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can a married couple lead a happy life without children?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by radhavenkatesh, Mar 10, 2007.

  1. BhargaviChakravarthy

    BhargaviChakravarthy Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear all,
    As kamal said we always look at the door which is shut.As taking things positively and accepting life as it comes our way is highly difficult why for some it is even impossible but we can make it possible which needs a strong and a firm mind.Even i don't have it.
    Abt being happy wothout a child ,it depends on the mindset of the couple.As was said in many tamil films"Why worry.I am a child for you.You are a child for me".This is a bit cinematic.But still if both have a strong understanding and love for each other it works best.
     
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  2. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Hai Bhargavi,
    you are right, all these things are how one takes it. There is a neighbour's son. He got a daughter who is found to be spastic. He and his wife left the child with his mother and went off abroad. Now they have another normal child, it seems that they are ashamed to take the first one with them. That girl is improved a lot, she is taken care by both sets of parents in turns. When I see the child, I just feel so sad for it.
    Another couple have a girl who is like the girl in Black. She is mentally retarded also. She behaves very badly and hurts he mother physically. And she is nearing the puberty age also. Just think about the position.
    Everything depends on the situation and the mind set of the people.
     
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  3. purnima_2k

    purnima_2k Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Been reading all your posts, really nice. I admire the maturity and the experience of so many ILites. We youngsters, have so much to learn from you all. This topic is close to my heart as many of my near and dear ones have been facing a similar situtaion, so i was tempted to give my 2 pence here.
    Happines is a state of mind. Whether you are happy or not depends on what you want out of life. Some people are content as they are , some require more money, some want good career, some want children and many want all of the above.
    Let me word the question "can a married couple lead a happy life without children?" ,a little differently--"are all couples with children truly happy?" When we start analysing this , we all will get psyched. As the saying rightly goes "the grass is greener on the other side". Having children is no wonder truly enjoyable , but it can cause a lot of stress, anxieties , worries too.Children fall ill, they can be stubborn and cause stress. A lot of sacrifices needs to be made from our end too.So, once a person decides tohave a child, one should be willing to practice a lot of perseverence, tolerance and level headedness not for a day or two, but for the entire life. But undoubtedly motherhood is the biggest gift of nature to women, and makes the whole experience worthwhile.Having a child distracts us from unnecessary gossips, depressions and tempers.A childs natural positivity heals a lot of negativity that maybe present in us.
    I know of a lady , who was extremely moody , ill tempered and created hell for people on and off. She stayed in our apartment. She was 50 years old, married for over 30 years with no children. She tried in all possible means to have a baby, but in vain. Ultimately, God did hear her longing. They were blessed with a girl baby a couple of years back( she had a baby through a surrogate mother, she was relieved in a way, at least the baby was her husbands own blood). Now she seems happy, more approachable and extends kindness towards everyone. Its obvious that she feels complete as a woman. But that unbound happiness lasted for a short while. Now she is over 50 , and her daughter 2 years old.! Now shes begun worrying as to what would happen to her daughter after her lifespan?Her husband is a heart patient and, she s been depending on him for somany years, what would happen if something happens to him. Since shes been bitter to so many people all these years, she has noone to really relate to. Now she needs people , but noone needs her now! How do you think this situtaion is? Wouldnt things be simpler for her if she did not have ababy at the age of 50?
    So,ultimately to sum it all up, I would like to say again that happiness is just a state of mind. Like someone rightly said God does not give everything to everybody.We just should learn to accept certain things the way they are and try to turn our life and do something positive so that we learn to love and get love. I think once that is done, God will give us what we best deserve!!!

    Regards,
    Purnima
     
  4. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    I agree with many here that happiness is a state of mind, but sometime in life why sometime i should say all the time, men actually do not grow up easily and some resist woman from having a child,because they feel they would be neglected..and want all the attention..and by the time this attention seeking is gone and u truely want to see ur family growing the biological effect is lost, so each one their own, better to plan the child if u can bring them up, as we all know how expensive it is, but gratifying too, may god bless those couples to go in for surrogacy, or adoption anything to take away the loneliness in the later part of the years....never too late..regards sunkan BUT PLEASE THE RELATIVES STAY AWAY AND STOP NAGGING THEM FOR NOT HAVING A CHILD.......
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2007
  5. BhargaviChakravarthy

    BhargaviChakravarthy Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear varloo,
    I just saw your reply just now.As was said by purnima "are all couples with children truly happy?".A ver good question indeed.I wonder Some in the world not even some ,more(i don't point or identify any one specifically) people marry for what reason.According to me married life goes by mutual understabding and forgivings which must be on both sides.We see a couple marries,the husband works for a very good organisation ,they get their child after a year or more and ultimately they are runnng behind getting more status,income.I am not against this .This looks like marriage is only for getting a child.It is definitely not acceptable.Most of the couples don't take responsibility in giving importance to each other.the reason they say is even more worse.We are not newly married.Can a couple should take care on each other and love,compramise only for some days after marriage.Then what does marriage mean?Though they may cite various reasons like work pressure,responsibilites.We give prior importance only for those.i hardly find any couples living for each other,love each other.Then "made for each other" sayings are only for cinema?Just for 1 or 2 years happiness why there are lots of love films saying abt true love.I make it a point i am not blaming every one.There are some even in their 50s,60s,love each other,trust each other.Trust and understanding is very important .A child should be considered as a gift of their incredible love&understanding.Success of the marriage is not judged by the number of children,no of years lived.that means only Quantity.Quality is entirely different.A couple with out a child can lead a successful married life if they are more compatible.People may ask and criticise them.It is not an issue.If they live peacefuly and contented,Then definitely they are the best.

