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Building Positivity In Married Life Forum

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Induslady, Mar 1, 2014.

  1. mysteriousone

    mysteriousone New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I have been married for 11 months now. I have a husband who is actually very good, but is highly inconsistent. He tells his mother everything which is actually not a problem if that lady can keep her mouth shut. My mil is an evil woman in the guise of a saint. She pretends to get along while she goes and complains to my husband. She wants everything updated to her.So she makes her daughter call or send some random messages like "Do you know what dinner today, etc" to my husband when we are at my parents place. She calls my husband without fail when we are at my parents place and then his whole reaction changes, he becomes stiff and there is always a fight because of her. Whenever I talk to her, she creates one problem or the other.

    The problem is my husband's actual response when I tell him something is way different from his next response which comes a day later after talking to his mother. Recently, we(my H and I) had gone for a movie with my parents. My mil had called my H and my H wanted me to talk to her. Since we were about to go inside the theatre and my mother was not able to stand for a long time, I grew impatient and snapped at him saying that I can't update everything to his mother. Another fight and I was under stress and lost sleep for two weeks and my periods got delayed. When checked with the doctor, he said chances of pregnancy/ miscarriage(due to the stress) was there. During this time, my husband was away on an office trip. I had gone to the doctor with my parents. I updated him after he came back. His initial response was that he was okay with anything(positive/negative/miscarriage) and that we have age, time, money and effort on our side and he hugged me. The next day after the test results turned negative also he was okay. But later that night, he taunted me saying that I am not able to pass one single test after speaking to his mother. When I fought with him saying that he is not supposed to talk to me like this, he said he was only joking. To top it, during the last two fights, he kept using foul language and I became so angry that I told him that I would leave him if he can't treat me properly. He refused to let me leave and I ended up hitting him. After this everything came back to normal.

    A few days later, I brought up the topic again. This time, I was patient and I told him that he is not supposed to talk jokingly or not jokingly like this to me. Also I have restricted my talks with mil as it destroys my peace of mind. My husband wants me to talk to his mil atleast once a week which I said no to because she is unnecessarily creating problems. My husband became angry and said I am supposed to talk respectfully about his mother when all I said was that talking to her creates problems. He is not ready to accept complaints about his mother at all and starts shouting. I left the room and went to the hall and was quietly watching a movie. It was 11 p.m and the doctor had advised me to go to bed at 9:45 p.m. So my husband came out and asked me to go to bed because I needed my sleep. I refused and he started pulling my arm and tried to drag me which I refused. I told him to leave me alone which he didn't and the lights went off because of power shortage. Then I felt a sharp pain in my hip and felt that he had kicked me which he kept denying. He keeps saying that he was actually trying to carry me and that it was his hand and not his feet. He said he is not the type of person to take his wife to doctor and then kicking her around on the other hand. I was so angry and was crying and asked him to get out of the room to which he said that I am torturing him and he doesn't know what else to do and left the room. Next day he kept ice pack, cooked food, etc. But he still keeps denying that he kicked me. There was no power when the whole incident happened and I really don't know what to do.

    Whenever talk about his mother comes, a fight arises. Otherwise, everything is peaceful and happy. He refuses to even acknowledge that problems arise when his mother comes into the picture and instead says that I take every small thing seriously. I feel that I seriously lack respect in this relationship.

    Please help.
     
  2. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

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    I have been reading queries here on IL from many women speaking on relationships with their spouse and how it would be wonderful, if only their partner would change. I won't sugar coat my points. Coming from an abusive relationship I have learnt a few things. We can never change other people. No one can ever change us, either, unless we want to make a shift. And you can find yourself at a real stalemate, and start to feel hopeless and stuck.

    But just as we can never change other people, we are also not set in stone. You can always change what you are doing, and there’s tremendous power in that. When you look at the situations in your life, the story to pay attention to is not the one about what this person did, or how things unfolded in ways you couldn’t have imagined, or how something beautiful turned to something painful. I mean, you can examine all of that, but the thing you really want to dive into, is the story of your own participation.

    Sometimes people get very clear on the “not taking things personally” part, and that’s wonderful. If someone is abusive, cruel, unkind, dismissive, thoughtless or disrespectful, that’s a reflection of where they are on their particular journey at this point in time. Is is not a reflection of anything lacking within you. But, and this is an important but, what is about you is your decision to continue to interact with people who don’t know how to do anything but hurt you. That part is the personal part, that’s the part you want to understand.

