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Can an abuser change?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by littlelola, Mar 5, 2010.

  1. littlelola

    littlelola New IL'ite

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    Hi everybody,

    I have a question. Do you think that a man who emotionally, mentally and physically abuses his wife can really change?
    If so, how? How can such a man be "cured"?

    I hear many people saying that an abuser cannot change. And I must say I have experienced the same.

    But does anyone out there know someone who has really transformed from a "monster'" to a caring and loving husband?
     
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  2. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    An abuser will change only when his conscience tells him that he's wrong and a change evolves from within. Until then it is hell for him as well as for others.

    People give-up on such people. In the current situation nobody has the time to cajole, pamper and teach the other person not to abuse. One must have such a great sacrificial mentality. Maybe someday when the heavens open, the abuser would have changed and the victim paralyzed. Is it worth a shilling? My answer is NO
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, an abuser can change. But nobody can bring about that change but HIM. The abuser must want it from the depth of his being, to make a change in himself. Nobody can ignite that light in his soul but himself. Until that time, an abuser will continue on his abusive path. Maybe it is worth waiting for a change in an emotional/verbal abuser, if the victim is strong enough to withstand the emotional tormant and thinks there will be a change. But physical abuse is a different story. Yes, a victim can wait for the abuser to change, but with phsyical abuse, it may cost them their life. Not worth it.
     
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  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    CW

    Very well said! I highlighted that particular sentence as most of the abusers would try to blame the spouse or someone else for their behaviour and get away with it. Some would accept the fault just to look good and remorseful infront of others i.e society...but when their conscience tells them that they are wrong, they automatically make changes to their behaviour. No one has / can really change an abuser. Only an abuser can help himself/herself.
     
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  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    Like others before me have said, abusers will only change if they realize that something is wrong with them by themselves. It has happened in my life while I was at the point of walking out of my marriage. I am glad to say that life now is very peaceful.

    Basically, in the current Indian set up, what I find (from my own exp and my friends') is that the men are very confused. First they are from middle class families, studied hard to end up in a great job earning much much more than their parents ever did. Quite of few of the parents are very old fashioned. They inadvertently instill gender bias in their sons.

    Somehow, a lot of girls in our generation are very different from their mothers. They are encouraged to think for themselves and from a young age are pampered (not wrong at all! we deserve to be pampered!) and to respect themselves. The hugest change is women are as competitive as men in careers too.

    So, our generation guys don't understand what is going on because their wives are not as obedient as their mums. They want their men to cut veggies/ wash vessels. I feel their masculinity is threatened and they resort to abuse as a way of feeling better about themselves.

    In my case, at one point, I said enough is enough and listed out in an email each specific instance of emotional and financial abuse which took place. Then, I decided to walk out on my marriage. But my husband changed totally. It took me several months to trust him and in that duration, I gave him hell as well - as I hadn't expected him to change and didn't want to change my plans of leaving! But he was incredibly patient and remains so to this day. Touch wood!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    guesshoo,

    Same thing happened for one family in our friends circle. I don't know inner details but the guy used to demand wife even to give him water in the friends houses too. Never helped wife to raise two kids and the wife working too. One day I think she turned 180degree,they might have issues even before, I don't know. Even she was ready for divorce too then the guy changed 180Degree.Now he cooks and give bath to kids and he shares pretty much all the work.Good for both of them,.
     
  7. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    By nature, human beings are friendly and compassionate. Only anger, stress and some ugly past turns humans to monsters..

    Sure with LOVE, you can change anyone!!
     
  8. kalp

    kalp New IL'ite

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    Depending on profile,cultural and social background, level of education, and extent of motivation,some abusers can definitely be changed but not all :idea .

    Thanks,
    Kalp
     
  9. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    This is a blunt statement, please revisit history, humans are one of the most notorious animals on this planet, You could have said Some humans are not that bad and due to anger and other negative emotions they go over the boundary.

    There are by all means, horrible, real horrible, cunning, people in this world, whose only objective to live is to live for themselves and to see how they can cause hurt to others.

    And NO somepeople cannot be changed, even with LOVE

     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2010
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  10. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Is it because humans have intelligence higher than any animal and also they do not act instinctively like animals???
     

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