betrayed and confused

bruised234 · Oct 31, 2015

How much ever I think Vaidehi, I will always be in love with this man to some degree, I fell in love with him the moment I saw him ( it was an arranged marriage ) and I even told him many times. Unfortunately, he does not consider me equal and my love is of no value to him. As I said earlier, it is my fixation towards him. I should have been more practical when I married him. I pray for the strength and courage to take the right course of action.

bruised234 · Oct 31, 2015

Sorry Priya16, what you said is right. The more inquisitive I am on this, the more openly he has started on it. I had gathered some courage yesterday and stopped thinking about him, but sometimes I can't resist the urge to tell him to stop it or choose between me and her. Whatever it may be, as you said, it is not time for me to sit and contemplate but act. I was not in the right mind yesterday. I was full of sorrow and confusion, but it is extremely clear to me that he is definitely approaching her and he is not at all unhappy or guilty about it. Even if I prove it, he will definitely go to her and break away from me, I can see that from the way he is behaving right now. But thanks for your advice, this is what everybody around has been telling me.

Ragini25 · Oct 31, 2015

bruised,
If he is indeed in love with her, and if he is finding happiness with her, then it is going to be tough to stop him from going to her. Might as well let the cat out of the bag, confront openly and be done with it. If he is going, then he is going to go, anyway.

bruised234 · Nov 1, 2015

It is easy for you to say Ragini, not for someone who is undergoing the pain. Who has to let the cat out of the bag? It should be him, not me. The more I ask him, the more he denies. Anyhow Ragini, I don't want to think of it anymore. I guess the damage is done, it seems like he has resolved to go his path. As for me, it is a painful period of waiting for the results. I am like that student who is waiting for their results to appear. Every time I see him in the night my mind changes, when it dawns, it dawns on me that I have to move on. Whatever the results are, they are not going to be easy on me in any case.

Ragini25 · Nov 1, 2015

^ The longer you "wait", the more the damage it will do to your emotions. Since he is conveniently using "best of both worlds (you+home and her)" - you are the one who needs to let the cat out of the bag - by asking him to choose either you, or divorce(and her). Only then he will come out clean, else he wont come clean with the affair thats going on. He needs to CHOOSE, and you need to FORCE him to choose.

1Sandhya · Nov 1, 2015

OP,

Stop! Stop! Time out! Take a deep breath. Take a step back.

I read your last few replies to the other posters and I am quite perplexed by what you said. You cite a 10 year marriage, during which you are ' somehow managing to hold on to him', you refer to 'he is enjoying my plight' and 'becoming ven more open' now that you suspect. You refer to 'your bad luck that you married a v good looking man'. Op, it sounds like you are extremely insecure about your husband, and your status in your marriage. I am really curious about the dynamic between you two. What has it been like? OP, it sounds like you feel like you dont deserve your h at all, and are constantly looking for his stamp of approval or his 'love' as you put it. So what if he is good looking, why are you soooo much impressed with that one thing? Looks are not the only thing in life you know?

That you feel like this is quite unusual. I know several v plain women who have good looking h's and vice versa but the dynamic between all of them is of equals. The guy may be good looking but the wife is the practical one. The wife may be gorgeous but the guy is the canny one or the wise one. They bring separate but equal assets to the marriage. And after 10 years of marriage and living together, all the glamour of being the good looking, beautiful or handsome one has usually worn off. They do not speak of their spouse in such terms as you are doing.

OP, what if - there is no affair? What if - your h knows you struggle for his love and feel you are unworthy of him and he enjoys rubbing it in. What if he enjoys to torture you like this? You already mentioned physical abuse, maybe this is the same in a new avatar? Op, please understand that if he is having EMA, it would be unusual that he would be 'enjoying your plight' and taunting you? Instead he would lie or be defiant or rude. It is more likely your h may be a sadist? Could it be? One who withholds affection and love from you and enjoys to see you worry and lose sleep? Not that it makes him any better than a cheater but I really feel there is no affair. OP, why are you so insecure about him? What can he do? where can he go? If he has indeed cheated on you he will lose half his property and full custody of the kids do you even realize that? California law is v clear. Why are you so lost in your own private hell? Come out of it. Open your eyes. Looks are not the only thing in this world.

