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Balancing Kids And Work At Home With No Help

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by sanjuruby3, Nov 2, 2020.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I have grader and 1 yr old kid and full time job. My H job is always busy on phone with meetings is of no help around work time.
    I have already taken enough time off this year around pandemic so other than 1/2 days here and there, i can not.

    So problem is - We had nanny but she did not come during pandemic. Then once situation got settled, she decided to come back. Our life was mess and fights all the time. My work was suffering all time. Inspite of doing all the kids chores etc, i was the one getting blamed for creating mess, not doing work cleanly etc. While attending my meeting, and son screaming, i was one taking him out to play while on phone, how much effective would i be at work....So pandemic really hit me hard mentally..in all ways.

    Then my olders one school started and luckily nanny came back. so i was managing older one + little' ones food etc.
    While H does clean up in the night, and early morning tea. Nothing to do much with kids, kids play or study. Whatever he can do alone ( with headphones and watching) he would do.

    Now nanny is quitting again for family reasons, atleast for couple months. I am having panic attacks.
    Recently, I pressurized my boss to switch my team. Earlier all my teams were in india time zone, early morning and some times late at night. With little one, it was not working, since early morning, he also used to wake up. But after 10/11 am, things were calm since india time its night there.
    now i have meetings any time of the day ( US time) and i have more people to watch me or monitor me. I asked for it.
    I see a friend in similar situation but her work is not tough , not much reporting and H is more available because of job nature.

    I am just venting out or sharing my stress. How are you all balancing out.

    Since it is fall/winter starting, i do not want little one to go to daycare, anyways they will get sick, but in covid situation, we will have more fear, then again can not go to day care for a week or so, then covid test.. all this will be stress on me. Since it is holiday season, H is taking few days off...
    It is not like if he has taken day off, he will keep kids away or take care of them. He will do extra workouts that day.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Hire a temporary nanny if you are sure the old one is coming back and you want to retain her. You can find someone on Care.com. Otherwise look for a new nanny.
    Nobody I know who has such little kids and is working is managing completely on their own. I have to go in to work 3 days a week. My husband is fully teleworking right now but he cannot be away from his computer during work hours. So I am sending my toddler to daycare and we are prepared to handle the risk. We are both going to take the last 2 weeks of December off as the daycare is closed for holiday break.
    As for the rest, keep things as simple as possible. Cooking, cleaning etc can take a backseat.
     
    Rihana likes this.
  3. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    sorry I have no advice except to say talk to your H and lay down ground rules of what youexpect from him when he is taken the day off.

    if it makes you feel better, then know that you are not alone. I have a 11 month old, H working all day from home, I switched to parttime and started working odd hours, like 3 am and 10 pm. He can't come out for the most part because of meetings. He helps in tidying up here and there, every 4thday /night. this is his own words. However, just like you, i get blamed for not doing everything. He says, I do the 'bare minimum' LOL

    My day goes like this - wake up 3.30 - 4 am do yoga 20 min, take shower, light lamp and start working. go in to soothe LO multiple times - sometimes to nurse and other times to settle her back to sleep. she is a light sleeper. She wakes up at 6.30, H does morning potty-brush routine and brings her to me. Here on, She is always with me never leaves me alone. I cook breakfast, lunch, dinner, feed, bathe, clean up, get her to nap, read books, take her out, basically keep her away from H so he can work peacefully. But still i do the 'bare minimum'. he once told me i take a long shower. this was on a day i had not slept through the night and needed some more time to just be prepared for the day. otherwise he doesn't even know what time i actually take a shower. We had a huge fight that day, and now talking is only to the point. Sorry I had to vent too!

    Bottom line talk to him. it's his kids too
     
  4. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    why do u listen from H that u r not cleaning good enough? It’s your fault that u didn’t put your foot down and listen to his taunts. Tell him u will run away from home or divorce him if he comment on your hard work. Hire nanny and cleaning lady ASAP otherwise u will go crazy or break down.
     
  5. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Thats what we did..right Hired nanny, cleaning ladies everything.
    so calling cleaning lady is my job. After 2 week, he starts telling me call her now..you did not call her, why you did not. Why do not you call her...
    Uff.... He has OCD. Every night he will spend 1 hr cleaning(with phone/headsets etc) voluntarily even if it is not needed while i struggle with both kids. So because we make mess, he has to clean. so we should not make mess and walk like duck on floor, should not brush our teeth, sit on toilets... Usage will make it dirty ..thats his concept.
    No he does not touch bathrooms/laundary that kind of cleaning.
    However, if others guests and thei kids come home, make mess, he is perfectly fine and happily says, oh no problem, kids will make mess na.. what a double game he is

    Like Running or threatening works? If i were in India near my parents or had seen his true colors pre kids, would have left him long ago.

    Problem is he clearly sees efforts put in by other mothers - like our neighbour or his family mothers but not me or my side family.

    I am not scared of taking care of kids but he wrath is what scares me. His presence in same makes me uncomfortable but later when work load increases, his screaming will do what, i do not know.
     
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Something’s got to give. Even if you have a weekly cleaning lady you still have to pick up in between. If your husband will not do cleaning or childcare himself then he doesn’t get to dictate how others do it. If he starts yelling then just lock yourself in a room with the kids or go out with them for a drive. You are not a servant.
     
