BIL grabbing In-laws to help his wife from us.

maya69 · Sep 26, 2014

Hi OP,

I didnt have chance to read other replies here.

I really dont think you can stop your inlaws if they want to to go. Very good of them really to go and do so much at bils house.

Whether your inlaws are overworked or not there might not make a difference at all. Take my case..inlaws has lived with me for many yrs (and now my mom too). I went back to work when younger started KG and rely on them for picking up kids from school which my fil did faithfully. they take care of garbage, light groceries, some meals with out me asking. I dont make them breaksfast or lunch and even dinner if I am busy with dd's dance class or homework nowadays. My inlaws would love it if someone would wait on them like in india. But I encourage no such thing. And despite all the hardships and self sufficiency I put on them, my inlaws prefer to be at my house. Here I am itching to get a break from parents (inlaws and my mom) for a few days by giving them house work, the more everyone is sticking to me! Arrgh!

My bil on the other hand (calls regularly asking them when they are coming) and will wait on them and cater to their whims at his place from breakfast to dinner and my co-sis is a housewife too but still they prefer to be at my place. So something is definitely not right in that household.

Anyway dont worry, nothing is static in life, things change... your bils kids are older and soon wont need such care and your inlaws will be all yours.

Reesha · Sep 26, 2014

thx. hope for it

maya69 said: ↑

Hi OP,

I didnt have chance to read other replies here.

I really dont think you can stop your inlaws if they want to to go. Very good of them really to go and do so much at bils house.

Whether your inlaws are overworked or not there might not make a difference at all. Take my case..inlaws has lived with me for many yrs (and now my mom too). I went back to work when younger started KG and rely on them for picking up kids from school which my fil did faithfully. they take care of garbage, light groceries, some meals with out me asking. I dont make them breaksfast or lunch and even dinner if I am busy with dd's dance class or homework nowadays. My inlaws would love it if someone would wait on them like in india. But I encourage no such thing. And despite all the hardships and self sufficiency I put on them, my inlaws prefer to be at my house. Here I am itching to get a break from parents (inlaws and my mom) for a few days by giving them house work, the more everyone is sticking to me! Arrgh!

My bil on the other hand (calls regularly asking them when they are coming) and will wait on them and cater to their whims at his place from breakfast to dinner and my co-sis is a housewife too but still they prefer to be at my place. So something is definitely not right in that household.

Anyway dont worry, nothing is static in life, things change... your bils kids are older and soon wont need such care and your inlaws will be all yours.
Click to expand...

beingloved · Sep 26, 2014

Why to treat In-laws as just "care-takers" for kids and "supervisors" for cook and maid? You'd mentioned the amount/ time you'd spent while your ILs were ill.. Is it worth mentioning?

I guess the negative frame of mind of your ILs you'd quoted in your post comes from the opportunistic behavior of both their DILs to have them to take care of their kids. Why not treat them as humans and relieve them of any duties?

And please don't mention its their last stage of life.. No one can guess that, except God, right?

Joyoflife · Sep 26, 2014

beingloved said: ↑

Why to treat In-laws as just "care-takers" for kids and "supervisors" for cook and maid? You'd mentioned the amount/ time you'd spent while your ILs were ill.. Is it worth mentioning?

I guess the negative frame of mind of your ILs you'd quoted in your post comes from the opportunistic behavior of both their DILs to have them to take care of their kids. Why not treat them as humans and relieve them of any duties?

And please don't mention its their last stage of life.. No one can guess that, except God, right?
Click to expand...

couldn't agree more.

Reesha · Sep 26, 2014

beingloved said: ↑

Why to treat In-laws as just "care-takers" for kids and "supervisors" for cook and maid? You'd mentioned the amount/ time you'd spent while your ILs were ill.. Is it worth mentioning?

I guess the negative frame of mind of your ILs you'd quoted in your post comes from the opportunistic behavior of both their DILs to have them to take care of their kids. Why not treat them as humans and relieve them of any duties?

And please don't mention its their last stage of life.. No one can guess that, except God, right?
Click to expand...

dont think bad. as a new & wise DIL at first i also gave very much importance to them as human beings. i felt that they are human beings & having their own mind with them. actually i did lot of service to them with honest soul & clear mind for first 1.5 year. i had fight with co-sis because of them only. even i didn't touch my parents feet until now. but with out pressure & demanding heartfully i touched inlaws feets for several time like on occasion of birthdays, marriage days so on.. that much respect i gave to them. but while i am pregnant my co-sis is making my MIL to be cry before of me & that too just with reason about my lunch items. so i had argue with co-sis for MIL only because i had love on MIL by that time. but suddenly MIL turned around & saying it is crying is common factor for her which she didn't do in my home for any cause. i shocked with that reply. after lot of discussions happened & my MIL demands me like "if you really respect us, say SORRY to co-sis" & as well as my FIL praised co-sis status level & they are very down level people to have relation with co-sis family like that...before of me. just think, what about me...aren't hey insult my status level by praising her in front of me?

see, my good nature & heavy respect levels on In laws gave abusement as gift during pregnancy days & they have levity feeling on me because i am listening their orders & not earning like co-sis. They cheated me & my DH so lost my trusting levels. but they have fear to oppose co-sis & having respect on her(her status) because she is earning & came from rich family. Finally My In-laws taken advantage of My respect & my DH's smooth nature to bend over us in front of co-sis. so i lost respect on them & didn't consider them as human beings right now. while they they didn't consider my respect & service why i should respect them as human beings? but still we are caring their needs. so i want to use them that's it.

other side, if i dont make them as "supervisors" again my BIL grabs them into his house & will make them as "all rounder servants" because there is no Maid & cook & care taker facility in BIL house. MIL herself, saying that where ever her need is, she will be there instead of considering convenience levels & respect levels. so i am thinking in that way....

nb25 · Oct 1, 2014

Reesha,

Both co-sis and you need to swallow your ego, and stop this tug of war with PILs. If they want to visit your BIL, then I guess they are being treated better than what you are guessing.

As a working woman, co-sis does not have time to do all the things that a homemaker can. Please stop justifying that you are treating them better by giving the designation of "supervisors", while co-sis treats them as "all rounder servants". Both of you want the same thing from them, which is help around the house.

You say you are not considering them as human beings. Why do you expect them to live with you?

You helped them in the past out of your own free will. They are not obligated to return the favour, if they don't want to.

Stop fighting over them, as it will only create rifts in your family. Get a babysitter to look after your child. Try to get BIL to share financial responsibility of PILs. But even if you are the only one paying, it does not mean they have to stay in your home and help you supervise. It is their own decision. So, please respect it.