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betrayed and confused

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by bruised234, Oct 25, 2015.

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  1. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    Sandhya, I am a jealous wife true. Which wife will not feel jealous when the husband pays extra attention to anyone else but the wife? Won't it feel bad when the person you love thinks you are a pain, but is very appreciative and nice to all other females? But I never suspected him so far. Only after I saw his super intimate text message (only one message) that the suspicion started - his reaction to it was even more suspicious. He behaved like someone who is caught when they are stealing something. At that point, I too thought he slipped up in a moment of ecstasy. But then the female out there also is responding - she is going carpool with him (I have no doubts on that), because I actually saw him take a different route from the office( not towards the office at all), when I asked he said it's not my business. Why build suspense here? Something's brewing, but what is it? Is it gone too far? That's what I wonder. Should I trust him anymore? I don't want to break my marriage - definitely not, but his behavior is only fueling my suspicion. For almost a month I stopped eating properly - not deliberately it is the first time in life, I did not feel like eating or even get proper sleep. Finally, I felt confronting him with evidence - even if I get something will do no good, probably he won't even feel the guilt that he is feeling now. He would happily break it off, and that means I am at a loss again. All this made me want to strongly work in the positive direction rather than away from him. Still somewhere in the corner of my heart, it feels very painful that I could not make him happy, made him so desperate as to seek outside help. I know for sure something is there, but not exactly what. Even if it is plain emotional it is still hurting me. Why post this thread? Because it helps when I talk about it, I feel better. Slowly, I am going to let go of it, but I hope with time, he also stops this behavior and it does not take a worse turn.
     
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  2. PAR1NEETA

    PAR1NEETA New IL'ite

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    Hi :)

    I appreciate you approached to put your feelings on this forum so that you could find possible solutions to handle your situation.

    I understand you have doubts which triggered from your hubby's changed behaviour. i feel you have lots of questions in your heart and mind and you really need them answered and sorted.

    cannot completely gurantee this works or not, but if your husband is indeed cheating, trust me the other lady wont be able to have him for long and he will surely comeback to you. You need to be positive on what your action would be if the coin lands head or tail.


    As a wife you feel that your relationship is fall apart, but you guys are still living under one roof to fix it now so try your 100% to florish and bring good things between you. I can feel that you are the winner here..

    stay positive :):):)

    cheers
     
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  3. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Parineeta,

    I think I have not much choice in this matter other than hope for the best. As I mentioned before, all this matter brought was a resounding headache, loss of sleep, loss of health. The man who is doing all this is himself having a sound sleep and laughing within himself seeing the turmoil I am going through. Today I had my doubts clarified that there is something between them when he took a leave for the entire day, then took the trouble of going to the office to pick her up and then dropping her off her house and then going to school to pick up the kids. He said he would leave early and when I called 15 mins later he said he got held back and he just started. I had started by then and was almost near the school. Within 5 mins of the call he zooms by to the school past me. It is an obvious lie he was saying that he did not start from the office. I better believe I am the winner now, kill the hopes that he will be there for me, because that trust is no more there for me. Winner or not, I have to pick up my pieces and get going for the sake of myself and the kids. Trust once broken can never be regained and he has done exactly that. I don't know what is happening but I don't think my husband is the godly type guy who will do things for free. Both seem to be using each other. I see the way ahead and I don't think I am going to waste my sleep and energy on him anymore. It is really ironic that just when you realize what is true love, what is beauty and the truth, you are way too ahead to mend things, only thing you can do is not mess up things anymore.
     
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  4. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    You need to discuss the issue with him directly. Have a good chat and be clear that if there is any affair you would like to end the relationship. I feel that there is no reason to live with a guy who is not true to his wife and kids.

    What is the point in living with him with his infidelity? Please don't say for the sake of kids. When the kids grow up they would realise it whether you tell or not. Discuss with him and if that is the truth I don't feel any reason to continue living him.
    This is my opinion, you may differ.
     
