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Bad Relationship with MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by deepd, Apr 1, 2010.

  1. deepd

    deepd Gold IL'ite

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    Dear ILs,

    This is my first post to IL as am very new in this forum.
    I have a terrible problem with my in laws.
    First of all i ll give u a brief history. Ours was a luv mrg 4 yrs ago. with a lots of troubles initially but finally we got married with both parent's consent. My FIL is no more. and my MIL stays near to her parents (still alive and very active) home in some other city.
    After marriage we visited her place thrice, where i went alone twice to her place.During these visits i learnt abt her past after my FIL's death. Which was not good of course.
    For my mil most imp thing in life is money. no emotions and no relations. She never liked me or my family. Even when my father passed away last year , none of my in laws visited my moms place nor they called her or even me.
    after a couple of months my mil started calling us. Now am carrying and she expects that she should be there for my delivery. When i told her that my mom will also come she got angry and stopped talking to me. after that incident she never calls us if my Dh calls her she does'nt speak much.
    I need help from u on this. I dont want to talk to her as she always creates politics. She always listens to her parents who tell her to support my sil and not us.
    I am thinking on this day in and day out but not able to get any solution.

    Sorry for the long post.
    Hope u experienced ladies will help me.

    Thanks,
    Deep
     
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Deep congrats for your pregnancy... think about the baby and its welfare and not the people around... more the merrier... leave it to them to resolve their conflicts.

    Ok some Indian societies especially in the north have the custom of delivering in the presence of inlaws.. whether they can be of real help or no.. .I guess they simply use that opportunity to eat and eat all rich items that reach home in the name of new mother.... and collect gifts and pass sarcasm to their DILs.

    I really wonder whats the reason of such inlaws to be present.. whether to ensure that the baby was acutally delivered and not just hired & placed like soap operas :crazy or the EGO to hold the baby first or to tell their sons how much they help in tought time when they pass more tough words and time to their DILs.

    If you're sure that you want your mom to be there then be prepared for further drama to unfold with some earplugs.. if your MIL is already angry let her be.. are you really missing her not talking to you?... inlaws anyhow remain upset on one pretext or the other.. so why not +1 for a reason thats finally going to get a lot of moral & physical support to you in terms of your mother :thumbsup.
     
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    looks similar to my mil deep she never cared or called my mom after dads demise i started ignoring all this.
    you take care of yourself i honestly belive a mom is better option than mil when comes to delivery phase as we can ask mom to cook or do some work and have much liberty and can be free with parents than in laws
    explained your dh same i am sure he will agree too
     
  4. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Deep,

    During delivery you need your mother. Explain this to your DH. If he is supportive, then no problem. If your MIL throws tantrums saying she won't come if your mom comes too, then just tell her that she is welcome to come and its her decision. But don't make the mistake of asking your mom not to come to make your MIL happy. Its not worth it.

    About supporting SIL, some parents are like that, they would not mind creating problems in their own son's family but will support their daughters very much. When that is the case, you have to accept it as unfortunate and move on.

    Count your blessings, not your problems. :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2010
  5. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    First of all dont stress yourself and think of the problems since its not good during pregnancy. You have called your mil and fullfilled your duty , if she makes a fuss just because you have called your mother then it is her problem. Just leave her alone. You just try to be happy and enjoy your pregnancy moment.
     
  6. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Your husband should be given the task of dealing with his mom and convince her. You need to focus ONLY on your and your babies health.

    Good luck.
     
  7. devirama

    devirama New IL'ite

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    Dear deepd,

    Congrats on your preg. I would suggest to you please have your mom there. As someone else suggested if mil wants to be there fine but have your mom.

    when i was preg. with my first one and my mom was ready to come , my fil phoned me and told me mil wants to come first and then your mom can come.. well Dh said yes and my mum said fine she would come after one month. now mil lands on 9th eve as 10th is my expected date ... half way into that day(i.e 10th ) she asks me is the date correct, is the doc sure... well i smiled politely and told her yes date is true but as you know babies have thier own timing... well baby was slightly overdue :))

    As the baby is born , she makes long calls to all relatives in India including mine to inform then she is here and baby is born in front of her.. she wants to be there when doc wants to examine me internally, i asked the doc to politely ask her to leave...
    cooks breakfast before DH leaves for office then whole day sits and watches tv till evening b4 DH is coming back... and after 11th day she goes to visit some relative in other town leaving me and dh to handle everyhting....in short i had a horrible time with mil.

    So next preg. no mil i asked my Godmother to come and i know pil were pissed off but DH was firm. he knew what happened last time and jokingly told me he can't cook and handle the elder kid and baby and me :))

    now after many years i haven't forgotten it and i know many mils r great but if you are not in good terms with mil.. have your mom during that time.

    My two cents

    take care,
    Rama.
     
  8. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Congrats and wishing you great happiness with the one to come....
    now as all have advised please stick to your decision of having Mom around for the elivery for atleast 2 months. thereafter if MIL wants to come then pl make sure you have full time help as she will most probably not do much.
    Also you can suggest if MIL wishes to see the kid she is most welcome to come for 1-2 days visit after delivery.
    K
     
  9. deepd

    deepd Gold IL'ite

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    hello Shilpa, Lavii, Sita, Shruti, Beeamma, Rama and Kelly,

    Thanks for quick replies from all of you. I am very much relaxed now. All of you suugested correctely that MIL will create more problems during delivery. When i ll need peace of mind the most. So i have firmly told my DH that only my Mom will come and we are not going to call my MIL for that. If she wishes to see the baby shes most welcome after delivery. and hes ok with this.
    Now am focussing my attention to my health and baby.
    Because thinking abt these things will affect me and baby.

    As all of u suggested the same thing so i can out of guilt now. I was feeling guilty that i am being harsh to my Dh if i ask my mil not to come.
    Thanks all you ladies for helping me out and specially rama and lavii for sharing ur experiences with me.
     

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