Balancing Kids And Work At Home With No Help

Hire a temporary nanny if you are sure the old one is coming back and you want to retain her. You can find someone on Care.com. Otherwise look for a new nanny.
Nobody I know who has such little kids and is working is managing completely on their own. I have to go in to work 3 days a week. My husband is fully teleworking right now but he cannot be away from his computer during work hours. So I am sending my toddler to daycare and we are prepared to handle the risk. We are both going to take the last 2 weeks of December off as the daycare is closed for holiday break.
As for the rest, keep things as simple as possible. Cooking, cleaning etc can take a backseat.

 

sorry I have no advice except to say talk to your H and lay down ground rules of what youexpect from him when he is taken the day off.

if it makes you feel better, then know that you are not alone. I have a 11 month old, H working all day from home, I switched to parttime and started working odd hours, like 3 am and 10 pm. He can't come out for the most part because of meetings. He helps in tidying up here and there, every 4thday /night. this is his own words. However, just like you, i get blamed for not doing everything. He says, I do the 'bare minimum' LOL

My day goes like this - wake up 3.30 - 4 am do yoga 20 min, take shower, light lamp and start working. go in to soothe LO multiple times - sometimes to nurse and other times to settle her back to sleep. she is a light sleeper. She wakes up at 6.30, H does morning potty-brush routine and brings her to me. Here on, She is always with me never leaves me alone. I cook breakfast, lunch, dinner, feed, bathe, clean up, get her to nap, read books, take her out, basically keep her away from H so he can work peacefully. But still i do the 'bare minimum'. he once told me i take a long shower. this was on a day i had not slept through the night and needed some more time to just be prepared for the day. otherwise he doesn't even know what time i actually take a shower. We had a huge fight that day, and now talking is only to the point. Sorry I had to vent too!

Bottom line talk to him. it's his kids too

 

Op

why do u listen from H that u r not cleaning good enough? It’s your fault that u didn’t put your foot down and listen to his taunts. Tell him u will run away from home or divorce him if he comment on your hard work. Hire nanny and cleaning lady ASAP otherwise u will go crazy or break down.

 

Something’s got to give. Even if you have a weekly cleaning lady you still have to pick up in between. If your husband will not do cleaning or childcare himself then he doesn’t get to dictate how others do it. If he starts yelling then just lock yourself in a room with the kids or go out with them for a drive. You are not a servant.

 

Hi OP!
I read your post - how aptly you have titled it! It basically translates to "How to be Superwoman and Do Everything"... an expectation we women are consistently bombarded with, from within and/or without.
And you ask this, even when you are already doing so much!
I still fondly remember some of your posts a few years back when (both our) kids were infants, and you used to put up amazing menus... I used to be so impressed how you managed to feed your kid such a varied and healthy diet.
And now, you are managing 2 young kids, with two different set of needs.. a full time job - which was a 'second shift' job plus cooking and keeping house! All. by. yourself.
I am saying this, because I want YOU to remember this, to realise what an amazing thing you are doing! No seriously! It's not enough to 'know' it cerebrally. I want you to realise this. You are already so terrific!
From what you say, H is what he is. The point is, why are you bothered by what he says/feels/does?
Time to be assertive, dear OP. Not, do more. And assertiveness occurs only when you respect yourself for what you do and are confident and comfortable with yourself.
Don't sweat over his reactions. You do what you can want to. You decide what your priorities are, what you can do, how much you can do. And do that alone, and be happy. If that is not enough for H, tell him kindly (but unequivocally) that this is what you can do, and he can feel free to bring things up to his standards by his own involvement. And when he does put on those ear phones and makes a show of cleaning, smile and carry on. Maybe give him a thumbs up if you will!
I agree with all the others - it is impossible to take care of little kids AND cook AND housework AND full time job. Those are whole departments you are talking about, not a one-person-job! So by all means, get help from outside, when H is not helpful.
Your work situation, I don't have any useful suggestions... If nanny is not working, you must get some babysitter atleast. Do you have both elder and younger ones with you all day? Can you negotiate some kind of flexible scheduling?
Regarding mess-by-kids... do you have a room you can set aside as kids playroom/zone that they can mess to their hearts content and you can just the shut the door on it? Any place, thats not the living room Also, get some large dump-bags... I use those cloth laundry bags and a couple of super large storage boxes... every couple of hours, everything lying around just gets dumped into it. No sweat cleanliness Limit your kids toys - group together toy sets and put them in small boxes or bags. keep everything else away (out of reach) and give only one bag at a time. When done, kid has to return the bag of toys to get the next bag. For the younger one, you can do the swapping.
You could get elder one involved in cleanup, make a game of it? Me n LO play I spy with the stuff we gotta clean up... my LO will not put her things away, but cannot resist "Simon says... put the dolls in the red bag"..make it fun...
A treasure hunt game, where she has to collect 5 pieces you have written down on a slip and put them <wherever you want> and discover a hidden treasure (somewhere else). Just some ideas, you can invent more along these lines, just so some habits are formed.

