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Building Mutual Respect and Equality in Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Dec 8, 2015.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Many threads in Relationship forum are often about the struggle the woman is facing to achieve some basics in the marriage, such as mutual respect and equality.

    In the past, roles in marriage were more clearly defined and separate. Fulfilling those roles automatically begot the desired respect and some version of equality. Marriage and relationship now are more hazy and evolving.

    -
    If a woman feels the mutual respect is missing or less in her marriage, what steps can she take to begin to fix that?

    And the touchier thingie: equality. Each relationship is different.
    -
    If a woman feels her marriage is terribly unequal in many aspects, what can she do about it?

    Feel free to share you thoughts on the above. Don't worry about defending your opinion or suggestions - just share. On such topics, opinions can vary a lot. Our views are formed as we reflect on life through the prism of our own experiences.

     
    sindmani, shravs3, iyerviji and 6 others like this.
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    My immediate thoughts on this are that if mutual respect or equality are significantly missing in a marriage, if these are not automatically present - then it takes patience.

    And often, it is the woman who feels that these are missing, and it is up to her to do something about it, and she has to do it without rocking the marriage boat too much.
     
    KrishnaSri, sindmani, shravs3 and 2 others like this.
  3. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    1) by respecting her-self, taking stand for herself, being strong emotionally

    1) take charge of your life,

    2) take decisions and implement, don't take permissions, but discuss and implement if it is big things, where both needs to take decision

    3) be independent in all ways. don't dependent on H for money (at least earn for your personal expenses like beauty parlor etc), or to go anywhere, drive or take auto, taxi by yourself ( if it is for personal things)

    4)do shopping by yourselves, if he is not so interested to accompany you.

    By taking charge of life, some power comes to you.

    money and power are still needed to get respect (even though wife should be respected for their inner strength, good values, her loving nature towards family)

    even women taking care of family's all needs: like healthy food, loads of love to both children and H, house maintenance, dropping kids, taking them to doctor when sick all are done by women in most of the houses, as man is not coming forward. But still some Hs give, no respect for that work. (It is estimated that 52,000 $ worth of work is done by a home-maker per year by doing all above.)
     
    aldwm, KrishnaSri, oliveleaf and 21 others like this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    KF, crisp list of can-do's.

    Totally agree with this first item in the list. Self-respect. Very important.

    One of my recent finds has been essays by Joan Didion. The "On Self-Respect" is worthy of a read, both for content as well as style. From that:

    "It [self-respect] has nothing to do with the face of things, but concerns instead a separate peace, a private reconciliation."
     
    sindmani and KashmirFlower like this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    What is mutual respect and equality in a marriage is a very personalized thing for each married couple.
    It depends on your personality, ability and how you demand it.
    For ex: I call my husband by his name, rather a short version of his name. I do that everywhere.
    But my husband initially felt disrespected to be called like that by his wife. I felt disrespected too, coz my rights to behave normal (yet call him as normal as ever) after marriage was violated by this.
    Until he sets his mind straight and see it as normal, I had to call him in a common word that is generally used by older married women to address their Hs.
    Now, I patiently waited while educating him the actual meaning of "respect". Because I believe respect should come from the heart, not from the word.

    Once he learnt, it wasn't too difficult for me to be normal... i.e calling him with my preferred sweet/short name in public. I define this as a success in my marriage.

    Not every couple required to wait patiently or educate spouses on this subject to enjoy this tiniest matter (calling husband by your preferred name). It does happen naturally for many.
    But, what if you are not blessed to have such a circumstance in life?
    Does that mean you spoil your entire life for this? NO... This is where you should fight, wait, and win the situation. Definitely some extra work, but it pays so much.

    The first and foremost step is to understand the fact that she is not respected.
    Once it is clear, she should work on to analyze the reason for this problem. (lack of respect)
    There could be several reasons. Either husband is brought up in a family, that never respected women OR he lacks respect for his wife for a reason.
    If it is former, then educating husband the other side of the earth is important. It is primarily not his fault, but part of his growing up. He should be made aware of the importance of "respecting spouse" in a not disputing way.
    If the problem is latter, then the wife needs self analysis as to what made her to become a "disrespectful" person in that family.
    Perhaps she lacks self respect, or respect from her own family.
    Perhaps her acts prevent others from respecting her.
    Such analysis often help you to identify the root cause of the problem. That really helps to fix it.

