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BIL grabbing In-laws to help his wife from us.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Reesha, Sep 25, 2014.

  1. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    hi,

    every posts related to In-laws forum will have problem with how to get out from In-laws or how to through out In-laws. but my problem is different. i have to through out my BIL family from matters of my Family which is mixed along with In-laws.

    after one big abusement by In-laws with direction of co-sis, after having painful pregnancy days...i got some relief now with help of my baby smiles. i am not fully convinced with husband's explanation, but waiting for situation to give punch back to co-sis & as well as to in-laws. at present in-laws are staying with us with reason of helping to me during critical days of babies work after delivery. ok. let them. it is their minimum responsibility because they got full fledged service from me in past. hear their help means, just managing made & cook by ordering works & playing with baby during my bath time & food time. that's it. no more than it. whole day watching TV, reading news paper, sleepin & enjoying their walking activities so on...

    again my headache started. as per my plan, i want to keep in-laws with me permanently to manage things(maid & cook cum care taker in future) in home. see hear i am not hurting in-laws at any case. they are having very peace full & enjoying their last stage of life in my home. they are not so much bad & tricky like other in laws of this forum. so i want them as my family members. just i am maintaining a liberal relationship with them as per ILites suggestions.

    we lost good relationship with BIL & co-sis because of co-sis rude nature. i knew in india we are having MILs who makes their DIL to be cry very often. but my co-sis will make my MIL to be cry very often. like that she behaves. but my BIL is two headed character.

    one side he will show love on his parents through phones & talks when they are in my home. he will say their kids are starving for grandparents( my in-laws) & want to spend with them so on... he will give phone to his kids & asked them to call back their grand parents in phone. so my MIL & FIL will melt with words by little kids.

    other side he didn't control his wife while she making his mother to be cry. he will support his wife during that situation. he didn't care even though his wife disrespecting his parents & make them to do over work like feeding to kids, taking & dropping to school & managing other house hold works so on...(when ever my MIL comes from their house she lost her weight by 5 kg. when ever she is with us she will gain at least 3 kg weight. that much co-sis will use MIL for their work). he will escape when ever he need to attend hospital needs ( my FIL is diabetic patient. he will join in hospital at least once for a year. ) like hospital expenses & travel to relative functions cum gifts so on...

    ok now. they are with us at present. dasara festival is coming. again my BIL is playing same game like talking in sweet way with parents & making childrens to welcome them so on...he invites them in festival holidays to secure kids. (see hear even though we passed for several weekends, having just 40 min journey from my house, he doesn't invite them in past. but now they need security guards to kids. so he is playing. hear co-sis doesn't invite these people & doesn't have single talk with PIL from 5 months onward. still she maintained same proud behaviour. but these people are falling into BIL play & leaving us who are respecting them & providing No-work environment).

    if these people goes again into their house, same scenes will repeat that is torcher by co-sis & over work to them. hear my DH is feeling sad inside for his parents position & will run every time to hospital when ever PIL needs raises. again if they are patients, i has to care them because i am house wife(i took break in my career for my child.) at present & co-sis is working woman.

    how i can stop In-laws from BIL playing? see in-laws are bit innocent. they will forget or forgive past happenings done by BIL & co-sis when ever BIL & kids talking in sweet way with them. i too have kid. but my DH is not supporting me. he will give preference to his parents decisions even it hurts his soul. but PIL are moving as per BIL play. how i can save my family hear from his play?
     
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  2. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Bil is calling his own parents. You cannot/do not have to stop them. Let them go if they want to. We can only be responsible for our own decisions. You respect them, which is really good on your part. It's up to them to fall for your bils sweet talks or not. So do not worry or think too much. If they want to go let them go.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2014
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  3. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with PP. From what I understood from your post, your DH has to be the one to talk to his brother/parents, if at all you guys want to voice your opinion. If you get into this directly, it will become very messy and you will end up as the bad guy.

