Biased husband...big trouble

KanikaMehra · Feb 16, 2015

It’s been two years to our marriage. My husband is extremely caring about his parents; he cared for them more than me always. He is the only son. I am a working women and I am financially independent. I always expected my husband to provide me some money for my monthly expenses. Please let me know if this thought is wrong…

Whenever I ask him for money he says that I have to give money at home and I can’t give you any money. My mother in law is very demanding and controlling and she knows that my husband has a soft corner for her and therefore she takes the advantage of this fact as much as she can. She keeps asking for money from him and he keeps giving her, at that time he does not feel that he is in a financial crunch. He has a housing loan on him. When it comes to me, there is no money and for her there is always money. I feel he is biased all the time.

My in laws have controlling nature and they have tried to dominate me a lot and because of this nature, I wanted to stay separately with my husband. When we talked about this, a big scene was created at home where everyone was shouting. My husband couldn’t say a word and they kept insulting me. We could never move out. My husband told me that he cannot stay away from his parents. It’s been 2 years to our marriage and things are still the same. The entire house is controlled by my mother in law and if she says something, it has to be the final verdict for my husband. My father in law is a puppet for my mother in law. He only does what she says and has no opinion of his own. I am pregnant, second month is going on. I am in a deep distress, what to do with my situation. I think that a person who does not give me money and does not feel that I am important how he is going to treat the baby. I feel suffocated in that house. My life has become extremely difficult.

Ours is a love marriage, but what he showed before marriage and what he turned out to be after marriage was completely different.

My parents had told me that I won’t be able to be happy with him. But I trusted him and went ahead with the marriage because he assured me that he will take care of everything and nothing of that sort happened after marriage. I feel that I don’t have any right to hurt my parents so I keep taking life as it is but I feel extremely depressed, sad, not cared for and suffocated. Please tell me what I should do.

CrayoNess · Feb 16, 2015

What kind of monthly expenses you are talking about? It is clear that both parties need to contribute to the household costs (housing, utilities, food). Come up with a fair scheme (for example in proportion to your salaries) how you share these costs. The remaining you can then spend on yourself, parents or whatever. You may also need to agree how much you will save for future (eg kids education). As you are working you can cover your own costs from your salary.

Akanksha1982 · Feb 17, 2015

Focus on your pregnancy. Keep your money with yourself. When your child is born, open a bank account in your child and your name and put money in that account for the child's future. Don't inform anyone about this account.

Don't get stressed out with your MIL. Let her rule. It is not the PM's chair that you are competing for and you don't get a nobel prize even if you win. Just focus on yourself and your child.

For now, just focus on your pregnancy and not let other issues stress you out.

mcutiepie · Feb 17, 2015

Dear OP,

Are you also contributing to monthly home expenses or giving any money at home? If not, then you shall just chill and relax that your ILs are not asking for your salary as well which is the case with most of the families. If you want to open this with your DH, then he may ask you details of your salry, your monthly expenses. Now atleast noone is interferring in your matters.

Dont worry about kids expenses. Then you can leave everything on your husband. Just relax and enjoy your pregnancy. Eventually, you need to learn, that you own a life as an individual too and you have to drive your life not your partner...

About your MIL... this is also very common in most of the families... since you are working, keep yourself busy in your life... and its good that she is taking care of everything and you dont have to bother... Once I also learnt this, my life has been easy... apne kaam se kaam rakho.. that is it...

All the best.

KanikaMehra · Feb 17, 2015

Well thank you everyone for the suggestions. I also forgot to highlight one point that at present, my MIL comes up with new things. Since I am pregnant, she has stopped talking to me. For my husband everything is ok, he does not even ask her why she is behaving like this. In the past, when my in laws refused to move with us, my husband used to ask me everyday to go and talk to them. When I refused to do that, he was ready to pack my bags and leave me. And now when they are behaving like this, he is fine with it. If they can behave the way they want to, why does my husband expect that I should go and talk to them?

I have spoken to him about a joint account in the bank but he refuses to do that. He keeps saying that he does not have enough money to open the back account. I spoke to him that since you are not able to bear my expenses, how are you going to bear the expenses when the baby comes? He says I don't know we will see. I am freaked out with this answer.

My question is if I only have to do everything for myself and for the baby then why do I need him? He is not able to give me time, money, emotional support, then what can he give me?

Is my husband right in behaving like this?

Sivasakthigopi · Feb 17, 2015

Hi,
Your thinking is right. You are pregnant Lady. Each Pregnant Ladies have so many wishes and likes. She wish to share each and every pregnancy moments with his husband. All husbands, who dont like his wife or who got angry on his wife also provide more care. But in your postings, i don't see, your husbands care on you. May be he is a Mother Boy. He is only son. So your mil put most love on him. Same time you got love marriage. May be it is against your mil wish. It is simply her fear on you. If you took his son completely with you? this is her major fear. You also raised separate living idea infront of her. this is also increased and confirmed her doubts.

But each and every problem will be solved. You dont worry. It will harm your baby to. Relax yourself. Talk with your mother in law frankly and emotionally. I thought you like my mom. but you dont even thought me as a daughter in law. I left my parents and come here with my full hope on you only. not your son. like this talk with her. now i am carrying your grandchild. but you dont talk with me. Like this.

She asking money. But she will provide you only na. Your child only na!

If you talk infornt of your husband he too understand. You are working person. and you need one support this time. after delivery too.

So talk with your mil, ask her to upbringing your child like your husband. Ask her to prepare her special dish. like that.

If you show all love on her every thing will be solved. Every child brings happiness to home. so your child also bring happiness with him/her.

Forgot all past things. Live life happily!

She is elder! if we ask sorry there is nothing will happen to us. All the Best!

KanikaMehra · Apr 29, 2015

Thank you everyone for all the support. I really appreciate your opinions and concerns and you all are family to me right now. I have said sorry to my parents but they still don't take a very keen interest in my life. I go to meet them and stay with them often, and that time is happy time, they take care of me but they ask me to keep quite when such type of scenes are created by my mother in law. I called my mom today to ask if it is ok that I come home till I deliver but she said that a better option is to stay there for sometime and then come here for sometime instead of shifting here for the entire pregnancy (I am due in September).

Cool10 · Apr 30, 2015

KanikaMehra said: ↑

Thank you everyone for all the support. I really appreciate your opinions and concerns and you all are family to me right now. I have said sorry to my parents but they still don't take a very keen interest in my life. I go to meet them and stay with them often, and that time is happy time, they take care of me but they ask me to keep quite when such type of scenes are created by my mother in law. I called my mom today to ask if it is ok that I come home till I deliver but she said that a better option is to stay there for sometime and then come here for sometime instead of shifting here for the entire pregnancy (I am due in September).
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Hi,

Congratulations on your pregnancy !!!

When you are working why do you need your monthly expenses from your husband ? I assume he is taking care of household expenses by your post.

Listen to your mom. It is too early for you to go to your parental house till delivery yet (unless you have complications or too much stress/fighting at your in law's home). It might create distance between you and your husband.

After delivery when you don't get salary your husband has to pay for everything by default.