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Can A Marriage Survive Without Intimacy??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Milaani001, May 6, 2020.

  1. Milaani001

    Milaani001 New IL'ite

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    hello everyone
    I Have been married since 6 years .we don't have kids. During initial years of marriage dh was struggling in his career so he was not in favor of planning a kid. But thing i want to tell here that we are always lacking physical intimacy.I try all the way to keep him happy but no use. he is the type of person who is very rigid & reserved and always like to have his own time.sometime it seems like he is not able to do anything but he blame everything on me by saying that " i am not co operating with him much during bed time. I am a working woman. my parents will not cooperate with me if i leave him and threaten me that they will break all the relationship with me if i leave my husband.whenever i talk to him about this he blame me that "during initial years of marriage i put him away in anger" that reduce intimacy, which is not true.he make false excuses and dont want to see doctor. last night we were trying for intimacy, he was trying for different positions ,then he hit me on my upper back during sex.When i fought with him over this, he said he just touch me and it is not hitting.I said its rude then he make drama that he found a lot of things in me rude then what.Ladies i dont know whether my husband is normal or not but one thing is sure my life is spoiled.another thing i can never have a kid.

    if i talk about my inlaws they are the worst people on the earth.i cant expect anything from them.during initial years of marriage they made lots of misunderstanding b/w us.but now we are living awayfrom them.

    Please reply what is your opinion on my issue. Is there anything which i can do to live normal life??
    Thanks in advance.
     
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  2. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    It is hard for marriage to work without intimacy. Sorry, you have suffer so much.
     
  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Very sad to know what you’re going through..
    Insensitive husband. No intimacy. Bad in laws .no kids.no supportive parents. No chance of having kids.
    Even if he is willing to take efforts to work it out it’s ok but he is not...
    You can’t have kids because of lack of intimacy or anyone of you having fertility issues?
    You need to rethink, as this marriages doesn’t have much future...
    Most women would have walked out sooner within one or two years, you have invested 6 years..it’s not easy I know,.pls make up your mind and think of different options rather than being miserable..
     
  4. ImHuman

    ImHuman Senior IL'ite

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    Other than intimacy and not having a child ,how your marriage has been? Do you have strong emotional bond? Does he love you ? And you love him?
     
    deeparull and Milaani001 like this.
  5. Milaani001

    Milaani001 New IL'ite

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    Needtobestrong...initial 1-2years was fine with him....he was totally different person at that time and he supports me sometime ahead of mil. he help me in household chores sometime when I feel sick or low.he take me to my parents house to meet them if he knows that I am missing them.he try to make good impression on my parents....

    But life is not always same.....yes we had issues regarding intimacy....which was not much concerned intially....it is most stressful when people ask for kid now...even parents too. In Indian society no matter who has issue everybody blame women only.specially his parents are awful.

    My concern is I feel like brother sister relationship rather than husband wife relationship.....
     
  6. Milaani001

    Milaani001 New IL'ite

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    ImHuman....as I said in above post. Initial 1-2 years of marriage was fine.he supported me ahead of my in-laws.he helped me in household chores if I feel sick or low, even he is doing house hold help these day too.he made good impression on my parents.he helped me for my career growth.

    But with time he changes...now he don't bother it, when inlaws say something mean to me.but he still help me in other prospects as I mentioned above.
    Issues comes up when everyone ask for child and his parents too.we try to make it but everytime we engage in intimacy we end up in big fight which continues many days.he blame me for for not having intimacy and I feel he need to see doctor.
    Now a days I feel our relationship like bother sister more than husband wife.
    I am ok to compromise a kid if he feel the same too but unfortunately he does not feel same.he miserably fail to understand my feelings too.
     
  7. Archanaanchan

    Archanaanchan IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Op,

    Apart from physical intimacy how are you both? How do you perceive your husband? Do you care for him? Do you show love and respect to him and vice versa?
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I assume that your marriage is consummated. If not ,red flag.

    What happened after two years of marriage?
    How do you treat your dh and vice versa. Is there any hugs ,kisses, cuddling etc..or are you like roommates . Is there any issues from both of your sides like ED, vaginismus, etc that prevent normal sex life? Or is it just lack of sexual attraction. But I feel its quite abnormal for a healthy male to stay away from sex even after 6years of married life.

    Sorry to say its torture to live like this without any bond. Have you told your parents about your sexless, love less marriage? If they are not able to understand it and if they ask about baby news, tell them very openly that you can't produce a baby by yourself.
    If this continues, they can force you for ivf and make you a kid producing machine( it happened with one of my acquaintances and ended up in divorce after 25yrs . She remarried in her early 50's. She regrets her decision of not quitting her first marriage earlier. She wasted her youthfulness).

    What do you think the issue here? Is he asexual or have anything else going on.

    If this is the way, it's best to get out of this fake marriage life. You need a husband not a brother or roommate. It's not marriage.

    But if you give more clarity ILites can give better response.
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2020
    hermitcrab and Archanaanchan like this.
  9. Milaani001

    Milaani001 New IL'ite

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    DDream.. I don't want to leave him just because of sex.I don't need someone who is good in bed and bad in real life.I need much more than sex.
    After two years of marriage what happened it's a long story.but I give brief.we had a temporary separation for around 6 months.That decision was mine.I took that decision because I was feeling overwhelming by inlaws.I felt difficult life without him...and I sense he feel too but he is not that expressive.but things change gradually after that.

    He touch, he kiss ,he cuddle ....but does not usually proceed after this.once I ask him openly that why can't he do sex often he says he got tired from work and does not have power to do anything.he is workholic person I know that.

    For medical issue I am undergoing all the fertility tests...so far is ok but did not recieved all the results yet.my concern is he is soo afraid to see the doctor.he did a test there were some problem his sperms ,doctor ask him to meet,but he did go back to see doctor.he want a child but don't want to do anything by himself.He has to take capsule for power and energy for intimate time.
     
  10. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Then you n your husband need to attend marriage counselling.
    Convince your partner for it.
    Most men have ego issue especially when it comes to their main "male" part of their body.
    He doesn't want to accept the problem that is why he is showing the frustration and avoiding the sex.

    You can't do much than convincing him to counselling first n with that he might come to terms with dealing the issue and then agree for the treatment /seeing doctor for fertility issues.

    If you say, he touches, kisses, hugs n cuddles ...then it definitely shows he is interested in you physically but the mental blockage and fear of something wrong within him is stopping him to do the act.

    Counselling will help but it will be a task to convince your dh for counselling too.
    Dont stress on his issue. Just convince him to attend couple counselling, say that you love him and this is only to get you both to work on your marriage.

    Don't bring his parents inbetween you both. Even if they are cruel people and did wrong with you, if you bring it up with dh, he will never get closer to you.

    You need to let go of the past. Don't forgive your inlaws. But atleast they are away from you now right?.
    I would say your husband is a typical Indian man. He is not a bad guy. Try to heal the gap between you both. Don't bring the past issues.

    You need to pick battles and ignore some.
    Being at peace is more important than being right.

    Else the option is to divorce. Which I do not advice in your scenario. Your husband is a nice guy who is under a lot of pressure from his own male.insecurities and probably heavily influence dor emotionally blackmailed by his parents.

    I have strong feeling that counselling might help in your case.
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2020
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