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Can a mother behave like this??

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by vent, Oct 3, 2012.

  1. 6teenpearls

    6teenpearls Gold IL'ite

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    IMO..too much closeness in relationships (other then marital) always creates problems & distance..
    You should live with your DH, as you have brothers to take care of your mom.

    Rest is all your decision.. Alwys b happy!!
     
  2. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Though our culture glorifies a mother, please open up your eyes to reality. A mother is just another human being with all the feelings of love, kindness, hatred, vengeance, jealousy etc. Your mother is expecting too much out of you. Do not allow your mother to abuse your husband. She wants you to be separated from him. My mother also played a similar tactic. She deliberately mocked at my in-laws so that their get more furious at me. Once you are separated from your husband, your mother will achieve what she wants - she will find a ways to quench her jealousy and you will be more under her control and you will not have a support from your husband. She will get what she wants. So play your cards carefully.

    If she is acting immature beating herself up, do not get riled up calmly ignore it. When a child throws a tantrum don't we simply ignore it. These kind of people who beat themselves up are emotional abusers and they don't deserve anything better than ignorance. I am sure your mother will beat herself up only to the point she can emotionally manipulate you. Once she realises that by beating herself up she cannot get what she wants, she will stop beating herself up. Stay strong girl. Do not give in.
     
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  3. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    I agree with riya.
     
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  4. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,
    I am stunned at your story because it is so close to mine...am exactly in the same boat. Stay strong mentally. I realized very late that my mother cannot be satisfied with my innumerable measures to keep her happy and am now trying to stand up for myself which am not able to do easily because I have only listened to her so far. She has shut my mouth without my realization.

    Start the visa process without further delay and things will speed up automatically. you can pack her off sooner. Once you join your husband, don't think of the past and start a new life with your husband. Don't invite her ever to your place and cut the communication with her.

    All the best to you.
     
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  5. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    Your mother seems to be a narcissistic and toxic personality. These people are extremely selfish and can only thing about themselves. They do not care an iota about others, be it their kids or spouses or parents. With such people you should not let them control you. Your mother is manipulating you with her tantrums and so far she has been quite successful...why would she change? She gets whatever she wants or you give it to her on a platter.

    I have feeling and I might be wrong that you have tried all your life to get some kind of approval from her and she has withheld her affection and approval from you.
    (And please stop falling on her feet next time she says something bad. That just makes such people feel more powerful)

    If I were you, then I would send her back to her native place (wherever she was before she came to your place). And I would stop spending so much on her when she is getting a good retirement amount herself. Your brother is looking out for himself (when he is asking you to adjust...knowing fully well that he doesnt have to do it)...and so should you.

    Living in an environment where you are thinking of suicide - you need to save yourself and your soul. Your mother is very abusive and as her child it would be hard for you to think independently from her. But as adults, that is what makes us grown up...that we can chose not be abused and not to be manipulated.

    Speak with your husband about how to join him there and start the visa proceedings (without telling yr mom). You do NOT owe it to her to keep her informed about anything you do.

    And if she tries to stop you, tell her that you will do what you have decided and that is that. Also increase yr childs daycare hours...I wouldnt trust her too much time alone with my child knowing what she is capable of. Its not healthy for the child also to be with such a vicious and cruel person.

    And please, please do something about your situation other than just vent. Just venting will not improve your life. If its your own life and you yourself dont do something about it, why would someone else?

    Take care,
    Aarushi
     
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  6. vent

    vent New IL'ite

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    Thank you every one here for replying me. I have lots to update since I am writing after a long time..

    My mother has created a mess in the house again. She had to go back to native on 18th November I booked her tickets on 20th October. I did not book her a return ticket coz I did not want to be her back to my house.
    In the meanwhile my husband booked his tickets to come back on vacation and to be with us for festivals.he also wanted to start my visa process. When my mother heard this first she asked me to book her an advance ticket so that she wouldnot stay here when my husband comes. I also wanted this.BUT all she was saying indirectly like what shall I do , I should go or not you decide. It was a game so that she can blame me in both the cases.....
    So I did not preponed her ticket!!
    Finally my husband came...a few days passed in peace . But 2 days backs she started her games again..she had a long face which I was not able to understand why?then we left home to go to our offices. She called me there in office and asked me this why did he (my husband) asked her when will she come back on dinner table indirectly?

