Beefsteak Tomatoes

I wasn't sure how our relationship was going nor could I ask. So, when she unexpectedly said,

"When you come to see me in the summer, I am sure you will get New Jersey beefsteak tomatoes.",

her words sounded like music to my ears.

"Honey, I will bring not just beefsteak tomatoes, but a whole damn farmer's market from my state, if that's what you want", I thought to myself.

I have to provide some sort of a context. I lived in New Jersey at a time. She lived in Baltimore, Maryland, where she worked as a teacher. Her aunt lived in my town in New Jersey and she had met an Indian doctor couple there. She had asked them whether they knew of any single Indian men and that's how she and I met. New Jersey is called as the Garden State, though I associate it only with the foul smell of Elizabeth, NJ, with its many pharmaceutical companies. I didn't know that people think of New Jersey tomato as a treat. On my drive to Baltimore, I would pass many outdoor farmers markets and it would be a five minute job to pick up some tomatoes that she liked.

Obviously, I was single at that time and interested in getting married. And, even though there were a lot of differences between us, I had never met anyone like her and was quite attracted to her. In a situation like this, people would point to her white skin as the obvious source of attraction. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is her personality that attracted me to her -- as I said, I had never met anyone like her. Raised the American way, she was comfortable taking responsibility for herself -- she asked the Indian doctor couple to introduce Indian men to her. She felt comfortable calling me and would return my calls. All this may not seem like much but to understand the attraction of this, one has to understand the dealings with the Indian women I was coming into contact with. A North Indian colleague at work mentioned once that he knew a Tamil girl I might be interested in, he would talk to her, and give me contact information. He came back the next day, rather disappointed, to say,

"I am sorry. She says, 'If he is interested, let him talk to my dad. Why does he want to talk to me?'"

This girl had just completed a PhD in the US after several years stay here. Even my friend was surprised at how reticent and insular she was. [I don't blame her. The rat is always right. But I vastly preferred rats that would return phone calls and would feel comfortable talking to me, as we explored the possibility of a relationship. In other words, I wasn't looking for a white rat in particular ]

I was getting hot and heavy into B.F.Skinner at that time and would talk about him to my teacher friend. This is the only topic she found hard going and gently let me know that she found it hard to listen to. I loved the way she handled it. She did give me a copy of Skinner's "The Technology of Teaching", which she had to study for a course and which she never understood. Ever practical and nothing but practical, I gave her a copy of Madhur Jaffrey's An Invitation to Indian Cooking, in return.

"I think that I can learn to cook this, if I am not criticized", she said. She was looking ahead and seeing whether this will all work out, every step of the way. Her brother happened to come by. She showed her brother my "gift", saying,

"See what I got!", with a smile. Her brother was going to college but was staying with her during the breaks. She told me that she cooked and her brother washed the dishes. Seeing my slight discomfort at hearing this, she said,

"But, he eats too."

We did the normal dating thing, going to restaurants and other public places. In some ways, she was more mature than me -- this was also an attraction for me. I had always thought that I would work till the day I died. I asked her what her dream life would be.

"To be independently wealthy", she said. I had never thought along these lines. She didn't like her work much and complained about it. I am sure that one of the reasons she was interested in me was because I made a comfortable living as an engineer.

She was a psychology major in college. It was just a degree for her and not the life changing passion it was for me. "Sociology is the easiest degree. Psychology is the second easiest degree" she said. Like a lot of women of her generation, she kept herself busy in college, perhaps hoping to land an "Mrs." degree, before she needed to put her academic degree to use. This didn't happen. I don't know why. The major social changes in the US of the sixties no doubt had something to do with this. Like a lot of people, she was very surprised at the intensity of my interest in Skinner and psychology. "So, you are a Skinnerian, huh?" was about all she could say. While I was academic and theoretical, in a practical sense, she was a better "psychologist" than I. While I got into psychology mainly to understand myself, soon the academic interest in it took over. [It is said that Sigmund Freud was not very smart in dealing with people and that he gave loans to people which he never got back.]

As mature as she was in many ways, she was also quite naive in some other ways. Things men readily understood, she didn't. This brought out the protective instincts in me.

We talked about a lot of things, including having children. In other words, we were exploring and setting the terms of our endearment. She was of German origin. I wanted nothing more than to impress her in every way possible. I know a couple of phrases in German, a couple in Mandarin Chinese, and a couple in Russian, and would try to get maximum mileage out of this pitiful supply. I said

"Auf wiedersehen"

to her once, half jokingly, but hoping to get some sort of an acknowledgment and appreciation at my cosmopolitanness. Not only my bookish pronunciation made it hard for her to understand me, but it was such a trivial phrase that as I was saying it, I wished that I could take it back. But to my delight, she let me off the hook with a smile.
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I need to provide some sort of a denouement. Perhaps at another time.

I did give her Skinner book back to her.

 

> So, is she the "Fair Lady" you've been telling us about????
(Illai athu vera kadaiya)

So many women, so little time

The teacher is American. I met her after I had been in the US for about 5 years.

The Fair Lady is my 4th grade classmate's older sister. She is Tamil/Telugu. I met her when I was in 4th grade.
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One of the reasons I wanted a blog in IndusLadies was to write about this teacher friend. By the way, she didn't like to be called as my "schoolteacher" friend. Since I don't want to mention her name here, this will have to do.

As mature as she was in many ways, she was also quite naive in some other ways. Things men readily understood, she didn't. This brought out the protective instincts in me.

 

> older sis means she was elder to you??

Fair Lady is about two years older than me.
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> >As mature as she was in many ways, she was also quite naive in some other ways. Things men readily understood, she didn't. This brought out the protective instincts in me.
>Is the above also about her.

No, this is about the teacher. I tried to make it clear, by having a dividing line. Everything below the line is about one person, the teacher.

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One of the reasons I wanted a blog in IndusLadies was to write about this teacher friend. By the way, she didn't like to be called as my "schoolteacher" friend. Since I don't want to mention her name here, this will have to do.

As mature as she was in many ways, she was also quite naive in some other ways. Things men readily understood, she didn't. This brought out the protective instincts in me.

 

Told you that Krishnamurthy didn't have a complicated life

Also, I didn't tell you, ஒழுங்கா மரியாதையா My Fair Ladyய படிங்கன்னு

 

> After seeing how Saras addresses you, I am now confused

I am in my low sixties [though I seldom act my age, at least according to the Indian norms ]

Either Sojourner or Sir is fine. At work, everybody calls me by my first name -- this is the American system. Obviously, "Sir' is very respectful and I appreciate it. I would rather build friendships with people based on my personality rather than get respect just due to my age.

> I read the last comment and guess if I read the "Fair Lady" I would understand..

No. I haven't written about the denouement yet. One reason I have delayed writing about this relationship is the fact that I didn't want to write about how things went in the end yet. Nothing terrible happened but it would distract from the rest, which was a lot of fun to live and almost as much fun to write about.

I will write about how things went in the end one of these days. I didn't want to keep people hanging -- that's why I mentioned the part about giving the book back. I grew some from the relationship. We both liked each other being very honest -- I certainly did.

> I have heard many girls saying that thinking that it will make them sound as a very "Good girl"

This particular girl seemed to be genuinely afraid of taking ownership of her marriage related decisions. Two different people told me about her, at different times. It simply wouldn't have worked for me. A few years later I met her at a party, in a different town, to which I had moved. I knew it was her but she didn't know I was the guy involved in this brief nothing-to-it incident. I observed her out of curiosity. I had gotten married by that time. She was still single. She was quite loud with her friends. I had no regrets that this didn't go anywhere.