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Being Trolled And Bullied And Personally Attacked On Social Networking

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Needtobestrong, Aug 20, 2021.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I was previously not very active on social media...but recently started doing so and participating in various groups and communities of my interest, for example some technical groups for technical and job related openings, groups for cleaning and home decor, cooking related groups, parenting and school and education related groups, health related , travel related groups etc..

    It’s a long post, kindly bear with me...

    I am totally disillusioned and astonished by how people are being attacked in social networking sites like Facebook by random people..

    1. A discussion on educational and school related group in India..some parents remarked about how the school in which they enrolled their kid has unreasonably hiked their fees ( from 2 lakh per Annum to 3 lakh per annum or something ).. and they’re worried as the budget has exceeded their affordability etc...while some replied to the thread mentioning how to approach school management, few sympathetic replies from others going thru same thing..a few suggestions on better private schools with affordable fee...a few people commented sarcastically that if the parent can not afford private school fees why not put their kids in government school...it was so unnecessary.

    2. A travel related group..someone , a lady, has to travel to another city to care for family member or relative who is undergoing medical treatment and out some query related to travel ..so many guys immediately messaged the lady on FB messenger..personal messages asking for friendship and hookup..few replied to thread sarcastically that it’s because of people travelling like her that Covid is spreading..why should a woman who need some of travel for genuine reason be trolled..

    3. I posted on few job related group asking for questions about job openings and recruitment process of companies of my interest in field of my interest..the post had to be approved by an admin..I noticed that my posts were never approved...but few nonsense queries by other people were approved and posted on group..

    4. A parenting and child health group - there was an article about safety issue of leaving kids alone with maids and babies if both parents going out for work..and it was a kind of caution to parents to supervise any helps so they don’t commit any wrong doings..
    Few ladies commented on thread saying about how they wouldn’t leave kids alone with nannies..some commented that they left the job as they couldn’t trust baby with stranger...some commented that daycare is safer etc..that’s ok..
    One lady, she is a dear friend of mine..she is brilliant in academics and had a promising career which she left as she was severely ill during her pregnancy and had to take medical treatments for years after delivery..her husband and in laws are ill treating her and she is trying for job again without much success due to pandemic..she replied to the thread saying that moms need to be home with their children during the initial 6 months to one year to BF the child so that the child can get mother s feed..either by taking extra leave or working from home..and that parents can arrange for childcare with elders or daycare keeping in mind the well being and safety of the child ..and that companies can grant extended leaves to work from home to ladies who are unable to resume job immediately after maternity leave..I don’t find anything wrong in wht she commented as she is very particular about babies getting BF during first one year...
    So many ladies commented and attacked her on the post saying that she’s is useless and can’t get job, some said she is a parasite and dependant on her husband for money hence she is advising mothers to stay at home to look after their babies..some ladies criticised her saying that she is jealous of ladies who work and have kids, and she is an unfit mom if she can’t manage both...some accused her of being biased against working mothers..some accused her of doing gender discrimination..
    She called me up and told me how she was trolled..just the previous day her husband had yelled at her for not working and contributing to household income, and now this...being attacked personally on Facebook by random people..
    The admins of the group are useless, they don’t even moderate abusive posts..
    She was in tears and very upset and depressed...I consoled her and I too am feeling bad...

    Really, I’m amazed as to how bullying happens in real life and also online bullying happens on social media by random people who don’t even know you...
    I would rather post my problems anonymously on portals like indusladies where no one knows or judges me...else get info directly from known people ...what say?
    How do you handle online bullying on social media?
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2021
    chanchitra likes this.
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    any replies ..??? No one faced online bullying till now?
     
  3. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    People suck. Period. Now they can bloom behind a keyboard.

    As for lady who is Mom and doesn't work, I think Husband and Wife should do division of labor.

    I am looking at it from math perspective, 50-50. But from what I read on IL, women do 95, husband does 5, and he behaves like dictator.

    Woman has to work at home, work outside, compete with **** stars online, and be a good mommy.

    Husband has to be lazy, spoiled, self-entitled brat.

    No wonder there are posts where women say they choose to remain single!



    As for bullying in online forums, I am only part of IL, if someone disrespects me I report it. So far IL has done a good job.


    I don't use FB or Whatapp, cannot comment here.

    I hope this helps.
     
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  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for quick reply..the other instances of online bullying didn’t affect me as much as what my friend experienced..

    Really some ladies are such b******, hope those bullies suffer a lot for their vicious remarks and get it back hundredfold..

    It’s your personal decision to not use FB or whatsapp. Can understand reasons behind it.

    But just hope all online forums and groups on social networks have a good system of moderators so that negative and abusive posts are deleted asap and members warned and banned if making abusive remarks.
     
    SuiDhaaga likes this.
  5. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Online bullying is very common. Lots of social media platforms now.
    It's easy to bully behind a keyboard.
    Some people are just plain nasty.
    Some people find this as a way to vent their frustrations in life.
     
    shravs3 and Needtobestrong like this.
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The article looks like was a general one about the risks of leaving kids in unsupervised care of maids and some precautions parents can take. The comments from the ladies were about their own kids and about daycare being safer than maids. These didn't invite harsh responses.
    This lady, on the other hand, was:
    - suggesting what other new moms should be doing.
    - in a group that has working moms also, she said that "moms need to be home with their children for 6 months to 1 year."
    - she suggested options that probably the working moms already know and have tried.
    - she "is very particular about BF during first one year"

    Multiple wrong and insensitive moves by her on a topic that is an extremely touchy one for many women. She can be particular about breastfeeding, and can make her choices, and write about her struggles and how she dealt with them. Once she starts advocating her choices to other moms as the "better" or "ideal" choice, she should expect the responses she received.

