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Betrayal And Hurt By Bil's Family

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by daisy1234, May 19, 2022.

  1. daisy1234

    daisy1234 Silver IL'ite

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    I want to pin down my painful experience which happened a year ago and not be able to forget the trauma I went through. I come from a huge family and very family oriented , got married to DH and came to the US. Main reason I agreed to marry him, for his extended family members and his elder brother live in the US and I have none from my side! I had initial hiccups when I was newly married and I was always considered as a stranger since they all marry within the family and I was the only one outside the clan. I was well educated, did grad school in the US and was successful in my career! None of them were happy about me for unknown reasons and I really took effort to connect with them and was determined to make them part of my family! Not sure if I was so naive to not understand the family politics and dynamics and I did let them hurt me in many circumstances. His brother’s family lived 5 hours away and we often visited each other and his brother was outwardly envious of me of my looks and how I started to work immed after I landed in the US whereas no woman in DH's family worked after marriage here in the US. When I was in grad school, he insisted my DH not to sponsor my education whereas DH stopped him saying - she was studying on her own money she earned and that shouldn't be any of his concern! Both brothers are born with in the same year and they had extreme sibling rivalry all their life due to the nature of the elder one who thought he was deprived of his parent’s attention because of my DH who was born with in the same year ( DH was more chubby, more social, well behaved kid and he was always pampered more by parents and their extended family where as elder bil was aggressive and bizzare, tried to hurt DH multiple times (fractured his limbs when DH was little, hid his study books during public exams, broke his first bike and the list goes on) They both did engineering in the same college but never spoke to each other for 4 years due to one unforgivable incident between them and their relationship got better only after they moved to US and when they both did grad school! Just a little history on their life

    Few years later - after my graduation I immed got a job and got pregnant at the same time ( when we informed his parents and Bil's family - there was nothing but a long pause - no congratulatory messages cos they weren’t expecting this news from us since his bro was married before us and yet to have a child) and unfortunately I miscarried in few months for unknown reasons! By that time they got pregnant and had a girl child and I had my baby a year later! I took a career break and was focussed on my DD. History repeats here - both girls are born within 12 months, both exhibited their dad’s characters ( let’s call Bill’s DD - Z, my DD - X) X is very fond of Bil’s DD - Z but there was always a friction even when Z was a child! She will keep pushing my DD whenever she sees my DD and when no one is around and we have taken my DD to ER and mri scan more than once due to some of her extreme actions when my DD was less than a year old! I had a good relationship with my sister in law although I thought it was and later realized she was the real nasty person in this! I didn’t want to create a ruckus those days and let go of many things that hurt my kid because I thought Z was just a child and would change as she grows and my child needs a cousin to grow up with and so I put up with it, I just reduced my frequency to meet with them! Fast forward I had my second kid after some years and they started to visit us often. During every visit, the first day would start with happy and chirpy kids running around and the next day is when all the drama starts - Z will say very mean things to my DD and often ends up making her cry! Though I and DH would be very hurt watching our DD in tears, we never raised our voice against Z since we thought it’s the parent’s job who should discipline their kid ( there were incidents my DH would clench his fists to control his anger cos he knows anything he says to Z, would not go easy with his brother) ! Not once - I tell you not once they raised their voice against her or stopped her from hurting my child! They always find some inner joy in exploiting my child and I always used to wonder why! It never occurred to me there might be something more to it!

