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Big Fight

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by akruti9, Nov 10, 2010.

  1. Tanujam30

    Tanujam30 Silver IL'ite

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    A gift given from your own choice is as you describe a "free gift", but it is more like extortion when parents are being forced to give particular gift that is even outside the budget. The "expectation" is WRONG.

    Having said that, your H has come up with the best possible solution to the whole mess. This saves your parents the trouble & all of you the stress. This is not the time to "stand up" to your IL's as your parents want, infact they should really not interfere how you & H manage issues among your family.

    So just sit back & dont worry about what everyone is saying. It is high time you let H handle issues & you take rest.
     
  2. gujulady

    gujulady Bronze IL'ite

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    Akruti,

    I was thinking about you yesterday night and it reminded of the stress I went through my first delivery. I don't know how ils can live happy by making other people's life miserable?
    If possible try to find if there is any custom in your dh's family where dh side give gift to dil/her mother during first delivery. Il's are very smart. They hide so many things... In my case my fil never told me that dh was supposed to give gift to my mom for her services during my delivery and post-partum. We came to know later through distant relatives. My fil demanded my parents to pay money for ticket and bear expenses of all my household shopping and also give gold. Their budget was very tight as my sis was getting married in 3 months.
    Your dh has some limitation and cannot cross line that his parents have drawn. Accept it Akruti but be proud and happy that he is trying to be diplomatic saving tension and stress that he has to go through if he "stands up." Some times it's best to keep low profile.
     
  3. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Akruti
    There is only one solution to this problem. This might have been suggested before but since the basic problem is recurring under different guises (from the sheer length of the thread) it surely has not resonated with u . Ur DH needs to grow a spine and u need to stop comparing ur life with ur SIL and BIL and how they are treated by ur IL' and get gifts from ur DH. Until both of these happen I fear u will always have some issue or the other. There might be other solutions which address the symptom and placate the situation but the real one will always be there and it needs to be solved .
    Ur DH can start by telling his mom that he doesn't want to force or even ask for gifts from ur parents. Unfortunately being a nice guy is not enough. And u can start by being happy that ur SIL attended the function gifts or no gifts.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2011
  4. gujulady

    gujulady Bronze IL'ite

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    Jag,
    I understand and stand with you. But this is not the time to pull the strings. Akruti is in her final stage of preg and post-partum will be another issue to deal with. Any stress she takes now would be very risky for her and her baby.
    You never know how her mil will react if her dh stands up now.

    Akruti, As your sil is concerned, just assume that she also has issues with her ils where they expect her brother/parents to take care of her expenses and send them freebies.

    I wish a safe delivery for you.
     
  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    I understand and respect various opinions but I will continue to hold mine. How Akruti chooses to take it is an entirely different matter. There is no perfect time to start saying "Thats it buddy .I have had enough. I am done " . And in this case its her husband who should be saying it to his mom. Today its about bangles tomorrow it will be about the new borns -gift ..day after something else ...How long can the solutions be about the symptom?
    It is not about today ..the thread is atleast a few months old..and each time its been about handling the symptom.
    He needs to learn to stand up NOT to his wife but to his principles. In baby steps and a good time is now...and with the Bangles
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2011
  6. akruti9

    akruti9 Senior IL'ite

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    Friends thanks for all your concern but you know what there is no solution for my problems L and moreover I don’t have any more patience or energy left to think about it. I am damn damn tired. Now even my H thinks that what is wrong if your mom gets her own bangles and gives it to you. You are her own daughter. Why can’t he understand that just because if his mom asks why the hell should we get something? December when I went for marriage my parents gave me almost gifts about 1 or 1.5 lakhs. Now at least for my inlaws sake they think that my parents are only spending on their ticket which is almost 80,000rs. ( though we are doing it but my inlaws think that they are themselves doing it) my dada is retired my MIL knows all this stuff and all these expenses but still she is asking for gold bangles which will at least cost 80,000 rs more. Where the hell can my parents get money? She and my H both feel that my brother should send money to them for all these expenses as my dad is retired. My brother just got married he has his own expenses why the hell he should satisfy my MIL”s wishes L

    Now if my parents get bangles for me my inlaws behave nicely with me like they have been behaving for the past 3 months if not then again she wil start torturing me and my parents. My H feels that why your parents can’t make that extra effort of giving the bangles that are at home to you and see you happy……everyone is greedy around. Even though I am working. I don’t have the freedom of getting my dad too here. I am so tired I am on my 35<SUP>th</SUP> week. I want my mom here NOW. But I can’t get her here because of my MIL I have to wait till April 1<SUP>st</SUP> to get her here just 10 days before delivery. What if I go into labor before that? I can’t manage the bangles myself and let my inlaws know that my parents gave it to me. Becoz it is out of my H’s budget L……and I should not think all these problems and be happy becoz I am pregnant and I have baby inside.