    Let me tell u abt this incident: my husband takes to my brother and planned that he will visit him in Xmas holidays.he asked him if he wants to get anything from Indiahe can get it . I don't know what did my brother said. But my husband asked my mother same day on dinner table that my brother needs some books and stuff and you can bring them while coming backso that he can give him when he visits him in December.
    After two days my mother asked my brother if he asked any books to which he said no.

    And she made such a big issues out of this. My husband said sorry to her and told her that may be he heard it wrong to calm things down. But she was full with her dramas. She stopped having food. Started crying and started saying very bad things abt my husband . He kept quiet. Then she said now I don't have any daughter. I will go back and never return to your house . Let anything happen to me. I ll ask all the people not to call you even if I die...
    We are so stressed out that she is not eating anything and she has to travel.. I don't know what will happen....am feeling guilty too but when I say her emotional dramas I think I should move on.

    I am in very stressful state now. I did not have food for last two days. Coz she is not eating! I can't ask my brother about this coz he is having exams. And my mother is giving threats that if u call him now you will spoil his future...

    I am very hurt totally worn out mentally and physically . Plz help me..
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2012
  7. vent

    vent New IL'ite

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    All she is doing right now is either crying or yelling at me when my husband goes out. She has clearly told me that this relationship is ended for ever... I am not able to overcome this.. Please ladies help me to come out of this.... Am in a very bad state of mind right now....
     
  8. mani75

    mani75 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Can a mother behave like this??su

    Hello Vent,

    I have been reading your posts. Please have patience.. do not react to your mother's irrational behavior. You have fed this irrational demon of her's by reacting to it everytime so she knows that she will do drama and you will bend..surprise her by being happy even if she is showing a long face.

    do not fall for her emotional drama. let her go back to your native.

    Also do not do this stupid act of being upset and not eating etc. you are creating a bad example for your child as well, because this is what she will learn.

    Also next time she starts badmouthing your husband, please ask her to shut up or if you do not have the courage to tell her that then just leave the place.

    If she tries to do suicide drama then calmly tell her that you will call the police and inform them. say this with a smile on your face.

    Please plan a good outing with your husband and child for the evening and inform her and leave. Go create happy memories for your family.

    Be happy
    Mani75
     
  9. vinithashan

    vinithashan New IL'ite

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    i just came across ur post and did not read through all the replies from others...
    I just have a question to u???
    what would be your answer if ur MIL was doing this to ur DH... u can bear it for 1 yr or for 5yrs... one day u wil have a fight with ur hubby on this issue and will come to IL that DH is bad , not supporting u , always favouring MIL becoz they r blackmailing.. i read this a lot here(no intension to hurt anyone here.. )..

    Now u r in this situation and ur hubby is supporting u, dont u feel u r taking adv of tht... i mean i understand all mother and daughter love, sine even im a daughter too, but more than tht u hav ur family

    ur son is there who needs fathers love at this stage, beleive me from birth to 15 yrs is when dad n son bond n have fun , this bonding is what continues after tht.. if its not there in 1st place then i dont know wht to say...

    its upto u now to decide n fly off to ur hubby, dont try to seek ur mom's decision in this becoz u wil never get...
    jus do all preparations n let her on the day of leaving n jus leave without hearing to her...
    believe me she wil be fine, she has her own financial support so nothing wil happen to her. she might badmouth about u but tht wil also be fine ..

    one person cant be good to evryone, then he wil not be true to himself...
     
  10. doomed2bunhappy

    doomed2bunhappy New IL'ite

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    Yes moms can be v insecure and overly sensitive.
    Pls stay with ur dh and give the two of u some break.
    Time will heal everything...
     

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