    There were many incidents as they grew up together but last two incidents were the final straw in my life - Both were 8 and 9 years old and they were playing with some makeup app (apps for teens not for young kids) on my DD’s iPad and immed when Bil walked inside the room, Z threw the iPad to my DD and pretended to be not part of it. He looked at the ipad and started screaming at my DD so badly infront of all of us saying she was messing up Z’s innocence and teaching her bad stuff, how did she have this app on her iPad without parent’s approval and blah blah! My DD was standing in a corner holding onto her heart and was crying in pain and I and DH were stunned thinking she downloaded some crappy stuff without our knowledge, so it’s entirely her fault and not once we defended her and let the Bil went on and on how rotten my DD was ( meanwhile Z and my lil son were playing in one corner and my DD was crying nonstop in other corner) I was the worst mom who did not speak against them thinking my DD was the one who did wrong. Later that night I found out it was Z who forced my DD to download this app in spite of my DD saying it’s not age appropriate and they would get into trouble! But Z kept saying it was so boring to play with her and unless she downloaded it, she would not talk to her. When Bil started to accuse, my DD was in fear and crumbled whereas Z, knowing it all, exhibited neither guilt nor conscience and was happily playing and enjoying this! Next day - I went and spoke to Z’s mom saying it was never my DD who did it and Z forced her and can you make sure this doesn’t happen again for which she replied it was my DD’s fault since it’s her iPad and kids would say 1000 stuff but she has to be strong enough to protect her belongings and not involve in wrong doings just because others say so! I was shocked to hear her response but didn’t talk back and let go thinking I have conveyed the message and she would take care of it after we leave, like any mother would do! But later I found out that never happened!

    Next incident was in the basement where there were 4 kids 9,8,4 and a 8 year old boy ( neighbor friend) were playing a tagging game - where one will be covered with a fleece blanket and would run around to catch the kids who were frantically running on the couch and the bed. Only my DD and her lil brother(4 years) were getting caught alternatively and were asked to go inside the blanket everytime as catchers and meanwhile the other kids started throwing some stuff on the kid who was inside the blanket - what started as a pillow or soft toys later turned into craziness! Mind you this was in the basement where all the gym equipment, storage stuff, furniture were scattered and Z and the boy started throwing huge exercise ball on my DD and she was falling everywhere while still being inside the blanket and was hurt hearing their laughter whenever she fell - I only came to know next day about the game ! She was in extreme pain and wanted to stop this game but they both were never ready to do so and called her a grumpy, spoiled sport! This got escalated and they all came back running upstairs saying my DD was no fun to play with and she was always a cry baby and my DD kept saying it was not a fun game for her and she didn't want to play the game but those kids wanted to continue to play! They both did not let her even talk and were screaming at the top of their lungs and calling her tattle tale, grumpy and mocking her. I was in a hurry to leave their place and was packing my belongings but DD kept insinuating what they did was so hurtful and she explained only a part of the game where she said she was the only one who was losing the game since she had hurt her leg on a pillar and showing me the swollen wound and was not able to run like them and that was the reason she was falling and telling them not to continue this game. I went to the kids and asked them why they did not listen to DD even after saying she didn't like to play the game. They both started screaming again and saying they had so much fun and it was she who had no fun ( cos my DD and sometimes her bro were the catchers and not once those kids (Z and the boy)went inside the blanket) and while I was talking to the kids - Z's mom came and asked my DD - did you ever say 'STOP' while playing and DD replied ' I said Its hurting but I was inside a thick blanket and they couldn't hear me out for which she said then don't complain unless you said STOP, they wouldn't know. Hearing this, both kids (z and the boy) went hyper and started teasing dd even stronger and I left the place since it was time to drive back home. Later I came to know about the big gym ball that was thrown at my DD and she was falling multiple times and not once those kids helped her out, instead they were laughing and giggling everytime she fell on her knees and I turned furious listening to it all.. I called Z's mom immed next day and started to bring up everything that was hurting my DD and telling it's high time she starts to discipline her kid Z and give her consequences to what she has been doing to my DD. She was giving all excuses saying Z is a strong girl and they don't want to do anything that would change her bold, strong, leadership attitude and its needed in today;s world, blah blah. I was so mad and couldn't take it anymore. I decided I need to stand up for my DD and not take the fall anymore. I brought up all the hurtful incidents from the past and said - I am afraid to see Z running around with no guilt when my DD was shivering and crying hearing Bil's scream during the IPad incident. If I were in Z's place, I would be shivering and would have spoken upto save my friend or cousin and she replied Z was smart enough to tackle her dad and that situation and it should be my DD who should have spoken that night instead of crying and why do I find a problem with Z. All hell broke lose after that cos I realized she never once saw my DD as an innocent kid who loved Z all her life in spite of getting hurt and knowing all the mistakes of Z, she still defended every single thing and I cut the call and I started crying for so many hours not knowing how could someone have this audacity to talk to my face with no bit of remorse. After few days my husband called his brother to say - whatever happened recently was not right and not happy with way Z treats my DD and bil immed started screaming at my DH calling me all the bad names and was screaming I and my kids are never allowed in their house again and this really turned ugly the way he blew this whole situation on me and Dh was still maintaining his calmness and decided to drive to their place and talk in person. I begged him not to go and he didn't listen and went all by himself and when he landed, bil didn't even let him enter inside the house and threatened to call the police if he stepped in. DH wasn't expecting this treatment from them and was completely flabbergasted by their disgusting attitude, conveyed whatever he wanted to and returned.

