Brother and his wife.....devils!!!!

amnice · Jun 20, 2011

There is nothing I can do about this except feel sad for my parents seeing their situation, angry at my brother and SIL for creating this for them and bitter and bad inside me for being a mute spectator.

My brother got married 14yrs back. From the day one, my SIL started seeing us ie., my sister and me, as rivals. No matter what we do or say is always twisted and turned. She is expert in this art of misunderstanding things.
We would not have any ill-feelings even in the remotest corner of our mind but few days later brother will start questioning us on our intentions.

We had enough to last a lifetime or more. Nowadays we dont even answer them...........IDIOTS!!

That B***h had the audacity to call my parents names. The very same parents who have always kept her in their prayers and good thoughts and wished her best in life. Those very same parents who helped her during difficult pregnancy and complications when her own parents did not come forward to help her citing some stupid reason.........and many more times when she needed help..........

As it is, we ie., sister and I, never lived anywhere nearer to them but even our few ocassional visits to them seems SO unwelcomed and she really never bothers to care about us when we visit them. It is not me but even my parents have felt that. And, how ever much we tried to make her happy and and make her feel at home when she married brother, that very woman created so much bitterness to us which is difficult for me to pen down here.

She has such ego and attitude........ugh!!! She has hurt us so many times. Too much temper tantrums and ego is all she shows in our presence.

I know that GOD is watching and in some or the other form he is surely going to teach her a lesson.
I feel sad for my parents and their situation. How much my mom tried to please her DIL and what a devil she got? How many hopes my parents had on brother and what a worthless fellow they got ultimately.

They dont have the basic respect atleast seeing the age of the person.
With what has happened over these years, I simply dislike even looking at their faces.
I simply hate that devil called my SIL......brothers wife!!!! Such a selfish, money minded worthless woman you could ever meet!

I know all my thoughts hear may sound very bad but that is the truth and I wish I never get a chance to meet them again. But, I also know that will not happen as in some or other way I am bound to cross path with them. I will surely not like that and just wait for that time to pass feeling choked and suffocated inside.

Sometimes, life plays funny tricks on us and that has exactly happened with my parents. Feel sad for them but cannot do much other than doing my duty towards them as a daughter.

Please share your side especially your relationship with your brothers wife.
Wish I never read a post similar to mine but another side to it is such posts may console me seeing that I am not alone.

mickeymini · Jun 20, 2011

I feel really bad for your parents. It is always like this only. Nice Inlaws will get devils as their Daughter in laws and vice versa. It is very difficult for your parents but try avoiding talking to you SIL. Please pray God. This is the only solution.Only God can help.

ars · Jun 20, 2011

I felt so sad reading your post. World is with all types of people right. its our punya or karma we meet, cross paths, associate and have relatives as diferent types of people.
Is your parents living with them or the bro living with the parents. If your parents are financially sound its good to live on their own. Atleast they wont have to face this humilation everyday. Love is blind. your bro is always a son to them and she is the dil.

asuitablegirl · Jun 20, 2011

I simply hate that devil called my SIL......brothers wife!!!! Such a selfish, money minded worthless woman you could ever meet!
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And you wonder why she doesn't like you. How can you be friends with someone when you have this in the back of your mind? She probably picks up on your animosity. How about talking to them straight instead of saying things that can get "misunderstood". "Hello how are you" or "how are the kids" or "the weather is hot here" never gets misinterpreted. I highly doubt you or your parents are blameless, just like I highly doubt your sil or your bro are blameless. It's my guess the problem has been partly created by all. They aren't just your parents, they are your bro's parents too. So for him to keep his distance from them, there must be a reason, else no child would do that just for the heck of it. If he felt it was just a clash of personality between his parents and his wife, he would probably still be in touch with you all. But he obviously saw something else going on that made him mad enough to confront you and stay away. Given how attached Indian men seem to be to their parents, I'm very surprised when an Indian guy maintains some distance from his parents and siblings... and I don't think that's a decision he would have taken lightly. I would bet he has a very good reason.

ppriya182010 · Jun 20, 2011

Hi, sorry for your parents. But as much as I sympathise your situation, there could be more to the other side of the story.

Mostly Indian parents, tend to change soon after their son's marriage. Insecurity, jealousy, I don't know. But they just change. Your parents mite be all good to you, ofcourse you are their own daughter. But you mite not be sure how they behave in front of their DIL.

I know my DH and family before marriage. They seemed to be so nice. But soon after the marriage topic started, suddenly they started hating me, wanted to hurt mine and my parent's feeling and show off in front of their relatives that they are groom's side. They haven't missed a chance to do that, no matter how nice me or my parents were to them. Till date they try to find fault and blame me for something or the other and keep me away in a distance.

8 yrs of love and trust between me and my DH fell part in one big fat wedding and who else do you think I can blame on? My IL's ofcourse. I have a DD, but me and my DH are excellent roommates now. Nothing more. I used to argue, discuss and explain politely, but nothing works. I gave up finally. I wish my DH is like your brother, seriously. I don't want him to hate or fight with his parents, but atleast to be more considerate towards me.

