Balancing Emotions!

aarth0203 · Jan 16, 2023

I live in a joint family with in-laws. Married for 18 years and have a 8 year old and highly demanding job. I seem to be trying a lot to not make everyone upset and I feel that’s taking toll on me! I ask cautious questions to my husband so that he is not triggered, I talk very less with my mil as sometimes she upsets me. A very recent example Today morning we (note only me and my daughter do it and she never participates in this ritual) had a festival and we need to have rice cooked the previous day. I didn’t have any left over rice, so I made new one in the morning. She started advising we should use only old rice and not cook new one. While advice is ok. I have seen herself flexing rules during festivals. I mentioned it’s ok, she kept repeating the same thing! She didn’t stop there, but went to opposite house and got yesterday’s rice! This totally triggered me and I questioned why she did that! I said anyways you don’t do this festival, what is the need to poke nose unnecessarily. she says everyday I scold her( I expect kitchen counter to be clean when I cook, she keeps it dirty and I remind her to clean it as clean it when I complete cooking)and today is another day. My husband couldn’t take anyone side and was asking to both to adjust. This incident has impacted me emotionally a lot and I feel why should I always flex my mood to keep others pleased. My whole day was a mess thinking about this ! how should I keep myself happy! Even though I avoid talking to ppl sometimes few things get triggered voluntarily! I thought of going to office everyday ( I work from home mostly), but that means I can’t pick my daughter when the bus comes! Give me some tips to keep my mind healthy! I workout already

anika987 · Jan 16, 2023

aarth0203 said: ↑

I live in a joint family with in-laws. Married for 18 years and have a 8 year old and highly demanding job. I seem to be trying a lot to not make everyone upset and I feel that’s taking toll on me! I ask cautious questions to my husband so that he is not triggered, I talk very less with my mil as sometimes she upsets me. A very recent example Today morning we (note only me and my daughter do it and she never participates in this ritual) had a festival and we need to have rice cooked the previous day. I didn’t have any left over rice, so I made new one in the morning. She started advising we should use only old rice and not cook new one. While advice is ok. I have seen herself flexing rules during festivals. I mentioned it’s ok, she kept repeating the same thing! She didn’t stop there, but went to opposite house and got yesterday’s rice! This totally triggered me and I questioned why she did that! I said anyways you don’t do this festival, what is the need to poke nose unnecessarily. she says everyday I scold her( I expect kitchen counter to be clean when I cook, she keeps it dirty and I remind her to clean it as clean it when I complete cooking)and today is another day. My husband couldn’t take anyone side and was asking to both to adjust. This incident has impacted me emotionally a lot and I feel why should I always flex my mood to keep others pleased. My whole day was a mess thinking about this ! how should I keep myself happy! Even though I avoid talking to ppl sometimes few things get triggered voluntarily! I thought of going to office everyday ( I work from home mostly), but that means I can’t pick my daughter when the bus comes! Give me some tips to keep my mind healthy! I workout already
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You have so much in your plate..

Joint family
Demanding job
Child
House work

I totally understand your frustrations…

Few things..

1) do you have house help?
2) does you hubby support you?

House help would be a blessing and why put everything on your head..

also try to get a cook for a while and see how it works..

second thing is make sure you have all the things ready before hand for festivities for avoiding confusion

take some walks in the evening..just for your ME time

Put a priority list and work it accordingly..

hope the above helps

aarth0203 · Jan 17, 2023

Hi Anika, Thank you for reply. I have a cook who comes in the morning and evening to make food. So making food is not the issue. I still make few stuff for my daughter and my mil prefers to keep rice herself and boling milk is done by her. I like to have the countertop clean and clean it whenever I leave the kitchen. When I enter kitchen, MIL leaves it dirty with rice, spilt water/dhal or atta. I request her to keep it clean fo the next person use it. Any ways this is not the mine issue, my issue is that I used to silently ignore all her taunts in the past, but very recently I am getting triggered and cant take it if she pokes in my business! May be its because I crossed 40 or I am tired of being silent and people taking me for granted. She keeps long face and wont talk for days together, nowadays I am getting irritated and just give back straight! My question is how to be emotionally composed with these unreasonable people! Cos if I give back that spoils my mood whole day! I work out have a ME time!

