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Big Fight

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by akruti9, Nov 10, 2010.

  1. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Akruti,

    Please keep your cool until you deliver the baby and have recovered completely from labor. After that, you can decide on picking up the battles. Just let it go right now. Just sit aside and watch the drama. If your MIL has to scream on the top of her lungs and your husband has to blame your parents for bangles, let them.

    Every dog has it's day. Just wait patiently for yours to say enough is enough.
     
  2. akruti9

    akruti9 Senior IL'ite

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    Vidya as I told that’s what the problem is no one is standing on what they said. Initially my H said that he will change an ornament from home then get the bangles now he is again expecting my parents to get some.

    My parents can act by getting some bangles at home and say that they got it and then take them later themselves but they are not willing to do it. They say that we gave one necklace to you when you came for marriage now we will get one small 6 gram chain for your daughter we can’t afford more than that. If I ask them to let my inlaws know about that then they will not talk in a polite manner neither my Mil they will again start fighting. My MIL will say we are not beggars we are not asking stuff becoz we don’t have it. we are asking the stuff becoz we gave those to our daughters and blah blah blah

    I want to stay as away as possible with these stupid arguments at least at least for the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy but everyone want me to get involved. My parents come and say about stuff. My inlaws call me and involve me in this stuff my H says you have to solve it as it is related to you. It is not me who is taking pregnancy as an advantage to solve the issues. It is them who think that I don’t have to be treated in any special manner just becoz I am pregnant. This does not mean that people stop talking or solving any problems.

    Yes it is true that I am worrying and later things are becoming normal but every step is going through some sort of argument and ego satisfying of my inlaws it is not going smooth.

    You know what while coming from India I left $500 at my parents place( without my H’s knowledge) and now I am asking them to get some bangles to my daughter in those and say that you guys got them but my parents are not even willing to do that. They feel that I am exaggerating stuff. Why the hell should I create a buildup that my parents are bringing so much gold for my daughter in front of my inlaws? They are not willing to spend their money ok but they are not willing to spend my money too. They are saying keep the money here you will have saving later or we will send bangles after 6 months but not now. If we keep on giving greedy people will ask for more. My H sees other families where the rich girl’s parents are giving her flat, plots and lakhs of stuff whenever they meet their daughter and comes to me and says that your parents don’t give me or you anything ….

    But I must accept that my life is really not that bad. It’s ok even though everyone around me including acts weird but everyone are normal too. Well. That is part of life J and I have to deal with it. If it comes to a do or die situation. I don’t think those stupid bangles will come on anyone’s way. Even my parents will be willing to act to show their bangles as mine or my H might spend $1000 and get some new one. But he wants to squeeze the best he could ……well friends that’s why I feel being a girls is stupid thing in world you don’t have the freedom.Being a boy is the best thing in world no one will rule you on what to do. he spent 1000 on his sister's family's tickets to get them here for baby shower or thousands of dollars to them for no reason and I should not say a word but to spend 1000 for bangles to stay away from fights and arguments I am not getting the " permission" budget is coming on his way.....he is earning I am earning maybe he is earning 1000 more than me but that does not mean that I don't have any rights on my money :(.......Indian male mentallity......well we can't change it.......
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2011
  3. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Akruti
    Dont worry about what ur MIL says .Dont try to please people. It never works. Stand up for urself. If u think getting bangles is not necessary dont go around asking ur parents or DH to do this elaborate drama so u can put up appearances infront of ur MIL.
    Tell them ur parents wont and thats that. If she throws tantrums so what? She has been throwing tantrums inspite of everyone dancing to her tune..so may be its time to stop it.
    And honestly not only does ur DH not have a spine he also seem to lack basic principles. So u have to work on both of them.
    After delivery work on a budget which allows u to keep some part of ur salary for urself.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2011
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Akruti

    Just for a sec....see how your own parents dont listen to what you suggest....( and you are saying your MIL has to listen to what your husband suggests...) you are now in the same shoes as your husband...hope now you know irritating it is...when both sides dont understand...I know even if it means unreasonable expectations..but still...its a very crappy fix situation to be in the middle b/w 2 parties and both sides wont come to any kind of compromise or understanding.

