Bro's wife issue . please suggest

Thanks YM.. Giving hypocrite advice is not my problem. Even I do the same, many times.

In my other thread, I just wanted to see through it.... the reason behind it...Specially when it comes to family problems as such.

Until recently, I was unaware of the possible other side. Had I been known the fact about prevalent insecurity in my MIL, I would have tried other ways to address this issue. I feel that I have lost half of my marriage life fighting with her for silly matters as such.

Possibly many other posters too may be facing the same problems. Instead of giving them tactics to face the present problem in hand, I would encourage the forum to find an alternate method.

For example, the grand parental favourism thread. I do have the same problem at home. My MIL treat her children differently, so would treat the grand children too differently when they come to the picture. I am fully aware of this.
But, I see that my mom too does the same. My aunt and other friends of my mother also do the same. Then it is not a typical MIL problem, but a general problem to address. That's why, I stopped worrying about it too much, but started cherishing my mother's affection for my kids' instead. I want posters to see both sides, instead of bashing MILs - though they are wrong.

I have learnt a lot from you YM.... You are sort of a role model to me now a days. I even argue with my own mom for things like this. With such healthy arguments, I feel I could learn a lot from other experienced women.

 

It is very difficult to replicate a mother's taste no matter what.It is not just a matter of effort or expertise...it is just the fact that it is cooked by one's mother that makes the food special.Besides ...even if you replicate the recipe exactly ...it is impossible to get the exact taste.I could never get the sambhar to taste like my neighbor from Kerala even though she measured the ingredients for me. Similarly she could never make her Rajma taste like mine.

If the mother wants to cook special food for son and dil.....it is her prerogative as long as it is not undermining the dil or getting her husband to cast a negative view of the dils cooking(which will be quite unique also).My husband loves his mom 's cooking...my children love my cooking better. It is natural.

As for the rest...the dils in general are so disadvantaged in India....that it is natural to get a sympathetic reaction in her favor.We are known as the country where even after extremely tough laws,daughter in law being burnt to death is a daily news in the middle sections of the paper. It doesn't even make the head lines unless the victim or killer is a known name.

Most people in India still live in Joint families or have experienced Joint families in some form. It is very safe to generalize that in JFs the position of the dil vis-a-vis the mil and the daughter of the home (sil) is very weak...hence the assumptions sometimes .

 

In my example the taste is not the issue, but the item. For example, certain curries we eat is not touched or not eaten by the maids. They are coming from a different background. Though they managed to cook them reasonably, it is not upto the accepted standards.

Both my brother and SIL love to eat those items, but end up ordering them from outside only. So, my mom's effort to cook for them during weekends is always welcomed by both. It is not a matter of kitchen politics, FYI as my mom stays with me only.

However, I quoted this as a sample, because other MILs too might have reasons, which needs explanations. But we often judge them for the act and for their title based on the general situation as you rightly described above. I totally agree.

 

SGBV...for most mil/mothers and later dils...the kitchen is no less than a battle field.It is like the power source that controls the mother ship(one time star trek junkie)...hence the politics and the heart burn associated with the control.

Kitchen is the Karmabhoomi(roughly -work station)for a lot of women who work at home.It is not taken lightly.:coffee

 

I think you just wanted to flaunt your money power and expected in return that she will be your slave. Sorry for being harsh.

 

my observation these days, present generation had different values and expectations than the generation 10 years ago.

Is your SIL works?If so, then if your brother is not doing household chores then she may also not do it and since your mother would take care of your brother chores and your mother expected to do take care of your SIL also.

These days, parents are raising both girl child and boy child equally and educating them equally. So girls are not raised to do household chores.If the husband chipped in then probably they will also do equally.

if some one get married and come to USA,I don't see any girl asking guests to want some water or offer something when we visit them. Things are completely changing. I don't know it's good or bad,it's just better to get used for the changing culture.

And there is change between our generation to our mother generation. We don't do much of household chores as our mothers used to do where they used to give water to husband and do everything for them.

 

i think i can see my sil in you. You remind me of my early years of marriage. Though both my ils and parental family belong to the same middle-class status, My sil, who earned well (i was a house wife at that time and mil used to regularly tell me that even if i work i won't possibly earn as much as my sil) used to give me, and dh/ils as well, costly gits on occasions. Honestly, i have never be the kind who can be won over with money. So, from my heart i can say that she did not buy my allegiance with them. if i respected her that was because she was my dh's sister whom he loved a lot and she was elder to me as well.

As far as my doing house hold work is concerned, i would also be found not doing any work and just sitting because my mil WON'T ALLOW me to. My mil was fiercely possessive of her kitchen and after 10years still now i have to fight my way to have the right to cook anything my way there. are you sure there is no such issue with your mom? i was so astonished to see that you think your sil was bad when she spoke sweetly to all and praised your mom. What is so wrong in doing that? OMG I used to praise my mil a lot too, and believe me they were all genuine ones. Had i known that even that can back fire like this, i would have stopped myself at that time only.

I don't know the language issue with your sil, excessive PDA or foul language infornt of elders can fall in the category of indecency at time. That is true. I just remembered my sil used to do some of them with her then boyfriend in front of everybody at home. She even used to lie down with him in the sofa with my fil standing right in front of them. I used to feel awkward as i din't see such things at my parental home. but as neither my mil/fil nor dh ever felt anything wrong with that, i too chose not to think about it in any negative way and never ever mentioned that in any way even to my dh. its her own life. She is free to live the way she wants. I am no one to pass judgement.

but i strongly condemn the hypocrite practice of greeting a dedicated husband with terms like henpecked and joru ka ghulam while a dedicated son/bro is showered with praises like adarsh bhai/beta, shravan Kumar etc. No wonder, the society thinks the the only door mat in a family who does not deserve any love and respect from any quarter at all, is the girl marrying their boy and getting stuck with his whole family for a life time.

 

Your are my sister in laws clone or what?:shaking:
This attitude is exact reason we are permanent enemy.

 

Hope you dont do the "Oye ! tera dimag to thik hai na?"

 

Op the most funny thing I found in your post is that my husband supports poor people a lot and I also thought I should give my family some gifts. All this just doesn't add up.