    She has to demand for her rights. Self respect is the key.
    She should understand her role, her value, and her abilities. First of all, being independent helps to secure your rights.
    Being independent makes you self confident. That helps while demanding for your rights/equality.
     
    sindmani, hermitcrab, bliss5 and 4 others like this.
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    SGBV, suggestions from experience. And as usual they show lot of thought has gone into what is written.

    "But, what if you are not blessed to have such a circumstance in life?"
    interesting way of describing the lack.

    This also reminds me of a wry comment a real life friend made long ago:
    "Husbands... sometimes you have to bring them up, along with kids."
    So much so that now we ask her 'and how is the oldest kid?' : )
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This also reminds me of a FB viral post " Dear MIL, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours. And he needs a lot of improvement".

    Whenever I share this message, I really mean it.
     
  8. iyerviji

    iyerviji Finest Post Winner

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    Rihana dear you must have posted this thread for the youngsters here but since I have experienced I thought I will share my views.

    The following I got it from Google my best friend and whatever I felt like posting is in these messages. If I post it might my narration might not be so good. I like to share my experience in married life. I have already written about my married life in this forum and also in snippets and received award also. I think you must have read that


    The greatest marriages are built on teamwork. A mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love and grace.


    Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse. Millions of tiny moments that create your love story.

    Marriage does not guarantee you will be together forever, it's only paper. It takes love, respect, trust, understanding, friendship and faith in your relationship to make it last..

    No marriage is perfect and we won't always agree on everything, we made a vow to each other for better or for worst, we have had our bad days and we have had our good days, but through it all we have had each other.

    Marriages are successful where there is mutual respect, admiration and lots of love and grace. In the earlier years I also used to think I did not get the right partner according to my choice. But God knows which partner will be the best for us and accordingly he gets us married. It is in us to make the married life successful. If we cant change our better half it is better to change ourselves. I also used to think that my better half should be well educated, should have high position , should be well settled and have a beautiful house. But I was disappointed when I knew that my husband was staying in a chawl. Since I was a working woman I felt how my friends will come to my house because I had all hi fi friends. But my friends saw only my love and they came to my house when my daughter was born. I cant blame my husband too because he had the responsbility because he was the second eldest brother and had come up in life with hardships. But with both of us earning we got our own flat after 5 years of marriage through an uncle of my mine.

    He used to help me in cooking and everyone in my office knew that and used to say I am lucky and also my neighbours used to feel Jealous. Since they were house wives they did not understand how it is being a working women. During mmy delivery also he used to look after me very nicely and I used to miss him in the hospital when he used to come late. Slowly our love increased and I understood its not the position that brings two people together but love and care brings them together. I felt more close when he took care like a mother when I had hip bone fracture and was in bed for two months . I was not supposed to get up ad could get up only when I had lunch. He did everything for me that time.

    He gave helping hand in bringing up my children and till today they respect him and are scared to do anything without his knowledge when they come home. In our house all decisions are taken by him and me and my children never go against that . Now after retirement we have come closer and I have forgot the differences we had earlier . My marriage is successful because I was an obedient wife and till today I am like that
    :)

    A Great Relationship Is About Appreciating The Similarities And Respecting The Differences?ref=pinp nn A great relationship is about two things: first, appreciating the similarities, and second, respecting the differences. In romantic relationships, as with so much else, it’s the little things that count. Just as a mis-spoken word or odd look can throw a couple into a weeks-long feud
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Viji, only you can say that and put a smiley and we get what you are trying to say. :)
     
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  10. iyerviji

    iyerviji Finest Post Winner

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    Thank you Rihana, I am of old times, thats why must be I had been obedient and obedient now too, might be if I was from present age I might have been different or the same .

    P.S. It must be late night there na, you have not gone to sleep
     
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