SriVidya75 · Jun 20, 2011

One thing you can do and which you are already planning to do is...STAY AWAY from people whom you dont like....I dont think no matter what you call her and whehter thats the truth or not, it doesnt make a difference to her or your brother right?

Also to top it, if you keep thinking these thoughts, it will spoil your own mind and inturn your parents would feel more hurt as they can see that their kids are in pain....atleast for their sake just brush aside all these feelings and even if they broach this topic, all you have to say is come on leave it...how does it matter whether she is nice or not.....be happy that god gave you a chance to stay away from such people....think of those who have to stay with such people day in and day out and bear all this....so be happy and do not spoil your sanity over this...

Dhaanika · Jun 20, 2011

amnice said: ↑

Sometimes, life plays funny tricks on us and that has exactly happened with my parents. Feel sad for them but cannot do much other than doing my duty towards them as a daughter.
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Well you're certainly not alone, and I feel bad about the disturbed family dynamic.

Why do you say you cannot do much for them? Aside from your SIL's issues, do the parents face other issues like health, finances and so on? I don't know much from what you wrote, but daughters are a BIG emotional support, some times parents or IL's just need the time and a kind hearing pad... if nothing else, know that you can always be their sounding board and if you keep yourself happy, they will derive their happiness from you.

When relationships go sour, there is only so much that you can do to turn them back to square one. Wounds and hurt take a long time to go away, and at times things will never revert back. From my personal experience, I feel that its best to look forward and not back at all the hurt and pain, it only perpetuates the cycle. I wish peace and happiness for you and your family.

kAlyaniShAnti · Jun 20, 2011

asuitablegirl said: ↑

Given how attached Indian men seem to be to their parents, I'm very surprised when an Indian guy maintains some distance from his parents and siblings... and I don't think that's a decision he would have taken lightly. I would bet he has a very good reason.
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Hi ASG,
appears you have got a partial picture of the so-called Indian guys. Rather I would say this is a very generalised statement you have made. The reality is quite different. The population has even share of both the types, what you said and what OP mentioned.

Hi OP,
It is sad what you experience. Hope your judgement is correct and there is no ifs and buts.

It is all in the opportunistic mind, whichever suits them they will choose that, be it their parents or their wives, or what I can not explain. But it does happen in Indian society.

My own experience says there are siblings who will depend on the parents when they are in need, without caring whether their act is causing in trouble to the aged parents, at times do not even think twice to bad mouth and insult the parents. This is reality which happens, and it is unfortunate.

amnice · Jun 21, 2011

mickeymini said: ↑

It is very difficult for your parents but try avoiding talking to you SIL. Please pray God. This is the only solution.Only God can help.
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Yes, Mickey, I can only pray God that things improve. It is not possible for my parents to avoid talking to them and helping them because after all they are parents to my brother too and they try so hard to keep peace but with such a DIL peace has no place in their life.

ars said: ↑

Is your parents living with them or the bro living with the parents. If your parents are financially sound its good to live on their own. Atleast they wont have to face this humilation everyday. Love is blind. your bro is always a son to them and she is the dil.
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My parents thankfully dont live with them under one roof. And also my dad gets his pension so they both have sustenance.
But, the humiliation they face when their DIL is around is too much for any daughter to fathom. It is kind of she thinks she has bought them and owns them and blabers without even considering their age. That hurts me when I unfortunately happen to be around.

asuitablegirl said: ↑

They aren't just your parents, they are your bro's parents too. So for him to keep his distance from them, there must be a reason, else no child would do that just for the heck of it. If he felt it was just a clash of personality between his parents and his wife, he would probably still be in touch with you all. But he obviously saw something else going on that made him mad enough to confront you and stay away. Given how attached Indian men seem to be to their parents, I'm very surprised when an Indian guy maintains some distance from his parents and siblings... and I don't think that's a decision he would have taken lightly. I would bet he has a very good reason.
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Really, wish he was so matured enough to see the difference in personalities and not forget the help extended to him and his wife from his parents and sisters and to still be in good terms with us. But NO! unfortuantely we have a brother and they have a son who has been blinded by wealth and a wife ever ready to pick on his family and hold on !!!, I dont blame her entirely since my own brother has lost his mind and heart so why blame any other person?
She is a typical arrogant DIL with zero values in life.
That one liner should sum up who she is. And what to talk about weather, climate and kids with such a person who can twist and turn anything you do and say? She has done that in the past and hence I have lost all respect too. I mean, you will not have any ill-feeling even in the remotest corner of your brain but she will make a big issue even sometimes with the way you handed her something as silly as a spoon.
Infact SIL simply wished her husband's family vanishes into thin air as soon as the knot was tied.
And ASG, it is not that all Indian men are like you thought. There are some oppurtunists who take all the help and needed from their parents, sisters and brothers and as soon as the wifey arrives they wish these guys hide somewhere and appear only when needed. Such henpecked buggers you could ever imagine!!

ppriya182010 said: ↑

I wish my DH is like your brother, seriously. I don't want him to hate or fight with his parents, but atleast to be more considerate towards me.
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OH!NO!! Never wish that. Do you wish your dh abandon his parents? Would you wish that for your parents from your brother?
That is a deadly wish and you wouldn't want to carry the burden of that sin all your life to the next birth too.
In our case it is not that my brother is being considerate towards his wifey, it is that he is being a unworthy son and a valuless brother towards his people.
I dont know about your inlaws but as far as my parents are concerned I can say for sure my parents were good and yeah! I can say this for sure that such DILs dont deserve PILs like my parents.
Now, if I start listing out each and every act and incident this may run pages.

