Bad Experience With Desi's!!!

That guru was talking to westerners about "cheated-on" aspects of relationships.
"Cheated me..." versus "Cheated on me..." would be a good lesson in English preposition usage.
The latter is used when one of the trothed parties, goes out of the troth, and shares <the whatever that was given away in exclusive rights in the first troth> with another. I am guilty of watching soap operas in America. Someone is always cheating ON someone. And these days "breaking up" with a text message is also trending on these television dramas.

In this thread, for the case of the non-alvida, ex-neighbor, the OP didn't think she had any exclusive rights to loyalty at all. It is just that the final break up came without warning, and the friendship disappeared like it never was, although in all dealings it seemed to be there. OP was talking about desis taking advantage of other desis in a new neighborhood, and then, when all the help is received and enjoyed, not being nice in return.

"The Case of the Non-alvida ex-Neighbor" could be a nice title for a mystery novel.

 

This is exactly what runs in my mind too?

Dear OP,

You are talking about two Desi neighbors, and not about some friends or close relatives, right?
You called them often as you are bored. You assume that they must be also bored as you, since they are house wives, and generally spend a lot of time in the outside chatting.
But do you know that every individual is unique, and we just can't generalize them just because they also fall the same category as you. i.e housewives; hence bored.
Perhaps, they have some sound hobbies, time pass, social media or sometimes tiresome workload at home. It depends on their timings, multitasking abilities, demands etc...

I am a working woman, and I do almost all the chores at my home without any domestic helpers. Even then, I have ample time left to enjoy my personal time in the social media and with friends.
My SIL is a housewife, she has a full time maid, yet she is busy all the time. She says, she has no time even to read or respond to our whatapp family group. She misses it badly and regrets for being unaware of so many happenings that we happily share.
So, is there anything that I could regret? No... I just learnt to accept that we are two different individuals.

Just like, your neighbors may be house wives, but busy bees at home with no free time or boredom to pick up the phone and make a call to you for just casual chats. But they maintained it just by calling whenever there is a need. I would do the same with my neighbors too. After all, neighbors are neighbors and not friends, right.

They may have time to spend in the backyards or streets, but that is their way of time pass. How can you expect them to kill their boredom by calling you, because you chose it that way.

I assume your neighbors have at least casually informed you about vacating their houses, but not officially bid a good bye on the day of vacating.
If that so, I wouldn't feel bad about it.
Because I would do the same too. I have lived in so many countries and had so many neighbors who are good to me.
As you said, we exchanged food, talked, and called each other if there is a purpose. When we left, or they left, the information is casually passed during the previous meetings. But I never felt it was necessary to officially bid good byes, unless we had time or energy or the mood to do that on the day of vacating.
In fact, we have told them about the new place and all. So, I felt it is enough. I even did not make it a problem when they did the same.
These neighbors became only a memory, as we have never tried to contact them after that. That's it. Again, they are not friends.
But in some places, we made friends among the neighbors, and that was different.
These friends are the first to approach kind of people in the alien lands, and they were always special. So, this is different story.

 

Who thinks Mr. Rogers was a creep or the show creepy? I mean in a substantive sense - not just in a random fake-newsy way? "Neighborhood" was one of the longest running shows (1968-2001) on television. Rogers was a recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

 

OP, you are not alone in feeling this way, nor is this phenomenon restricted to desis. This instability of personal ties in modern life has been commented upon extensively. One evocative phrase that comes to mind in this context is "Liquid Modernity", a term coined by the sociologist Zygmunt Bauman. He has explored the fragility and volatility of human bonds in just the sense that you are talking about, in his book "Liquid Love". I am not advocating that you run off to read the book (ZB can be something of an acquired taste; and besides, I'm not a fan of flogging a metaphor to death - it's probably those pesky publishers in search of a franchise!) - I'm just trying to reassure you that what you describe is a condition of our postmodern lives and there are others who might agree with you.

In addition to the many ideas expressed in the posts here (busy lives, asymmetry in the perception of a relationship and so on), you might consider the disappearance of formal manners. Some of the people you describe may not be 'selfish' in quite the nasty way we conceive of that trait. They may simply have no schooling in manners. While it may not be necessary that they come to your door on the day of the move to say goodbye, it would certainly be appropriate and good manners to at least call and say "I'll really miss your baking" or "thanks for minding the dog". And if they were indeed stopping over the day before to borrow stuff, but did not say a word about the impending move, then that is at least thoughtless and ill mannered, if not downright cagey. If on the other hand, they did tell you about the move in casual conversation, but you still expected them to stop by and say goodbye, then perhaps you have a more formal sense of manners of a kind that is disappearing.

Good Luck with better friends!

 

Yes. Fred Rogers got the medal of Freedom. When he passed away, I had thought his chances for a Nobel Peace Prize went poof. And then there were reminiscences about Fred .... many were good, but some were also critical, and astute. Perhaps it is the way we had evolved to ascribe certain speech/behavior patterns to certain characters. A middle name of McFeely did not help at all.

It's a Sad Day in the Neighborhood.
Mr. Rogers taught me a valuable lesson as a kid: Stay away from creapy men in sweaters and loafers.
posted by bondcliff at 9:39 AM on August 30, 2001

I HATED Mr. Rogers from a very early age. My dad says that I loved Sesame street and all of the characters, but that I would not watch Mr. R after 2 or 3 episodes.
Even now, he totally creeps me out. The voice sounds so insincere to me, and I get the impression that he's (patiently) talking down to his audience. And the puppets gave me nightmares that I still remember.
All I can think of (and I know this is unfair) is a very patient child molestor. Sort of like a very smooth Gollum looking at tasty little hobbits.
I wish I wasn't such a curmudgeon, but I'm good at it.
posted by Irontom at 9:31 AM on August 30, 2001

 

Here's the jacket blurb from Amazon for "Liquid Love":

"This book is about the central figure of our contemporary, ‘liquid modern’ times – the man or woman with no bonds, and particularly with none of the fixed or durable bonds that would allow the effort of self-definition and self-assertion to come to a rest. Having no permanent bonds, the denizen of our liquid modern society must tie whatever bonds they can to engage with others, using their own wits, skill and dedication. But none of these bonds are guaranteed to last. Moreover, they must be tied loosely so that they can be untied again, quickly and as effortlessly as possible, when circumstances change – as they surely will in our liquid modern society, over and over again.
The uncanny frailty of human bonds, the feeling of insecurity that frailty inspires, and the conflicting desires to tighten the bonds yet keep them loose, are the principal themes of this important new book by Zygmunt Bauman, ....."

Now, does it not capture your feelings?

 

Moved to Adda - didn't want to divert OP's thread.

 

Dear OP I agree with your views ... I have had similar experiences with Desi's ..particularly at work place.Desi's supporting locals more than fellow countrymen , being hostile at tunes but very sweet with locals,wit holding infirmation etc.
I have always wondered about this since last decade of my NRI years but somehow never understand this psychology. I have learnt to ignore but I must say I have felt hurt at times