    We’re not always talking about awful, abusive situations. Sometimes it’s just a matter of the spark going out. People take their partners or loved ones for granted all the time. Sometimes we think we have people “pegged”, and we don’t have to pay attention anymore. But everyone and everything is in a constant state of flux. You are not the you of five years ago, and neither is anyone else. You can’t ever peg anyone. But you can stop looking and listening and appreciating and cherishing and celebrating people, and that’s a sad but common occurrence. And if you find you’re in a relationship like that, where you feel unseen and unheard and taken for granted, you’re probably not going to turn that around by pointing fingers, and letting your partner know all the many ways he or she is blowing it. Because it’s never one person. In any relationship, there are two people, and the third thing, the space between them. That is where the relationship exists, in that space. Each person decides what’s going into the space, and this is true whether we’re speaking romantically or otherwise.

    It’s easy to lose the thread. But if there was a spark in the beginning, if there was communication and vulnerability and honesty, you can find those things again, by offering them yourself. When you change what you do, things change around you, people respond to you differently. Also, your happiness is your own responsibility. You can’t put that on anyone else, that’s an inside job. If you are not at peace within yourself, if you’re not feeling inspired, if you’re not loving yourself well, no one can solve that but you. The idea in a healthy relationship is that you support your partner, you don’t look to him or her to solve your pain for you.

    If you’re in an abusive relationship, and by that I mean verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, it’s time to do something. Physical abuse demands that you create physical boundaries. In other words, you have to get out, and you’ll probably (definitely) need support in doing that. You cannot stay and expect things to change because they won’t. Or they will, but not in a good way. Your life here is a gift. It isn’t something you want to gamble. And thinking your love or patience or tolerance will finally change things is a dangerous delusion.

    If we’re talking about verbal and emotional abuse, boundaries are also in order. If you’re not worried about your physical safety, it’s time to draw the line. If a person cannot treat you with care and consideration, then what is the relationship about? Are you financially dependent? Does the abuse remind you of the way you grew up? Does some part of you believe that you are not good enough to deserve love? If you get a yes to any of those questions, you need help and support. Low self-esteem is dangerous because we betray ourselves when we feel we aren’t worthy of being cherished. We put ourselves in situations that are crushing and heartbreaking, and you can only take that for so long before you become depressed or hardened, or you need to numb the pain. That’s no way to live.

    There is no happily ever after without your participation and action. There is no person who’s going to sweep in and save the day and make everything okay, unless you decide to be that person. Be that person, seriously. Life is too short for anything else, and it can be so beautiful. Sending you much love. Reach out if you need help, Sandya
     
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  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Have you noticed that the OP called for a "strong marriage", and you had commented on a "happy marriage", and recommend a healthy interactive behavior. [I used Edit-Find to look for words in posts]
    Whether happy or not, traditional notion is to have a strong marriage, one that is long lasting, and thoroughly avoids separation or divorce considerations. Two secretive conspirators jointly putting up a potemkin facade for the extended family and community to notice and appreciate.
    We are soon to have a M.A. psych. student on a class project (of distant learning at the IGNOU) who wants to survey a sample of IL'ites on how one's personality contribute to satisfaction (not happy or strong!) in married life. When she completes her thesis, we must have a copy of that uploaded to this thread.
     
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  4. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

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    'Strong Marriages' without the happiness quotient is like tea without sugar. The consistency of how much sugar you want to add to your tea is upto you. And if you see on a subconscious level, there are days or rather moods when you like your tea to be just about right keeping a lot of factors in mind and then there are times when on a beautiful rainy day or a cold winter or after a long tiring day at work u would like that same tea to be a little more piping hot, a little more sugar and maybe some added flavors like ginger or cardamom or masala. And there is a difference about what you feel sipping that tea. The normal daily tea fills u with contend cause you have your daily chores to get through and that special tea brings out the smile, the happiness, satisfaction, gratification whatever you wanna term it and a 'Happy Marriage' is pretty much similar to that masala tea :D
     
  5. ImHuman

    ImHuman Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,I am the one who proposed to do the research . I am that IGNOU student.. I expected lot of participation at IL.. But very few responded....could not get any data from IL.. Can you recommend my study.. ?
     
  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    I had said "When she completes her thesis, we must have a copy of that uploaded to this thread."
     
  7. ImHuman

    ImHuman Bronze IL'ite

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    I did not get you.. can you please elaborate what you meant... I could get some 16 samples from my friends and acquaintances..outside. I need 40 samples... Actually the higher sample size and diversified across age groups economic back grounds ,the results will be more accurate... Any suggestions?
     