    Now..did you tell your MIL openly that your parents are bringing a chain and thats all they can do as they already gave a necklace during your bros wedding?. Dont just sit and keep mum when your MIL is asking for stuff. whneever she says something...first of all you respond back saying...my parents cant afford it. (whats shame in it??? just say they cant afford it and my father is retired and I am married for these many years...so you are not even newly weds...to keep sending gifts or whatever it is...)

    If you had told your MIL already what was her response? Also when next time your husband compares this gift giving thing with other families or other girls...you also say that you can pick up more things to compare...so everyone has to got to see what they have in their own life rather than compare with others life.

    Either you learn to say NO everytime they hit at you....or you have to succumb to these pressures...

    You are thinking you are solving all these..but one thing is....no one has changed so far...and you are being put at a corner situation everytime....

    I had several questions in my mind....
    when your husband wanted to get your parents here....i.e your mom....didnt you ask what were his expectations? who is going to pay for the ticket, what else does your MIL want etc? because every time he does something..there is always a CATCH....in the background there is something that they need back from you!!! if you had not realised it by now...atleast going forward...everytime he says something good..ask him whats the catch?? what does he want or his mom wants out of it!!!

    Also sometimes its better to curb our own emotions..so that others wont use it against us...he knows you want your mom here...so everyone is playing as much as they want....the moment you say..I dont want my mom or your mom or your sister...I will manage by myself...and Id ont want to see anyones faces ...if you say that and stand firm on it....may be they will take a step back...one way even your parents would understand that..if they dont support their own daughter in what she plans...you might as well cancel all the plans....dont they want to see their grand daughter?? and you dont know when you will go to India again...and they cant come anyways iwthout your so called MILs permission.

    Keep all these things in mind....wait till your delivery...after you deliver the baby..atleast going forward youhave to take some tough decisions andlet your husband deal with it...show him the other side what if you dont adjust or say yes to everything he plans out for you both.

    Also now, the next time your MIL talks aobut gold bangles or what ever it is..just tell her my parents cant afford it, and what ever they can they are getting it...they have already given me enough for my bros wedding..and to keep my inlaws name..I dont like to beg anymore...just put it right to her and let her deal with it..if she wants to scream or yell or make her sons life miserable..its upto her. dont respond to any kind of taunts or pressure...Biggest lesson you have to learn is not to get worked up and DO EXACTLY What you want!!! ...so doing exactly what you want means....tell me what you are going to do now.(enough of we saying what you have to do / say...)
     
  5. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Akruti,

    Your parents are right, they can only get what they can afford. They dont need to dance for your MIL.

    Problem is with your H. More than MIL, the main problem is with your H. He needs to grow a spine, but you are not facing up to his true self.


    And again, IL-ites cannot make decisions for you. You need to stand up to your H (or not). You need to make those decisions. Everyone in IL says, Do X, Do Y, Do this/that.
    You need to run your life the way you want it, not let Indusladies.com run yours.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2011
  6. sng

    sng Senior IL'ite

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    Akruti, do as Sri said....becz u got gold in ur bro's marriage..thats why everyone was quite...How long will it be carried over....Gold gifting...stop this now...Tell them..u r not going to say them that u want this and this....whatever they want to give will give..this is a gift not a dowry.....

    Your MIL has changed ur DH mind about this bangel issue....He thinks there is no bad thing if he is asking for...as they r doing for their SILs so this is the custom....You know I would say as ur DH has spent $1000 in traveling for ur SIL...someday he can say why ur brother cant get booked tickets for u from USA to India...as I have done to my SILs...so be ready for that too...They r spending a lot to show u that how much they spend on SILs and do not expect any gift from them in return...so that they can ask u same in future also....Now do u understand their trick baby...

