1. Want to be a Positive Parent? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Beating children at home for mistakes : Act of abuse or disciplining ?

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by darmesh, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. IndianLady009

    IndianLady009 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    88
    Likes Received:
    605
    Trophy Points:
    163
    Gender:
    Female
    Very good topic indeed..I too have observed this in my friends circle,beating their kids..

    I feel so pity for those kids..Other thing,I have realized is,yelling/screaming/fighting before kids...At one point,I and my DH were in a heated discussion,I could see my kids with a very innocent face with scared look...He was 5 then...Thats it..that day I have decided,things can wait..After that,till now...I just keep quiet when DH is getting me into argument or vice versa...

    This fights/hitting will definitely take a toll on Kids...But sometimes,my kids tests my patience,I give him a timeout and I take a timeout and later explains him what is wrong..

    But the norway case is extreme though.I doubt if there are still many % of parents who hits the kids like they way we were back in old times:)
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2014
    4 people like this.
  2. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,786
    Likes Received:
    7,303
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Good thread, OP. I'm sorry to hear what your went through though.

    IMO, hitting and screaming - anything that makes the child feel threatened - is abuse regardless of the reasons. The argument from a lot of people who subscribe to this abusive parenting seems to be the same old - I was raised this way; there's nothing wrong with me; so what's the problem if I did the same to my child? It clearly shows the warped thinking of these individuals - these beings have no desire to become better individuals nor raise their children to be any better than them. Surely humans didn't evolve by steadfastly holding on to their cave-man methods!

    Physically or verbally abusing a child only shows them that is is ok to bully ones who appear weaker than them. It rarely has the desired effect.

    Here is what I recently went through with my LO. Before my parents' visit, my preschooler and I were very much in sync; her comprehension was very good, our communication was effective and she was a very well mannered child. When they visited though, my LO started acting up (regressing) because they were babying her. In my frustration, I was yelling at her when she acted super silly. It didn't make her snap back to her normal self. Instead she became extremely ill-mannered - Screaming at everyone, being rude and defiant, refusing to see reason like before. She's all of 3 years old.

    After nearly a week of this madness, a good friend who visited rang up later with the observations that she's never seen me be so rude and impatient, she's never seen my dd acting up so much. She suggested that I first totally calm down, give her more cuddles and proactively talk to her in advance about how I expect her to behave. It took a lot of effort on my part to spend that extra 5 minutes with her calmly setting expectations now and again through the day. The first two days she was being deliberately more naughty trying to get a reaction from me. Without yelling, I would just look at her and say, "you know better than to do that." She would also have consequences - if she stamped on a book or threw a toy I'd just take it away saying, "you can earn it back with good behaviour." Being rude to people would get her timeouts. By the 3rd day, she was back to her normal self.

    Lectures / advice after an incident again don't seem to have much effect either, IMO. And recently I also read about how children can't relate to or learn from post-event lectures. Instead let them know what to expect beforehand and explain the consequence of not behaving. Then follow through with the consequence. ("You need to be quiet in the library. Otherwise we'll have to return home." She screamed once. I left immediately and brought her back home though it was extremely inconvenient for me. Never happened again) This does demand infinitely more effort and patience than the quick yell or slap, but is far more effective in the long run to raise balanced children.
     
    7 people like this.
  3. pantu

    pantu Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    718
    Likes Received:
    373
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes , corporal punishment is absolutely bad. There are many ways you can teach your child to behave well. Patience plays great role here. With a slap you may get temporary
    solution but in the long run you will not get anything. If you want your children behave
    well then set some rules and follow it strictly. Children should know the rules and after math of it should they disobey the rules.
     
    3 people like this.
  4. darmesh

    darmesh Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,779
    Likes Received:
    1,009
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Male
    You are welcome ! :)

    Yes, it is.

    That 'mini tapping' also may please be avoided , DrPreetha ! :)
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2014
    1 person likes this.
  5. DrPreetha

    DrPreetha Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,354
    Likes Received:
    253
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Gender:
    Female
    Darmesh, trying my level best :) maintaining patience.Liked the discussion from other mothers too
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. darmesh

    darmesh Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,779
    Likes Received:
    1,009
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Male
    With all childhood memories of having got beaten again and again, does it have any bearing on your emotional proximity to your mom ?


    Continue to Keep your cool ! :)

    It never works. True.
     
