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Bad Atmosphere At Home.

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by sneha1985, Jul 2, 2020.

  1. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    My parents are here in US with me and stuck here because of COVID-19. In a way I am happy because I am getting to spend more time with them, but ever since I was growing up we have had issues with relatives and my mom would always bring it up every few days. This affected my and my bro's mental health, our life and in a way our studies too.

    My mom went through bad domestic violence for the initial 5 years of her married life since my dad was mama's boy and even after they got separated from my dad's side family, there was still some pressure on my mom from their side and from my dad as well. My mom went into depression for 10years and somehow got out of it. Anyways, fast forward, there was a lot of fights and now my dad side's relatives are no more in contact with us. I thought that would make life easier, but no. It's been 7 years that my dad retire and ever since then, every other day my mom brings up how she was tortured all her life. My dad now understands it and accepts that whatever he did was wrong and always takes my mom's side and follows whatever she says. In a way I was happy being in US as I don't have to listen to it over and over every other day. I too understand she has been through bad times, but I don't understand how is the past going to be fixed now if she keeps bringing it up.

    It has increased in last couple years i.e. if anything happens in the world whether it's related to my life, politics or anything, my mom will try to talk about it and then slowly divert that topic back to how inlaws treated her, starts blaming my dad for not speaking up for her back then and then it gets converted into small fights. I see my dad crying after that and he has got super quite in last few years. She does that here in US as well. I have tried telling her to invest her time or take interest in learning something else, but nothing works. She only likes to cook, look at whatsapp messages and talk about relatives and connect everything in the world to the past.

    Today it was worst, they both fought and I heard my dad crying and telling her that's her behavior is affecting his mental health now. He is not able to take it anymore and is not able to sleep at nights. He agrees and knows he was bad in past, but repeating it every other day is not going to improve anything. I had to raise my voice and tell my mom to stop it as these things have already affected her in life and others in the family too. But whenever I speak up, she fights back with me saying I don't want to understand her or what all she has been through. Or she will say that since I got educated and started earning money, I don't want to hear her and I am disrespecting her.

    All I want is for them to spend their rest of the life happy without bringing up their past every now and then. Also I have lost my grandparents and my Mama(mom's bro) as their mental health had weakened out due to similar reasons, so I am afraid of losing my parents too. I and my bro have tried fixing this for last many years, but nothing seems to work. Not sure if things will ever get fixed, but I wanted to vent it out as there is no one else I could go and speak too.
     
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  2. startinganew

    startinganew Finest Post Winner

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    Deleted....(Was originally a needlessly long reply that didn't seem appropriate in after-thought)
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2020
  3. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear of your situation. Your mom has faced a lot , when it really mattered. So, it is not easy for her to forget and behave like nothing happened and she was happy. What u say is right, her bringing it up frequently will only make matters worse between them - but clearly she is not in a position to think so objectively. Since u have tried asking her to let things be, you can now just advice your father in private, that better he does not expect her to change and that he learns to let go and not take it to heart and divert his activities to something pleasant which he enjoys. There is nothing more that you can do.
     
    sneha1985 and Rihana like this.
  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Op
    I understand it's of no use to bring up the past and destroy the present happiness and peace at home, but from what your Mom has gone through she has definitely lost her precious youth suffering from abusive in laws and husband and one cannot forget and forgive that easily, your father is now regretting for his actions which is to late, your Mom is relating every incident to her past is quite natural because her wounds are not healed yet.
    OP, I may not be as old as your Mom, but me to suffered a lot with my In-laws especially my Mil for almost 18 years, my husband is a very nice guy but extremely good Son to my in laws and affectionate brother to my sisters in law, he was so blinded by their love that he didn't even notice me and what I was going through, both my sisters in law where in different states but virtually ruled my life, they ruined my entire youth, my earlier marriage day's, my pregnancy, my mother hood, etc etc it can go on and on..
    Fast forward today... both my in laws are no more, Sisters in law have their very own extended families and has very less contact with their brother after their parents demise, they may call once or twice in a year that to formal calls, now I have a very beautiful care free life, I am in my 40's my daughter is studying abroad, so its only me and my hubby, but alas my first 20 years of marriage was full of problems and struggle, however hard I try to forget but every small incidents remind's me of my past, but I don't want to spoil this peace full atmosphere so I hardly discuss my past with hubby, sometimes I mention very casually to him what his Mom and sisters had done to me but will never extend any discussion...
    Now coming to your mother not every individual are alike, whenever she brings out any topic of her past your Dad should admit his mistake and ask sorry even if it is innumerable times , your Dad has no right to fight back for what all he has done, he has to remain calm when she is showing her frustrations or say sorry and leave that area for some time, slowly your mother will learn to get over it, but if your Dad argues back then I bet the situation wont improve.
     
