Beating children at home for mistakes : Act of abuse or disciplining ?

nuss · Aug 2, 2014

Laks- there is a difference between yelling your child's name to avoid him/her getting hurt and that is a natural instinct. We all do that and that's not at least how I'd define abusive yelling. Any parent/ non-parent would yell/ jump and pull away the child if they see danger- be it oncoming traffic or a water body. And using a leash on a toddler fells in the same category (trying to keep the child safe). But, yelling in hope of getting your point across is what I'd argue against. In my humble opinion, harsh words and physical beating is not the way to discipline a child.

Laks09 · Aug 2, 2014

Nuss/Rakhii,
Every time I do it, I have people rolling their eyes at me. Every person has a different standard for the way any child should be treated. Every one of the person who judged me is right in her own way. They have no idea about my child. They have no clue that without physically restraining him very very hard, he will bolt. Regular 3.5 yrs olds don't. And I get judged every time. Hence my comment, we have no idea what each child is like. The part about my son looking like a regular toddler is what I guess people look at. They look at this innocent, fresh faced 3.5yrs old being held against his will and him kicking and screaming with all his might trying to get away from my death grip. Even I would have judged me, in my life before Autism I'm just putting it out there. When people make nasty comments and reduce me to tears I often wonder why. Why do they care, it's my child. I'm doing it to protect him but people don't know that. They know nothing about my child.

Just wanted to say this, sometimes there are moms and dads out there who are helpless.

Chitravivek · Aug 2, 2014

Laks: This thread is definitely not aimed at you. You're such a great mom and I can definitely see it even though we have not met in person. If anyone reads some of your posts they will know who you're. So relax.. I will not be the one to judge you. All I would say is you're doing a great job and keep it up

Rakhii · Aug 2, 2014

Laks, my nephew is autistic. I know the feeling. I see my sister go through it almost on a daily basis. Know that you are as special a mom as your child is.
(Try) to forgive others when they are being judgemental. We don't know what it's like. No no really does except the parent and the child who is going through this.

Have you read the book Love Anthony by Lisa Genova? I highly recommend it.

OCdesigirl · Aug 2, 2014

I think every kid responds different, I have seen kids that only respond to "beating" (im not talking about bruising the kid) For some kids time-outs work and some parents are so afraid to correct bad behaviors that the kid roams around destructing things. Honestly I was never beaten as a child, though they threatened beatings I was a good child and never got into trouble but my siblings got beatings and they grew up to be good adults so I guess it all depends on how the child responds to talking and time outs.

littl · Aug 2, 2014

darmesh said: ↑

Scars ?! It is scary sir !
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at that age.. yes a sort of ...... :spin

Kamla · Aug 2, 2014

Dear Darmesh,

Congratulations are in order! DrPreetha has nominated this post for FP of the month.

A very necessary topic for the parents! The one teacher I remember very well to this day was Mrs Mehta who looked immaculate in her white sari but was brutal to kids where corporal punishment (!!) for students was considered! Her hitting the palms with a ruler was dreaded by the whole school and there were several red cheeks amongst the erring students because of her tight slaps! I don't know why this was allowed by the kind nuns of our school. Otherwise, she was an excellent teacher and as I grew older, I regarded her as the best.

Poor thing, the lady was under the false illusion I guess that corporal punishment is good for young children to put the fear of God and discipline!!

I would condemn any such acts by either parents or teachers vehemently. I did not go through any such heartaches where my children are considered as in the western countries, at least where I lived, it was strictly prohibited! In fact, in some European countries, there is a book of do's and don'ts for kids. They can refer to that book and take the parents or teachers to court if any of those rules are broken!!

L, Kamla

darmesh · Aug 2, 2014

DrPreetha,

Thanks so much for nominating this thread of mine for Finest Post August 2014 Competition.

Thanks a tonne ! :thankyou2:

darmesh · Aug 2, 2014

Laks09 said: ↑

I feel terrible reading some of the responses. If some of you see me with my son IRL you will call me a terrible parent and feel bad for my innocent little baby. There are instances when I've had to physically restraint my child because he was bolting and into on coming traffic. .
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Rakhii said: ↑

Oh Laks sweetheart, its not for you. Its for parents who vent anger out on children for no fault of the children (basically venting on the child). You dont fall in that category.
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Hi Laks09,

I also feel the above way. If you literally drag your 3.5 years old boy away from the incoming traffic, no one would ever term it as an 'abuse'.

I distinctly remember the days, when conflicts used to happen between my mom and dad. Throughout my childhood I have seen days either filled with conflicts or days with eerie silence. When my mom shouts at dad, he would make one or two attempts to convey his point. He has never done physical beating of my mom. But, when my mom does repeated yelling at him, he will silently leave the house, to return back after 5 hours or 6 hours like that.

To me as a child, what my dad did (leaving home silently) looked right. But, later I knew, my dad was giving a message to my mom , 'You are not worth talking to' . In that few hours, my mom used to beat me again and again, for reasons not known to me then, even now.

Though I never could understand the reasons for their conflicts, though I never could judge who among them are right /wrong, one thing I clearly understood was, my mom's physical beating of me, would specifically happen on these maximum conflict day.

When I completed 12th standard and joined College, which was in some other city, I was immensely happy to leave my home ! I don't have to see yelling mom, I don't have to see a dad who either withdrew into a totally silent mode, or used to leave home. I don't have to suffer beating for trivial reasons.

I started this thread for this singular purpose : That is a parent, shedding his /her own frustration on the hapless kid, by cruelly beating the kid again , again and again for years together. I am sure, there must be a few ignorant moms here, who may be believing that what they are doing (beating the child again and again) is right and is the only way of disciplining it. Never would an abuser truly understand that she is diverting her frustration with something else on to the kid. No one does the act of abuse 'consciously' and 'intentionally'. For this reason, I have forgiven my mom.

But, I don't think you will ever fall in this category. I am sure about it. What you do in the form of dragging your kid away from incoming traffic and water bodies are rather quick life saving manoeuvres. These are not acts of abuse.

Swethasri · Aug 3, 2014

Beating our own kids- is purely an act of ABUSE but except one reason when they are in danger. When they play with dangerous things like plugs or standing near the edge of terrace etc...

First I want to say something to Laks here, Please dont feel guilt what you are doing is just safe guarding your child and dont worry about the rolling eyes in the public,they are not going to live with you.

In my case, yes I yell at my 2.9 years old sometimes beat him. I am so ashamed of my self what ever reason I give here is not forgivable. ITS WRONG! But still wanted to give reasons like after a long day when I put him in the bed if he dont sleep till 12.00 then I give him in the diaper area before that lot of verbal prompts like its getting dark you have to sleep, amma is getting upset please close your eyes, .......But still its WRONG! Another reason is if my LO snatch things from his older brother who has dual diagnosis (Intellectually Impaired) then I cant stop my self. But all the I cry and upset for what I did. But still its WRONG! Hurt is Hurt.

What we all parents do if the child is started giving it back in our cheek a tight slap or what will happen if they get out of the house and not returning or if they know they have to call the police if they are abused by anyway??? Do we as a parents still abuse them??? We will definitely fear!!!

In my case time outs works best. I try my top best to be cautious not to hurt him by anyway and keep this in my mind and injecting this to my brain.

Darmesh thanks so much for starting this thread.