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Boring,aloof and miser dh

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by arshina, Feb 26, 2010.

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  1. Feb 26, 2010 #1
    arshina

    arshina New IL'ite

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    Hi ladies
    If anybody is having a boring husband.. whose thoughts dont match with yours and who is over cautious in everything and has made your life miserable can pour in your thoughts here.

    I am a house wife and in our community they dont allow girls to work.I am not here to complain about my dh,because he is basically a very good person and loves and cares for me a lot.nobody is blessed with everything in life,God has deprived us of something in life so that we should remember Him always.The only problem with my dh is that he never takes me out of the home though we stay in a metropolitan city.i am living as if i stay in some forest.Actually we are staying with our in-laws and that is the biggest problem,they are too strict and they dont allow us to go anywhere and even if we want to go,the formalities that has to be fulfilled like asking them,telling them where we are going and all that completely turns off our mood,so we opt to stay back.but what i want to tell is that my dh is not bold enough to tell openly to his parents that we want to go out,his relationship with his parents is like that of a boss and employer though my dh is completely independent.But now i have started feeling that my dh itself is not interested in going out anywhere,whenever he finds time he wants to relax at home.he never understands i need to breathe fresh air.We dint even go for honeymoon.

    I am a very fun loving and social person,i am adventurous and love exploring new things may it be food places or anything,i always dreamt of a dh who is like me but unfortunately he is totally opposite to me,he is just not interested in anything other than his office work.He is too diet consious and eats tasteless boring food and i am forced to eat the same

    The only time we are at a little ease is when i visit my parents home which is in another city.There i dont let him sit at home i just drag him and take him to places,but there also he keeps himself so serious as if by taking me out he is doing a favor on me and he wants to wind it up as soon as possible,that hurts me a lot.he gets me anything if i ask him to get but i really done feel like asking again and again.i wish he could get me things and take me out without me telling him but i dont think so it is possible in this lifetime.these things have made me depressed and i really dont feel like talking to my dh these days,i feel very lonely as all my dreams and desires are left unfulfilled.And also both of us are having fertility issues and we are childless yet,its been 3 years since our marriage.So basically my situation is that i dont have any kind of entertainment in life,no kids,boring dh,monster ils and a home that is not mine.so i atleast want to enjoy few things with him.how can i do it?

    Anybody with similar problem please pour in your thoughts here.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2010
    arshina, Feb 26, 2010
    arshina, Feb 26, 2010
    #1
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  2. Feb 26, 2010 #2
    Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    I understand your plight and hugs to you..Since no one replied I decided to put something in.

    All I can suggest is please try to convince husband that once a month you want to go out.Start small.Ask him to inform parents before hand about it.
    Easy way for him not to get bored is go to a movie and dinner ..that way you can get your choice of food.

    Try to make friends in society or with neighbors and try to have a small tea party every once 2-3 months. Involve mother in law with this..maybe tie it in with religious something..I know in India women had outlets like "haldi kumkum" or " udyapan" of some vrat that is used to socialize.

    Enjoy first few years and slowly try to convince hubby for a job.

    Everything cannot be achieved in a day...so start small.
    good Luck.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2010
    Foundlove, Feb 26, 2010
    Foundlove, Feb 26, 2010
    #2
  3. Feb 27, 2010 #3
    kiranavvari

    kiranavvari Gold IL'ite

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    Hi

    Even I used to feel like how you feel. But later I changed my thinking. Instead of bugging him to take me around, I started to build my own world. I used to try out some kind of emborideries, or paintings, and I got so involved that I stopped bugging him. He felt the difference, and started to think that I missed him, so he started give little attention. And, when I positively respond to his attention, everything seems to be happy.
     
    kiranavvari, Feb 27, 2010
    kiranavvari, Feb 27, 2010
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  4. Feb 27, 2010 #4
    arshina

    arshina New IL'ite

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    Thankyou for your response.
    foundlove,you are right i will start will small things.but in my mil case she is one kind of a person who can never gel with anybody in this world.Its all because of my fil,he never allows us even to talk to neighbours,my mil has spent her entire life in that way and now they are expecting the same thing from me.there are no occasions in this home,everyday is the same routine nobody goes out of that system.no birthdays no anniversaries nothing.even my wedding was so boring that they had not even decorated our room on first night.since they dont gel with anybody there was nobody to guide me during initial days of my marriage.nobody comes home because of their nature,i still dont know many people in their family yet.what you are telling is right but its not possible until my fil is alive.

    Kirana You have handled the situation in an excellent manner. :hatsoff to you.I will try it and see,hope it works.
     
    arshina, Feb 27, 2010
    arshina, Feb 27, 2010
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  5. Feb 27, 2010 #5
    ProReal

    ProReal Senior IL'ite

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    Like Kirana said create a life of your own..
    Go to the nearest library
    Read
    Blog
    Join some volunteering work
    Get a pet

    Once you have a life of your own, your husband will gravitate towards you and also you would be too busy to worry about the lack of a social life

    Good luck!
     
    ProReal, Feb 27, 2010
    ProReal, Feb 27, 2010
    #5
  6. Mar 1, 2010 #6
    ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Arshina,
    3 yrs of submission is more that enough to go by their terms. My DH has similar traits as yours.. its just that I got a chance to stay away from inlaws and was able to enjoy 2 yrs of married life.
    Instead of hoping your FIL to be dead, its better to start doing things of your choice.

