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Blind Faith

Discussion in 'Stories (Fiction)' started by umaakumar, Nov 10, 2021.

  1. umaakumar

    umaakumar Finest Post Winner

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    FAITH

    I am sitting here in the evening watching my TV turned on to an Indian channel, where the news is unravelling. I am watching this with rapt attention and a deep sorrow that I am unable to explain. I choke with emotion and tears. It is because of this one man that I am here in the USA with not many to call close. I am glad this country embraced me at my time of need and gave me freedom to be myself. No one to advise or judge me. Before you wonder what this is all about, let me tell you my story and why I have so many emotions while watching this news.

    My name is Deepa Sri. Sri was not my birth name. It was just Deepa meaning light. Sri was added to my name later on. I will start this when I am 7 years old. Before that things are just not too clear.

    I was just a bubbly and cheerful 7 year old. I went to school, studied well and my teachers loved me. I was the apple of my parents eye. By Indian standards we were upper middle class. My parents were both highly educated and my mom worked for a MNC. My father worked for a financial consulting firm and later started one on his own. Our house was a five bedroom house with a sprawling garden. I lacked nothing and everything that a 7 year old desired was there.

    I had a brother who was 4 years older than me. He was like me, a very good student at school and everyone called him brilliant.

    Talking of extracurricular activities, my brother Dinesh and I went for music classes twice a week. Dinesh learnt the guitar. He wanted to play for a band sometime. I learnt the keyboard. Dinesh went for cricket coaching and I went to music and dance class. The dance class was the one I hated most. I learnt painting and drawing too. My mom said I was very talented.

    Our life moved on like any household. But on Thursday, the routine was different. My mom would pick us up from school and drive us for 45 minutes to an ashram., The ashram was on a sprawling 4 acre land covered with lush greenery.There were a lot of mangoes, sapotas, guavas and some orange trees there.There was a flower garden with marigolds, jasmines, lilies etc.They gave out a blissful fragrance when we walked past them.As we entered the ashram, both sides of the pathway were covered with rose plants and the roses were in many hues and colours.

    We were forbidden to pluck any flowers. We were told that if we did, the swamy would come and hurt our hands. Aswe started growing up we understood this was just to scare the kids. But why would they use the swamiji that they trusted so much to hurt the little hands I wonder.

    These flowers were taken for making garlands for the deity in the temple and for the swamiji.

    On reaching the ashram we were rushed into the dressing room where my mom changed me into a pastel green long skirt. I did not like this as it obstructed my free movement. I sometimes begged my Mom to get me a sherwani like Dinesh and she just laughed. She put a gold chain on me and some bangles. I was not the only one in this predicament, there were many girls in my age group, with whom I played and giggled.

    Next we were given our snacks and off we ran to the front of the ashram where Durga Sri was waiting for us. Durga Sri was our teacher in the ashram.

    Now you must be wondering what this ashram is all about. It is called the Santosh Ashram. The swamiji is called Santosh swami. For my small mind and age, he looked scary. He had good muscles and a six pack. I knew these names later on as I was growing up. He wore gold ornaments on his hands and a large gold anklet on his leg. He wore a hair pin of gold and studded with diamonds on his head. He wore many thick gold chains on his neck. His jewellery changed week to week.

    The girls of my age group i.e 7 year olds, were the responsibility of Durga Sri. She was the mother of Tulsi Sri who was one year older to me. We were good friends. We made a semicircle around her, folded our hands and recited a sloka. This sloka was dedicated to swamiji. It was compulsory for us to recite this at the start of everything. Then she would teach us some songs, and teach us some games or tell us some stories. At 5 o'clock we would all be asked to line up at the gate. The girls on one side and the boys on the other. We will be given a plate full of flowers. Like clockwork at 5.15 a pastel green colour BMW will appear. Out wil run Swapnil Sri. He will open the car door and out will step Santosh swami. Swapnil sri will be the first one to fall on his feet. Once he gets up the swami will walk slowly step by step inside. We children on either side will sprinkle flowers on the pastel green carpet as he walks in. We will walk behind him and the speakers will be chanting om kara mantra all along. Some people in the group will pick up the flowers that the swamiji trod on and put it in their purses for good luck. My parents were one among them.

