Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Dec 8, 2015.
Unbelievable truth be told, I am also quite obedient.
Attending to some India calls.
Ya can make out from your immediate reply Rihana dear
Respect and equality are both important, and if the husband and wife respect each other, the equations of equality gradually fall in place; but "equality" might mean different for different families.
Confidence, self respect and standing up for oneself: the woman should exercise these to gain respect from others in the family esp the spouse. If she feels that she is being carpeted, she needs to find a source of income, become independent and not bend backwards to accommodate unreasonable demands at the earliest.
Inform, not plead for your decisions that matter you. Tears can only cause further carpeting- at least that's what I feel.
It may not be possible to go around asking your spouse to respect you, but, that respect would follow when the spouse sees that you cannot be ordered around and that you respect yourself and cannot be bend down beyond those levels of dignity.
being treated equal as the husband in marriage would also follow when mutual respect is present. However, to me equality does not mean that the husband should cook, clean, wash etc. Nor does it mean that if I have to supervise the maid, take care of cooking, cleanliness or organizing at home etc, I am unequal. Instead, taking joint decisions, mutual consent in investing, discussions on things related to career, kids before arriving at a decision, the wife being able to buy something she likes (not want) without being questioned, wife being able to take care of and achieve in career etc is equality.
I grew up seeing my mom being "surrendered completely" to my dad. Her world started with my dad and ended with my dad. As a teenager, I always wondered how can someone be soooo devoted .. I imagined lack of independence my mom was subjected to and fought with my dad he did not respect mom enough to let her do her own things .. her own way.. my dad could only laugh when I fought and that irritated me more... I forced my mom to go solo shopping and when she did not budge I would drag her along with me (without dad) and insist she bought her own things her own way.. at the end of all the drama, my parents would have a hearty laugh.. and my sisters who were a good decade older than me would join them.
As I grew I realised there was not a "single" instance of disrespect or inequality between them.. my dad always would seek all our view on some important decision (including mom) and would do what he felt was best for the family and my mom had complete "faith" in his decisions. That's what a "head" of family is for right ??
He respected my mother's side of family equally which I feel is another form of displaying equality and respect. He did help my mom's side when they were in distress just the way he would help his own siblings.
I have never seen him let my mother suffer with any sort of work load herself.. he was always there to share the work and ensure she rested sufficiently. This, to me was a form of respect which very rarely men in his generation displayed.
So my point is .. a seemingly "unfair" and "unequal" partnership can be full of respect and equality .... it mere depends on the parties involved
fast forward to my time..
By the time I was to get married I was convinced that I should look forward to share a bond with my husband just the way my parents did and was prepared completely to be "obidient" and let him lead the show... I was 23 and still naive .. enough to believe all men acted mostly like dad + or - 10% due to the upbringing but the "core" values would be same..
I was in for a "shock"... In fact I started off handing over my entire salary to H and when I wanted to buy something and asked him money there would be court room type of interrogations... that was the first blow to my "self respect" .. my dad always said take it from the "pant pocket" without even blinking an eye... what was wrong with my man ??
and then in a procession came the incidences of "my people" vs."your people" ..a woman once married belongs to new family and should forget the old family... my parents are greater than yours... etc etc etc... each one being a blow..
I struggled a bit in the initial years and realised respect and equality had to be forcefully "snatched" from these people and changed my avatar..
There was a whole new "attitude" I started carrying
1) If my family means nothing to you... yours mean nothing to me
2) I switched from using my post marriage name back to using my maiden name .. simply because I wanted my dad's name to flash right in front of their eyes everytime
3) My money is my money. I am my own boss
4) I don't discuss everything with them.. especially if concerning my side of family.. I continue to do what I can to my parents and siblings without anybody's unwanted noise.
Having said all this... I still long deep within for the kind of love and respect where in I could have surrendered myself completely...ask no questions.. trust the judgement completely... be the minister and not necessarily the king...tell my child "do as appa says.. he knows best" ....sigh.. not in my destiny ..
I felt like someone else is reporting my story here. Ditto to what you have said here. I have experienced almost the same.
Just that, I have stopped longing for that life anymore. I am happy being the king, rather the queen of my family now.
@shari2003 and @swt.charu - beautiful responses. The mind is chewing on them. Makes you yet again wonder at this enigma called Indian woman.
Very well said, shari. Equality does mean very different things across families.
So true. Have to gain the respect. And being independent is the best way. Kind of sad to recognize and acknowledge this reality, but that is what is.
So so true. Tears or appealing to the better nature of the man, or begging/asking for approval etc gets the woman nowhere. If the respect is not naturally there, she has to go about earning it.
When the woman has the ability and strength to walk out of the marriage, and the spouse and general family know it, the situation for the walkout to happen are less likely to occur.
swt.charu, not to go overboard with agreement, but this has become one of my favorite posts in Reln forum.
Would make for a nice, strong discussion. I am also a closet admirer of the above. I've come across a western version of this in a few Christian websites. A most interesting topic, but in another thread.
Very useful suggestions, and a good narration of the difference between past generations equality/inequality and the current generation's. Thank you.