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Being submissive to DH - how good is it in a marriage ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by CuteShraddha, Apr 10, 2010.

  1. CuteShraddha

    CuteShraddha New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends...i recently read in one of the posts in IL about being submissive (or should i say "pretending" to be submissive) to DH. It sounded like if a wife pretends being submissive to her DH on all matters, in sometime she will eventually win his confidence (not sure if it means his "heart" too :) ) and things will turn out to be in her favor in due course wherein DH will seek her views in all life matters & have complete trust in her.

    I was taken by surprise when i read this post but then it also made me think, reason being there are differences between me and my DH on many matters offlate. So wanted to seek your views about this and if possible with your personal experience on how you made it possible.

    Waiting to read your views
    -- Shraddha
     
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  2. sabarimathi

    sabarimathi Gold IL'ite

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    Shraddha,

    it's like chanakiya thanthiram. One may bend , stoop so low, loose one's own dignity, sel-respect , blah, blah, blah ........... for a while , but the goal should not be lost focus of. See, it 's like this; what did we do in school / college days when a particular subject wouldn't get into our brains at all? We strived hard, approached our lecturers for easier tips, group study ........ but the goal was not forgotten!

    Sacrifice to the fullest extent, but make sure it doesn't go unnoticed, but gets duly rewarded. JMO>
     
  3. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

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    How does being submissive ultimately lead to winning his confidence?

    In my experience, both DH and I were fairly clear about what we were looking for in a mate: friend, philosopher and guide (and it doesn't hurt to have the funny bone as well...). :cheers

    If being submissive is not throwing your weight around, respecting them for what they are, and accepting that there will be times when you won't agree with him but nonetheless let them do it... then yes. But in a relationship, you are also going to stop them doing something stupid, and call them on their mistakes if it gets to that... that kind of relationship is the most fun/meaningful.

    I like Gibran's quote that says something like "Let there be spaces in your togetherness..." don't kill the essence of what you are in trying to please some one else. Why pretend to be something when you are not?
     
    Ansuya likes this.
  4. SmartandSweet

    SmartandSweet New IL'ite

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    I think 'supportive' instead of 'Submissive' is a better word. If your DH gets a sense of supportiveness from you in general i think his trust and affection will be more long-lasting, i can say the same thing goes for us women too we love our husbands and find them most attractive when we find them supportive (not submissive :crazy) Moreover if you work on submissive then that becomes your normal approach towards him and any small confrontation or suggestion would appear to be a big opposition to him. Lets face it we are not going to agree 100% with our husbands on everything but we can certainly prepare them (and ourselves too !!) for the differences without compromising on our respect and dignity and theirs too!! I hope it makes sense, it does to me :thumbsup
     
  5. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Dont pretend. Be truthful.
     
  6. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Marriage is an equal partnership.I do call my husband Suniye equivalent in our language.That doesnt mean he has an edge over me and I am being submissive.I call him aap similar becoz my parents insist I do and it doesnt bother me to call him as such.But thats about it.

    There is no such thing as being submissive will bring the spouse to listen to us. Thats a bad action plan. We will be cheating ourself doing it. Sooner or later we have to remove the mask and become our own person. The point is will the husband be ready for our real self. Maybe they like the submissive self of wife. Then the damage done is not reversible.Who will be at loss.The wife who put on a mask .We shud be ready for both results. It might work and not. Are you ready for both is the question.What if the wife has to be submissive forever asked by husband?Can we go on living like this?No.Then who gave the husband the idea of a submissive wife. Its us.So we will be responsible for creating the monster.

    I dont know but I feel being submissive also robs us of our self respect. Not a good move at all.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2010
  7. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    I would put it as "Accept your DH how he is to win his confidence. " That is not being "Submissive". I would call it as "Acceptance".

    Be true. Pretending/sacrificing/compromising won't help. That will only make you lose your self-respect.
     
  8. CuteShraddha

    CuteShraddha New IL'ite

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    Thank you dear ILites for your views.

    I still can't make a clear difference between 'Accepting DH for who he is" or "Being supportive all the time" with "Being submissive". Think its all the same. In any case, we can do that only if we suppress our views and start accepting his choice in all matters.
    Your views on this please ...:confused2:
     
  9. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    In the interests of clarity and moving this discussion along, here is a quote (followed by link to source) that explains what "submissive" means in the context of relationships.

    "submissive (or passive) behavior means shying away from saying what you really mean and not seeking to achieve your needs, particularly when someone else has conflicting needs."

    Submissive behavior
     
  10. sabarimathi

    sabarimathi Gold IL'ite

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    hi shraddha,

    U were referring to one of our ILites posts........ An important phrase i felt was missing - whether or not to have a smooth married life . My choice is submissiveness with righteousness. I too remember one such post by our ILite. Patience, perseverance, submissiveness may not yield our way initially, but will in the long run- My own experience.
     

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