    The swamiji would walk to the temple first. He would garland the deity. Pray for sometime. He would do the aarti amidst the ringing of the bell. Then he would walk to the big darshan hall.

    The adults would follow him. The children would be ushered into the classroom where we were taught many new slokas. This is where I learnt most of the slokas and by age 16 could recite (sing) the lalitha sahasranamam and soundarya lahiri by heart.

    While we were doing this the adults would listen to the sermon by the swamiji. After this he would answer questions (mostly personal). In this way the swami knew everyone personally and their personal life in detail. He would advise them as to how to overcome the problem and most of the adults would do as he said. Sometimes if any teenage children did not listen to their parents, they would inform the swamiji and they would be summoned in from of him and he would advise them to listen to elders.

    After this we reunited with our parents and the aarti was taken for the swamiji. The dinner was served. This was cooked by volunteers. The swamiji would sit and eat with us all.

    The swamiji would then bid goodbye and leave in his pastel green BMW.

    My parents would gossip with their friends for some time and by the time we reached home, Dinesh and I would be asleep.

    My parents treated Swamiji like he was God. They had immense faith in him. When my father had quit his job and was feeling very low, a friend of his suggested we go with him and visit the swamiji. He said my dad's life would change forever if he met him. So my Dad went with his friend. His friend had given the sprawling 4 acres of land to the swamiji to build his ashram. So he was a favourite of the swamiji. The friend fell on the swamijis feet and explained to the swamiji about my dad’s situation. The swamiji closed his eyes and meditated for a while, then he put his hands in his pocket and brought out a bundle of Rs. 10000/-. He gave it to my dad and said “you will be very successful in whatever you do. Do what your heart tells you”. My dad was elated and all the doubts he had vanished. He gave the house documents to the bank as collateral and started his business and was very successful. This incident made my parents have unflinching faith in the swamiji. As wealth grew they donated a lot to the ashram.

    The faith in the swamiji was so much that they did not do anything without consulting the swamiji. During exams we left early to fall on the feet of the swamiji to get his blessings. If my dad had an important client meet, he would go to the ashram first. Thus was their faith. Most of the decisions taken by my Dad were dictated by the swamiji. Sometimes the swamiji would also give financial advice to my dad.

    If we got good scores in the exam, my parents attributed it to the swamiji blessings. When I reached middle school and Dinesh was in high school we thought it was our hard work. But my parents never agreed.

    You can now imagine what an important role that swamiji played in our life. The strength in the ashram started to grow and the swamiji was getting very popular. Many prayer centres were opened in his name. You could say they were franchises. A percentage of the profits from these prayer centre had to be given to the ashram as royalty. There were many international visitors.

    My parents too bought a small property near our house and built a prayer hall. It had a big photo of the swamiji. There were various activities in this prayer hall. It had free yoga classes starting from 5 AM to 6 AM. Our family attended this regularly. From 7 to 7.30 Am there were meditation classes and mostly senior citizens attended. After this my Mother had introduced a very noble scheme. There was a slum close by and in any family that had children below 10 years, this child was given a card. It was a card which had a calendar. This child was given a free breakfast with a glass of milk. The card would be punched for attendance. This was the activity that I loved most and actively participated in. I loved to interact with the children and loved their grateful look.

    Later as I grew older I organised many more children oriented activities in this prayer hall, like free tuitions, painting and drawing competitions, music and dance competitions. I organised a personality development workshop during holidays.

    It is during this time that Dinesh and I started questioning the role of the swamiji. My mom hated these discussions and will say it is a sin to talk ill about the God man. When we questioned our Dad and said “Is it not because of your hard work that the business grew”. My dad would say “it is because of the Swamijis blessings and then my hard work”. Most times I would leave the room feeling disgusted and mouth bad words inside my head.