  5. twinklingstar

    twinklingstar Gold IL'ite

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    omg op i m feeling so sorry for you.
    i myself feel there is something..not affair or cheating or might be there is some story unsaid.
    like might be u two had some arguments or fight which dint patched up ever and went worst with time.
    i think you should use all ur energy and thoughts ni positive way. even if we consider that he is attracted to that lady but ur love ur charm ur happy face ur attention (yes u have to put down ego or whatever is stopping u down for better future) towards him.
    behave like newlywed and give all ur love and time to him. it is not magic wand but will take time. u have ti keep patience.
    and keep full faith it will work. keep telling urself u will win and ur life will be happy and may u alll live a happy life.
    i personally feel that when in partners that gap comes in between whatever may be the reason someone will definately fill it up. so take some efforts in working and patching rather then just wasting ur thoughts dear. ur life is very valuable than anything else. so dont waste it in negative thougts .
    all the best
     
  6. sweety17

    sweety17 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    After reading your posts I think he is actually looking for ways to get away from the nagging super suspicious wife. As for his EMA, one person in his friend circle tips you off and you went about doubting and questioning him. You said it was only one message. But what is that message that made you decide he's having EMA. can you share that here if you don't mind.

    Probably he was flirting with that female and showing off, you know how men behave. I think men try to be careful till they are caught. But once caught they tend to do things quite openly. I mean after having 2 kids with you he is seeking for attention from another female. But in the mean time he gets cozy with you just to assure you that, that relationship is a passing affair may be!! He probably has no intention of leaving you/kids. As for that car pooling, I think you are looking into it more than necessary.

    And how can you even expect him to be open with you and tell you what that he is enjoying the attention he's getting from another female. Isn't that too much to expect. I would suggest give it a rest for now. Give him time to come around. His actions tell he has no intention of leaving you/kids. Don't keep nagging him. Its not you but that other woman who should be worried. But god forbid if he's really that shamelessly serious with her, then i think there's nothing that you can do. Either way you be mentally prepared. Go with the flow...Good Luck!!
     
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  7. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    sweety17,
    so far you are one of those sane voices I have heard. No, I am not super suspicious. Please tell me what I should think when my husband takes a holiday - something that he has never done in 10 years to be with someone. He goes carpooling and he *hides* that he is doing that - what is there to hide in a carpool? he hits a message that says something like I will be there wherever you want me to be and she also keeps pinging him time to time in the morning to remind of the carpool ride. As you mentioned he only got more bold and open after I started questioning him. So much so, now I don't want to even think of it, but with him in the house and me knowing that every now and then he goes out only to converse with her - you know the kind of feeling it gives me? I can't ignore him and I can't keep thinking of him. What a hard hitting lesson providence has given me. I learnt a few practical lessons from this - never ignore your husband, love your kids but don't go overboard to the extent that your husband feels neglected and unloved. When I first asked him about this, he said he was surprised that I was holding unto him, and he also mentioned "he was hanging me around his neck" for the past 10 years. That pretty much sums up his feelings towards me. Now all that he has got for me is sympathy and pity, definitely not love. As for me, I am getting nervous by the day. I love him very dearly and I love my kids as well. All these days, I was thinking I was doing a fine job. Now it feels earth shattering when I find there is someone else ready to do anything for him and given that I know his nature pretty well, he will not mind taking anything from her without any inhibitions. All this makes me feel sad. As for my parents, they keep repeating that I should not worry about this. I have stopped worrying, but still it bothers me that he is going to her every now and then frequently, it makes my stomach churn when I think of their interactions. Sometimes in my frustration, I feel why can't I go for someone else's affection, but I know that is very stupid. Whatever it is, it is not a situation that I thought I would land in. It takes sometime to pick up oneself and move on. I find it very difficult to remain calm and composed in this situation but that is the only choice I have. I have landed myself in a soup. I don't think the outcome of this situation will be decided soon - if it is positive, within a short time, given that those two will be interacting for quite some years to come and people keep changing their minds from time to time. After all these years of safety, I feel I have been thrown to the winds and I don't know how to cope with it.
     
