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Can a mother behave like this??

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by vent, Oct 3, 2012.

  1. smritisinha

    smritisinha Platinum IL'ite

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    Everyone has given enough suggestions and advises. Which are true.

    I just want to say that every relation has its own limits. EVERY. And any person who crosses that limits to encroach on someone else's rights, it needs to be stopped IMMEDIATELY. Whether you stayed with your mom yourself or she asked you to, whether you think you are obliged to stay with her or she makes you feel so, you MUST live with your husband.

    Help her, do that. She is your mom. Stay with her for a month or two every year, at the most. But don't abandon your husband for that. You married him, and you have to be with him. Your child has to be with him.

    Don't let her spoil your married life, if she is and don't let yourself spoil your married life if you're doing all this because of some idea of mother-love.
     
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  2. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    go stay with ur husband fo a while, ask your mom to stay at her brother's or sisters house for a while... you both need a break from each other....
     
  3. Visasri

    Visasri Platinum IL'ite

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    Now see what as a mother you are doing to your kid. Making the kid stay away from father and showing a very bad piece of experience in the childhood. you have duties towards to your mom, but more duties to your DH. GO stay with him. dont be fool enough to tell this to your mom. Tell her you will be back in a few months. I have a feeling that your mom will not allow you to stay with your DH. Get some sense and move out dear.
     
  4. FreeSpirit20

    FreeSpirit20 Platinum IL'ite

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    Are you worried that your mother will do this and what others will think about you, because you say you are not worried about others and again say your mother might do this? I'm just confused about this statement of yours.


    Dear, you know your kid is growing in a negative environment which might leave impressions on him, which will again be like your childhood.

    I think you should make a start/change somewhere. Tell your mom you are going on a short vacation with your kid to be with your husband, do leave a maid. She might behave strangely/ guilt trip you, simply move away, you need not listen to any of that crap, appear and be happy that you are going to meet your husband finally, talk about the dad to your kid, make him happy and excited too. You can tell her the DH is missing you both badly and hence wants to meet.

    And you can later ofcourse extend your stay, but do this so that your mom can make her arrangements.

    You know vent, my mom and her sisters don't have good relation with their mom (my maternal granny), they say she puts them and their families down badly. When I speak to my mom now, I sometimes feel she is indirectly doing the same to me and my married sister, she compares our DH's families with others and points out our In-laws faults and remains insecure.

    I love her (we all do to our mothers), and it pains me to see her insecure. I am able to ignore her some comments and take in only her good things, but sometimes spend a day or more feeling bad when her mood is upset for these things.

    I think my mom has no actual worries, but still worries a lot. I try to accept that I can really do nothing. I want her to be happy but when she herself doesn't want that, I am helpless.

    I'd say you build your hobbies and try to divert your mind elsewhere too. You need an outlet for venting, and once it is done, you must try and get normal.
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2012
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  5. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    You may be a good daughter but you are not being a good wife and mother (which should be your prime priority). And you should feel more guilty about this than focussing on your mother's guilt trips, dramas and taunts.

    Go and live with your husband ASAP. If she wants she can join you there or she has to live alone.

    I wonder how your husband is tolerating all this bs. And your mom calls him such a name.

    She is ungrateful and I am sure she will not stop till she spoils your life.

    Your mother seems to be a "narcissist" and you are the perfect "enabler". Read online about How to handle a nArcissist and how to stop being an enabler.

    Time to cut the umbilical cord in this toxic codependent relationship.
     
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  6. HasiniS

    HasiniS Gold IL'ite

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    As every one said .. Just tell her your husband is sick and you need to take care of him ... And ask her if she needs a maid to manage or she would manage by herself ... make arrangements for that and then just elope to your husband ;-) I know and strongly feel that you will have the feeling of freedom ... Good Luck !!!
     
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  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh love, i hear you. those days it would have bee a sin to even say something bad about your parents. it is not that people were not aware of the toxicity of a person (yes even parents can be toxic..) but there was a invisible line that people never crossed and as a family people used to do all that is possible to hide things.. talk about the days when people used to hide a girl's spects during a marriage proposal..the society has come this far, it will still learn ot accept a lot of things..

    A person can have issues with just one person, then things could be wrong with the either/both of them, but when a person has issues with number of people, it is a redflag that the person has more issues in self than outside.. and your mom could be one..being narcissistic is a disorder and i am not sure she completely comes under the spectrum alone without anything added..and that could have been there for quite some time..even if you were to take her for medical treatment, it can happen only if your brother, mother and you are in the same page..from what you mother does, it not even possible to get a whiff of the word psychiatric near her.. and

    Don't we all think parents cannot be wrong.. and even the other day i saw a post where it was stated parents are god, they cannot be wrong.. well parents are equally human and they can make mistakes..and yes some are mature enough to accept it while some remain in denial..

    I so wish you move your kid from this toxic atmosphere. and when and if you feel that you are behaving something differently, please analyse if you have just learned to behave like your mom..We all are sponges we do imbibe some of the characteristics by osmosis, it is not necessary that we actually know that, and it is not intentional. so just check if you get into self-pity, suicidal, rage, anger..then you need to go for counselling on how to deal with this issues and your scars..


    this is contradicting yourself..shows that you are still worried about what will happen. people who are her neighbours, relatives should have been watching the dramas for quite sometime, let them make their own conclusions. we cannot go and stop each word that pops out or negate any thoughts that are going in the people around us.. society is by us not just us, and we are governed only so much by society.. remember if she were to hurt/abuse you more or if your marriage rocks, this society is still going to come back and tell you should have gone and stayed with the husband, who will leave the husband for these many days... it is another matter that the husband is an accomodative person who did not mind the wife staying with the mother.. society sees what it wants to see, vent. so make up your mind.
    Aw, don't worry there are many out there, only some of them are scared of the virtual bashings, and the lectures of mata pita guru deivam and mother is equal to god, she has given birth to you and she can NEVER be wrong..

    tell her what i tell people who say that to me..that i gave birth to children out of my choice, not with the aspiration that they are going to be the hold for my old age. it is not their responsiblity that they have to take care of me, and if they do fine. i already have started making arrangements to get into an old age home and enjoy life.. i will still be there for them when they need but i do not want them to feel that i and my husband are their responsiblity..now many have stopped saying that..

    oh don't take it to heart. she knows that you have a fear that if you don't do for your mother your child will not do for you.. she is capitalizing on that in the form of curse.

    Let me be blunt and ask you a question.. the brother who has escaped away in the pretext studies (not intentional) will he come back to stay with her and introduce another innocent to be manipulated.??. your worries are misplaced..now worry about how to handle her.

    do not give too much importance to all that comes out of her mouth in rage..they never know and they will never realise that they hurt you, infact she will come back to tell you it is her right to talk this way.. so just see to that your husband does not get wind of the words she uses..

    be brave vent..and go for counselling if the past is catching up on you all the time, and go for meditation and enjoy life as a family.
     
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  8. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    wise thing is to join your husband. make some arrangement to take care of her and leave. She has lived her life. You just started the most important phase of your life. You are responsible for your kids future.
     
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  9. vent

    vent New IL'ite

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    Dear Freespirit thank u very much for the reply.
     
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  10. vent

    vent New IL'ite

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    Shanvy Mam
    I am just astonished to see the maturity in your posts thoughts!!
    Thank you so much shanvy mam!!! I am feeling a bit relaxed by sharing with such wonderful sisters!!!
     
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