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Brother`s marriage issue

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Pontu, Feb 8, 2010.

  1. Pontu

    Pontu New IL'ite

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    Dear All,
    I am writing to you all about my brother. He is 32 and we both are very attached to each other. I had posted my concern about my brother in the post :
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/70268-my-brothers-love-life.html
    The thing is my brother is in love with a girl who is from a different religion. we are hindu brahmins and she is a muslim. my brother wants to marry her but my parents are against this. I am married and have 2 daughters(10 and 4 years old). My husband and my in laws are very conservative and traditional, so I dont know how they will react about the whole thing. I want my brother to be happy but at the same time i want my parents to be happy as well. no one and i mean no one has married some one from different community, caste leave alone a different religion in our entire immediate and extended family. my parents will suffer a lot of humiliation and embarrassment if my brother marries a muslim girl, they are old and plan to retire after 2 years in our native home town. My brother and myself live away from them so we have to depend on our relatives for helping them in case of emergencies. my parents have decided that they will cut off all their ties with him if he marries his girl friend. now i am in a fix, i dont know what to do as my brother is requesting me to support him in his decision to marry his gf. my parents and my husband are totally against this. my husband has never been in very good terms with my parents and my brother and in his opinion this decision of my brother will affect the future of our daughters as well(when they grow up and start the marriage process etc). friends, please suggest me how to deal with this. last time i really got good feedbacks and expect the same this time around as well. thanks.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 10, 2010
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  2. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Pontu,
    This is definitely a serious issue.I wanted to reach out to you to say please be calm and approach this with level head.

    First of all its his life so he should be able to live as he wants without all added guilt from everybody.

    Now,do explain to your brother that marriage is a LIFETIME commitment.Its hard enough and if you add issues right from the beginning like religion it maybe very hard later on.Whose religion will the children follow..will the girl be able to give up her religion and all she believed in and able to worship idols,as her religion is against this....also follow rituals...They may say yes now but after 10-15 yrs everyone changes and becomes more spiritual...

    If he is really sure about it you must support him no matter what.Your daughter's marriages are at least 15 yrs away so don't spoil his life for something so remote in the future.

    Give him pros and cons and trust him to make his decisions and then live by them...

    GOOD LUCK..
     
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  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Pontu,

    Even I beleive religion will play major role after marriage.Before marraige people only interested to get married.But once married ,people will start looking into other things.
    For any person is not easy thing to give up anything easily which they got from birth.
    Here not just they live by themself.Eventually both set of paretns start involving in there lifes and they will do big mess.Typically again each person would try to protect there parents and there views so the realtion will get messed up.
    Better talk to you brother and explain more.Love is one thing and living togther afterwards with society and culture difference is huge thing.
     
  4. VLR

    VLR Silver IL'ite

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    My suggestion would be to not mess with your brother's life. let him take his own decisions without any emotional blackmails. He is 32,..It is a question of his entire life and if he really likes this girl why should he not marry her.

    I agree marrying a girl from a different religion is no cakewalk but dont we see people who lead their lives happily..What if he deicdes he likes only this girl and will not marry anyone else? Would you like him to stay single all his life? And you never know.. that girl might respect and take care ofyour parents like you would do..Answering relatives will be a big headache but if you and your family firmly stand by your brother, I am sure all of you can tackle it without any issues.Just place the facts in front of him and if he is ready to go ahead, it is his right to do so.

    And I dont think it is fair to link this to your daughter's marriage.It sounds too far fetched. Who knows how the world will be after 10-20 years..
     
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  5. narasmanasi

    narasmanasi New IL'ite

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    Hi

    I guess its hard on you and certainly the first out of community marriage in any family is always hard ! Having said that , if this girl is good for your brother in every other way you should support him in his decision . All the more so because he looks unlikely to have any one else's support .
    An inter - religion marriage is not a piece of cake ( i have cousins who have married outside the religion ) but it can work out if your brother and the girl are mature

    all the best!
     
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  6. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Pontu,

    In today's world, I am really shocked to see a family so conservative. What you people gain in keeping up your image? If your answer is 'Respect', is it so important compared to your brother's happiness. Sorry if my statement is hurting you.

    Pontu, you know your brother better than us. Is your brother 100% sure in marrying that muslim girl? Then as a sister, you need to discuss with him all pros & cons of the marriage life and leave the decision to him. He is who gonna live with her. This is the first love marriage happening in your family, so it is difficult to convince your parents & relatives. But in few years, things will be set right.

    If you are worried about answering your husband and in-laws, tell them that you are not involved in his love and cannot interfere in his decisions but do support him without their knowledge. Don't worry about your daughters. I understand that your daughters cannot enter another conservative family in future but will definitely get a better person in life.
     