    According my H I should be grateful and be happy that I went to my brother’s marriage in spite of all the fighting’s, I had grand baby shower, my parents got visa and atlesat my mom is coming in next 20 days for my delivery…so I should be grateful to him that he made all these possible even with those crappy inlaws and be happy…..

    Well no one’s life is perfect. I guess I should just look into the bright side of everything and be happy and rest just leave it to God.
     
  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes no ones life is perfect Akruti but next time he says that u have to be happy inspite of him being greedy tell him calmy and firmly that u are disappointed more about his lack of principles than about anything else and all the visas and baby showers in the world cannot compensate for that basic requirement.
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Akruti,

    I think you need to keep your mind cool and after a while you can do anything and it's not big deal.Once it becomes off topic,as you are planning whatever your husband brought can make as your mom gift.

    Or,your mom can just give her whatever she had at this point without doing any new purchase and after things cool down,you can return it or eventually you can save money and but something for your mom.

    Right now,all are in hype and utilising the situation and playing games around.I hope you and your parents should be proactive.Not sure,why they gave bangles during your brother marraige wihtout thinking about your delivery?

    Anyway,find some solution for it right now and in future give it back to your mother.After sometime everything comes into your terms until then don't spoil your mind.

    Some one influenced your husband or your husband might have expectations too on your parents.Talk to him cooly later once the things settle little better.

    Don't worry too much on what happens if your mother not here and you deliverd.And it had happened to lot of people and nothing will happen.Everything will ok as the hospitals are very good and typically your husband should able to take care of it.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2011
  9. gjaya

    gjaya Silver IL'ite

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    @JAG - well written. I think I have already wrote long before, that akruti's husband needs to grow a spine. He is the husband here for god sake....he is not doing some favor here for akruti that she needs to be grateful for him for small small kindness bestowed by him. You are right today it is about bangles tomorrow there will be the baby's some function so what will be the expectations then, gift a gold chain for the baby?

    @Akruti - I am sorry things are really really rough for you especially at this time. Hang in there. I hate to say this but like others have written only thing I can suggest is ask your parents to bring whatever they can afford and that is all. End of discussion. Your husband can deal with his Mom.
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Akruti

    Only thing I can tell you...again n again is...you CANNOT Control anyones expectations or demands...except your own...to top it you started involving your parents in all this and they also started pressuring you from their side...talking about your husband and what they can or cannot do...

    First of all ask yourself...everytime you made a big issue out of something...that thing always ended up in a calm way...rather than any worrisome result..

    You were fighting and picking your brains out to go to your bros wedding...you blamed your husband, MIL , SILs and everyone in your inlaws house...but finally tickets were booked, you went..

    Again there was issue about how your MIL would want your parents to beg her to send you etc...and how she MAY NOT let you go for the wedding...but you ended up happily enjoying your Bros wedding...with no drama or scenes..

    Then you thought your SIL would treat you crappily when she comes over during your pregnancy...surprisingly she didnt acct that way...

    Now its aobut what your MIL asked...some gold bangles..which ARE MADE AS A BIG ISSUE..

    Basically you have to understand that...NOTHING OR NO ONE is a problem here...EXPECT YOU...YOURSELF...YOUR TWISTED MIND is making you make things more complex..by thinking and overplanning all the worst possibilites.

    First you said your husband will change some gold ornament and get the bangles made out of it and will tell your MIL that your parents gave it...(what happened to that thought?)

    Coming to your parents..why do they have to involve or comment about your husbands decision. As per them..They can just put down their foot and say this is what WE CAN GIVE. ifyou want us to come...we will...if you think ..without banlges you dont want us to come ..then fine...we better stay back in India. So why cant they take that stand..instead of pressurizing you to fix all this.

    What I see is...you think your husband is spineless or greedy or that he is influenced by your MIL etc...but he has his own plans and thoughts and opinions...and you are thinking its all your MIL.

    Moreover you are married for good no. of years..by this time you should know how your MIL is...you only said many timems that she just barks and talks crap (including your FIL) and eveyrone calms down and acts NORMAL...so why cant you ACCEPT how your inlaws family is...and keep calm when situations like this arise where people start having different expectations.

    Really I hate to say this but when you are pregnant ..thsi is not the time to handle inlaws issues or teach your husband the morals...and THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO...at the expense of your pregnancy and the health of the baby...is it one of way emotionally blackmailing the man?? because thats what it appears to me....jsut because you are pregnant doesnt mean that people aorund you will change their nature. you lived iwth him for past 5 yrs and he didnt show an ounce of change and you expect it now?? in these 9 months? can we get realistic? practical?

    Keep yourself away from controversaries..if someone has a problem, let them deal with each other instead of you trying to bridge the gap as its not going to do any good to you. If your husband wants yourparents to get something, he has tot alk to your parents. and if your parents cant get something..they have to openly tell your husband i.e who ever is asking it. instead of filling your ears against your husband.

    Please DELIVER the baby first....and you have all your life to fight over this husband and MIL issues......sometimes I think...its not them..its you who has the problem..atleast they are open in what they want...you are the one who confuses everyone around you.
     

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