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Big Fight

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by akruti9, Nov 10, 2010.

  1. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Akruti

    Who said such things were easy??? not at all..it takes years together to master that art..and beleive me...if you are able to selectively ignore somethings and somepeople...you are a blessed humanbeing:thumbsup

    But you have to practise it you cant just say..I dont know I didnt learn etc...we all dont learn everything at one go when we were born..we learn over the time..

    Your MIL is teaching you a very big lesson...ART OF IGNORING HER:biglaughand if you are not learning that art...she sure would spoil your peace of mind and later on would want to involve in the way you raise your kid. Its going to be a never ending battle with her.

    From now on either learn to ignore...or be ready to have more tensions, pressures, fights, affecting your marriage and relationship with your husband as slowly he would also get irritated with these fights.

    If you just keep dumb and calm:ideayour husband would atleast understand ok the problem is at one side i.e his mom...but if you both go on and on together...he would say even youa re fighting with his mom how can he tell hismom to keep quiet:coffee

    so just talk to your husband heart out...and then keep cool..tell your MIL always to talk to her son and not to you..NO MATTER what it is...even making juice or making dosa batter. Please tell your son..and then go to your bedroom and sit for a while. I told you ...you haev to learn to act giddy and tired and tell her oihhhh you are feeling back pain etc..etc...if you want to be all truthful and nice and open..she wont let you sit peacefully...if you cant deal with her directly..find roundabout ways to get things your way..no point in getting angry, upset shouting, yelling etc.
     
  2. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Really who cares if she understands or not? You told your husband about it. So tell him this is all the work you can handle and you can not do any more work. Just bluntly tell him and leave the place.

    Tell me, what is stopping you from reporting to authorities?
    Your husband did not handle the issue well. He should have shut his mom up. Your husband is not Mr.princecharming because he did not hit you when his mom asked him to do so. He should have shut his mom up. He should have calmed you down. He should get into the kitchen and help you. And when your MIL passes comments about helping you, he should ask her to mind her own business. From your OP I feel he is playing a safe game by staying out of it.

    And, you, please,please for the sake of your baby, keep your self calm and at distance yourself from fights. No oneelse expect you are at the losing end because of such fights.
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2010
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Obviously I didn't have MIL like you but these things will happen in lot of us lifes.My MIL is very very careful about the money and one day I took myself to the beads shop and she brought some stuff and I not even around it as I have small baby that time and I was engaged with my baby and she selected ,I paid the bill and came home.
    Thing is she didn't go to high end pearl where she is careful about the money.But when she came home ,she was thinking over and also discussed with some of our friends and later she realised she needs to get the other one and she felt not comfotable to ask me again.
    What she said to her son was,I brought her those things and she waned to exchage them and you should see my husband got pissed off so much that why did you buy my mohter cheap items and why you didn't buy the other one and even I was explaing to him he didn't listen.That's it after that I never ever took her to shop nor brought anything.
    So don't get pissed off too much about her lyeing.She got a chance now and utilising it.

    What's wrong with your husband?Why he is so scared of his mother.Why he is trying to patch it up all the time.He should realise by now things won't work that way.

    Don't even try to prove anything to her.What's the use of it.Beleive me for some peope day won't pass if they don't have anything in hand and they would only can sleep in peace if they fought with someone.So keep yourself safe from that kind of people.For them it's normal and day to day activity and for us BP goes high.
    Go home normal be normal,do or don't do work and sleep.Don't care.

    until he gives you some solution don't even talk to her.As Arch mentioned he playing safe.Here we don't want ignite between you and your husband but ultimatly he needs to take control over it and control his mom.He need to help you whatever it is and shouldn't worry about his mom comments.Ask him wether he will help you or not?
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2010
  4. apunegirl

    apunegirl Junior IL'ite

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    Hi akruti,
    Congrats on your pregnancy.
    I dont know why your MIL came so early(you are due in April,i guess) to help(or trouble) you.
    Please dont ask MIL to stay with you during your recovery time(when you have delivered).Please make this arrangement if possible.
    It's good for your physical stress,body soreness from delivery.It's always good to have your wellwishers,people you love in your presence.
    And Especially a pregnant woman has desires,cravings,dreams about baby yet to be born.How come you are only thinking about bad things,unpleasant stuff?It's not doing any good to your baby in tummy.
    Please try to read good pregnancy books,try to follow how your baby grows every week in her mommy.There are many beautiful pictures,videos of how a baby grows in mommy's womb.Please spend time on this videos,baby caring do's and dont's,parenting books.
    Always be clear on what you want for your baby and you.
    This is not the time to solve any big issues.Just YOU and BABY in 6 months.After the baby is in your arms,you wont have a second yes that's right a single second to care anybody not even your DH.
    please listen to me.I have been in your situation except that my MIL was giving nightmares to both me and DH after baby is born to me.
    My parents also are not allowed to take care of me and baby.
    but my DH was like a rock protecting me like a baby. he is a gem i must say here.You please be united with your DH.think only about him not your MIL,FIL.
    IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE everything.You cant have this much energy once you enter 8th month.what will you do then?
    ONe thing try to avoid MIL's staying in your home during your pregnancy.
    I know how a DIL is an alien to any MIL.Any MIL knows well about her son and her family.Dont even expect any changes in her.It's a literally waste of time to you.Please be happy and COOL.Please SMILE OFTEN.DO ONLY WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOUR BABY.YOU WILL FORGET WHOLE WORLD ONCE YOUR BABY IS IN YOUR ARMS.YOUR BABY WILL BE YOUR WORLD.EVEN HUSBAND IS NEXT TO IT.BELIEVE ME AKRUTI.
    LISTEN TO NICE GARBHARAKSHAMBIKA SONGS(play it on a CD)GIVEN IN THIS SAME SITE(music makes you cool)IN PREGNANCY FORUM.BABIES CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC FROM MOMMY'S WOMB.TRY TO REMAIN PEACEFUL AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.GO FOR A EVENING WALK WITH YOUR HUSBAND.visit a nearby temple with your DH.It will calm you down and your tensions.
    DO ONLY WHAT MAKES YOUR BABY HAPPY......SHE/HE CAN LISTEN TO YOUR HEART BEAT GOING VERY HIGH AT TIMES.SHE/HE KNOWS THAT MOMMY IS NOT IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY.
    PLEASE PROTECT THE LITTLE ONE INSIDE YOU.LO NEEDS YOU.YOU ARE HER/HIS MOMMY.PLEASE WAKE UP.
    CUT THE EVERYDAY CRAP.IT WILL BE THERE EVERYWHERE.

