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Brother Has No Boundaries

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by senorita2019, Jul 9, 2024.

  1. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi
    I am here again for the same problem I had in April but with my DH ‘s brother.

    My DH’s brother is 10 years younger to him, he is very very reserved and has no friends. His wife and him have a very strained relationship and they barely talk or do anything together. He has no hobbies or interests. His work is all he has.

    Me and DH were divorced and this is second marriage for both. He was single for a long time so both brothers used to keep chatting and talking on phone 24/7. They talk abt family stuff, gadgets, cars, deals online etc etc

    Now I am telling DH, after 8 pm both of us have to put our phones on the table and prioritize couples time. But he cant do it. He feels his brother will be offended if he does it as he keeps texting or calling and DH feels the need to respond. So when we are talking or watching a movie he is texting him back. So he is physically near me but his mind is conversing with his bro.

    his bro is in west coast, we are in east coast in usa. So his bro has all the time in the world. I am feeling irritated why my DH cant draw the boundary and prioritize the marriage ..

    the whole day from the morning till 8 pn they are chatting. Is it unreasonable for me to ask couple time, undivided attention and some importance?

    DH knows its unhealthy to enable him but since he has always seen him as a son, due to age difference, he is very hesitant to tell him to his face .

    he doesn’t understand by himself or due to his loneliness he just needs my DH as a crutch. And wont let go

    i had a divorce literally because my ex used to be on his laptop 24/7, working and running a side business. We never had couples time in 15 yrs ever. This time around I want to make it right but unfortunately my brother in law is a blocker

    I feel couples time is imperative to keep the bond strong.


    Pls share your thoughts.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2024
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Give ChatGPT this text and ask it to calculate what percentage is about husband and what percentage is about husband's brother. Keep editing the text till the husband's percentage is at least 80. Then, the problem will be clearer as will its unchangeableness.

    Your desire for being prioritized and some undivided attention time is not unreasonable. The problem is that your husband does not want this or at least not as badly you, he is content with things as they are. We cannot make someone want something they don't want.
     
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  3. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    problem is not your brother in law. problem is your spouse. both are grown men. i do not understand what is there to talk for hours. both need to change some life style. your BIL lifestyle is unhealthy and dangerous. introvert is not an excuse. have a calm talk with dh at home. dh needs to ask bil to change and add some healthy ways. like a walk , yoga . even therapy. something . even dh is so co-dependent on him as enabler. it needs to reduce slowly.
     
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  4. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    Start talking about another man in front of your husband. Seriously how can grown men behave like this. Are you sure it’s his brother and not someone else? It sounds like those men who lie to their wives they’re having a business meeting when in reality it’s another women they’re talking too.
     
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  5. kavikuyil

    kavikuyil Silver IL'ite

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    You have husband problem, not brother in law problem. Your spouse doesn't have boudnaries.

    Also, instead of asking him to give up all his evening time after 8 pm for you, maybe tell you need 1 or 2 hrs of his time after dinner, just for you. Time box it, he can do whatever before or after..
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    As @Rihana rightly said, you can't make your husband want couple time which he doesn't want or doesn't want as much as you want.
    Uninterrupted couple time after marriage is an overrated thing according to me. Yes, it was magical when we were very young with no commitments or responsibilities towards life. We demanded couple time, and enjoyed it a lot. Thanks to our age, and the hormones and the privacy we had that time.

    At 40, our priorities are different from what it was some 20 years back.
    For me, the priority is uninterrupted sleep at night, and family time at least once a day. We make it at the dinner table most of the times, but there are days at least one of us eat earlier or sleep earlier or has home work or business to handle while others are waiting at the dinner table.

    I think perfect couple or family exist only in movies, not in real life. But does that make our life imperfect, NO.
    We are perfectly fine with our imperfection. Because the moment one of us need a company, the other leaves everything else to share that shoulder. But we know when and what to expect. This is what life has taught me in these long years of relationship.

    Coming to your problem, your spouse is definitely overdoing his brother part here. But, it is your role to ensure that he likes your company than that of his brother. No one can snatch a man if he really loves you and wants quality time with you.
    And quality time doesn't mean switching off the phone. It might make him miss his brother more.
    He should limit the chats and calls when he comes to be with you. If urgent, he can always attend. If not, these chats can wait.
    You both have to take baby steps together. Don't expect him to switch off his phone after 8pm and stay with you till he falls asleep by 11pm or so. It is not easy.
    Perhaps, he has slowdown the calls by 8pm, and switch it off by 10pm if he winds up his day at 11pm. In between you guys can have your time.
    It is not the calls, but the attention matters.
     

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