    Your relationship with your MIL and cosis is not to be mixed with cosis's relationship with MIL. Unless your MIL has double-standards, i.e., differences in treatment of/rules for her 2 DILs, you cannot change any aspect of their relationship with each other, though it can be understandably annoying at times.

    What you can do is refuse to clean up any mess that has been caused as a result of co-sis's behavior, or if rules are set differently for both of you.

    For example, in my case my MIL always used to say that I must call and speak to cosis (younger BIL). Cosis would never call or visit us whenever we were in town; not even speak to my kid; and no emails, nothing. MIL has openly preferred her to me, and would always defend her.
    After a point I put my foot down and told DH that it is fine if she wants to be that way; its her prerogative but I too should not be expected to take initiatives from my end for keeping in touch and that am not gonna call/mail/send photos.
    The next time MIL mentioned in front of DH that I talk to cosis, he asked her whether she had been saying the same thing to cosis and why should I be the one to take initiatives when BIL and cosis were not interested.
     
  4. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Whoa lady! Most of the women in your shoes would give their right hand to be able to given a chance to be free of PILs :) Why do you need them anyway? its always better to be independant and try to manage things on your own. This way you are not obligated to anyone and can give back nicely on their nonsense.
    BIL has as much right on his parents - so if you try to do something, it will be seen as coming in between parents and son. So I would say keep out of it. If they move out, thing 'good riddance' and enjoy your life.
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    thx. my MIL is lost her confidence & not putting any rules to both DILs. i dont know what she having in her mind about DILs exactly, but from some scenes i got that she is depressed negative minded. she thinks that, both DIL are faulty products & she is only best MIL who is adjusting a lot with DIL nature to protect family relations together.(FIL is always silent). (i got it from a voice audio which she had with my DH in past. my DH didn't tell this to me.).but i didn't care about her opinion because as per ILites suggestion i became duff eared.

    see, i am not opposing their son & parents relation b/w BIL & In-laws. In-laws can go & visit them in temporary bases like 2-7 days. they can visit BIL house even every month because just 40 min journey. but i am opposing that due to their play, my DH is suffering in his Inside of soul. he is only earner to me & my son' future. he is having BP. due to their BIL play, we are suffering indirectly even though we did our role in correct way. i tried to suggest or having discussion about it with my DH. but he is rejecting at starting itself when i opened my mouth about his parents & BIL. when ever i tried to convince or force him to open his voice, he tried to reject or divert that topic. he is saying that "let them do as per their wish. i don't want to interrupt them"


    in past at first they stayed with co-sis for long time for children purpose. my DH also stayed along with them. so my DH knew co-sis rude behaviour & BIL's unsupportive nature very well.

    after 2 months my marriage, DH took parents with him into our new house with cause of health problem. so i can take care them hear. they enjoyed my service. again next year BIL took them for children purpose. these insecured people can't say NO to him because they felt that they are in final stage & should depend on sons. so even though they didn't wish to go, they went in silent manner.

    but after their leaving, DH is in moody face & looking into sky after having talk with his parents.( day which is just after our's 1st night DH cried a lot on my laps & said one line" i want to take care my parents in nice way" . i didnt force him by that time for cause. just i said "yes, we can". but i didn't understand why he is saying like that even though they are staying along with their first son. but after that DH &PIL created image to me that they are suffering a lot with co-sis behaviour ).

    Ok, whatever it may be i am saying that benefits which come from In-laws are going to co-sis family like protecting kids as best trustable persons & household management so on.co-sis enjoying her career & family life very well & with supportive husbands nature. she enjoying In-laws service & ordering them as per her wish. she left childrens work & house hold works on MIL totally but acts like she is managing. she doesn't cook properly because always she maintains a diet food chart in her life. so ates only break fasts & fruits cum nuts. what ever food for remaining members , she will ordered to MIL to cook or buying from hotel for lot of times.