  7. darmesh

    darmesh Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,779
    Likes Received:
    1,009
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Male
    Scars ?! It is scary sir !
     
  8. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,392
    Likes Received:
    2,632
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Darmesh- A very good topic (and, I am breaking my vow of replying to only one post:)).
    IMO, shouting/ yelling/ demeaning/spanking/slapping/beating- all of the above are form of abuse. Well, we don't yell or beat someone stronger than us, so why do we feel need to take our anger/ frustration out on someone who loves us unconditionally and needs us.
    As most Indian kids, yes, I got spanked/ slapped by mom (once or twice by my dad too) but that does not give me a reason to do the same to my nephews/ niece or my own son. Yes, there are times when kids really test your patience but that happens with adults too and we don't slap the adults for their behavior. If there is anything I learned from my own experiences (and also by seeing my sisters "punish" their kids) is that- it is the utmost disrespect to a human being. I can justify my parents' behavior- they were working parents, had to commute, come home and do all the chores and take care of kids. I am sure there were work related frustrations, sometimes it was financial struggle as my 3 older sisters were already in college (+the hostel expense) when my 4th sister and I were kids. But, I see the same thing even now when my parents are retired and leading a "luxurious" life and have maids and cooks and cleaners, everything. My mom and dad still yell at grandkids and don't think twice before giving a slap. All in the name of discipline and also to justify the act by saying that we all turned out well because of "discipline".
    I have a totally different approach to discipline kids. When my nephews didn't listen to their moms or me, I always sat them down and talked, asked what they wanted and insisted on keeping calm. It always worked and they love me so much and listen to me. My son is 21 months and there are times when I am sleep deprived, stressed due to lot of work, deadlines, meetings, classes BUT not even once in these almost 2 years I've yelled at him. Yes, there are times when I feel like I am losing it but then I think- how'd I feel if someone yells at me and that changes everything. When my son cries, my husband and I keep our calm and say- "how do we ask"? Mommy/daddy can't understand you when you scream. He listens and remembers to say 'please'. It has been very effective so far. No time-outs yet but I'd prefer taking a toy away or a few minute timeout instead of spanking or yelling.
    You might want to read this article:

    To prevent childhood trauma, pediatricians screen children and their parents
     
    4 people like this.
  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,260
    Likes Received:
    10,133
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    I feel terrible reading some of the responses. If some of you see me with my son IRL you will call me a terrible parent and feel bad for my innocent little baby. There are instances when I've had to physically restraint my child because he was bolting and into on coming traffic. Literally drag him(kicking and screaming and throwing a fit) away from a water body. I'm sure I've even yelled on top of my voice when he has done either of the two. My first instinct when he bolts is to yell out his name since that's the only way to make my child stop running.
    I have been judged every step of the way. I've been called the harshest mom on the planet. I have been judged for using a child restraint on my child in a busy airport. A mom came and told me my son was not a dog to need a leash. I've been judged in restaurants for trying to eat while my tantrum throwing toddler will not keep quite. I have been judged in parks for dragging my son away from parked cars. I have been judged in Walmart for holding him and making him stay still. I have been given dirty looks in very public place possible.
    I feel terrible that my 3.5yrs old will not listen to a calm patient me talking to him. I feel terrible that I can't talk and reason with my toddler. I'm sure my friends feel they would have done a much better job.

    Before I had my son, I used to be that judge. I have seen mothers with uncontrolled little boys running helter skelter and judged. I've judged mothers who yell and spank. I've been the chairperson of the jury judging parents who hold their kids too tight in Walmart if they do something naughty.

    Today, I'm not in a position to judge a single other parent. If I don't yell for an entire day, I consider that one a very successful one. A day may come when my son won't bolt anymore, when he will actually pause and listen to reason, will actually stop when he hears a stern voice and not a yell but even then I will not judge the mom who is screaming at Walmart.

    OP - Walk in my shoes for half a day and you will redefine parenthood. It will mean, keeping your kid alive and kicking and away from danger no matter what it takes.
    I'm sorry but there are those like me who know exactly what is wrong and right and can't do a thing about it. We just want to keep our heads above the water most days.
     
  10. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,337
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Oh Laks sweetheart, its not for you. Its for parents who vent anger out on children for no fault of the children (basically venting on the child). You dont fall in that category.
     
    8 people like this.

Share This Page