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Battle against possessiveness

Discussion in 'Cheeniya's Senile Ramblings' started by Cheeniya, May 28, 2007.

  1. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Chithra
    Your salt example is indeed very good but dont you know that tolerance for salt varies from person to person? I myself can stand only very little salt in my food! I agree that just as a saltless dish becomes unconsumable, life without moderate feeling of possessiveness can be dull and colourless.
    But have you considered this? Working women need more space in their lives than housewives? Naturally so. In her profession, a working woman has to interact with many men and if a possessive husband wants to know every little incident relating to her male colleagues, she is bound to feel exasperated. The irony is that he himself might be interacting with a lot of women in his profession but he would consider all that as perfectly normal!
    What can start as an ego booster may soon become a vicious cancer
    Moderation is the key here just as in any facet of our relationship!
    sri
     
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  2. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sudha
    On a cold winter night, a fireplace makes you feel warm and cosy but if you keep on adding logs of wood, it may become very fierce and scorch you. We are not a salamander to be able to live and survive in fire!

    Possessiveness must be a natural consequence of true love. It must manifest itself in helping each other, defending each other and motivating each other. If your possessiveness manifests itself in ensuring that your husband reaches the pinnacle of glory in profession , in sport or in any field of activite, it is healthy. Like Sudha did for Narayanamurthy!

    But the kind of possessiveness that generates mutual suspicion, hatred or jealousy, it should be abhorred.
    sri
     
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  3. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Chitra
    Very well expressed indeed!
    I have taken up for analysis that brand of possessiveness that breeds negative feelings towards each other. The same possessiveness can be channelised into a very positive force.
    What we see around us is only the negative brand of it that destroys relationships and families. Though I have sounded being in agreement with the view that possessiveness boosts ego, I fail to understand how. What kind of ego does it boost? Do we really want that kind ego getting boosted?
    I agree that a total lack of possessive feeling may sound like indifference but it is not so really. Can we call a husband or wife who gives total freedom to their spouse as indifferent? Sorry, I beg to differ with all there!
    Sri
     
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  4. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Vidya
    I am happy that I produced something that gave you much joy but I cant say that your response made me happy!

    I looked forward to a very scholarly analysis of this social malady either supplementing or opposing my view but felt disappointed that there wasn't any!

    Do I take it that there will be a FB once you are finished with your basking?:)
    Sri
     
  5. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Kamla
    A good view to take indeed!
    In fact, the purpose of my highlighting on this aspect of possessiveness in a relationship is to lead this discussion into exploring if it is possible to convert possessiveness into a positive force. We all know that coming in contact with a live wire can be fatal but do we call electrical enenrgy a killer? We dont because we have mastered the art of harnessing that energy into a very constructive force and it has become an indispensible need of our lives.
    It should be possible to harness all the energy unleashed by possessiveness into something very constructive.
    In fact to tell you the truth, I often feel sad whenever there is a discussion on possessive mothers in law et al in this forum!
    Time we sit and start thinking of it laterally!
    sri
     
  6. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't know about the positive energies of possessiveness Cheeniya. It is awful if the husband is possessive, speaking from the perspective of a wife. Often times, it is because the wife is somewhat smarter or has better social capabilities. Women mostly do:) It then restricts her movements and exchanges with other people and she will nurture this angst and will feel that she always has to mind whether she smiled too much, laughed too loud, got too familiar or not and is she overshadowing him in any way. Possessiveness by a partner also harbors a bit of envy...films like 'The Way we Were' and 'Abhiman' are excellent examples. Being a woman, I get to hear the problems of many women friends who have to face this.
    I must add that these are not my 'Indian' women friends! We are still too very private and proud to share such thoughts...even with a friend!

    L, Kamla
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2007
  7. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Kamla,
    I fully agree with you. Very often it is not possessiveness, but traces of jealousy. Most men want their wives to be one step "below" them in all aspects of life. I do not know if it is a typical Indian mentality or prevalant all over. It is more to feed the husband's ego (ofcourse choicelessly) that the wife has to act less smart and meek. As Sri says, for working women, this is a big hassel, if they have to be answerable to the Master & Lord for all their actions & contacts. She feels restricted, choked but does the sacrifice to preserve domestic harmony, which may still be elusive !
    Ofcourse the man will have "official contacts" with many ladies, which the wife dare not question ! It is his priviilege !
    Well, I know, I am straying from the subject, but could'nt help sharing my thoughts.
    Love,
    Chithra.
     
  8. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Kamla
    Every human feeling can be either positive or negative. Anger is normally considered bad but not anger against things like atrocities committed in society or religious or cultural intolerance. Possessiveness can be positive too if the person feeling it does things that will bring the possession closer to him. If one feels possessive about someone, it is only right that he does very endearing things to keep the other with him rather than expressing it negatively and in the bargain distance that person!

    Abhiman was a clear case of jealousy but then it is also yet another manifestation of possessiveness born out of insecurity. How many eyes became moist when they reunited in that last scene!
    sri
     
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  9. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Chithra
    I really do not know if what you say about the wife being one step below is true particularly in the modern context when women are proving to be more than equal for men. Indra Nooyi, a chennai lady, is a classic example. Men are learning that jealousy of their women going above them can be very counter-productive. Even if they feel bad about it, they dont show it anymore.

    Dont forget that most men are very calculative. If their wives are professionally better off, they count it as a blessing these days. It gives them, besides other things, financial independence! I know men who have a glorious time using the perks of their wives. Would they ever feel jealous? No way!
    sri
     
  10. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sri,
    I am talking about what happens generally - you are talking about the exceptions !
    Love,
    Chithra.
     

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