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Building Mutual Respect and Equality in Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Dec 8, 2015.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    HC, so glad you bumped up the thread, and that post. I too need to reread the On Self-Respect essay. It is so worthy of re-reading many times.

    The author reminds and states, what needs to be, without berating. So powerful. Just what I needed.

     
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  2. APS45

    APS45 Silver IL'ite

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    First of all, why one should feel disrespected and unequal? Respect is always earned and not asked for, and if you have self respect, and if it reflects in all your words, deeds and approach towards others, you would feel respected by others as well, it happens naturally over a period of time. And what is self respect, it is a subjective and emotional evaluation of own worth, it primarily encompasses an attitude and belief towards the self. So to get respect, one should have self respect based on true self worth by being critical about own self, and by keep improving that. Rest will fall in line.

    And about equality, it is not 50:50 straight line running across a square, it is about being responsible and delivering what you can do best and let the other person do what he or she can do best with a sense of sharing the best out of each other for the needs and benefits of both.
     
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  3. somsar2014

    somsar2014 Silver IL'ite

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    1. If a woman feels the mutual respect is missing or less in her marriage, what steps can she take to begin to fix that?
    2. If a woman feels her marriage is terribly unequal in many aspects, what can she do about it?

    The above are the two main points for discussion. I am a man hence I cannot truly give a ladies perspective. But, I understood and witnessed the havoc role played by inequality in a marriage , where men are also sufferer. Hence what is true for men, I feel is true for women also. But, the manifestations are different.

    In our society, the rituals, customs, conventions are still tilted a bit in the mens side. But, law and neo-liberal thoughts favor the women more. Outside home, women get more support but inside home men get more support. You cannot deny that. So, if for any reason, a woman feel aggrieved and make it public, the man is sure to get treatment. Similarly if the woman is in her in-laws house, , she will not get support but her husband will surely get it.
    The thought of inequality, I feel, is a result of incompatibility in characters. Otherwise, when marriage means two people becoming one, why there is a scope of such question? Husband's everything is for the wife, and wife's everything is for the husband. When the children arrive, they are supposed to get everything from both parents. That's natural law. If , there are still questions of mutual respect, inequality in relation, I think, those should be drowned in the waves of issues in daily life and should not think much at all about these finer and subtle issues. After all what we gain out of these?

    If there is no cheating on either side, if there is no breach of trust and privileges, the lesser we think, the better it is.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Getting drowned in the waves of issues of daily life and the marriage buggy chugs along. Quite common. What happens when the children grow up and go away? Then, the issues can resurface? The older couple unable to be each other's support and partner, expect more from children or interfere more in their lives.

    "think less" is not a bad idea. As long as it works. Chances are that till life is smooth sailing, the 'think less' will work. If it hits a major bump like illness, job-loss, or a very challenging phase of a child, etc, then, the already shaky "think less" marriage can fall apart with finger-pointing and pent up resentment coming to the fore.
     
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  5. somsar2014

    somsar2014 Silver IL'ite

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    Good morning friend, thanks for adding value. Does it matter, that an old couple are fighting on issues of mutual respect? If wife falls ill , husband will take her to doctor and if the husband feels hungry, wife will bring food. If such a working formula still works, one should not think much about those heavy issues. Think or not, life will go on.

    Thanks again.
     
  6. magician

    magician Silver IL'ite

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    Well said.

    The best way to understand someone is to wear their shoes. That's empathy for you. And if males are reluctant to empathize with their better halves, women must make them wear those shoes. If you are working, ask your partner to take up half of the chores: taking the garbage out, cooking on weekends, setting the bed, getting the laundry done, taking care of the kids. Even if men crib and complain about it, they will come to realize the amount of physical work you put in everyday. Work that goes unrewarded and unappreciated, mind you.
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Watch the movie "Kapoor and Sons", it'll show how the working formula can stop working. Even though it is a movie, is quite representative of our times.
     
  8. somsar2014

    somsar2014 Silver IL'ite

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    I refuse to be guided by films except on issues, where I do not have any idea or cannot do more than remaining just mute watcher and learn. Thanks for the kind reference of the film. Good evening.
     
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  9. APS45

    APS45 Silver IL'ite

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    I thing there is fundamental flaw in trying to measure the equality in monetary terms between spouses. This could only make the things worse through competition and ego. I would put a monetary value for food prepared by a servant, but not for the food prepared by my wife; it is not the food, her love is valuable for me. I thing we are moving towards more symbolic and outward way of looking at equality, with emptiness in heart. The better way is to put through value contribution, and these values not necessarily be monetary.

    Secondly, the statement "Most houses, man is not coming forward" is not really reflecting the true picture today. Every week I go for veg shop, I take my kids to hospital when needed, I take my kids to library, and I have observed there were near equal amount of men over there, in all these places. I also do other work like washing the cars, maintaining the small garden and so many other men in the community where I am living. I have also seen women walking along with their pets and smart phone morning to evening, stopping and untimely talking with everyone coming in front of them, while the households are managed by servants and the children are send off for tuition until late in the evening. I think women should come out of stereotyping of men.
     
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  10. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    true, no woman would want her love and the way she maintains her home is measured in monetary value. But that estimation done by US to measure how much unnoticed and unappreciated time and effort it takes. When things doesn't work between couples and one or both thinks not appreciated etc and when they go to take help of law that time these monetary value comes into picture, in trying to do justice to both parties. (my sentences related to monetary stuff were in braces, as that is extra info I wanted to add , as not to the subject of main thread)

    second point, it is good that u and your community where u r living , men are contributing in household chores and kids activities. good for their families. But still there is a big percentage which yet to see that change.

    There may be women who are completely depend on servants and not taking interest on kids life. but very few. Even maintaining servants it itself a big art :smiley:,

    The Injection
    there is a thread, where IL'tes sharing views how we are injected in the terms of household chores. have a look, may be u r interested.
     
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