BUTTERING UP THE SPOOKS There are lot of times when I feel like an atheist lamb besieged by theist wolves. While my immediate family, my wife and daughter, give a damn for religion, I have a menagerie (that is the best way to describe them) of relatives who are worried about my soul and want me to do everything that would enable it to go to heaven after I kick the bucket and not to hell. So the siege by these theistic wolves intensifies every time the hindu "holy" period of Mahalaya approaches.. So during Mahalaya when one is supposed to butter up our long dead and gone ancestors, I was sent messages by some kin through a third party (because I don’t bother to remain in contact with them), that pithru dosha (in plain English it means pissing off the dear and not so dear departed) is very dangerous. Even gods can be forgiving but these chaps are vindictive with a big V. So I must perform the proper rituals to placate the dead and gone. If you thought that the goners are goners, then think again. According to believers, if they are not buttered up during the mahalaya period and in that process the bank account of some priest is not fattened, all kind of evil can befall me. The dead according to my gullible oops sorry devout relatives live in a planet called Pithru Loka (will anyone tell me in which solar system this planet is located?) . If they are not taken care of through rites and offerings of food regularly, particularly during the Mahalaya period, they can go ballistic and wreak havoc. Scary, isn’t it? After all who would want their life to be turned into a horror reality show.? Ancestors a k a ghosts can come to haunt you if you don’t perform rituals to keep them in their own world. Haven’t you seen those horror movies and shows which give you valuable information about how spooks can make your life miserable? I always make it a point to watch them. They provide more laughs than comedy shows. The best part of these movies/shows is when a sexy ghost (female of course, or do you think I am gay?) in a transparent nightgown carrying a candle sings a come hither song. And the scariest part is when the filmmaker switches on the fog machine to prevent you from getting the full benefit of all that transparency. Now wouldn’t it be great if the spooks land up here and one in a transparent nightgown sings a come hither song to you after you fail to placate them ? That would be great without the interference of spoilsport movie directors.switching on the fog machine. Aw come on. Let us get serious. Their world as I have already said, is called Pithru Loka. And Pithru comes from Pita no not the bread but Sanskrit/Hindi for dad. Obviously it is a male-dominated world. Either the women after kicking the bucket, undergo a sex change operation to become males and enter the world or they are kept under the thumbs of male spooks. Either way, there is no chance of a sexy ghost in a filmsy nightgown. And if you don’t want a very hairy male ghost in a nightgown singing a come hither song to you, better perform the proper rituals.(BTW what happened to good ol’ karma and rebirth? Aren’t these guys ever born again?) When I elaborated on these points before a lupine theist relative, he flared up and said I would only go to hell for such irreverence. Ignorant guy! He doesn’t understand the perks hell, if it exists has to offer. All sinful Bolly/Holly starlets and Playboy bunnies are bound to land up there and you will get an eyeful to ogle at and if you are more enterprising, you can have roaring affairs. I would probably run into quite a few of my forefathers and foremoms in hell (Quite a few of them were lawyers and so they must have landed up only there). Heaven? Yuck! I am sure apsaras like Rambha, Oorvasi and Menaka must be millennia old and that must be showing on their performances either on the dance stage or elsewhere. And getting billeted with them is not the worst case scenario. What if you are put up with say Mahatma Gandhi? The other heavenly possibility is you suffer hellish boredom by hosannaing the almighty for eternity. Not worth it pal. The best case scenario is becoming a ghost and haunting the earth. And believe me I would be a very scary ghost. My singing come hither songs or otherwise would send a chill down everyone’s spine. My singing scares the **** out of people even now. My sole service to theism is my bathroom singing. Then only my family remembers God as the daughter and wife bang the bathroom door and yell “For God’s sake stop!” As for transparent nightgowns.. who the hell do you think I am? Pass my jeans and tees please!