  7. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP!
    I read your post - how aptly you have titled it! It basically translates to "How to be Superwoman and Do Everything"... an expectation we women are consistently bombarded with, from within and/or without.
    And you ask this, even when you are already doing so much!
    I still fondly remember some of your posts a few years back when (both our) kids were infants, and you used to put up amazing menus... I used to be so impressed how you managed to feed your kid such a varied and healthy diet.
    And now, you are managing 2 young kids, with two different set of needs.. a full time job - which was a 'second shift' job plus cooking and keeping house! :worship2: All. by. yourself.
    I am saying this, because I want YOU to remember this, to realise what an amazing thing you are doing! No seriously! It's not enough to 'know' it cerebrally. I want you to realise this. You are already so terrific!
    From what you say, H is what he is. The point is, why are you bothered by what he says/feels/does?
    Time to be assertive, dear OP. Not, do more. And assertiveness occurs only when you respect yourself for what you do and are confident and comfortable with yourself.
    Don't sweat over his reactions. You do what you can want to. You decide what your priorities are, what you can do, how much you can do. And do that alone, and be happy. If that is not enough for H, tell him kindly (but unequivocally) that this is what you can do, and he can feel free to bring things up to his standards by his own involvement. And when he does put on those ear phones and makes a show of cleaning, smile and carry on. Maybe give him a thumbs up if you will!
    I agree with all the others - it is impossible to take care of little kids AND cook AND housework AND full time job. Those are whole departments you are talking about, not a one-person-job! So by all means, get help from outside, when H is not helpful.
    Your work situation, I don't have any useful suggestions... If nanny is not working, you must get some babysitter atleast. Do you have both elder and younger ones with you all day? Can you negotiate some kind of flexible scheduling?
    Regarding mess-by-kids... do you have a room you can set aside as kids playroom/zone that they can mess to their hearts content and you can just the shut the door on it? Any place, thats not the living room;) Also, get some large dump-bags... I use those cloth laundry bags and a couple of super large storage boxes... every couple of hours, everything lying around just gets dumped into it. No sweat cleanliness:tongueout: Limit your kids toys - group together toy sets and put them in small boxes or bags. keep everything else away (out of reach) and give only one bag at a time. When done, kid has to return the bag of toys to get the next bag. For the younger one, you can do the swapping.
    You could get elder one involved in cleanup, make a game of it? Me n LO play I spy with the stuff we gotta clean up... my LO will not put her things away, but cannot resist "Simon says... put the dolls in the red bag"..make it fun...
    A treasure hunt game, where she has to collect 5 pieces you have written down on a slip and put them <wherever you want> and discover a hidden treasure (somewhere else). Just some ideas, you can invent more along these lines, just so some habits are formed.
    This. This is the crux of the entire thing, I feel. Men generally are oblivious to their wife/her side's efforts and achievements. They do take you for granted. Its not right, but it's true - and it really irks me too. And the less they do, the more entitled they feel and the more dismissive they are of your efforts. I wonder if you can figure out some way to make H have to do your chores once in a while... it will really up the appreciation - atleast, reduce the criticism.
    But frankly, don't let the hubby get to you. At the end of the day, you are responsible only for your actions (and your happiness/wellbeing), not his. Accept that wholeheartedly.
    Disclaimer: This is not self-realised gyaan, but lessons-learnt-that-I'm-trying-to-do-myself
     
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  8. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    OP, I relate to you completely though my younger one is not as young as yours.. I am also constantly juggling kids, cooking, household chores, full time job and weekend shift once in a month. I also have issues with my husband not pitching in equally and not at all being there emotionally for kids and me. He will help and work on things around the house like yours , but at his convenience and time only. He is also introvert and needs a lot of lone time after his work hours or weekends and shuts himself up in a room or goes out on the pretext of groceries and shopping etc.. But he comes back fueled up and then the cycle continues. He does not talk or spend time with anyone regularly and this pandemic is bringing out the worst introvert in him. That said, I am determined to work with this situation positively as I am thinking this is the only real obstacle in my way where I am not able to change or influence him to behave in a way that benefits all of us in the family.. I feel this is the ONLY real issue for you as well and for the rest you can find practical solutions or just do your best for now and not worry more than that.

    We have to let go and accept the situation and others limitations as it is and start building solutions on top of that. I started to take care of myself more by waking up early and going for runs , spending sometime reading books, listening to good things or meditating before sleep. That 45 mins in morning and 30 mins in night is helping me cope up a lot better.

    I divided my waking hours into parts where I keep one thing as priority in that time and the rest will be free flow. For example:
    6 30 to 9 AM, I will be focusing on my exercise, breakfast prep, getting myself and kids ready ( I log into work at 8 A.M but still wont be 100% on that).

    9 to 12 PM - I focus on work and let the other things be in background ( I am still helping my son if he needs any help or little one with bathroom breaks etc..).

    12 to 2 pm focus will be on lunch time as my younger one is too fussy and needs lot of attention. I will give myself buffer to catch a breath after my lunch and will try not to schedule calls around this time.

    2 to 5 focus is again on work. But I keep reminding my son that he has to finish his home work by 5 PM or else he cannot go out for walks or play. Around 4ish I give them snacks while working from kitchen countertop

    After 5 I go for walks, prep dinner, pick up the rooms for 10 mins.

    The kids bath, dinner, wrap up kitchen and bed time routine.. They are in bed by 9 PM and until 10:30 I will wrap up everything and spend me time..

    This is what I try to follow. My work day does not go that smooth and I get to follow the working hours schedule like I wanted to only 50% of the time. But still when I go off track I try to come back to this schedule. For work meetings even though I have to go out of this schedule a lot, I dont panic and keep telling myself this is just temporary ..

    It is hard to tell you what to do exactly as your family needs and situation will be different, but you have to somehow steal time for yourself, reflect and energize your body, mind and soul. This I believe is the crux of us surviving this situation. If nothing atleast try to sleep better and try to have good time with the kids which is a great stress buster :) . Best of luck !!
     
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  9. dharmastick

    dharmastick Senior IL'ite

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    Agree with this
     

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