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Battles Daily With Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Leila, Jun 4, 2007.

  1. Leila

    Leila New IL'ite

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    Hi
    I just needed some advise . I was married 2 months on the 23 May 2007. I am Musliim and he is Hindu . To add on that pressure his mother is driving us crazy . They wanted us to live with them which I could not do as I am an independent woman and well I have been living on my own for the last 7 years paying rent and paying of rmy own car etc being self sufficient .His mother cant come to terms that we are living on our own.Everytime we visit her she is totally sarcastic and this is working on my last nerve . I have never been rude or sarcastic to her even though she goes crazy with the sarcastic remarks like she will adopt another son to take care of HER and massage her feet etc. She has a 27 yr old daughter who still lives at home as she is not married. She has my fatherinlaw why is she so hell bent on making myself and her son feel bad because we chose to move on our own to start our lives .We assuired her hat we will be ther for them when they need us we visit them as well . What could possibly be motivating her to be so bitter .I thought parents roles are to make sure they bring up their children to be independant and strong so that when they do venture out to get married and start their own families they are well prepared, but I guess I was totally off the mark when I see her behaviour . She looks really upset if her son shows me affection etc what is wrong with her? IS SHE INLOVE WITH HER SON ? I have told him that he can go back home as it was not my intention to make her or him unhappy . He is caught in the middle trying to keep us both happy but he and i argue all the time . It has come to a point where I dont even want to visit her anymore . I dread every moment that i am there when we visit .
    WHAT CAN IDO TO MAKE THINGS BETTER even though I have done nothing wrong and how can i stop the fighting with my husband PLEASE HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2007
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  2. BhargaviChakravarthy

    BhargaviChakravarthy Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear leila,
    Before giving my opinion let me make some things clear.I am unmarried ,you may think i am not matured enough to give suggestions to you.But still i can share some good things ,though it may not create wonders but atleast help you a little bit.
    I will start from your MIl's angle.I am speaking neutrally.Neither yourside nor herside.
    !)Your husband is the only son of your MIL.If she has two or three sons this problem would not be a big issue .
    2)I don't know how old is your husband.Let me consider as 'x' years.Your husband lived with his mother for x years right from his birth.so she is not in a position to accept that you both are moving out.She may feel that her son is leaving her,isolating her,though you are taking a myriad of efforts to convince her that you visit frequently.
    3)For all mothers in general this is a transition period.(son's marriage).Some have the ability to handle well and tackle those problems.Your MIL,i don't know exactly whether she is good hearted or not ,i feel pity due to her immaturity.
    4) I repeat the words you said
    "she goes crazy with the sarcastic remarks like she will adopt another son to take care of HER and massage her feet etc"
    I think those words are not from her heart.This is out of the reflection of her inability to accept things.(In tamil they say as"thaanga mudiyama solranga",do you know tamil?)

    Let me come to your side.
    1) Your problem is a common problem faced by all women of today.Every women ,today is highly qualified,financially independent.So it is indeed hard to mingle flexibly with in laws(I am sorry i am too straight forward).You said you own a car ,living on your own.Let it be,but why not you bring that set up in a joint family.
    I repeat your words
    "I thought parents roles are to make sure they bring up their children to be independant and strong so that when they do venture out to get married and start their own families they are well prepared, but I guess I was totally off the mark when I see her behaviour "
    Do you feel if children are living with their parents, it is not independent.No ,Not at all.I understand your situation.Having been independent for seven years ,it is really difficult to accept a new situation.Parents struggle hard to bring up their children.So if they are with them they may really feel supportive.With out your MIL you could not have got your husband.Don't feel i am irritting you,but this is the fact.In this position you need to think of your husband too.He has to be peaceful at work.Is it not?May be you can do one thing.You try to convince your MIL that you live separately for only a year .In the mean time things may change.Time may go with your sil's marriage.May be your MIL can change her mind or you can feel you can live in a joint family.In this computer age there are only growing nuclear families.So living separately is also not wrong,at the same time it is also not wrong otherwise.Both of your views(yourself,your mil) are not wrong.But see to it that let it not go to a big issue.Please bear with me if i am controversial to your views.I wish a happy and peaceful life.







     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2007
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  3. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Leila
    Your are not the only one facing this problem, you have joined the many who are already going through these things the world over. His mother is unable to express her fear of losing him, when she has an eligible daughter for marriage and as you know what are the expenses, and now is a crucial time she needs him to stand by her for moral and monetary support. I am happy at least you are independent and will have that as a plus point in handling the issue well.

    If you want your welfare and that of the family, please do follow what you think, that is keep away from them, but do not stop your husband from reaching them & vice versa, one thing is laudable here is their accepting you even though you belong to a different culture. So the concentration could only be for the daughter’s marriage at present and more financial help. If you can provide that I don’t think they will bother you as much as they do now.