    My FIL has similar rules and regulations to be imposed on anyone... however to his dismay his wife was totally ou of his control.. to impose any on the DIL... then the duo clubbed together against me.

    First develop certain hobbies like embroidery/ painting at home, they'll pass enuff dergogatory comments for this too... but turn a deaf ear... then slowly on basis of these hobbies try going out to classes or shopping, when they see you less, they'll behave a bit better.. also u'll have more reasons to pass this life, remain busy & gel with other people.
     
    ShilpaMa, Mar 1, 2010
    ShilpaMa, Mar 1, 2010
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  7. Mar 1, 2010 #7
    gayatri310

    gayatri310 New IL'ite

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    Hi

    Sorry to hear about your story,but I guess you can try to deviate from them.Since your MIL has gone thru the same situation make her talk atleast try to praise good things about her like good cooking or may be few good things she does at home and ask her about her early marriage days how things went on.You might find some clues how she dealt with her husband.

    basically your husband is not a bad , he has concern about you , gets everything whatever you ask for.Atleast you have a hope and a good beginning for your relation.

    Try hobbies, there are so many hobbies you can try.ask your MIL to teach you embroidery or knitting etc.If she doesnt know find a neighbour or a class for that.that can be a convincing answer for them to allow you to go out.

    Your husband is not used to social life so even if you take him forcibly after sometime it might turn into disaster slowly.so be cautious about it.dont push him too hard for it instead do something.Try starting a cooking blog in that way you can find a way to interact with your MIL and she can be a nice friend to you.

    Be positive dont lose hope.

    Thanks
     
    gayatri310, Mar 1, 2010
    gayatri310, Mar 1, 2010
    #7
  8. Mar 1, 2010 #8
    arshina

    arshina New IL'ite

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    Thankyou all for your valuable advice.... i will try to change the situation slowly.by the way is der no way i can make my dh mingle with people and make him social... i think after having kids he might change a little na... i have few hopes left.
     
    arshina, Mar 1, 2010
    arshina, Mar 1, 2010
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  9. Mar 1, 2010 #9
    rojarani

    rojarani New IL'ite

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    Arshina,

    When i saw ur post i wrote the answer which couldnt post.

    trust me u can put me in ur shoes...i'm totally in the deep loop after 6 years of marriage 1 5 year son, and 2 times abortion... and now 5 months pregnant... hoping i go to my parents house as soon as possible.

    1... my dh never takes me out only for hospitals
    2.... i have no fil, only mil who wants to control whole house which i left her(which she took ) even if someone comes and ring the bell i'm scared to go and see as my mil start scolding that i should take permission even for that.
    3... these days(past from 2 years) my dh and mil go out if antything is wnated...i got saree on ly for grihapravesham along with mil and sil which they selected for me as they went to buy clothes.... no birthdays, no anniversaries
    4.... i have no servant maid my mil doesnt like , i have to sweep mop the house 2 times a day, cooking more than 3 times, which should be very hot for her....
    5...earlier atleast my dh used to take me some where atleast temple....now a days no where
    6... i'm totally a slave to this house, i should not call to my parenst nor friends.... if my mil knows thats all she abuses and nagggs
    7... totally she is abused me with bad words I REALLY DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I'M HEARING AND DOING ALL THESE NONSENSE..
    8. my dh plays doublegames he sometimes as if he supports me and tells ignore his mother.
    9. i have no energy left further to bear all these things ..i want to go to my parents house as i'm carrying and dont want to come back atleast for a year... anyway i'm of no use in this house except for doing work , they miss me only for the working, and cooking.

    but i started avoiding my dh i feel all this is happening only becoz he agrees what his mother says...
    according to my situation I HAVE TO AVOID MY DH BY NOT TALKING TO HIM.
    he scares to send me anywhere he says that he misses my son and me very much...

    i dont understand any man who feels that , should not have treated me in this way...

    did u know how my situatiion is... so wakeup arshina...
    just the only person reason for this is ur dh....try to change ur way according to ur house situation...just if ur interested in hobbies go thru it, trust me its a big releifer.
    i do stitch embroidery to get rid of this tupid atmosphere..

    dont mistake me...that i wrote my situation, just try to get out of ur situation as soon as possible.... just talk less with all the family members till they realise u that something is disturbing u and then first explain ur dh when he asks... not to in laws....
    all the best,,,,
     
    rojarani, Mar 1, 2010
    rojarani, Mar 1, 2010
    #9
  10. Mar 1, 2010 #10
    Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Arshina,
    I had to post again as I remembered something to say...

    I think Rojarani's situation is abit extreme...sorry Roja..Goodluck to you and your unborn child..you will find a way out.

    I don't think you are in such dire situation..

    I think your husband is not social because he has never seen that in his house...moreover in India men are not allowed to socialize with women.So they are awkward. Try to understand that.

    Here is another suggestion.Tell Hubby you would like to celebrate his birthday ..He can invite his close friends/colleagues...Take MIL into confidence..she may love to cook good dishes for son..You can add in few of your own..Bake a cake...and Have a party.

    Now whoever came will have to invite you too...so that will be a start...

    Good Luck.
     
    Foundlove, Mar 1, 2010
    Foundlove, Mar 1, 2010
    #10
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