    She is your friend so maybe you don't see how her comments can hurt other mothers. Imagine a new mom who tried everything to continue breastfeeding but finally had to give up for whatever reasons. To stop breastfeeding a baby, esp. for reasons other than low milk supply, is one of the most gut-wrenching decisions a mother can have to take. For such a mother to have to read your friend's well-intended yet unbelievably cruel comments can be like a kick in the gut when she is sitting at work, already dealing with daycare-guilt and sleep derivation.

    She commented in detail on a very personal choice the other moms have made. She listed ways in which they can achieve what she believes as the ideal choice. Why then be surprised or upset to receive a dose of her own medicine?

    Her post must have left many working moms upset and depressed and in tears. Should admins consider her post as abusive too? In a conversation about nannies/maids/daycare, she brought up the benefits of breastfeeding?

    When personal life is filled with strife, it is better to lay off hot topics in social media. The line between them gets blurred and the hurt from personal life mixes up with the pain wrought by social media.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2021
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  7. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    @Needtobestrong this bullying happens everywhere...no exceptions. For eg...you are here to find some solace and just think if 8 out of 10 replies are pointing out your mistake, you would not like it and will feel bad. So please change your attitude and go with the flow from now. If you want weightage for your views, be more polite in language usage (ignore this if you already are !) agree to disagree with others and say..hey...I totally understand your POV but I also do feel this is my understanding....

    Also, enter with a pre-conditioned mindset to encounter these attacks and you will come up with your own strategy to deal with it.
     
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  8. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I understand your pain. But simple rules dear, never tell in a group where ladies discussing day care options, nanny care, kids safety etc etc that moms should be with their babies for 6 months or 1 year. However correct it may be, some of the working moms cannot take it lightly. Because they already know it and most probably they don’t have other options. It’s similar to telling a stay at home mom that she should try for a job. I personally know some ladies, who were not able to quit because of house loans, and other valid personal/ family reasons. They get fiercely defensive when someone talk about how babies should be cared for the first year.

    I am not justifying anyone’s bad words to your friend here... But these are the evil packages that come with the social media. All the piled up frustrations and anger are dumped on the strangers. Better to join groups where people have mutual respect and can agree to disagree.
     
    Needtobestrong and MalStrom like this.
  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, bullying is never right. But one has to be careful how their words may be construed online where there is no nuance and no personal relationships to help people understand the history of what is being said. If one states a strong opinion as fact then someone else might feel compelled to defend their own position. It is very easy for these debates to spin out of control.
    In your friend’s case she should not have made her opinion public because it sounds like she was putting down others who did differently from her. Not every woman is fortunate enough to take an entire year off to be with her baby. And some women are not able to breastfeed despite their best efforts, while others do for a short time or choose to exclusively feed formula. There is no right or wrong way as long as the baby is fed.
    When someone says their way is the only way or better than what others are doing it comes across as judgemental and its natural to become very defensive.
    The only correct way to raise a child is the one that works for you and your family. It is best to refrain from offering opinions about such loadrd topics to strangers. Hopefully your friend understands this now.
     
  10. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Rihanna, I have come across many of your posts on IL and had earlier liked many of them.
    But this time I beg to differ.
    My friend tagged me in the post and I too went through it..
    She has actually not said that mom’s “should” be home for first one year...
    Actually she has mentioned that “it’s good if mom’s are able to stay with the baby for first six months to one year “, she has mentioned that it will be helpful for babies to get the Mothers milk, either directly if mom is BFing or by expressed or pumped milk too..
    She also mentioned that companies can be flexible in allowing mom’s to take extended leave or wfh if baby is too small and they’re unable to get reliable childcare immediately.
    She had mentioned also, that nannies are safe if supervised by parents or other family members and about some options of CCTV cameras that can be installed.
    Seemed quite ok to me.
    The ladies who replied could have been firm and polite...
    They could have asked her to delete that comment if they didn’t like or if offended or hurt by it...
    It is not my friends fault if those ladies are working and couldn’t get childcare leave or they have loans to pay off...they took the loans not she.
    Those ladies could have just asked admin to delete the comment.
    Simple.
    But these personal attacks and insults against her were uncalled for.
    She is not simply sitting at home and eating sleeping and enjoying her husband’s salary..
    She is slogging day and night, looking after a small toddler, cooking, waking up at odd hours, taking strong medications for her chronic health issue and suffering the side effects, putting up with her husband’s verbal abuse, in laws dramas, etc.
    She is sleep deprived too...her body aches and her hair is falling off.
    She got a job offer and it got cancelled due to reasons beyond her control.Her marriage is on the rocks. She was under severe depression.

    I’m also a very occasional user of social media like her so I too was shocked. I m a private person and I use such platforms only to keep in touch with close friends, classmates and close relatives.
    I would never justify online bullying. Just report or remove a comment if you don’t like it. Or request moderator to do so.
     

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