    Let me take some breath
    BhargaviChakravarthy
     
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  6. Nischel

    Nischel Senior IL'ite

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    Dear ILits,
    I have gone trough ur post Titled above "can a ..... children? I do agree with Kamala's views.Her mind is a matured one.But I wish to express my personal opinion in this issue that there are cases where the couple are happy
    as well as unhappy .We cannot genaralise this .Just if we think once that if our
    parents have an idea that they donot want children just after their marriage where is our existance.?happines is a relative term. it changes from person to
    person ,family to family .so in my idea a couple should think well of their Financial capacity and physicalfitness of the mother to have or not to have children and how many to have.Leave every thing as god's wish after the
    execution of a plan.We cannot forecast what may happen in future of one's
    own life.What kamala said is true.:goodidea: Sd/sastry
     
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  7. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    This is a so intriguing question.

    Though as Kamala said it is the mindset that will bring happiness, when you personally face some situation like this you feel that you are thrown to the end of the earth. It is more often people question about your wellness.

    You can always say that you are my kid and I am yours but that will not work out in the long run. And in this soceity where still people are so historic not just historic but prehistoric (that is the word I would like to use), you cant expect the couple or atleast the wife to be happy, unless and untill the husband is 100% supportive. Also that the husband at times is supportive only inside the house or the four walls and not in public. When it comes public he either keeps quiet or simply moves out leaving the wife to face the entire situation all by herself, which hurts the wife even more than the other people's words or actions. Not just husband but also inlaws especially mother-in-laws. They have to realise the feeling of this younger women and help them if possible physically if not should not disturb them mentally.

    If the couple decide not to have children immediatly after marriage they have their own reasons but that doesnot ever mean that they are not going to have a baby at all. When we can wait for so many things in life why cant we wait for this too. Of course children are GOD given GIFT. But it is also true as I read in one story, that for the parents they have either one or two children, but for the childless all the children in this world are their own children. They are blessed people who have been sent by GOD to take care of all the children of this world and not just their own.
     
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  8. GPriya

    GPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    First of all, hats off to Kamla.

    I am married for 21 years, and i don't have a kid after so much of trying. It is not a crime not being able to have children. My husband and I have decided to keep ourselves happy and peaceful with or without a kid.

    Children are wonderful in their own way and one should be blessed to have such wonderful kids. Lots of people talked about the way the society treats the childless couple.. may be true.. but we don't care...we tried our best, it didn't happen and now we both are matured, very spiritual and fun loving. So far within our families, it is not a big issue and nobody ever advised or worried or even commented about our life. We are independent and in our old age, we will continue to be supportive of each other. The reality is that even people with kids are so lonely in their old age and I don't see much difference.

    Everything ultimately depends on how you view life and how matured are you to accept life as it is, with the grace of God, my hubby and I are ok mainly bcos of our spirituality. Adoption is a good idea, but given our life now, citizen of one country, living in another, born in India etc., adoption is a cumbersome procedure takes years to fulfil with extra ordinary amount of expenses. So we gave it up. Also, the best we do is to help out financially the needy kids in sivananda ashram , udhavum karangal and such places and we also sponsor few kids towards their education. In fact our family considers us one of the luckiest couple based on the problems they face in their lives with children. We feel the same way too for our own peace of mind.

    :wave Geeth Priya
     
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  9. Nischel

    Nischel Senior IL'ite

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    Dear ILite G.priyaji
    Having gone through your post It is understood that yourself and
    your hubby are not in favour of having children. well It is upto you to decide.
    There are many parents who suffer in their old age in spite of having chliden. So it is betterto avoid such situation There are Parents who could not have children although they tried in their lifetime.
    In general we bless a newly married couple to have good children. This is a Tradition.If every couple follows the same method what is the fate of future generation.In each and every family there willbe ups and downs.We must always Hope for the Best and must prepare to accept the worst.It is to be decided by you only to have or not to have.If u want to have , Let it be early.Late issues are not advisable.They may cause harm either to the child or to the mother or for both.
    With Best wishes
    Sd/Ayyappasastry(NISCHEL)
     
  10. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    This is a very interesting and important topic where the debate will go on and on on whether a couple should have children or not and whether a couple will be happy with or without having a child.

    I have been married for 13 years and no kids...but this is out of choice and nothing to do with any medical problem. We know quite a few couples who have opted not to have kids vs a few who strongly believe that they should have atleast one or two. In this thread we have had lots of discusion from the couple's point of view but has anyone put themselves in the others shoe and thought what children need today.

    We know of a few families where both the husband and wife are career minded and both are working full time. The kids are left at the crush/daycare/maid at home whatever suits that particular couple. They really don't have time for their children...as the kids are growing up they are posing a question to their parents that if you don't have time for us and are so busy with your life why did you bring us in this world?? they have no answer to this and having led a life of their choice so far they are finding it difficult to slow down their pace and give time to their kids. With dual income there is no dearth of wealth and kids are showered with materialistic pleasures but the bonding that a parent and child should have is not there.

    In another case the parents are trying hard to make two ends meet and have 3 kids...so again here the kids say that if you knew your financial condition then why did you bring us in this world when you can't afford to give us a decent life.

    Here i have mentioned different aspects dosen't mean that i am for or against having kids...but as Nischel said are we physically, mentally and financially sound to give a good life to our kids. If you want to have kids then ask yourself why you want kids...what are your expectations from them and what would be their expectations from you.

    If you don't want kids then reason out why and if the society questions you, you should be ready to answer that without any hesitation amybe people will ask for a few days...but later they may not bother. But you will also find a couple of people who will keep on pestering you. But i and my husband have decided that for such people our attitude will be we have 2 ears so listen thru one and let that go straight out thru the other.

    I need to take a breather here.

    Roopa.
     
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