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Beating children at home for mistakes : Act of abuse or disciplining ?

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by darmesh, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. darmesh

    darmesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Sometime back, one Indian couple who went to Norway were arrested and put in prison, for beating their young kid at home. Norway's judiciary enquired the case and gave 2 years imprisonment for both the parents.

    Indian couple convicted in Norway for alleged child abuse - NDTV

    During enquiry, the parents said, it is common in India, to beat children at home, for disciplining. They said, 'It is common to beat the children for disobedience. This act corrects them and brings about good discipline'.

    The reality that beating a child in the name of discipline is an act of child abuse, was known to Experts in India, long back. But, only after the Norway incident, awareness of the fact spread among common men. Many State Governments in India, sent circulars to schools through State Secondary Education Department that physical beating of kids in schools is totally not acceptable.

    Teachers were counselled by State Govt Education Department officials that Corporal punishment (physical beating) of kids should never be done for any reason and if done, it is an act punishable by Law.

    Thanks to what happened to the Andhra couple in Norway, a sea change for good, happened every where in India : Teachers who used to beat children in schools , thinking that they are doing some thing good to the children, stopped beating altogether, for the fear of punishment.

    Help line numbers were shown in media, extensively to children, so that a child who is beaten can call the helpline directly. Many teachers who did not heed to the advice and continued to beat the children, were put behind bars.

    To my knowledge, this nefarious practice stopped almost every where in India. But, sadly, there are parents who refuse to believe that beating the child does not discipline him/her, rather it is an act of child abuse. Such parents do beating of the child at home for acts like not doing home work and not scoring good marks etc,
     

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  2. darmesh

    darmesh Platinum IL'ite

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    More shocking is what Experts say...... these parents are frustrated with something else in life, and are expressing this frustration on their hapless young children. Recently, I went to a house in Chennai. Husband and wife are both working in IT, earning well. Lot of personal stress was going on their life. I was bewildered to see how both the mother and father beat the third standard boy (their son).

    Are these couple dumping their frustration elsewhere, on this hapless kid ? If so, these two people also deserve being in prison ! When I told them, beating does not discipline the kid, they argued, they were also beaten by their parents as kids and the kids who are not beaten, will never get disciplined !

    Educated Rascals !

    I recollect, as a kid, my mom used to beat me now and then. All through those years, I have been believing that my mom had beaten me so many times, only with the good intention of disciplining me. But, after the Norway incident, I wonder..........did my mom was frustrated with something else in her life and was abusing me as a child , as a way of let out from frustration ?

    This thought gives me immense pain even now.

    As a school kid , as a pre-teen and as a teen (even later in life) , I was emotionally distant from my mother. (for reasons not known to me then). I was, in my childhood very close to my dad (who did not beat me , even once).

    Was I subconsciously knowing that I was being abused by my mom ? Was that the reason why I did not feel close to my mom emotionally, as a kid ?

    Forget my personal story.

    Do any of you, beat your kid at home for his/her acts of omission or commission, thinking that you are only disciplining them ? If you do so, please correct yourself. You are abusing your own kids. No amount of beating can discipline a kid. You are frustrated with something else in your life and are dumping your frustration on your little kid. Is that not cruel ? The beaten kid develops feelings of remorse and vengeance and will never correct himself/herself !

    It will enrage the kid, who will lose his affection on you.....and will be moving away from you emotionally.
     
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  3. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Darmesh, in the olden days (and even now in a lot of cases), people believed that a tight slap will correct a mistake. It seemed to have worked in those days. As for me, I was not ‘abused’ as you put it. I do not hit my DD too. I also believe that there are other efficient forms of deciplining children, should there be a need.

    Now, I don’t think parents use kids as their outlet for frustration. What could happen is that the child has misbehaved at the exact same time the parent was dealing with something else and then she/he snaps back due to lack of (enough) patience. I know plenty of moms who would give their life in a blink of an eye for their kids who are guilty of this situation. The next moment they regret. However, this doesn’t happen often.
    I am not saying its OK to hit the kids. What I am trying to convey is, a momentary lapse in judgment should not be taken as an indication of a parent/ child relationship.

    I think you are talking about extreme cases where parents regularly beat up their children.
     
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  4. DrPreetha

    DrPreetha Gold IL'ite

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    Darmesh, Very good topic! Much indeed in parenting.Thanks for starting this. Ofcourse beating children are cruel. But I dont believe all ways parents beat children out of their frustration! There may be parents who do so but not all.When parents beat children it comes like cruel :

    1. When they do it for each and every concern,where they want their child to be disciplined
    2. The way they beat (ie)not below knees like on face,head and the medium they use (ie)not hand.
    Now coming to the point is it a good practice asking me,I would say it is wrong.But remember children do not know their length of freedom and what is correct and what is wrong.So complete freedom cannot be given. Ofcourse little harshness in nature would do.
    My Case I personally stare or scold my DS 1st , even after if he continues the same I give a mini tapping.After his episodes of tears come to a halt(it would take 2 mins to 5 mins) i sit near him and explain what went wrong etc and finally I would say Iam (my sons name) mother! with this I have found he does not repeat the same thing again.
     
