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called 911 and its impact

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lovers, Jun 25, 2012.

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  1. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    I also wanted to add that just because u called 911 ur green card processing will not be affected even if it's thru him.
    If he is hitting u and abusing u verbally get a restraining order and use that time to think clearly. Your children will be affected by this, they will either learn to be like him or they will learn that marriage is hell and act accordingly.

    So please don't blame ur self .its his fault. Make it clear to him each time he brings it up.
    Be strong
    FL
     
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  2. happylife25

    happylife25 Senior IL'ite

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    Re: called 911

    There is no excuse for your husband if he physically abuses u .... U have to be strong ,.... He has to learn a lesson ..
     
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  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Lovers, Bravo !!. One step in right direction and another in wrong. You shudnt have bailed him out.Do not fall into his trap of effect on his green card. Its a ploy to make themselves look innocent and what happened was just a one time thing and you jumped to 911 call. He has to think about all this before abusing.

    His green card will not be effected unless you were battered badly. If not it will just have interview in final processing. If you have mustered so much courage to make the call, you need to go all the way.Dont buckle.Good Luck.
     
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  4. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    L,

    Hugs to you for being brave and making the right decision - Getting professional help to handle your abusive husband.

    Feeling sorry and guilty about what you did is normal, because you are a human. But your husband isn't. He is an animal to have abused you for this long that you called 911. So dont give in to these thoughts and go behind him running.

    Is green card important or your welfare?

    Just be strong. Don't give in. He needs to learn and know that he was wrong.

    Puni is traveling I think, but Foundlove can give you excellent advice.

    Good luck !!
     
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  5. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    Lovers,
    You have called 911. Now dont waste time thinking whether you did the right thing or not.

    Focus on how you can make use of this opportunity to Make sure this abuse is stopped.

    Don't allow him to confuse you ow. Be clear and focus. Write down a lit of clear cut changes you want to see and give that list to him and warn him that you will call 911 again if needed.

    Never ever give him an idea or promise that you will not call 911 again no matter how hard he tries to please you or Threaten you.

    Dv abusive husband rarely changes on his own. 911 call might just put some fear in him and make him stop. He seems to have a violent streak as he has been abusing you for a long time.

    Looks like you still want to be in this marriage. Then you have ensure a few things.
    1. Your emotional and physical safety- get it in writing from him that he will never hit you or emotionally abuse you again and if he breaks his promise, ( include something that will cost him dearly).

    2. Throw away your guilt. You did not harm his life / career/ green card / peace of mind. You take care of yourself and he can very well take care of himself.

    Now a window of opportunity has opened to put an end to this. Please do not mess it up with too much guilt. You were in a worse jail longer (abusive marriage). He is not a baby. Do the time... Do the crime.

    He did it to himself. And if he blames you, tell him that he should have thought about it before.

    3.try to figure out what he is planning- this is my guess. Once he gets GC, he will file for divorce. At that time, if you want to live with him, he will use divorce as a bargaining chip to make you silently take abuse. So you be smart and use this opportunity to bargain for a few things that will ensure your well being.

    4. And abuser will know how to talk and keep his victim in a state of fer about leaving him so that he will always have a ready made punching bag.

    5.Your kids will be permanently harmed and guess what they will end up hating you too. They will not see you as a victim but as a parent who failed to defend them just so that she can avoid the divorcee tag. They will see you as a selfish person. When they are young, they will be sorry for you. But when they are adults and feel the effects this abuse has on their own lives, their anger will turn towards you too.

    6. For your sanity, ignore all comments and threats from inlays. Their sole aim is to make sure their son gets away with bad things. You are never their priority. So their feelings or well being is not your priority now.

    They could have very well contributed to this in the first place.

    7. Please do not mistake me for writing this. If there is any property in his name, ask him to write it in your name if he does not want you to say everything in court. When a woman is financially strong, abusive men and inlaws try to mellow down a bit. (when I asked for divorce after inlaw abuse, my in laws were telling my husband to be a bit nice to me, get the properties that are in my name transferred to his name first.more concerned about money than sons marriage. But dh did not ask for it. For the first time i understood how the world see money and how stupid i had been all my life.)

