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brother relation

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by mkarthika, Jul 19, 2010.

  1. mkarthika

    mkarthika New IL'ite

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    hi
    I am 26 years old girl and got a degree from a college but not going to job(because i am unable to go to job).My brother is in another state for the job sake(software job).Our parents have a property of some few crores approximately ( we get monthy rent of some amount from the buildings -its enough for the monthly expenses)

    .I am going to get marry soon.Before one year my brother got married with a girl.Now they have 2 months baby.

    My nature is like that -i move harldy with new people (sister in law).I know she is one of my family member .But i feel a sort of discomfort to move with her(who is new and not able to mingle with her) .Also i cannot move with her as free as to my brother.

    I saw more changes in my brother after 6 months to his marriage.He supports lot to his wife and reduced to talk with me slowly..He speaks to me properly only when i speak to my sister in law properly...

    I cant bear this change :-( that disturbs my normal life

    My brother is saying that i can give money( a part from his salary) to his parents only up to my marriage.After my marriage he wont give money to my parents,he told.

    Is that its duty of the son to look after his parents or its duty of daughter ..?
    How should i react to my brother and his wife so that they will take care of my parents ...
    I hope u understand my fear....


    Please give me a solution to this...

    thanks
    karthika
     
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  2. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    Congratulations on your marriage.:thumbsup

    If your parents have income form property, why do you think that your brother needs to support them? I don't understand that. Yes, you need to be nice to your SIL. She is new to the family and your brother has the right to support her too. Make a point to be nice to her. Are you nice to the baby? If you show some kindness, I am positive your brother will be happy. Things wil get better.

    Good day.
     
  3. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    mkarthika

    Congratulations on your wedding :)

    See, your brother's an adult capable of making his decisions and for whatever reason, his decision is to not support your parents financially. We need not go into the details of whether that is morally right or wrong. But the point is you can't expect that he should or would. If you can and you want to, you should do so.

    Also, all this son should support his parents rhetoric is all outdated and nonsensical. Daughters also can support their parents whether or not she has a male sibling. And to say that you will behave with them in such a way that they give money to your parents is almost like manipulating them. That's not a nice way to think about your brother and his wife. You have yourself said that your SIL is new to the family, so isn't it your job to make her feel welcome in your family by being nice to her?

    You are going to be marrying soon, don't leave your maternal home with this kind of insecurity. It will get carried into your new home and chances are that it will raise its head with your relationships there as well. All the best!
     
  4. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Karthika,

    As a human being how would you treat a fellow human being? That is how you need to treat your SIL, she is someone else's daughter and someone else's sister too.
    Basic foundation of any relationship is 'Respect'. When you lack it the relationship falls apart?
    I am glad your brother stood up for your SIL. Why were you not talking properly to your SIL? And even after that how could you expect your brother to support you. You brother hasn't changed. He is just doing the duty of a spouse.

    And regarding the responsibilities towards your parents, it's a child's responsibility towards the parent and that child can be a son or daughter. So you have as much responsibility towards your parents as your brother. Your duty towards your parents as a child is taking care of them, not making your brother/SIL understand their responsibilities. You say, you do not have proper relationship with your SIL, not sure what kind of relationship she has with your parents. If she is not respected or accepted by your family members then why should she even have any kind of responsibility towards any one of your family members, except her husband who is standing up for her.

    You are getting married very soon. Congratulations. With the marriage comes lot of responsibilities and adjustments. You need to learn to get along with your new family members. You just can't say, I am like this so world has to bear me. If that's the case, you are better off alone and spare a family from the pain of marital life. Just think...
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2010
  5. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Kartika,

    I understand that you are feeling a little neglected. However when a guest comes to our house we need to make them feel welcome not the other way around.

    you are getting married soon so let me tell you out of the 7 vows we take all of them tells the husband to love, cherish and take care of their wives. Your brother is doing that so he is not wrong in any way.

    The helping parents bit is between your brother and parents. I am sure if they need financial assistence your brother will help.

    Try to be nice to your SIL, but some toys for your nephew, ask her about being newly married, etc.