    After hearing this, I went into a very dark phase where I couldn't take that my kid and my DH were treated so venomously by someone who I thought all these years as a family. For others, it may sound silly but I was pushed to a state where I went through deep depression and started taking anxiety pills. After 2 months, I focussed on my career and got back on my feet but this pain never leaves me. Even after a year it still hurts and I am waking up in the middle of the night in extreme pain. I didn't know how to get over this pain and I am awake at 4 am penning this today cos I couldn't share the whole story with my family since they cannot take what I went through esp my DD as she is the apple of their eye. I have been through immense trauma a year back in 2020 where I lost my grandpa during covid(he was my everything in life) and I found out I was pregnant the next month but had to abort due to unfortunate circumstances. I have experienced a lot of pain in the past but I was able to come out of it and no pain kept me awake like this one.
     
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  2. sweetsmiley

    sweetsmiley Platinum IL'ite

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    I can totally get your feeling..

    There is a wordings in Tamil ..
    Till 5 years they are brothers..
    Around 10 years they are Pangali(means kind of opposite person to share the properties only)...

    I would say whatever happened is better for you and your family in longtime.
    Because what happened to your DD physically or mentally is not good.. Kind of shivering because other person shouting, sorry to say you should have stood for your kid..

    if anyone raise voice against my kid at any point of time, i will not keep quiet.. i will shut them no matter it is...
    Even if they say my kid is wrong, i will ask my kid again what happened to ensure what really happened, still i wouldnt allow any one to shout on my kid.. I will give the punishment like timeouts/grounded or whatever is my call..
    No one has that rights..

    God gave this chance of cutting this toxic family from your life.. Else i couldnt imagine what and all ur kid need to face in future from Z..
    They want Z to be leader and X to be her follower/slave?? What do u expect X to be?
    You need to be strong then only your kid can be strong..
    Many families dont have single relative in US and still they are happy..
    Why are you going to depression...

    Have friends, go around with them..
    Just forget these people live your life happily..
    And never ever try to reconcile..
    its not good for your DD...
     