    Now you have two options only ---

    1) Either satisfy the greed of ur ILs by saving (without knowing ur DH) money and give it to ur parents so that infront of everyone they can gift it to u or can pay to ur airfare and all... If u have guts of doing it...do it entire life...and show them ur father is so rich

    2) Simply say to ur H that see their is big difference in our families financial conditions..so he has to bear with u...as ur bro doesnt earn that much as he and nor ur bro's wife as much as u...so there is a big difference in both families....Tell him there can be huge difference between when he is going to get married to his own daughter in future..so if he is not able to fulfill her Ils greedy demand then what will he do...first the parents feel ashamed that they r not able to do for their daughter as they want to best always...and second they feel more ashamed if it is asked over and they r not able to do still...so tell him be reasonable...and in future do not expect anything from u everything in return whatever he is doing to ur SILs

    About the comments he watches around u ..... ppl r giving so much..tell him the difference in financial conditions....and tell him why didnt u see our financial conditions before marriage itself....u must have married to some millionaire/billionaire....and leave the place
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2011
  7. billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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    You should have told him "why didn't you marry those rich girls too, late now". You should just say that your parents cannot afford, your MIL will not expect anything in future. What is the worst thing that can happen? They cannot physically abuse you, judging from your posts your husband will not leave you. When MIL starts her drama ignore and walk way, I do that to my teenager. Typical Indian male thinks that he is a catch, with few exceptions.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2011
  8. nishatw

    nishatw Senior IL'ite

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    Akruti, ur basic problem is ur husband's attitude. Why to blame ur in-laws when ur husband himself has a orthadox mentality. How come he thinks that u should be grateful for what he has done for u n ur baby. Does he think that u r his wife and ur baby is his own baby and both are his responsibility. there is no point in arguing with such a person whose soch itself is bad. My blood is boiling reading all these. I think u n ur husband needs good counselling. but responsibility and concern for one's wife cant be induced it has to come from within naturally. I dnt understand how to give u suggestions to make his mentality change!
     
  9. nishatw

    nishatw Senior IL'ite

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    akruti, ur parents have a point. Why to trick ur in-laws by buying gold out of ur parents or ur money. Just make it clear to ur husband and his parents that u wont ask anything from ur parents.It's their wish to buy gold or not. Why cant ur husband afford anything though he's working and that too in US and expect from ur father who is retired that too in India? Another thing u can tell him is that, why he's orthadox in the matter of wife's family and gifts whereas in India after marriage the girl is not a member in her own family and she belongs completely to husband's family. So asking gift from ur parents is a shameful thing.People who ask will keep on asking. If u satisfy them this time, they will ask for something else next time. Even if ur parents or u dont buy gold now what can ur husband and in-laws do? And it's right that ur parents are saying don't spend the money that u left with them, let it be saved for ur future use. Or u can later make it an investment in ur kid's name. Why to waste it on gold? gold is good investment only if u buy it as gold buscuits or coins otherwise the manufacturing cost for jewellery will be lost at resale time.And ur husband cannot desert u or ur kid on this issue right? and ur in-laws also cant do anything apart from commenting on it. so ignore them and let them say what they want. I think ur husband will be moved once he sees the face of ur baby. So just concentrate only on ur baby and be prepared for delivery. Only 5 weeks left and don't increase ur BP at this time. It's dangerous for the baby. Post pregnancy for the first 2 months it's really difficult to cope with the baby and taking care of ur health. So leave all worries behind and start reading something good and listen to good songs.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2011
  10. sowmyapbhat

    sowmyapbhat Senior IL'ite

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    Really, there will be no end to these demands. They might have given the moon and sun to their daughters..why can't do the same for their son's child? Or is it that son's child is the responsibility of the son's inlaws?

    I would advise the OP to put an end to all this. Let whoever wants to talk or shout do so. The world is not going to end if gold bangles aren't given to a newborn who needs nothing but food and love.



    If this is not another form of dowry harassment, what is? It is so uncouth to demand that people gift you or your children something.

    Please develop a thick skin and learn to ignore what people say or how they react. It is for your own peace of mind.
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2011

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