  8. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    I meant that I (or we) will wait for you to complete and post your result.
     
  9. ImHuman

    ImHuman Bronze IL'ite

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    Okay ! As I said I could only get 15-20 samples... And what we saw was Neuroticism( a person's tendency to be prone to stress, tendency to worry,sad, anger .. please learn more from internet) is the characteristic which is most influential...it is also correlating high with other personality characteristics ( agreeableness, extraversion , openness,conscientiousness).. it is negatively effecting persons self acceptance, personal growth.. personal relations and marital satisfaction too. As said the more no of sample , the high accuracy of study...
     
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  10. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    How many samples do you need to satisfy the relevance criterion for your study according to whomever that is going to grade your paper ?

    No matter how big a sample size you have, there is enough variations in the scheme of life, that you'd be stumped to find a dependable correlating pattern. If you were/are a reader of romance novels (sold to either teenage or older-age people), you'd easily come across such variations.
    Here is a reading matter excerpted from a longish essay that you may find useful:
    "Like many long-time readers of “Pride and Prejudice,” I’ve returned, again and again, to the problem of Charlotte Lucas. Pretty much everyone in “Pride and Prejudice” gets the spouse they deserve, except for Charlotte. Elizabeth’s best friend is a sensible, intelligent person, but because she isn’t young, pretty, or rich, she ends up married to the maddening and empty-headed Mr. Collins. (Lizzy calls him, in a letter to her sister, a “conceited, pompous, narrow-minded, silly man.”) “Pride and Prejudice” is a joyous novel, but Charlotte’s marriage is like the tomb in that Poussin painting “Et in Arcadia ego.” Even at Pemberley, I am here, it seems to say.

    I first read “Pride and Prejudice” in high school, and back then I didn’t devote a lot of thought to Charlotte’s marriage. As time has gone on, though, it’s seemed more and more important to me. Growing older involves making compromises, and I suppose that has something to do with it. But I’ve also become more familiar with the importance, in life, of choice. In a lot of ways, that’s what “Pride and Prejudice” is about: how we make choices. And no story in the novel says more about choices, about their difficulty and meaning, than Charlotte’s."

    It’s often said that, from a material point of view, Charlotte has “no choice” but to marry Collins. I myself talked this way just now, when I said that Charlotte ends up marrying Collins “because she isn’t young, pretty, or rich,” despite the fact that she’s “a sensible, intelligent person.” But that’s actually to misstate, or reverse, Charlotte’s situation. It’s certainly true that she isn’t young, pretty, or rich, and that those facts set the stage for her marriage. But it’s also true that Charlotte marries Collins because she is sensible and intelligent. It’s actually her sensibleness that gives her no choice but to do it. What really compels her to marry him is her thoughtfulness.

    Charlotte’s been thinking about marriage for years, and she’s developed for herself a code of conduct for marriage, a set of rules that recognize the reality of her situation and direct her toward a solution. Long ago, she recognized that she was trapped in a social web; rather than ignoring her predicament, she set about understanding it. Charlotte’s father, Sir William Lucas, was once a tradesman; after becoming the mayor of his town, he was presented with a knighthood. He retired, and is now a not-very-rich knight. Charlotte, therefore, is too wealthy, educated, and upper-class to marry a working man—that would be a kind of social demotion for her family—but too poor and average-looking to attract a truly wealthy one. She can’t marry up or down—she can only marry sideways. She knows and understands all of this. Collins, awful as he is, is actually her social equal. He is stupid and horrible (or “neither sensible nor agreeable,” as Charlotte thinks), but, like Charlotte, he occupies the very lowest rung on the ladder of social respectability. For her whole life Charlotte has probably known that she would end up marrying someone like him: a clergyman, probably with some education and the prospect of a growing income in the future. She’s always known that there wouldn’t be a lot of men to choose from.

    Charlotte knows, moreover, that she has to marry someone; it’s part of her responsibility to herself. When Charlotte first tells Lizzy about her decision, Lizzy is unequivocal in her response: Charlotte, she thinks, is “disgracing herself”; she has “sacrificed every better feeling to worldly advantage”; it will be, she thinks, “impossible” for her to be happy. To Lizzy, and to us, it can seem as though Charlotte has chosen a kind of oblivion, or spiritual suffocation. Charlotte’s life, as Lizzy sees it, will consist entirely of “her home and her housekeeping, her parish and her poultry.” But Lizzy, when she thinks these things, hasn’t thought as carefully as Charlotte has about what “worldly advantage” might mean.​
    I would encourage you to read the rest of the essay at this LINK.
     

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