    Try to keep communication with the mother, but let me warn you here that you may not get the same response for a long time, may be if the marriage goes off well and your co operation is noticeable then it may take a favorable turn, but refrain your presence in their house for the benefit of both, no use coming back feeling depressed when you have good things in mind, that is to be available in time of need.

    Hope you are able to put this across to your husband for his own good, this way he can avoid a confrontation from both his woman of life…wife and mother…regards sunkan
     
  4. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Your problem is very similar to all the newly-married "self-occupied" girls :)
    Not that I am not one. Its just that we think our parents in diffrent light than our in-laws.. Thats the main problem.
    Now there is nothing wrong if you MIL wanted that you guys stay with them, Even I think its too quick for you guys to be on your own .. within 10 days of marriage.
    Here is what I have to suggest.

    1. first you need to think through how you want you married life to be. I am not sure if everybody gets to have a say that.. they want their in-laws with them or not.
    2. In my own case, I personally would like to take care of my in-laws and my parents too. So i had given my husband free hand in whatever he wants to do with his parents.. If they want , they can stay with us. And guess what.. all have choosen a way which works best foir everyone.
    3. I dont agree with your thinking that parents job ends with preparing kids to get married.. Its a life-long relation.. A kid who doesn't feel attached to his parents is likely to be not involved spouse too.
    4. Intial one two years in marriage will be full of "teething issues". Be patient and be open minded.
    5. I have been on my own for 12 years before marriage.Its good to be in-dependent. But I guess marriage is not about independence.Its abotu inter-dependence. How can you spend 50-60 years together, while you cannt provide support for your spouse's parents for 10-20 years.. How long they might live.. I dont feel touchy about any elder.. So I usually do take an offence even when my MIL sarcastically says somethign to me .. I often tell myself.. She has right to tease me this much.. after all she did so much fo r my husband and she gave such an handsome and well-bred kid...
    I hope I could give wisdom without being judgemental.

    cheers
    Ria
     
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  5. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Leila,

    u r going through a delicate condn take some wiseful steps so that u dont lose ur in laws and husbands love. every mother loves her child and specially son when son gets married she is the one who is very happy after few days she realises oh my son is being snatched away from me by my d-i-l so u don't worry if ur mil getting mad or demanding u to stay with her. don't take in negative way. never stop ur husband to meet his mother let him make his mom happy, if he has got feeling towards his mother then definitely he will love his wife too, ur hubby's relation started with mil when he was in womb never try to separate them. even ur husband is in dilemma what to do to come out of this situation, u show some maturity listen to him and tell u will follow him when he will see himself u r really facing problem then he will change himself automatically. but if u force him to be away from his mother he will take u negatively. u r not going to sacrifice anything if u bend a little, if u succesfully overcome this problem with everyone happy then u see how much love and affection u will get from the entire family. al the best.

    bye
    padma
     
  6. Leila

    Leila New IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your advise . I do understand what you all are saying . However the problem is that I come from a different background I have parents that have thought me that having an independent life is important and that when you married life changes . That does not mean that I dont want my husband to take care of his parents he pays for the rent in their house and buys them things all the time he buys me nothing and I have never complained I pay for all the bills at home I do allot and I dont really think its being fair that his mother has the right to make me feel bad . I left my mothers house too I hardly get to see my mother due to us always running to his parents home is that fair ? Is it fair that I become understanding and patient while I am getting the bad end of the stick . His mother goes on and on and not once does she think that I am someone elses daughter i have parents that miss me too but the difference is my parents dont make my husband feel bad with all the sarcastic remarks . I understand a mothers bond to a child i have three brothers 2 are married and living on their own they are totally happy they visit my parents often and there is nothing wrong with wanting to have your own life . Our parents will always be apart of our lives and hearts but they also need to cut us some slack in todays world things have changed maybe for the worst but as they say you take it with a pinchof salt and u move on . I believe in independance and I will not let anyone tell me otherwise my past experience is not a happy one and well I believe if a man of 30 wants to get married he should step up to the plate and do what is needed . I live in South Africa the culture here is very different girls /women are seeing that marriage is not all that that i why they all marry after their 30's . Maybe that is a bad thing that we have young independent women marrying these men that a mummies boys and having to put up with a MIL that is not ready to let go .
    I warned my husband that I am not a submissive type of woman and that if he does not want to marry me it is fine he should find someone in his own culture to settle down . But he forced the issue and we got married .You see I gave him the choices and he made them he now has to tell his mother in a nice respectful way that the sarcasm is not appreciated . I use to love visiting his parents when we were dating they were lovely people and then my MIL just decided to go nuts after the marriage . She is only 50 yrs old and she has a wonderful husband dont you not think its time that she goes back to giving her husband the attention. Her daughter is 27 yrs old and my husband is 30 there are times when parents need to take a step back and let the kids live their lives .I am not saying that we must forget our parents that will never happen and i have never stopped him from doing anything for his parents I respect them I just cannot handle the MILS sarcastic remarks everytime we go there it makes me want to stay away which is something i dont want to do .
    Why does it have to come to having to feel like your motherinlaw hates u because her son loves me . ITS not a competition he will always love his mother i would not have it any other way i am not their totake him away I am there to share his life and he to share mine and build a family of our own .If that is a bad thing then i give up then my whole belief in marriage is crumbling '
    Leila