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  5. darmesh

    darmesh Platinum IL'ite

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    I doubt, a tight slap would have really worked.




    Counselling and oral advise with love and compassion will go a long way in correcting the erring kid, than beating it. That is what your point is , right ? Exactly I also mean the same.

    I got the point. A mother beating her child out of impulsive anger, very rarely, is not abuse. Agree.

    With me, the case is different. Since, I remember my earliest childhood days, my mom has beaten me consistently, till I came to first year of college. What I underwent was , unfortunately, abuse.

    My mom used to fight with my dad quite often. I was too young to decide, who is right , who is wrong. All I remember is, when my mother starts yelling, my dad used to leave the house silently, to return back only after a few hours. I used to ask him where did he go. He used to say, he went to library, or some other work. As a kid, I did not understand that. After I grew into an adult, I understood, what my dad was doing was 'partner avoiding behaviour' .

    It is during this time, my mom used to beat me, for even the smallest mistakes I did. The basic idea why I started this thread is, there could be an ignorant mom here, who may be doing the same thing, which my mom did for around 15 years, with me. Such an ignorant mom, could correct herself.
     
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  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Darmesh, i am so sorry to hear about your childhood. what you have gone through is certainly abuse.
     
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  7. littl

    littl Platinum IL'ite

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    Darmesh .. Forget about past , every child will do get beaten / slapped by their parents at least once .. and for you it continued for such a long time from your mother side makes me feel sorry buddy., console1
    for me it's from both mother and father .. both of them use to play football with me :rotfl till i quit schooling then things have been changed .. my mom and dad love each other but never had good understandings , so they try to explain that to me in different ways:rant . chair-to-the-head.gif . both are having super ego .. doh1

    in my childhood days even most of my friends get hit by their parents .. we use to chit chat about the incidents and others scars .... most of them are badmash kids.. :crazy but they never changed ...
    even i get beaten up with slaps and even sticks i don't mind cuz they are my parents. they do beat and hug me too hug1-smiley.gif and they will have their own issues right .. oh-smiley.gif

    My conclusion - Beating children at home for mistakes is Act of just being unconsciousness about the facts and situations but not abuse nor disciplining.

    Discipline can be maintained in many ways as Rakhii said,
    and abuse is something which parents do it to their children is very very rare.

    PS - if beating children doesn't worked and not suitable for every kid in those 80's .... then it is not at all suitable for anyone at this generation.
     
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  8. sweetyk

    sweetyk Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    My mom used to beat when we get report cards with not so good marks. Or when I hide some thing from her. Example I once was advised by a friend to show the mark sheet just before leaving to school and I did exactly the same. My mom got very angry that I did not show my mark sheet the day before and she gave me left and right. I even remember she beating me and my brother if we don't behave properly in relatives places or when some one comes home etc.

    Now I have my own kid and I am emotionally close to my mom. She loves me. Do I beat my kid? Well not like my mom did but have few times where I lost my patience and gave a single pat on back. Even for that I feel extremely guilty. It usually happens when she don't listen to me for a long time. Well its very rare..mostly when I am running out of time to work and she mis behaves and cries for some thing..hard..what ever, I am not even doing this now..I am keeping my self cool and just keeping very calm when she throws a fit..

    I will never beat my child like my mom. never. Its not going to work at all.

    Thanks for sharing your experience.

    ..
    sweety
     
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Yeah, this is a good thread. But I want to clarify one thing. The Andhra couple in Norway didnt just beat their kid, they branded him with heated spoon for wetting the bed, belt whipping and so on. The Norway authorities found marks of many scars on the kid and the Dad admitted to it also. God knows what kind of a cruel, illiterate, ignorant maniac he was! and then he tried to justify that whole country does it. I really doubt that level of cruelty is common in India. So while this debate about slapping, beating or shouting is good, we need to remember that the Norway couple was on a different level altogether as far as cruelty, ignorance or beating the kids like an animal for some thing totally out of their control (bedwetting) goes.

    Darmesh, your story is not that uncommon. often when one is treated the way you were as a child, the person adopts that behaviour as a grownup so do guard against that. What I mean is the tendency to blame or punish A for the actions of B. It doesnt have to be actual beatings, it may be just scoldings. But it would be this habit of transferring the blame.

    It is a bad habit but very easy to express anger against authority or boss on the nearest helpless, blameless weaker person, namely your own kid. This is very common in India, I have seen --problem at work, come home and beat up the kids; mom is mad at dad or shopkeeper or high prices or her general helplessness, beats up the kids and feels much better and so on.
     
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  10. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    ya...that Norway couple were way out of line. I think no one really goes to that extent of cruely without getting caught for too long.
     

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