  7. diyakilight

    diyakilight New IL'ite

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    Sorry to sound so harsh, but your parents and you seem to care more about your reputation and your standing with your relation than for your brother. Is this really true, does your brother mean this little to you? If not, than what is hindering you to see him happy with the girl he loves and make life for them easier with accepting the girl as she is. It is sad to see, that people can be this intolerant to another human being - muslim, sikh, jew, christian or hindu...
     
  8. MrsV

    MrsV Bronze IL'ite

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    I really sympthaize with Pontu. As much as we think we should be tolerant towards people of different faiths and get along really well in our professional and social circles, when it comes down to marriages, it rarely happens. And its not the parents or OP are bigots, it just apprehension and the fear or isolation. There is nothing wrong with being conservative family wanting to want to pass it down to the next generation.

    I don't think she is saying that her brother's happiness is of lesser value, as a matter of fact, its the opposite. And I'm sorry, reality is that family image in India is EVERYTHING. And no matter how much you counter against it, it is the bottom line.

    Also to the OP, how is the girl's family handling this? Are they asking your brother to convert? Because, if her family places such demands on your brother, sorry to say this because it will worse. It is upto your brother to decide what he wants to do with his life, I'm sure he knew he will come down this path at some point. If you want to maintain ties with your brother, that's your call, not your husband's, inlaws or your parents decision. Like other's said, marriages are hard to begin with, and add some religion and family drama to the mix, unless the couple truly believe and practice that their life comes first, they might not make it to the altar.. sad but true.
     
  9. piscesy2k

    piscesy2k New IL'ite

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    Dear Potu,

    I have thought about such a scenario myself..what if my children want to marry someone from another religion?..as open as i may seem to be, i still dont think i would be the happiest mother(i dont have kids as of now but one day i will and there is a good possiblity it might be)..yet i think i would not make an issue out of it..because i know the power of love...noone in my family has married out of caste...but im in love with someone outside the caste(but the same religion)...the truth is i would still love him if he were a muslim or a christian...love is unconditional potu...it just doesnt care about your root or religion or race...we should also remember that when we vehemently discourage a tabooed love of someone, we are equally likely to be the victims of it through our own children..and our present behaviour will embarass us more in case such a situation arises.

    Think of worse cases that would have been...what if our loved ones get divorced..what if they could never marry for some reason or the other...imagine a situation the grow old alone..isnt love better than all these

    Also think of more embarassing cases, like what if one of our loved ones say that they are gay!!..What if they are and they never say it and we get them married to a man/woman whom they cannot keep happy...what a disaster would that be..

    God is kind..everything is for the best and it is my belief that someone like your brother who is so true to his love that he forgoes the social norms for its sake is a keeper..He seems to be a great guy and what he does is commendable...

    AT the end of it, it is love, health and happiness our our people that really, actually matters..Let us not forget to thank god that we are all alive to speak about such comparatively petty things in life..Let us thank god for our True Love
     
  10. Pontu

    Pontu New IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    thank you so much for your responses. I had a talk with my brother. The girls parents are also not supportive. he is willing to let go of her (he is saying this now but somehow i am not able to believe him as he sounded quite serious about her before). I asked him about his future and he said that he will marry and assured me that he is mature enough and knows his responsibility well. He will treat the girl as his life partner and with love and respect. Hearing all this as a sister i was sad when i thought about the scrifice he is willing to make.
    I know myself love is beyond caste, religion and all such aspects and believe me I am ashamed at how my parents and the whole society including my so called highly educated foreign residing "scientist" husband thinks about all this. It is really saddening. I know there are many many inter-religion marriages taking place in india and i am not surprised by it. But if you look at the facts, it is mainly happening in the metros or the bigger cities. In small cities, towns and in rural areas of india it is uncommon. And I do agree with you all- why should we care about the society? the most important thing is the happiness of my brother. But when i think of the situation post marriage, I feel very sad. my parents wont be able to live happily and peacefully when they wont be included in any social events and also lose their friend circle solely because of their son`s marriage to a muslim. i know it is strange, but it is a harsh reality which exists in many parts of India. And unfortunately we belong to that part. If it was me, I would sacrifice for the sake of my parents and my sibling. They were the ones who supported me and loved me all along in my ups and downs and came to my rescue any time I needed them. if I persuade them may be they might support me in this case too but I am not ready to give up my loving relation with my parents and sibling for the sake of my love. in my opinion marriage should bring happiness to all (immediate)family members also. My brother if he chooses can live alone with his wife, away from everyone and be happy in his own world, but what abt my parents and the girls parents? At this old age is it recommendable and practical to locate to a new\different place and start life afresh? As you said, the ball is in my brother`s court now. It will surely be a very very difficult decision to make but he has to do it and sort out things.
     

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