    I remember vaguely when I had stomach pain and the doctor said I had to undergo an appendix operation, my dad first rushed to the swamiji with the news. Only after that he agreed to the operation. He brought a sugar candy given by the swamiji and put a small piece in my mouth before the surgery. What if the swamiji had said no to the operation, probably I would have died.

    When it was college admission, the swamiji decided which college we should go to. In some of my friends' cases the swamiji decided which course they should take. Dinesh and I dreaded the idea of the swamiji when it came to admission. Thank God he did not tell us what course to take.

    At this point I should point out that our friend (much senior to us ) Satish wanted to do cinematography in the film institute. The swamiji wanted him to do B.Com. Our friend got admission to do B.Com with his parents' blessings. But he secretly enrolled in cinematography and attended college. Only on completion of the course did he tell them what he had done. This was a hot topic of discussion in the Ashram.

    After high school Dinesh and my time at the ashram started to dwindle. Studies took the first place. My parents never stopped going to the ashram. The matter of discussion at most times used to be swamiji.

    Dinesh completed his education and got a job in Bangalore. My parents bought him an apartment and told him to pay EMI, rather than rent. Dinesh thrived in his job. I visited him whenever time permitted and enjoyed the independence this gave me.

    By this time I lost interest in the ashram. I did not like the swamiji. Most times I thought he was taking undue advantage of people, including my parents.

    My parents kept telling me that I should devote more time to the ashram. I will not say i never went there, i did go but not frequently. I went more not because of devotion, but more to meet my friends. We would gather there and leave to meet again at some cinema complex, watch a movie and hang around. The ashram was just an excuse for our outing.

    Now that Dinesh had a job and was settling, my parents wanted to get him married. The discussions began. When Dinesh came for the weekend, my dad told him, we will go to the ashram and get the swamijis blessings before we proceed further. So off we went. We fell on the Godman's feet. Then my dad explained that we are planning to start looking for a bride for Dinesh. Swamiji closed his eyes for a moment. Then he told us all not to worry. He will look for someone and arrange it. He told Dinesh you need to come only for tying the knot. Dinesh did not like the idea and he started to say “Guruji i want to see the girl before and if i like her........”. My dad fell on the swamijis feet and said “sorry please forgive me, he is young and does not know what he is saying”. Before my dad could get up, Dinesh was out waiting in the car. My dad and mom gave him a piece of their mind. They said we need to trust. Swamiji will do only what is best for us. My parents said “You have to have faith”. They also added that it was wrong on his part to have said he wanted to see the girl etc. Dinesh said ‘I am getting married and I have ideas about how I want my wife to be” The aruguesments went on and on. I supported Dinesh all along.

    The day Dinesh went back. He opened a profile in a matrimonial website, met the girl of his choice. He told her parents that his parents might not agree and they should be prepared for it. When he came the next weekend and told my parents they were shocked. My Mom said, "it is OK, what is done is done, we will go and get the swamijis blessings". Off we went to the ashram. My dad explained what Dinesh had done. The swamiji just looked at Dinesh for a few seconds and silently walked off.

    My parents were really upset. They said the swamiji had not given his blessing and Dinesh must not get married to this girl. If he does it will be his ruin. However Dinesh tried to make them understand, they were adamant and Dinesh left saying he will get married only to this girl. He begged my parents to be rational and to accept the girl. But my parents kept saying it was against Swamiji's wishes and if he went ahead, he would not be happy. Dinesh left saying “If your faith is more important than my life, go ahead, I am marrying this girl and it is final”. My parents swore to disown him.

    Dinesh got married. I secretly attended the wedding. I constantly kept in touch with my sister in law. She was just right for Dinesh. Later They had 2 lovely children and moved to Canada.

    After this my parents started monitoring my activities. Not that I did anything wrong, but they were anxious. I was in a good job and had no time for anything else.

