Being Eldest DIL - plus and minus post here

Sreyavas · Jan 28, 2010

Hello IL Ladies,

I thought of this thread to get some answers and clarify doubts to my questions.

Well ! I want to know how many of you are eldest dil's staying far away (USA) from inlaws and the younger ones in india looking after the inlaws,and

hearing all the:rantfrom your inlaws saying ---

Being the eldest son and( dil) you are far away not taking care of us , Left us , you are not here when you are needed in emergency.

whenever you call india relatives saying what are you doing there ? you should be here taking care of your mother all the younger ones are taking care and you are not even thinking of coming to india. (nothing is more important than mother) :rotfl

your bil's and sil's telling your hubby to come back india and take care of mother and father being the eldest it is your responsibility.we are doing it becoz you are far away.

Moreover younger ones (BIL's and SIL's) behaving as if they are doing a favor for you(eldest ones). as if you guys forgot your responsibility or avoiding it?

your( mil) saying atleast send( dil) and kids to india to stay with us becoz we don't know when we are gonna die and as it is hard for you to send more money to india becoz of kids and other expenses....:crazy

is being eldest (dil) adv and disadv? being the eldest son have no life to live his own ?is taking care of parents only eldest responsibility not the rest of the children?:bonk

Frnds! pour in your solutions for this problem ? Is going back to india is the right solution?

waiting for your responses very soon!

thanks in advance

sreya.

Nandshyam · Jan 28, 2010

Hey chill..mistakes happen don't sweat !!!

Happy IL'ing

Arunarc · Jan 28, 2010

Hi Sreya
I have deleted your sorry post as it is our duty when a member posts in the wrong place we move it to it's appropriate place as Nandhu say just chill......

Ok now to your post I am eldest DIL of the house and also DD in my mom's place. I can understand what you are going through. This happens to many including me. But we can't do anything.
I send monthly expenses to my FIL& MIL so at present no one tells anything but now these younger ones have come to such a situation that they are not taking care of they own parents. We sitting so far off what can we do. I have asked my PIL to come and stay here with me but they do not wish to come here. Everything can't happen according to the younger's wishes, but I feel sorry for my PILs so when I go there I do not go anywhere just be with them and spend time with them. That is all I can do at present I am also out of India from last more then 10 years.
Sometime I feel being elder is curse so many responsiblities even little bit goes wrong you will be blamed for it. So many days I use to think it is my duty to takecare of everyone and i did so but in return when you don't get appreciation for what you do then you think of changing yourself and do what your hearts wants you to do. So now what they say to me I just ignore and just do my duty you like it or leave it.
So being elder just do your duties and look after your responsibilites and ignore what others say to you do not pay attention to those things only then you can stay peacefully that is what I have learnt in years.

Sreyavas · Jan 29, 2010

Aruna (Moderator),

Well done! sometimes i also feel the same way like being elder is a curse cannot have fun or escape or avoid like the younger ones .

it's like "do and pay for doing".

you're right ! Ignoring is better rather than worrying. like the saying in telugu" paddavadu yeppudu cheddavaadu kaadu".

Cheers
sreya.

Priya16 · Jan 29, 2010

Sreyavas,

It doesn't matter wether it's a elder one or younger one staying here.Either way you have to hear those words.

My husband is a younger one and he has two brothers.What we hear is they don't expect to take care of mother but they do expect to share our property equally.If not then we have to come back to india to take care of mother.

We do spend lot of money for her monthly expensives but still they wanted to give us lakhs of rupees or some properties.After all this dramas recently we have given away one good land in prime location to one of BIL then things gotten little soft.

My husband doesn't have any issue to giving to his brothers because his brothers.Coming to me,I felt better to give away some property rather than dealing with this mess .Atleast me and my kids will have some peaceful life here.

Renu1999 · Jan 29, 2010

I have discussed my situation here. I dont think there is any plus for being a eldest DIL

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/78829-i-feel-bad-being-first.html

Sreyavas · Jan 29, 2010

Hi priya,

it looks like being in foreign land itself creating problems for us maybe , becoz of the so called $$$$$$$$.

the ppl staying in india think that here we are earning for them and got right to have a share in our property (hard earned money ) we earn as savings for our future but they want to make their future better by saying " you are in america and earn in $$$ we in Rs and struggling hard and all the rates have gone up. 1 person income how much savings can i do? and lots of expenditure goes in mothers and fathers medicines, treatments in this way they try to get more and more from us as much as they can .

even my (bil) earning good income still expected from us to buy new apartment for him . my (sil) expects a present from us always when we go to india either money or gift ? why should we give her always?
she has no shame to ask like that ?

i know it is our responsibility to take care but still even after helping them in so many ways ,in any case if we need help i am sure they will never step forward. becoz we will be leftout with nothing much with us . and moreover as we are living faraway all the properties will be shared by the ppl staying nearby who looked after them not the ppl who sent the money (we) .
finally we will have nothing . it happened in our case .

Renu,
-------
Right dear ! being elder all sacrifices , responsibilities , rules, and always elder ones have to follow .

once we sent home 5lakhs for (mil) treatment , just imagine what kind of a person she is ..........., one day she called her son (hubby )and tells send more money to home and when my hubby asked her few days back i sent so much and is everything spent. my (mil) told him i used that money to buy some gold for your sisters as the gold rate is less nowadays.

now i have no money for my treatment and i have to go to doc as i am having lot of pain . now where will we get money to send again and again? if we took out all our savings and send for her she will be happy , if not she will curse us , say bad about his son and dil and after marriage he changed a lot . (mil) tells everyone my son does'nt have money to send me for treatment ,how many times and how much should i send you? all blaaaaaaaaa.

they will never change we need to change and make them straight.

so it is time to be little selfish for our future.

luv
sreya.

ShilpaMa · Jan 29, 2010

Sreya,
Look at another category ppl like me.. married to only son & u'll feel cherished..
Since my mom faced pressures/ sufferings on being the eldest DIL she always thought that either a yngr or single son will have lesser issues in life.

After seeing my case.. she simply says "I guess I got only 50% in my entire life of wht u already got till now.. I can appreciate my MIL now!!"

kma · Jan 29, 2010

Being a DIL itself leads to facing such behaviours. I agree with you Shilpama. My sisters are elder DILs in their houses and I am the youngest DIL. But basically there seems to be no difference in expectations and in my case, I even have to humbly please my cosis(according to her, I am a tiny baby, if possible whose mental growth is much lesser than her daughters also) which I dont do anyways which leads her to comment that I am arrogant. I wonder how many younger cosis have to to put up all this.

Priya16 · Jan 29, 2010

looks like being in foreign land itself creating problems for us maybe , becoz of the so called $$$$$$$$.
Click to expand...

That is true 100%.
Because they don't pay the taxes and they don't have lot of insurances and all those thigns.So they really don't know what get's cooked here.What all they knows is we are earning $ and they need some.If not start emotional abuse.