This. This is the crux of the entire thing, I feel. Men generally are oblivious to their wife/her side's efforts and achievements. They do take you for granted. Its not right, but it's true - and it really irks me too. And the less they do, the more entitled they feel and the more dismissive they are of your efforts. I wonder if you can figure out some way to make H have to do your chores once in a while... it will really up the appreciation - atleast, reduce the criticism.
But frankly, don't let the hubby get to you. At the end of the day, you are responsible only for your actions (and your happiness/wellbeing), not his. Accept that wholeheartedly.
Disclaimer: This is not self-realised gyaan, but lessons-learnt-that-I'm-trying-to-do-myself

 

OP, I relate to you completely though my younger one is not as young as yours.. I am also constantly juggling kids, cooking, household chores, full time job and weekend shift once in a month. I also have issues with my husband not pitching in equally and not at all being there emotionally for kids and me. He will help and work on things around the house like yours , but at his convenience and time only. He is also introvert and needs a lot of lone time after his work hours or weekends and shuts himself up in a room or goes out on the pretext of groceries and shopping etc.. But he comes back fueled up and then the cycle continues. He does not talk or spend time with anyone regularly and this pandemic is bringing out the worst introvert in him. That said, I am determined to work with this situation positively as I am thinking this is the only real obstacle in my way where I am not able to change or influence him to behave in a way that benefits all of us in the family.. I feel this is the ONLY real issue for you as well and for the rest you can find practical solutions or just do your best for now and not worry more than that.

We have to let go and accept the situation and others limitations as it is and start building solutions on top of that. I started to take care of myself more by waking up early and going for runs , spending sometime reading books, listening to good things or meditating before sleep. That 45 mins in morning and 30 mins in night is helping me cope up a lot better.

I divided my waking hours into parts where I keep one thing as priority in that time and the rest will be free flow. For example:
6 30 to 9 AM, I will be focusing on my exercise, breakfast prep, getting myself and kids ready ( I log into work at 8 A.M but still wont be 100% on that).

9 to 12 PM - I focus on work and let the other things be in background ( I am still helping my son if he needs any help or little one with bathroom breaks etc..).

12 to 2 pm focus will be on lunch time as my younger one is too fussy and needs lot of attention. I will give myself buffer to catch a breath after my lunch and will try not to schedule calls around this time.

2 to 5 focus is again on work. But I keep reminding my son that he has to finish his home work by 5 PM or else he cannot go out for walks or play. Around 4ish I give them snacks while working from kitchen countertop

After 5 I go for walks, prep dinner, pick up the rooms for 10 mins.

The kids bath, dinner, wrap up kitchen and bed time routine.. They are in bed by 9 PM and until 10:30 I will wrap up everything and spend me time..

This is what I try to follow. My work day does not go that smooth and I get to follow the working hours schedule like I wanted to only 50% of the time. But still when I go off track I try to come back to this schedule. For work meetings even though I have to go out of this schedule a lot, I dont panic and keep telling myself this is just temporary ..

It is hard to tell you what to do exactly as your family needs and situation will be different, but you have to somehow steal time for yourself, reflect and energize your body, mind and soul. This I believe is the crux of us surviving this situation. If nothing atleast try to sleep better and try to have good time with the kids which is a great stress buster . Best of luck !!

 

Agree with this