    ..but whenever In-laws get problems, they are escaping from scene with rason of childrens & office or just acting like caring them which is not real. for example once my FIL joined in hospital for 15 days. i & my DH runs for him & paid bill around 5 lakhs for treatment & i(day time) & Dh(night time) stayed with FIL around 13 days. co-sis came& stayed for 2 hours, then every time escaped with reason of stomach ache & kids & office so on.... my BIL also stayed 2 nights & 1 day with FIL & left to office. finally I & Dh suffered. when ever they are patients, my DH is over reacting person so that PIL are getting all service & benifits from us. but when ever they are healthy, BIL & co-sis are getting benefits of their service. so i am planning to keep PILs with us permanently because my DH is over reacting person towards his parents condition if they are ill. My DH adds his parents as beneficiaries of Health insurance but BIL adds his wife & kids as beneficiaries in company policy.

    now say, am i thinking wrong? Dh thinks that what ever duty we should do towards parents should done, with out caring BIL & parents play in his life. but i am not able to digest their plays in my family life. so i am asking suggestions to keep them with us.
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Your in laws are not children.They know what they are doing.They have a right to decide where they stay. Let your husband deal with it and ignore your husband's emotional drama and let him gaze at the sky. Ask bil to share the medical bils and hospital visits.

    I wish both the families stop looking at the old couple as care takers for their children.Just because your bil and co sister are using them,does not mean...they should come to your place and take care of your issues. The not sharing medical bills is an issue that you need to sort out with bil.

    Please tell your husband to add you as a beneficiary too. He is not being a responsible husband if he is not doing that.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2014
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  7. cinderella06

    cinderella06 Platinum IL'ite

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    There is no use you breaking your head in this matter. Here you DH is the person should handle things as its between his mom and brother. He seems to be soft and emotional and have no guts to voice his thoughts to his brother or mom. You cant talk this your BIL or MIL as it will take turn and portray you as a relationship breaker.

    How is your relationship with your MIL. Can you talk to her freely? Then tell her about your husbands situation to her. Tell her how her son loves their presence in your house and how he feels when they go to your BILs house. Now dont give her a bad image about your BIL or Co-sis to her. It will create more rift. Ask her have a heart to heart talk with your DH. When your DH get a satisfied answer from your PIL he will stay calm.
    The problem will come to an end only if your DH talk. At least to his mother.
     
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  8. SurekhaKrishna

    SurekhaKrishna Bronze IL'ite

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    Eesha,
    What about your parents help?you can take your parents help too.

    i know pretty well how much a grandchild need a strong support from one set of grand parents.
    i am in kind of same boat.mine is SIL and not a co-sister...my DH loves his mom and is very emotional person.
    my SIL is working and has 2 older kids.her husband talks same as your BIL....and gets his child care needs fulfilled.his kids are bigger than mine and takes advantage by making them talk so sweetly."we miss u ammamma.pls come to USA ".even when my PILs are in USA for my delivery and baby's care,SIL has picked them up from airport and dropped PILs in their house.SIL said that I can come everyday to their home and my DH can pick me up in evening.i was 7 months pregnant at that time.i cannot wake up early morning 6:00 am and get ready to go with DH.

    sorry for interrupting your thread....


    my plan is to stop asking help of ILs in my future career plans.it did not work out very well.i was newly wed and only 10 months later I was expecting a baby.i could not impress my ILs so well...like my cunning BIL and his wife,kids ;)
    i have to depend on my mom as my MIL is not co-operative/comfortable during her stay with me.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2014
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    What shameless people!!!!Did your mil not protest? Did she help you during your delivery ?
     
  10. SurekhaKrishna

    SurekhaKrishna Bronze IL'ite

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    Yellow mango,
    MIL helped for just 2 months after c-section delivery.i am the only person taking care of my baby after that :( MIL is off to SIL's house and came in weekends only....MIL refused to talk about anything totally even in that 2 days visit...
    the sweet talk by kids to come to SIL house happened when my baby was 1 year old...
     

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