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  8. sweety17

    sweety17 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    For that car pooling, you were saying he took a detour once towards her house and you immediately questioned him. I think men don't like to be questioned irrespective of the nonsense they do. We women have to put up with their nonsense for as long as possible. So after you questioned him, you know he sort of stopped liking to share any information with you. So he keeps that car pooling details as a secret because he thinks you anyways wont understand him in case he shares that info with you.

    As for that leave without informing you/anybody. Are you sure he spent the day with the other woman? Is that other woman married? I have actually seen stuff like this coz there are some ladies and gents in my office too who lie that they are going to work but instead take leaves and spend the day with the other office person whom they have EMA. But for sure both of them have no intention of leaving their respective spouses. Only they and God knows what they do by going out like that. But whatever, it is surely beyond our control isn't it? Even we know what's going on and keep thinking and feeling bad for their respective spouses. But is there anything anyone can do. It is them who has to realize they are cheating their beloved and trusted ones.

    Like I said OP dear, as for now I think DH has no intention of leaving you/kids. Of course now he will give dialogs and say he's pitying you and bearing up with you and all that. If he really had such a good heart to not break your heart by leaving you then he would not cheat on you or whatever he's trying to do in the first place. So don't get carried away or feel depressed for his words.

    Instead focus on grooming up yourself. Be cheerful. Dress well and carry yourself well. Physical appearance matters a lot now. And be nice to him don't even talk about that woman or look suspicious towards him. Start small but be steady. If possible do meditation to control your agitation and restlessness. Somewhere even you are at fault. Not really blaming you or anything but probably you were so caught up with office, kids, house duties that DH felt the need to get affection/companion from outside. So be cool and be so good that he gets compelled to come back to you and win your love and confidence back. Of course if you still have the heart to let things go and start afresh. Love and Prayers to you OP!!
     
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  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    I did not realize that you found a cheating text message.

    Whether there is proof or not it is clear that you are suffering a lot. I really feel you should talk this whole thing over with a real person. Maybe not your parents who may push you to compromise to save the marriage at any cost. Someone level headed, unbiased and trustworthy who can advise you objectively. I feel that is what you really need at this point.

    OP, I feel that when one feels so strongly about a situation as you do about this, then one simply cant remain passive as you seem to feel you ought to. I know that's because right now you dont know what to do. But dont just swallow all your feelings and go passive. Those feelings and suspicions need to be processed and addressed, otherwise they will corrode you internally. If at this point, you do nothing just because you feel you are in a position of weakness or helplessness, and because you feel you have no other choice but to accept the unfair situation then after some time you will begin to hate yourself. And that is not good.

    So go talk to someone in real life and try to figure out a way to deal with this problem. Wish you all the best!
     
  10. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    I am really amazed at how passive you are able to be. I admire that you have reached this stage where you are calm (atleast on the outside) about this whole episode and are not confronting him.

    If it was me, I would have brought the house down. He cannot tag you as a "suspicious" wife if this lady is the only person that you feel uncomfortable about. Do you feel uncomfortable about all the ladies that he interacts with? If the answer is no, then there is nothing wrong with you.

    I got a feeling that you are convincing yourself to be ok with this whole situation when there is NOTHING normal about this. Your husband is having an EMA. Or atleast there is a female in his life that you are uncomfortable about.

    Every husband and wife have an inner circle into which a thrid person (not even parents ) are allowed. No one should be allowed to cross that line. Have you ever told him "Its either her or me?" Are you afraid that he may choose her? If he does, you should consider that as your sign to let go of this relationship. He is right. You are just "hanging" in there in a relationship that he doesnt want .
    If the wife feels uncomfortable about a particular relationship, the husband should not go forward with it and vice versa. His wife has been his life partner and invested in a relationship. Use that power. Dont be just some onlooker when he is in control of the narrative here.
    Tell him that you will walk out with the kids. He doesnt get to keep the kids if he is the one messing up this relationship. It is high time you shake yourself out of this trance of "i hope nothing gets worse" and stand up for yourself.
     
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