    One day my parents asked me to go with them to the ashram. I thought it was a regular visit and tagged along. After the usual falling on the swamijis feet, my dad told the swamiji that they are planning to get me married and they are going to start looking for a boy. I thought “Whhhaaat..., “. I never knew they had plans like that. I was so surprised and shocked. As usual, the swamiji closed his eyes for a minute, then started to walk towards the temple. We followed him, me in a complete daze. In the temple they had dropboxes for matrimonial bio data and horoscopes. One for brides and one for bridegrooms. The swamiji put his hand into the one for the bridegroom and picked up one cover. He gave it to my Dad and smiled. My parents were beaming with happiness. They had their son inlaw. My future was sealed in that envelope. I ran to the car and started sobbing. My friends saw this and tried to console me. They were as shocked as me. They said, “Who knows it could be the man of your dreams, wait till the cover is opened”. When my parents came back I argued with them and said, it is foolishness. But they once again ascertained that the swamiji would do nothing wrong. I argued with them all the way home. I told them what Dinesh did was right. I told them I should run away too. They said they would not do anything that would harm me. I said in case I did not like the proposal in the cover, if they are willing to let go. They said “No”, the swamiji would be upset and he would do what is best for me.

    All the way I was messaging Dinesh with the news. Dinesh kept telling me to leave home. Not to fall into the trap.

    On reaching home, my dad took the cover and kept it in the pooja room and said a prayer. He came and opened the cover. The photo of my future husband fell down. He was very ordinary looking, wore glasses and had a receding hairline. I screamed and wept and said I would never marry a person who looked like that. I ran to my room and packed my bags. Dinesh told me not to forget my certificates and passport. I came down and my Mom looked at me and said, if i leave then both of them would commit suicide. They said one son leaving them was too much, and if their daughter did the same, it was the end of them. They threatened me emotionally that I went back to my room. Dinesh said my parents were emotionally blackmailing me and nothing would happen to them if I left. He said it was my life and no one had any rights over it. He said I was a fool to believe them and told me to keep my documents in the office, and tell him when I am ready and he would send me a ticket. I never asked for the ticket.

    In the subsequent weeks my parents visited Rakesh’s house. That was his name. His father was a government employee. They owned a single bedroom flat. They had 3 children and Rakesh was the eldest. His two younger sisters were in college. Rakesh was doing his Phd in Australia. They were an ordinary middle class family. When my parents told me, I said I don't want such a home. “Where will I sleep, it will be too crammed etc”. My parents told me “You are going to stay there for a short while, you are going to australia, why worry”

    The wedding was a grand affair. The swamiji came personally and stayed till the muhurtam was over. My parents decked me with jewellery. They wanted to buy a car for Rakesh, but Rakesh wanted cash. I later learn this was saved up to get his sisters married.

    Rakesh was not a romantic person. He said his thesis was more important at the moment. He got married because his parents compelled him. He said they had no idea about any ashram or swamiji. Their friend dropped off the cover at the ashram. He said their family believes more in God than God man. He said they saw the swamiji for the first time at our wedding. There was no romance, nor a honeymoon. He mostly kept to himself and did everything that formality dictated. I was most embarrassed and uncomfortable in their house. I tried to stay normal. Rakesh was not the person whom I would have selected if given a choice. He was introverted and always nodded his head to his Mother.

    After 10 days Rakesh left,promising to send me a spouse visa. My Mother in law called me aside and told me I could go back to my house, as I would be more comfortable there. I gladly agreed. I told my mother what kind of person Rakesh was and she said it was the swamijis blessing and probably he was stressed with the wedding and he definitely will be a better person when I go there. She even took me to the Swamiji and explained my doubt and Swamiji said everything would be fine. I visited my in-laws every weekend.

