Beating children at home for mistakes : Act of abuse or disciplining ?

Laks09, buddy don't be so harsh on yourself. i can really relate to what you are trying to convey. no body is going to judge about the way you are parenting. sometimes you need to scream or yell and other times you go silently holding your heart in your hand praying to hundred gods that your kiddo is safe..you age a 100 times in that moment. been there.

i bit my son so hard that he had marks on his hand for so long..that does not make me a worst mom. let me explain the whole scenario. a relative was holding my son. i was sharpening the pencil for my DD. you know how pencils are ..you drop once they are useless sharpening with a sharpener. i was using a blade.. i was careful. i never knew when my relative came to stand so close to me. and as is common with my hyperactive son even at 8 months, he just jumped off to catch the blade in his palm...there was blood everywhere..and believe me it was so difficult to open his palm to get the blade out of his hand to stop the damage.. i bit his hand so hard that he dropped it.no amount of hitting him helped..i had to really bite him..somebody from outside would say, where you could have held the wrist and rapped on the hand,you have abused your son..and only i know how hard it was to get him open his palm..that strong at 8 months, i seriously wonder..that we had to take him into emergency and the bleeding never stopped, and they could not stitch his palm in the center and that there was a gash that was so deep and caused nightmares is another story. what i want to tell you, only the one who has to go through it will understand. so don't beat yourself too much going by the opinions on this thread.

i have lost my son not once thrice . his fascination for cars, and if he can open a car, he will sit inside that and that was the time we did not have one of our own, but lived in the area where every flat had one. you open the door, he zips out and into one car within the blink of the eye. he has crossed the national highway in the nations's capital just to get back into the car, giving us all a slip..i know many would judge me for losing my attention. imagine my plight with a child who can't talk even at 3. believe me, it was never easy with a child who could balance himself on a glass, yes seriously stand on glass or on a rolling ball balancing himself. he would stand on a ball or a glass (the one you give him milk) to peep from the balcony. you know there is a chance of his falling down. you can scream at him or you hold your heart praying for his safety and lifting him off that area..

the ones who give you those stares or who are judgmental are not going to help you in case of some issues like your child getting hurt. then you are judged for not giving him one and taking control of him. it is more like the man,son and the donkey story..you do you are .. you don't you are ...

AS long as you know what is right for your child and a mom who knows the difference between discipline and abuse, is not going to hurt her child.. so hugs and happy parenting.. i don't care if somebody calls me hitler or the devil incarnate, i would do anything to protect my child. if that means a spank i would..and if i am going to be judged for it, so be it.

 

coming to the topic, there is a very thin line between discipline and abuse. i also strongly believe, the scars of physical abuse fade away better and faster than the emotional abuse you go through as children. not that i am advocating physical abuse.

I have witnessed this, and i have really blown the roof when it happened 8 years back. . A neighbour who did not have patience to handle her small girl. the small girl was making too much fuss, scattering food all over the place. the neighbour lost her control. she went into the kitchen...heated a spatula and put it on the thigh of the girl happened in a few minute even before i could understand what was going on the girl screamed and ran to me. comes to me crying in pain and complaining and i still think abuse and that scene.the girl was 3.


just want to point that abuse in any form is abuse..verbal or physical.
and as parents or adult in the equation, we need to understand and act and not be impulsive or venting out the anger/frustation on the helpless child. discipline is intentional, you know the reasons, you know the consequences and you know the limit. abuse is when you are not in control of yourself. and being in control makes all the difference.

as i always say, it very difficult for the child to reach and touch our head unless we lift them or bend to allow access. bending or kneeling to their level, and giving them the comfort and the confidence in the relationship goes a long way instead of pushing, hitting them to reach without any support.

Giving ourselves time-outs as we give our kids works wonders. the worst punishment i have given my kids is not talking with them. seriously i have been told that i could even hit/spank them a few times but not give them this punishment. so when it cross the time-out zones, i stop talking..it is been working. not that i have not lost my cool or i have not screamed or rapped a few times. well done that too, not proud but parenting is all about learning on the job, you learn to handle the pressure, the frustation and understand the best way to tackle the job, well it is another story that by the time you are good at the job, your child moves to another testing milestone..