bruised234 · Nov 2, 2015

Sandhya,
He is being rude,defiant a lot of times especially during night time - something that has not happened before. I only hope what you said was true - that he is torturing me in this new way. No I don't think he is doing it to just torture me this time. It is another matter that I am actually feeling tortured right now. He is extremely guarded when it comes to his phone. He keeps changing the app on which he communicates in his phone so that he can cover his tracks. He was showing all the signs of having developed interest in someone else - working out, going on hikes every weekend irrespective of the fact that I was loaded at home. He was never ever guarded when it came to his phone, but one time in the past, for some very odd reason, he was chatting and he did not let me see his chat. Then I happened to see his chat and found the slew of messages. Since there was no messages after that for a month - I found it a month later, I thought it was a mistake and a one sided affair, it did not strike me that he could have deleted all the messages. Then later, she hit a message once when I almost ignoring his phone messages. I felt extremely uncomfortable but I still that it was a casual correspondence. Then came his birthday and he did what he never did in 10 yrs - take a casual leave, reason being - he had a lot of "personal" errands to run on that day - maybe he thought I would surprise him at the office and he decided to take the leave instead. I was disappointed but I let out my displeasure indirectly - something I should have never done. But he was also not straightforward, he never told me what he did for the entire day - answer was vague, I had a lot of errands to run and "I don't need to tell you everything", I followed him for one hour in the morning - which was another stupid thing I did, he probably realized halfway through he was being followed because I kept calling him throughout the following. I just left the following after 1 hour and I went to the office. He called me and asked me if I thought he was paying someone a visit at their house - something which I didn't say. I said yes and he said he was done with me. I apologized for my behavior, but what he did after that was even more suspicious, he started going every alternate day for tennis and coming back late in the night. Then again the following he took a leave - this time it was my FIL's eye surgery, which ended in the morning itself. He went again to office in the evening picked her up - how do I know? he left the office quite early but when I called him he said he was at the parking lot of his office only to run by me five minutes when I was near my kids school. Only today he was again acting suspicious around his phone, taking care to not see something that he desperately wanted to see but then he felt I was right next to him so he kept quiet. All this behavior along with his artificial affection have made me highly insecure. It is another matter that I was insecure from the beginning because of his constant physical,verbal abuse and intermediate threats of divorce. God knows what is brewing now, but I have decided to let go of it - I have definitely stopped thinking about this in office, but sometimes I don't know why I can't resist following him or tracking him especially when he shows his guarded and extremely nervous behavior. I cannot afford to think that all is well and fine given his suspicious behavior. It is not like I want to worry about this all the time. It is just that now I have to gear up for whatever outcome is there and be mentally and financially prepared.

sing · Nov 2, 2015

Since, the issue revolves around catching him red handed. Here's something I can suggest.

Use technology to your advantage.

1. Use a hidden microphone in the car, they are cheap, you can find them on ebay.

2. Install a zombie invisible application in his mobile phone. There are lot of such, the good ones are usually not free. It will record things without his notice and relay the conversations directly to you.

3. Install a similar application on his computer if possible. Car is a great place to have such gadgets, just take care there are no glowing objects.

4. Similarly with miniature cameras.

Good ones are not cheap though. Well, first you gotta pretend that you agree to what he said, not all of a sudden, but slowly rather in a way he is convinced.

If you let him be normal, you can catch him. The way you got paranoid does make me feel your instincts caught the changes. And you should trust them but with a grain of salt.

Also think about what if he is caught ?
Prepare yourself to hand it.

bruised234 · Nov 3, 2015

By far, I found your advice most useful and practical. The only thing is, it is not easy to follow I pray I get the strength to forget him and keep this behind me and move on. He must be so tired trying to keep up on both sides. But now that he is slipping away, for some odd reason, I find him all the more irresistible (I know it sounds so sick) - more like a diabetes patient craving for sugar. I should accept the fact that he was not there for me to begin with. Moving on is so difficult.

Priya16 said: ↑

I know this is all hard.And also not easy to think the way I'm going to tell.

Suppose,if he is into EMA ,what do you want to do?I know these EMA's will end one day and he will be normal dad and husband.So what's your take on it??Once you know he is into EMA,you want to divorce him or just forgive him and continue life.

In any case,there is no need for all your mental struggle what you are going right now right.If you want to divorce,then you start gather courage for it and work towards it.

If you want to forgive,for that also you need to practice something to deal with that.But trying to figure he is into EMA or not will not help you anything at this point.It will leave more sleepless night. Instead try to find what do you want to do and how to deal with it.Those are the bigger things which you need to deal down the road.

If he Is into EMA,there is no way you can stop and only time will show the right course.So focus on positive things, stay positive, gather some courage to deal with it, gather your finances.

At the bottom,you need to understand yourself,do you want to continue your life with this so uncertain relationship.If so,then you need to become emotionally strong where you less focus on your husband and more focus on yourself and kids and well being of your over all family.Lot of elders dealt same way.So don't ruin your health for this.Have fun with kids and do some yoga.Just joke with your husband and stay positive.

YOUR JOB IS NOT TO FIND WHAT HE IS UPTO,YOUR JOB IS HOW YOU WANTED TO DEAL AFTER MATH OF IT AND HOW YOU WANTED TO MAKE REST OF YOUR LIFE MORE PEACEFUL.

Even if this episode over,you will have again another episode.Once you start spouse is not trust worthy then these siposdes will not go away from your life.So you need to correct youself and find what your course of action when you start feeling these things.
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bruised234 · Nov 3, 2015

All,
This is turning out to be unbearable now. I am fed up of his lies. I just want this to stop. The more I try to get near him, the more he is going away. Right now I feel so depressed, don't want to do anything with anyone, all I want is a husband and my kids, nothing else, no money, no bank balance nothing. This is the worst of all beatings. I just want him back