    I left for my husband's land 6 months later. I went with dreams thinking Rakesh would be a different person there. Rakesh lived in a single bedroom apartment. It was very small. He spent most of his time at his college and also worked. He was very frugal in spending and sent most of his earnings to his mother. It was here that I learnt that his father was alcoholic and did not give a penny home. That was the reason for his mother to send me back to my home after Rakesh left. I did not like the stinginess of Rakesh and did not like to ask him for money for all my expenses. If I asked even small things, he would cringe and I did not like the look on his face. He did not talk much and if I showed interest in anything he did, he would just turn away. He never liked the programs I watched on TV. He did not introduce me to any of his friends and did not socialise much. I tried to get a job. Dinesh sent me a ticket to visit him in Canada and I went for a short visit.

    I finally got a job and made friends and started moving around a bit. I could buy things that I desired. Though Rakesh thought I was extravagant. I also enrolled for further studies and completed my course.

    Rakesh finished his Phd and got his doctorate. He got a better job in a research lab. He was elated. I wanted to move to a bigger apartment, but he did not agree. He continued to send most of his earnings to his mom. I delivered my first child. My parents were busy with the Ashram and did not come to help me. I did not want to go there for delivery. During this time it felt like Rakesh never existed. He never helped in any way. He never took his paternity leave though I begged him to.

    In the following years both his sisters were married. Rakesh told me to give my gold to them. I did not want to. But he said, since I belonged to their house, everything I own belongs to them too. He said if I did not help, his sisters would have to remain spinsters for the rest of their life. My mother too did not interfere and said it is between me and my husband, though she mentioned that it was the swamijis will and everything will be ok.

    Once his sisters were married, I told his Mom that we will not be sending money like always. I said we will send money only for her expenses. Rakesh hated me for that and kept saying what I was doing was wrong. But I told him that we have to live for ourselves now. We moved to a bigger house.

    I had a second child. This time I quit my job. I told Rakesh he needed to spend more time and help me out. Taking care of a newborn was going to be difficult with a 4 year old. He did help out at this time. It was when my daughter was a year old that my Mother in law came for a 3 month stay. She was most helpful and I learnt a lot of time saving hacks from her. She taught me a lot of simple recipes that saved time and were tasty. I told her to visit frequently and she said she will try as it is a big tension to leave her husband behind.

    Then Rakesh got a job in the USA. He was very happy and excited. It was a dream job for him. We moved.

    The initial adjustment was tough. I applied for jobs, because I did not want to be out of work for too long. I also wanted to be out of the house for sometime, otherwise I would go mad. I got a job for 5 hours 4 days a week. Rakesh never helped me in anything. After our second child was born, we started to sleep in different bedrooms. Our daily interaction was very less. He would mostly drop off the kids in day care and the rest of the responsibility was mine. I shuffled work and home.

    About 2 years later, we were getting more comfortable in this new country. Rakesh again started spending more time in his office. He would come home very late and sleep late into the morning. I would hear him letting himself in and I knew he was there, the children's responsibility was totally mine. If I said anything he would snap back. He would bad mouth me. He would blame me for what his life is now. I never knew what I did. There was a lot of tension in the air when he was around. The children would mostly sit in their room and play. I too stopped talking as it was like triggering a volcano of bad words. I did not want my children to hear these words and more than anything I wanted peace.

    The only person to whom I discussed what I underwent was Dinesh. But there was nothing much he could do. My parents were in a different league altogether and were delusional. Once or twice when I mentioned my plight, they asked me to come to India and seek the blessings of the swamiji and things would settle down. They never understood what I was undergoing.

    I was so tired by the end of the day, that I would sleep soundly. It was now that I realised that Rakesh never came home during weekdays. He would come late at night on Friday and stay the weekend. When questioned he always said he was a busy person and the office had a bed to sleep on. We did grocery shopping together, took the children for their activities together, that is only on the weekends. During these times too, he was distant and most times never involved himself in acy activity. He showed disinterest in anything that me or the children had to say.

    Slowly when the weekend came, he would sleep late and get up late and say he was going out to meet someone. He had a get together with a friend, he had to go out for a lunch meeting. He would return only late in the night. Never venture out of the house on Sunday and the routine started on Monday. Many times I questioned him. But in the end it was me who was to blame. I was too engrossed in my work, he said. He said he was a busy man and had no time for family. But most times I would hear the worst language and retire to my room for peace.