 

"i also strongly believe, the scars of physical abuse fade away better and faster than the emotional abuse you go through as children. not that i am advocating physical abuse."

Shanvy, the scars of any abuse will not fade away may be the finger prints or wooden scale prints or neem tree stick prints fade away. After so many decades my husband still tease his mom what she did when he was 2 years and so on.. And also if we compare with any kids of same age in the family and put our kids down, that is the worst thing that a mother can do to their kids. Not good

 

What I felt, generally the awareness and the education about the innocence of kids is not enough for the mothers. Before they plan for baby they have to educate themselves how their life is going to be with kids. How their own routine of life will interrupt and how much they have to sacrifice their life for their kids and how much attention kids need from their parents how to plan for the day to spend a quality time with the family etc.... Kids now a days play with their toys very limited what ever toys they play they want either of their parents to involve in their imaginative play, tell stories etc..

So its really very important to educate ourselves to know what we can expect from our kids at different ages and how to deal with them without any abuse and avoiding too much negative atmosphere. My thoughts!

 

I have found that hit children is not the way to go. But my son does know that if you are not behaving punishment will be doled out, ie: no tv, no play with friends, or have to sit in timeout. I have found that this works.

I also talk to my son. He listens to me.

Parents need to find other ways to talk with their children. It is important to have that bond. Hitting is not the answer, it just creates more problems down the road.

 

Dharmesh it's a very good thread indeed. Me and my brother were never beaten up by our parents. But one of our older cousin, he is more than 20 years older than us, my mom almost raised him when she was in her teens and he was a baby, so my mom was really attached to him and treated him like her son, he used to hit my brother like anything on the name of disciplining and we hated him. My dad was always super cool with us. Now my above mentioned cousin is in his mid 50s and has 4 children he never raised his voice to them and I always ask my mother why he used to beat us and never say a word to his own children even when they are super naughty. Me and my brother hated mom for being an audience to my brother being beaten.

my husband was always badly beaten by both of his parents, once when he was just a kid some relative visited and his mom told him to wish the relative and my husband was just being naughty my husbands mom hit him badly first with her shoes and then with a cricket bat. Omg that was too much, he was beaten every now and then. All this beating never did him any good. It took his self esteem away. He started feeling whatever his parents do is good, even when they were super wrong.

Now we have a 2.5 year old daughter. She is a well mannered little girl. She is loved but not indulged or spoiled. These days I am facing huge sleep problems with her, she is better now but all this has caused me sleep apnea and I am not able to sleep well. Lack of sleep is driving me crazy and recently I started yelling a lot and she would never come to me. She always wanted to go to her daddy, would turn her face and tell her daddy, let's not talk to mommy, she is grumpy. I had to put myself together and stop that madness. Now even when I am grumpy and she is pressing my buttons I go to the bathroom wash my face or drink a glass of water and then talk to her or tell her to give mommy a big hug that calms both us down. I wish older generation knew the importance of hugs and love. My dad always hugged us a lot and we are really very attached to dad as compared to mom.

I do not support beating or yelling. Love and encouragement work wonders. I beleive those people who beat there helpless little children, can they even beat them when they are grown ups? In India it's very common to hear do not beat or scold your child now he is almost as tall as you or a grown up that makes me think are they scared of getting it back from the child when he grows up or it's ok beat small helpless children but not grown ups cause they might try to defend themselves .

 

Laks09 You are a very good mother dear. People are not aware of how helpful and safe restarining and leashing is for a toddler. I have a cousin whose son is autistics and I have a fairly good idea what you must be dealing with. A pat on the back to you. I have travelled alone lot with my daughter. I often used to use that safety harness around her shoulders which you can also call a leash. She was two then and would not stand still, you can imagine how chaotic it can get at the airport with a toddler who has just learnt to walk. I was frowned upon at the airport and then my own mom started giving me a lecture that I should not tie my child like a dog. I did not even feel the need to explain the use of a safety harness to my mom. People do not even know what your journey is all about. Lots of love to your little man.