    PS:Normally i never write in married life forum.but i felt so strong to write as an unborn baby's life is involved here.
    You can listen to annamacharya songs daily.You can go to babycenter.com for development of a baby week by week knowledge.
     
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    koool I like this idea very much...Just be firm and calm and dont talk to her at all..and if she shouts act as if she doesnt exist. and if your husband asks you, tell him to solve the problem....send her backt o India and let you have a peaceful delivery...if he cant do that...he as well can shut up along with his mom:crazy
     
  6. akruti9

    akruti9 Senior IL'ite

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    A mail from my H to my younger sis in law who he thinks as if he is very rational but she always suports her mom. he mailed like this to her and to me many times but problem never solved.

    Amma did not eat last night. Talk to her.

    After lot of discussions both swore on my death and one said she did not finish Puja (amma) and one said she finished Puja (akruthi). I sided Amma and asked akruthi to apologize. She said “I am not lying but I am apologizing”. I said No do it right way. She still had that angry face and apologized twice (you know by not meaning it). Amma said lot of things so did akruthi. Amma gave me options (mentioned below). Akruthi said she cannot take this constant complaining against her so “I will quit my job and go back to India ”. She also said I cannot take bossing or name calling (her parents) anymore and if you add lies to it then I am out of here.

    They both do not like each other. So anything either party does is made a big issue.

    Last 2 visits problems were related to her parents. She took care of them well without any complaints even though in first visit she was not talking to her parents and second visit she had a job and still managed everything. In Her trip in India She rudely talked back in support of her parents. This time she could not keep up with things because of pregnancy or job or pure arrogance. Amma’s options - Send her to India for a while/punish her (slap her or hit her)/not send her for marriage/send amma back now and will never come back/ I go to my in-laws and forget about them (amma). I cannot opt ANY of them. From the day one they ask me to send her back what does that mean? Only option is to send her permanently. I am not blackmailing anybody but I think it is better option. So Amma vallu can feel they are not humiliated, Akruthi does not feel same. I have no right to cause any pain to both of them. Again not “black mail” but my splitting is better for amma, dad, akka and Akruthi. I don’t want to hurt anyone or get them hurt.

    I cannot live a life of constant fights, yelling, complaining, and name calling all my life. I always tried to fix this but I think I failed completely. If her parents are rude then I told Amma vallu to let them go and be happy that akruthi is taking care of them. But if they feel she is also not honest with them then they don’t have to adjust anymore. When they asked akruthi not to talk to her parents I explained her things will become smooth in few years and ask her to suck up. She too adjusted for few yrs only. I am not solving the issue. I can take the horse to the pond only. I am just tired.





     
  7. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    is he talking about sending you home permanently or just your MIL ?
     
  8. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    poor guy.. I really pity him.
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Akruti,

    Your husband doesn't know how to handle things and as long as he runs around people these things never going to solve.

    Unless your husband learn how to control your MIL tanturms,your problem not going to solve.He is too sensitive.

    Not sure why he is giving each and every details to his sister like


    If you have this much complication then I would advise,go to India deliver the baby and stay there for sometime and let your husband realise where his stand.Basically he need to understand how to keep his mom and family away from his marraige and how to control his mom and her tanturms.He needs to learn that otherwise they are taking advantage of him and you.

    Don't hit your head against wall.This is never ending problem.Stam calm and quit and so how things go around and don't work up too much.If you want go to temple todaya and eat outside and have some peace of mind and don't think too much on it.These kind of problems will not have any solution.
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2010
  10. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    Yes he is s/w. But his mother telling to hit his wife????? What sort of crappy behaviour is that. I dont know how any parent would advise their son to do that. Looks like there is HUGE gap between what the husband is and what his parents are. For this to work even half way, the MIL would have to control her toungue.

    If my MIL would say that to my husband then I would say the same thing - send her back since she cannot give me basic repsect as a human being.

    Asking her husband to hit her is really bad. Really really bad - For what - she doesnt want to do some household chores when shes pregnant?? thats a very flimsy reason for hitting isnt it?

    Its sad that he has such kind of family.
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2010

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