  3. daisy1234

    daisy1234 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks dear for reading such a long post. I realized it’s too big when I finished typing. Yes, I regret to this date, why I did not speak against Bil nor my DH. In Dh’s family, everyone is afraid of Bil cos it’s always his way or Highway. But in no way, it made sense to me why I followed other’s footsteps cos I basically come from a family where I take more important decisions and my voice is heard by all. That’s why it’s killing me even more since I invested in this relationship more years and was even ready to change myself to fit in! I wrote a post recently, where my DH got a remote job and wanted to move to place to find good friends since the place I live- people come n go and never stay longer so no really good frens around! All these years we were hoping for remote opp and waiting to pack our bags and move to Bil’s place since we had lot of common friends and families we know for last 15 years. I had to cut off from everyone after this incident bcos I don’t have energy to explain to people anymore! It all sounds stupid and makes me more pathetic to think why did I want them so much in my life even when I knew deep in heart it’s never been the case with them - it took them one incident to throw us off completely from their life! DH’s family never accepted me even today after 15 yrs cos I never fit their bills as a good bahu who cooks 3 meals and serves the husband in hand! Am very different and far ahead of them in everything in life and come from a family of big names but yet I was ready to change myself and in the process I let my kid suffer! Whenever she was around Z, we always saw a timid girl, kind, soft spoken who wants to be accepted by Z and never once stood up for herself! We both thought our girl is introvert and needs to come out of her shell and let her learn how to be strong from her own cousin. But this corona- online class opened our eyes, she was totally a different girl in her class and was really talkative, was a go to person all the time, friend’s mom’s were messaging me to have a play date with after seeing her talk through video and she was never afraid to talk anything to her teacher! That’s when I realized my big mistake, she was cocooned by me by letting her play with Z all her life since childhood. Both my kids never once talked about Z after the last incident and I am immensely proud of their resilience how they moved past on and I am the one who carry this pain! I wake up from nightmare of them and not sure why.. I am trying to find a closure of why/how this happened and couldn’t attain it!
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2022
    sweetsmiley likes this.
  4. sweetsmiley

    sweetsmiley Platinum IL'ite

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    Time will heal all the pain.. Just try not to think about that..
    so you will be fine..
     
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You need to stand up for your child as long as she has not done anything wrong. Your daughter needs to know that you will always have her back. When in doubt verify the facts first. Never allow anyone to scream at your child. Get the story from all sides first and then talk to your child in private.
    I would take your child to a therapist to make sure she has no lasting effects of these incidents. Often in Indian families kids bear the brunt of bad behavior from others and are expected to be the ones to adjust to everything. I have seen my American friends much more proactive about their kids’ mental well-being.
    And if you haven’t done so already please limit or cut off contact with these toxic people. Family is sometimes not all that it’s cracked up to be.
     
  6. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Silver IL'ite

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    Please be kind to yourself and your kids. Please don’t allow anyone to scream at your child. Even if she downloaded that app, your BIL has no right to scream at your child. Do yourself a favor and cut this BIL and his toxic family from your life. Just see this BIL as a childhood relative of your husband and nothing more, even then, he was mean, right ? ..Tell yourself that phase is over and you are done with it. Tell your child that life is short and we don’t have time for mean people and the drama that comes with it.. There are so many awesome people that matches our wavelength and can connect. It need not be family. Does your kid have close friends in her class ? Invite them over and let her enjoy with people who value and respect her.. Family does not mean we should take any c**p from them , period.
     
  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Your mental health and how this incidents have impacted your daughter is something which needs the most attention
    Both of you need to heal from this trauma
    I don't know including me why we women bend over backwards to make ILs happy
    Sometimes I have carried on my shoulder as if it is whole purpose of my life
    I wish you well . Please seek therapy .
     
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  8. daisy1234

    daisy1234 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for hearing me ladies. Yes, I needed to hear this and come out of this frame of mind where I go back and often think what if I were patient enough to handle it more gently since I lost them from life completely. But in the long run, I believe I have done good for kid and she is very chirpy and happy with tons of friends around our neighborhood and am seeing an extremely outgoing kid compared to earlier stages of her childhood which re-assures me I did the right thing!
     
  9. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Your bil is himself a prime example how a neglect in childhood is causing him life long revenge in his mind . Knowing all this you and your husband should stay away him and allow him to live peacefully. It is best interest of everyone that you don’t stay in touch with him .
    Honestly though I feel bad for your bil too who was ignored and not loved by his parents . I hope everyone involved find peace and stay away from each other .
     
  10. ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    What’s done is done . Forget you have family outside india as they give you more stress than relief . The history itself is in right direction .

    make friends and it’s good that they are few hours drive away . difficult to do but time will heal it . Forgive but don’t forget! Take care !
     

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