Regarding my husband he takes of all work outside the house, grocery and few other stuff. He is ok if I speak back and does not interfere between mil and me!

anika987 · Jan 17, 2023

aarth0203 said: ↑

Hi Anika, Thank you for reply. I have a cook who comes in the morning and evening to make food. So making food is not the issue. I still make few stuff for my daughter and my mil prefers to keep rice herself and boling milk is done by her. I like to have the countertop clean and clean it whenever I leave the kitchen. When I enter kitchen, MIL leaves it dirty with rice, spilt water/dhal or atta. I request her to keep it clean fo the next person use it. Any ways this is not the mine issue, my issue is that I used to silently ignore all her taunts in the past, but very recently I am getting triggered and cant take it if she pokes in my business! May be its because I crossed 40 or I am tired of being silent and people taking me for granted. She keeps long face and wont talk for days together, nowadays I am getting irritated and just give back straight! My question is how to be emotionally composed with these unreasonable people! Cos if I give back that spoils my mood whole day! I work out have a ME time!

Regarding my husband he takes of all work outside the house, grocery and few other stuff. He is ok if I speak back and does not interfere between mil and me!
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Well..you are giving back to your mil
Your hubby does not interfere

you are going in the right path

u need to understand your mil is trying to TRigger you

it’s okay to feel hurt or angry but do exactly as she does

you don’t need to talk at all if she does not

just replicate whatever she does

put the ball in her court

strength does not mean not just talking back

strength is being calm and handling the right way..

If she does not talk to you for days..avoid talking to her until she does

preeti6years · Jan 21, 2023

Well exactly the same happens in my house.
The same mil used to give me lectures on keeping things clean, makes kitchen intentionally dirty these days. Leaves everything on the counter and goes away. I leave then as it is and adjust the place for mu cooking. So next day morning either dh or mil herself will clean up her mess when they enter the kitchen.
Yes, I do have told her few times not to do certain things. I told her after telling dh number times and then it was of no use. For example after using the mixer jar she used to keep them back unwashed as it is. So when ever I wanted to use, it used be either dirty or I had to cleann it myself. I showed my husband many times what happens and he said he will tell. Not sure if he has told her or not. One day I felt enough is enough and then told her upfront not to do. She started defending that she keeps the jar like that intentionally as she plans to use them next day. I told her on face I don't like to use a messy jar so please wash it or get it done my maid. She felt very offensive but i did not care.
And if the kitchen is very dirty, I will ask my help to clean it up without thinking much about it.
I can understand these things trigger us a lot but these are things which can be easily ignored either by making alternate plans.
So just relax and enjoy

Thyagarajan · Jan 22, 2023

Sometimes tit for tat or pay in the same coin helps.
A Dil was heard saying to Mil when latter questioned her of not keeping the counter uncluttered and clean.
"My dear "ma" I have learnt and learn things only from you. Everytime you use kitchen counter- you leave it cluttered and so I concluded that you love things unclean ugly and unattended" . This shocked enough the rigid Mil.

Viswamitra · Feb 3, 2023

@aarth0203,

What you are encountering is real-life difficulty most DILs face in a joint-family in India. You have a great career, wonderful daughter, and loving husband who understands your situation well. Mostly, MIL trying to put down DIL is her jealousy of sharing her love for her son with you. Once you understand the root cause of this problem, You will come to the following conclusion:

1) It will give you strength to distance yourself from the environment at home that creates mental disturbances. You don't have to give importance to the noise outside unless it adds value to you or improves your relationship with your husband.

2) Every life is a mix of pleasure and pain. Express your gratitude to the Lord for your excellent career, a wonderful child, and loving husband in the pooja room verbally. This will work wonder in your subconscious mind removing the undercurrent of your mind suffering due to unnecessary interference from your MIL.

3) Assume it is difficult to fix your MIL from what she is doing. You can change your emotional reactions to her interference internally. In your heart, forgive her by repeating the mantra that she is doing what she does only to gain importance in the family. But don't express that openly to her.

4) Reduce the activities you do in your MIL's presence and spend more time after work with your daughter and husband. Assign only limited hours with your MIL and during that time, smile as much as you could and be nice to her. Even though you may not see immediate effect, over a period of time, she will give up her attitude towards you.

5) Every response you do to make her understand how hurt you are by her actions, only strengthens her determination to do more as she can she herself the impact of her actions. If your responses are minimum and if you show you are unaffected by her interference in your life, it will frustrate her and withdraw from her indifferent attitude eventually.

My best wishes to you for a happy life.