    My Son was now getting into his teens and he understood what was going on. It was Halloween and we had to go to the pumpkin patch, Not that we really wanted to go, but we needed to decorate the house. Off we went. As we were looking around, I saw Rakesh. He was with another woman who was pregnant. They had 2 other children with them. I went and patted him, he turned around and his face changed dramatically. I introduced myself to the other woman. She said she thought we had separated. The divorce proceedings were on is what he had told her. The child she was carrying was his. I came home and wept. Rakesh followed me and said that was the end. He was not happy with me. He said he did not like me from day 1 and lived with me just for his parents sake. It really broke my heart. If he had expressed his feelings we could have parted before the 2 children. But then he needed the social status for getting his sisters married.

    I called my parents. They were not sympathetic. They said things would get better and they would discuss this with the swamiji. I said it is because of him that I am suffering. They said it could have been worse if I had married someone else. I banged down the phone.

    My mother in law on the other hand cited me as a bad wife, and that was the reason her son had gone to another woman. She said she knew this other woman for about 2 years. I said she could have told me. But there was no reply.

    I separated from Rakesh. My children were older and capable of taking care of themselves. Dinesh helped me a lot mentally and financially. Luckily I got a full time job. I educated my children. Both of them left home and my son is now a doctor. My daughter is studying to be a teacher.

    My Dad is old now and has dementia. My Mom stays in the dementia centre with him. As per the swamijis advise our house and the prayer centre was given to the ashram. It is now being used as a guest house. The ashram gives my parents the monthly rent for the centre they live in.

    I sold my house and moved to a condo. This is where I am now watching this swamiji being arrested.

    You can imagine the emotions I had on this man. I got married and lived a loveless life. I am glad I could keep my children with me and my only happiness is that they grew up to be wonderful adults.

    There are a lot of accusations piling up on the swamiji as the TV is repeatedly showing him being taken for questioning.

    I wish my Dad was in his proper senses to see this .

    My fingers itch to call my Mom, and I ask her if she heard the news. She says some evil person has framed him and this person will rot in hell. Swamiji cannot do anything wrong. She then started crying.

    I could not imagine that someone could have so much faith. Should I call my parents fanatics I wonder
     
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  2. meepre

    meepre Gold IL'ite

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    Very apt title. Some people have very blind faith mainly on God man. I have a great belief in God, but I could never get faith on God mans. Saying God man why need money, property etc
     
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    The parents fell victim to a cult.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Well done, Uma. You have followed up Sarasu's story with an equally captivating narration here. I finished reading it at one shot. Luckily I was not on my cell phone. : )

    Interesting to see the title is "Blind Faith" but it says FAITH at the start of the story.

    The powerful start of "watching news on an Indian channel" and then the switch to the seven year old -- neat.

    The description of the childhood house, the ashram, the swamy, his physical appearance, how he arrived in a BMW, the aarti ... everything is described so well while using limited words.

    Felt a little bad to read that Deepa doesn't take up Dinesh's offer of help. The way he reminds her to get the certificates and to keep them in the office - this was so realistic and yet it doesn't help her. Amazing what emotional blackmail can accomplish, especially from parents.

    It happens all too often. Parents are too old to answer any questions the child may want to ask.

    I am half wondering if the overall plot is based on a true story, but don't really want to know. It is just too sad how much pain blind belief can cause. Pain that spans generations.
     
  5. umaakumar

    umaakumar Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Meepre,
    I too believe only in God.
    Most of the Godman I have seen are always very rich. Have a big following. Show off their riches.
    Regards
    Uma
     
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  6. umaakumar

    umaakumar Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Rihana,
    Thank you for your feedback.
    Emotional blackmail is something I have seen with so many parents. This happens mostly in love marriages. It is worst if it is intercaste. I always wonder why they behave like this.
    The story is not based on anyone. But I have seen this kind of blind faith in some people, which made me write this.
    Thanks again for your feedback
    Regards
    Uma
     

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