    Leila
     
  7. Malathijagan

    Malathijagan Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Leila,
    I think most of Indian women face this situation in their married life. My personal view is, you ignore all these things, shower your love on your hubby. If you don't feel like going to your in-laws place, tell your hubby so and also let him know why you do not want to go (eventhough he would know it.) You tell him that you are hurt by your m-i-law's behaviour and that otherwise you have nothing against her. If your hubby wants to go and meet his people once in a while, do not stop him. That would be intruding into his freedom. During that time you can spend your time with your own people/ friends etc.
    I am surethings would improve as the years roll by and your m-i-l understands you better.
    wish you all the best for a happy married life.
     
  8. anandhighiri

    anandhighiri New IL'ite

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    Hi Leila, I am not advising you, but I am just expressing my thoughts on marriage life.

    First one or two years of marriage life are very crucial in every girl's life Leila. This is the period we should build the good relationship with our in-laws. As you know, we come from a different culture, different people, different atmosphere, as that of our husband. Initially some kind of frictions will be there in everybody's life (almost all), as both the boy and girl are from different circumstances, different tastes. That too, if the boy is only son to them, the initial issues will be more. Because u know, they might have some kind of fear about the new girl, how she will be, how will treat them etc., But, you know, the girl's power is there only in bridging the gap between the two families. Marriage is not only a bond between two souls, but it is a bridging bond between two families as a whole.

    Since in-laws know very little about us at the time of marriage, it is our responsibility to make them feel comfortable. It is our duty to bring harmony in the house where we stepped-in for our living. We are honest and we dont want to ill-treat our in-laws, but how do they know our mind, we being a new member in the family? They dont know untill show them you care, by using caring words, caring actions etc., Once the in-law gets your mind and they are confident on you, then there is nothing more than that! They will fully rely on you. Marriage is not something like getting something from a shop.. where if you dont like, you can exchange or throw it away. It is a beautiful bond which God give us and we should be a balancing factor between the two families.

    Whatever the good things you do, how much ever it is small, it will be considered as big by our in-laws, similarly, the bad things also. It will be there till the end of life. We should be able to create harmony in house, so that firstly, husband will have peace, in-laws will have peace and comfort in you. This will automatically make them show their love on you.

    You know onething, most of the elder people like FIL or MIL, will relish their son going out with their DIL, for shopping, movie, park etc., They will be happy on seeing you both happy ma. We should not let that mother to long for anything. Without her, we wouldnt have got our loving husbands. They have suffered a lot in bringing up their children, now it is our turn to open our mind and hand to take care of our family, including MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, whoever is there.

    Accept people as they are, you will be very much comfortable then. You come forward for in-laws one step, they will come three steps forward for you!

    I am not telling to accept / obey blidly to whatever they are telling. It is not that. But, express your difference of opinion in a more polite way. for example, if you are asked to do something in one particular way, which you dont want to do in that way, tell them "instead of doing it in this way, i think it will be better, if we do like this. Isn't it so? what do you think?" Now they will think and tell, ok ma proceed. There is much difference in telling in the above manner and telling 'I cant do it like that, i can do it like this'. Am i right? This will make them feel happy in one way that you are accepting their point.. but the thing is you are asking them to come to your point.. The point is just think and change your attitude slightly.

    Words can make or break relationships Leila. We should be very careful in using words.

    I am sure you are going to have a very good, peaceful life ahead!

    Warm Regards,
    Anandhi Ghiri
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2007
  9. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Leila,

    please dont get disappointed u r not facing problem due to different background. its just 2months of marriage both of u need time to adjust its very little time u have passed. even ur husband needs time to adjust himself things will be alright with time give ur husband enough space automatically u will get same. only 2months enjoy ur life with husband dont think all this why he is going to his mom. if u live peacefully definitely u will conveince him to go to ur parents house. it happens with many people muma's boy will definitely become loving husband too. remeber there is always generation gap.
     
  10. Sashmitaa

    Sashmitaa Senior IL'ite

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    Hey Leils,

    Just hold on for a second. Dont make urs and husbands life hell by arguing fro simple things. If your MIL is using horrible comments just let it go thru other ear. Dont take each and every issue to your husband. Inthe beginning he may listen but after sometime he may get irritated. Sojust ignore your mils comments and try to enjoy your married life.

    with warm wishes
    Lakshmi
     

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