    Don't wory it will be fine.

    FL
     
  6. mapleleaf

    mapleleaf Silver IL'ite

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    Karthika, i am sure SIL must have understood your reserved personality by now, but it is your duty to be welcoming and friendly with her since you guys are around same age and she is new in your home. You need not be chit-chatty all the time if it is not your nature, but whenever you talk to her keep a friendly and non-confrontational tone. One of the best ways to befriend a new mom will be to offer your help with the baby whenever possible, try to chat her up about being a new bride and new mom.
    As far as your brother helping your parents goes, i did not get from your post that parents are in dire need. Your brother has a new family to care for and you mentioned he trying to relocate to another state, with all this i don't think your parents are expecting your brother to provide financially for them, if they have such needs it is between him and them. Do not hold your SIL responsible (even if in your mind) for your brothers financial involvement or lack of it.
    Enjoy your time in your parental home, soon you will be a married woman having your own responsibilities make your presence enjoyable and happy for everybody in your home. Carry good vibes to your new marital home. Good luck :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2010
  7. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Karthika, congratulations! Hope you have a great life ahead.

    What is wrong in expecting to speak to SIL properly? priorities change karthika. Your brother has a wife and a baby to care for now. Its not like they are abusing you. Speaking with your SIL might actually help you open up to new people you are bound to come across after marriage. You might be your brothers princess until he got married but now he has a wife. Wouldn't you expect the same thing from your husband what your brother is doing right now? (giving wife the first priority?)

    As for the relationship with your SIL, you can try to be a little helpful. Simple things like offering to babysit and let the wife and husband go out for a calm dinner would get you 1000 points in 2 hours! This will also show that you care. I am sure your brother and SIL would appreciate that.
    Or you can offer simple things like changing the diaper or watching the baby while your SIL is in shower woud help her a great deal. Be supportive.
    These things will help you break the ice with SIL.

    As for the money part, you are saying that your parents are rich. Do they really need financial support from your brother?
    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2010
  8. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    You say you have trouble welcoming a girl into your family, what will you do when you are married and go to live in a family full of strangers? Your brother is not wrong at all. His wife and kids are his first priority just like yours will be someday.

    With the financial details you gave about your parents, it looks like they 'don't need' financial support. If you still are concerned about your parents, fulfill your duty as best as you can. You can not dictate on what your brother should do for your parents. Its between him and parents.

    I, being on the receiving end of this kind of intrusion, would say you interfering on how your brother should take care of your parents will only create problems between yourself and your brother... and your brother and your parents. Your brother and parents are old enough to know how to deal with each other.
     
  9. amihere

    amihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Since your parents receive money required for running the household and other requirements why does it bother you if brother doesnt give his part of salary monthly? I am sure he will help as much as he can when a need arise.


    Ofcourse your brother should support his wife and kid. And people's priorities change after marriage. It is one year after his marriage and still you are not able to atleast build an ok relation with your SIL?Please work on it, since you are getting married you have to mingle with your PILS,BIL,SIL etc and this explanation of yours wont help you much there.


    I
    It is the duty of a child to look after his/her parents.
     
  10. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Karthika, in lines with your "relationship with sisterinlaw" thread, nothing has changed so far in your outlook to accept your SIL.
    Do remember you're getting married as well, and same can repeat with you.

    Anyhow if I try to guess then you'll probably get married into a family with opposite thinking who'll always try to find a family member in you but you'll continue to disown them as well and think that only your parents are your family.

    I think your concern now is that whatever money you're getting as rent will either be used in household or directed to you as your monthly pocket money since you can't work but will need money & hence want your brother to keep pumping in finances as per societal norms.
    Dont worry my MIL does the same, whatever rent she gets from her crores worth of prop she directs some amount to her daughter and with remaning loads is able to live happily and take 5 star vacation tours.

    Eventually when SILs husband started earning in 7 digits she started getting 10 times the pocket money her mother was giving, hence problem further resolved.

    You should probably try concentrating on developing interpersonal skills to gel up with people other than those of your blood relation that shall be of help to your brother's & your marriage.
     

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