    He can give you power of attorney right here in US. (make sure it is irrevocable and only your kids will inherit it).

    A small price for the abuse.

    And saying since it looks like you do not walk away from this marriage. Hope someone does not start ranting that only love should hold the couple together and giving threats, blackmails and ultimatums will not work. We are trying to work with what we have in our hands and this is not an ideal world.

    One of my friend's husband transferred every property in india and dollar here into his mom's name and then filed divorce. She a homemaker ended up with a mortgage and a house that was 50% of the original value.

    8. Please understand reality that after this scare, your husband might not hit you but he will still not be loving to you. Even if he changes, it will be slow. Don't expect miracles. Please suspect him if he is good suddenly. He is upto something.

    Will continue after sometime.
     
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  6. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    If u are scared to post in an anonymous forum that shows u are really scared and this abuse has been going from long time.
    Don't be afraid, go to a library to use the computer if u are scared to use it at home.
    He cannot do anything to you. It's not ur fault. You need to be strong,let me know the ity u are in. You can PM that to me and I will post u the women's shelter contacts. I volunteer in Chicago at such centers.
    Good Luck
    FL
     
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  7. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    However if I were in your position, I will think about walking out of this marriage because DV is a big NO NO anytime.

    I have heard (from one of my aunts) and I am sure you know that too.....when they are seriously mad and hit, they look like they are possessed by something that each hit is very hard and the hatred in their eyes is so scary.

    This will put my life in danger and I will never be able to forgive myself if anything happens to young kids. So I will walk away.

    I will not believe his words but I will only believe his actions.....that too consistent good behavior for a long time.

    Sorry about your problem dear. But everyone in this world will have some problem or the other.

    So if God has given you one problem, He knows that you can handle. But do you want to handle it or wish that it will go away on its own is your decision to take.
     
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  8. mommybird

    mommybird Gold IL'ite

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    Lovers..Am really scared for you. I hope you are alright.

    Do not think about divorce or anything else now. Just focus on getting away from the mad man who is trying to harm you physically. Do not take the case back, if you do that you will end up looking weak in his eyes and that will foster more abuse. Please rush to a women shelter and take help. Contact any Ilite in the area you love and ask for help. Some message from you will be reassuring. Please stay safe.

    Hugs and prayers to you.
     
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  9. lovers

    lovers Senior IL'ite

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    thanks to everyone ... i really dont know how to thank every one thanks a lot friends ...
    FL thanks a lot for ur response and could see ur pm and thank you so much i really appreciate ur gr8 help ..
    chocolate i couldnt able to pm it seems ur inbox is full can u pm me so that i can share some information with u
    eandian he always made sure that property is always under his name ...
    but every day for me anew tension comes up no where iam having any mental peace ... i really dont know what i got to do ... so much confusion at the same time i cant share much information here ...on top of my head daily one more new issue my dh speaks to me so having so much stress ...not able to decide what i got to do ..
     
  10. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Lovers, Chin up. You have some more way to go before all this will be in the past. Look for support groups online. For me it was here where I turned to for advice.Look in Rajiv Khanna Immigration site. In that, there is a separate link to DV.That will help a lot.

    Coming to finances, dont come under pressure. Everything has to be transparent now.It cant be either his name or your name. It has to be in both your names.Your husband seems to pressure you into something for his gain and not for both of you as a couple. Take back complaint,property in his name.Bailing him out is another of mistakes. When you talk to your husband see if he is remorseful. One thing, I did when I was talking to my husband after the 911 call and TPO was to see if he was sorry. I didnt rush into taking back the TPO.When I felt he was sorry, I let the TPO go.Listen to your inner voice of brain + heart together. Not heart alone. When you feel he is remorseful, all ways take baby steps to reconcile.

    This is a time of confusion to any body. Go thru support groups and be in constant communication with your lawyer.Dont take hasty decisions as bailing him out.Where is your husband now?

    I cant PM you or receive PM becoz I am yet to complete 10 posts of this month. Do post here until I do . I wont be long in posting back.Good Luck.
     
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