget, before she quit and after she quit and ask her what she thinks on how to cut down so that you go for a nice vacation instead of spending money on neighbours or friends around!!or something that you both can buy for the family or for some investment or something that adds value to the family...

    Show some silver lining and follow the sandwich technique..just like the way you do at work with your colleagues or managers...pointing out bluntly or showing her down (as to why she needs to order food if she is just at home why cant she occupy her time with domestic chores/kids sounds annoying to any working woman..even if she stopped working!!)
     

Share This Page