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BIL's words hurts DH?? How do I help dh???

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Sunny3, Feb 22, 2010.

  1. Sunny3

    Sunny3 New IL'ite

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    My dh has an elder brother. BIL is in the US since almost 18yrs now. He has left home for studies and job etc when he was 17yrs.
    My husband has been with his parents till he married me ie., at his age of 28yrs.

    BIL is more qualified academically than dh. Though we do not depend on them for anything but still BIL and cosister look down upon us because of our academics being lower than them. It is not that we are not educated enough, it is only lesser than them. Anytime we have any discussion, when dh tries to put forth his thoughts BIL snubs him by saying something like "I know why you think like that". He even said openly that dh's thinking is inferior to his.
    I mean it is hard to keep your cool when someone just wants you to be only a listener to what he says and not open your mouth. I stopped getting into any serious discussions but dh cannot stop himself. Each time BIL says something like the above he starts feeling bad.

    Even last night BIL called at 10pm and dh was just about to get into bed. They talked at length about an uncle of theirs who was sick. BIL says he tried to talk to aunt but she did not talk much to him. DH said she talked for a long time to him when he called couple of days back. To this BIL said, yeah since I left home at 17yrs and worked on building my career so I did not keep good contact with relatives and since you were with parents for long time so in fact have good relationship with relatives which according to me is useless because you wasted lot of your time not exploring outside oppurtunities.

    Our current situation is we are well settled in life so if dh was not smart enough as BIL thinks then could we be living like this? Dh does not understand this no matter how much I try explaining him. He does not ignore the calls how much ever I tell him to do so neither talk back to him bluntly.
    Each time BIL calls I start to worry how dh will be affected by all this? Even cosister talks like that but I have learned to ignore but dh hasn't and I know can never develop thick skin for all this. I mean it kind of affect his self-esteem too.

    Dh is not that calculative monetarily like BIL. He is kind of person who likes spending sometimes to satisfy his emotions too. But all this has never crossed limits as I know the whole expenses too and keep a tab on it.
    For e.g. dh sent some money to a distant relative as soon as he came to know that his daughter is getting married because dh knows that relative is economically lower middle class. No body not even PILs told him to do so. Even the relative did not ask dh. He just felt like helping and he called up and expressed his happiness over the wedding and informed them that he will be sending some money. That relative of his got so emotional, he cried over phone and thanked dh. That relative told all others how affectionate and loving dh is. BIL came to know of this.

    To all this BIL says dh is acting foolish. Also, he says dh is trying to impress relatives which is stupidity. BIL's words are so blunt.....it hurts a lot no matter how thick skinned you are.

    Can you advise us here???
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
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  2. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    You cannot live your life for other people around you, be it friends or family and nor can you strive to live up to their standards and it is a pointless and futile exercise. There is always going to be someone who will find fault or nitpick your way of life so the best thing is to ignore them and live life as you see fit and what pleases you and makes you happy. As long as you are happy as a couple, do not let people around you fluster or perturb you and carry on life which best suits you. Do not let people around you run your life according to their standards. Just listen to them, take the salient points and ignore the rest. That is my personal take on this.
     
  3. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    Sunny,
    "Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy" (words of Christ).

    Be cheerful. God is pleased with you guys. That is what matters the most. So why care about mortals like BIL now. Get ready and open up the roof of your house cos God is going to pour down His blessings on you guys.... blessings not necessarily money alone. ...everything. :thumbsup


    "Give and it shall be given unto you" (words of Christ).

    Your Dh gives love and money to others in need even before they ask him. So he will receive it back multiple folds in an appropriate God appointed time.

    "He who gives to the poor, lends to God" (words from bible).

    God will not be a debtor to man. What we lend to Him, He will repay and one day your BIL will see it.


    Remind yourself of this whenever you feel sad because of their words.


    If you are worried about DH's self esteem getting affected by BILs words, you start to praise DH and point out all of his good qualities when you are alone with him, with friends and particularly when you speak on the phone with BIL and DHs family.

    God bless you guys.
     
  4. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Sunny,

    Unfortunately we can't always fight our husband's battles. All you can do is tell your dh not to give so much importance to his brother's words and to just blow them off. If you see his self esteem dropping after a conversation with his bro, build him back up again. If this happens a lot or you see your dh is really starting to get depressed over their words, you might suggest that he limit contact with them since all they ever do is "bring us down". Good luck!
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Sunny,

    You cannot do much about this. Your DH should himself feel bothered enough to want to do something about it. If you see him feeling bad about it or if he expresses feelings of sadness about it to you, you can avoid being too sympathetic and gently tell him that no one can put us down or illtreat us unless we allow them to do so. Above all, do not agree to assign any blame for your DH's feelings of sadness to BIL or his wife because BIL & his wife's words or actions are not under your DH's control, but his reaction definitely is.

    Most probably, it is bothering you more than it is bothering your DH. Blood is thicker than water. Your PIL's and other extended family is most likely very aware of the differences in the two brothers' natures.

    -Rihana
     
  6. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    From what I see in my own family, elder brothers feel entitled to more respect etc etc from younger ones. Thankfully even though my MIL does more than her share to feed my BIL's ego, he does not go to these extremes. But there used to regular putting down of any action taken by me or DH. More than my BIL it is my cosis who puts us down more. Same stuff, BIL is more intelligent, more capable than DH and DH should always listen to the advice given by him. In our case, the entire family used to put us down and also infront of my DH's friends and their families also, this especially by my MIL. Imagine my plight.

    The key is not to let them fluster you. Listen to them calmly and just switch off their conversations from mind. I feel that your BIL is just insecure that your DH seems to be more popular than him. Otherwise where is the need for such a lengthy explanation? For your own mental peace, it is better to ignore their comments and not to discuss about them. That itself is giving more importance to such comments than they deserve. If your husband feels bad, tell him people have different perspectives in life and it is better to do what one thinks right as long as it is reasonable for both of you. Once they see that their comments do not make much impact on you, they will slowly stop making them.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010

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