All this may sound like oh! well! she is bound to say that since it is her parents but dont take things for granted is all I can say back to you. There are real life, good PILs and devilish sons and DILs too..........likes of my bro and wife being top in the list.

SriVidya75 said: ↑

One thing you can do and which you are already planning to do is...STAY AWAY from people whom you dont like....I dont think no matter what you call her and whehter thats the truth or not, it doesnt make a difference to her or your brother right?
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STAY AWAY!....that is exactly what I am trying to do these days. I really dont feel like seeing them after all they have behaved with my parents not even considering their age.

SriVidya75 said: ↑

Also to top it, if you keep thinking these thoughts, it will spoil your own mind and inturn your parents would feel more hurt as they can see that their kids are in pain....atleast for their sake just brush aside all these feelings and even if they broach this topic, all you have to say is come on leave it...how does it matter whether she is nice or not.....be happy that god gave you a chance to stay away from such people....think of those who have to stay with such people day in and day out and bear all this....so be happy and do not spoil your sanity over this...
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Thanks for this! I try not to think and have sucessfully done so far but you see sometimes some thoughts crop up and spoil your mind and you feel like venting out. But, these days, my sister and me, we have decided we are not going to bring in their topic in between our conversation since it only hurt us more and left us feeling helpless for our parents.
Infact, whenver I meet my parents and this topic comes up, I try to divert their attention onto some other thing and cheer them up. I said look at the world, there are much worser things going on and be happy for what God gave you.
Though I say that but deep in my heart I feel hurt and angry for the betrayal that my brother showed towards his own parents.

Dhaanika said: ↑

daughters are a BIG emotional support, some times parents or IL's just need the time and a kind hearing pad... if nothing else, know that you can always be their sounding board and if you keep yourself happy, they will derive their happiness from you.
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Yeah, my sister and I are really big emotional support for parents and I thank God for giving us understanding husbands who support us in this.
Thanks for your wishes and prayers.

kAlyaniShAnti said: ↑

My own experience says there are siblings who will depend on the parents when they are in need, without caring whether their act is causing in trouble to the aged parents, at times do not even think twice to bad mouth and insult the parents. This is reality which happens, and it is unfortunate.
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This is exactly why I used the word "hate" toward my SIL ie., bro wife.
And word "valueless, unworthy son" towards my bro who supports all this behaviour from her.
Even at the age of 70+ my dad runs pillar to post if his son needs help and that son of his cannot even pay a visit or even give a mere phone call when dad was sick. And his wife's behaviour is such that it only boils your blood.
What do you call such people?

asuitablegirl · Jun 21, 2011

appears you have got a partial picture of the so-called Indian guys. Rather I would say this is a very generalised statement you have made. The reality is quite different. The population has even share of both the types, what you said and what OP mentioned.
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Well, I assumed that if the brother wanted nothing to do with his parents or sister and that if he didn't care about the relationships, he would not even have bothered to try and set things straight. OP said...

We would not have any ill-feelings even in the remotest corner of our mind but few days later brother will start questioning us on our intentions.
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So, it seems like the brother was trying to get the issues out in the open and figure out 'what happened' between his wife and parents. If he didn't care about keeping up relations with his parents, wouldn't he just have walked off and not even told them the reason? At least he tried to confront and give them a chance to explain. Obviously the things his parents and sister were telling his wife must have been pretty confusing, if a guy who has grown up with them cannot even figure out their meaning!

I think Sri has given the best advice, to just stay away from people you dont like. It's sad a sister has to face cutting contact with her brother, but it's probably for the best. In fact if you don't want to meet them ever again, you shouldn't have to.

Please share your side especially your relationship with your brothers wife.
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My observation is that sometimes people do/say extremely hurtful things and then make excuses for their bad behavior by saying "I've been misunderstood" or "misquoted" or "my words have been twisted". I think people should either be nice or mean. None of this inbetween stuff. I have heard people trying to sugar coat an insult so nobody will be able to come back later and call them out on being mean. 14 years is a long time to be married. Lot of people have that initial friction adjusting to new family/inlaws. But the fact that this animosity has gone on over a decade just makes me feel that it's more than adjusting issues. I dont know. I dont want to hurt the OP's feelings in case my assumptions are wrong. So, I just hope she finds inner peace and is able to live happily without her brother and sil's involvement.