    sneha1985, hermitcrab and Rihana like this.
  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    To OP
    THE WHOLE WORLD spins on its axis and slmost every old mother and some times old dads too cant breath without past. It would look they are in constant anticipation something in current with some gory past and sting the partner or spouse. It must be running in the blood stream and unlike aspirins for blood thinning no aspirin yet invented to overcome this olds' trait.
    God Bless the oldies universe with better hobbies & pastimes.
     
    sneha1985 likes this.
  6. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Honestly, I feel like you mom is trying to get back to your dad for what he has done. She might not be knowing it, but it might give her some satisfaction when she sees your dad suffering from her words or actions now. That is probably why she is doing that. Both parties are wrong in their own way. However, smart idea would be to concentrate on present and move on. If you feel like intervening, separate them when these episodes start. I do not know if that is easy, if it is in my home, I could do it, not all parents want to listen to the kids. If it gets to a point where it affects the whole family's emotional balance some one has to intervene and get them help. Especially these times when we are not going outside and stuck with each other.
     
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  7. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    Sneha, I searched your name and came across this post of yours-
    https://indusladies.com/community/t...d-ever-but-i-feel-a-need-of-companion.306275/
    When I first read your current post, I felt great sympathy for your mom, but after reading the above post - I feel you need to take care of your mental health first- she is creating so much stress in your life . . You need some relief from all this.You must ask your mother to support you and not give further stress. Make emotional appeal to her how to help you get out of stress and be positive.

    The main issue is that your mom has threatened to stop talking to you if you get married to anyone . She refused to meet any guys or their parents , when any guy from matrimonial site was interested in you. Now, you are trying hard to get married, and instead of trying to provide an iota of support, for her the pressing issue is what happened ages ago. Its not wrong of her to complain , but complain almost daily? Please focus on the priority things first- all else will fall into place.

    You have invited them to your house, they should enjoy this precious time with you rather than spoiling your peace. She has suffered, domestic abuse is the worst, and really cannot expect her to be happy with him now just because he changed. But it is sad that as kids, you/bro were pulled into it and affected. As for judging who is right and wrong, your dad is wrong ofcourse. Your mom has right to complain but not to abuse him. You cannot be responsible for someone who is making no effort to change.

    I feel you are totally entangled in this - looking after them since childhood. That's good, i admire it, I also care a lot for my parents. But you cannot allow her to spoil your mental health by her being irresponsible and creating bad atmosphere at home. You are losing sight of the main issue completely. Please focus on your life first.

    And Im extremely sorry, I really dont mean to hurt you by speaking against your parents. I just wanted to advice stop being so excessively sacrificing and prioritise your life. You mentioned that your bro has completely washed his hands off taking any responsibility for parents, as he considers them responsible for neglecting his marriage and now he is unmarried due to them. I know you feel excessively responsible for parents, and are ready to sacrifice your life and job-abroad also. But please dont be so sacrificing, try to be balanced - dont let their issues consume you totally.
     
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2020
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  8. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    80% of your mother's generation will have similar story. And 60% or more in our generation will face domestic abuse. All this talk of being progressive for DILs is for very less percentage of the population.
    Where I am getting to is: it is very common, though it was bad- that's the norm of our society (tell this to your mother). You and your mother cannot change the society and deep rooted ways.
    You tell them that in your house they cannot fight. Period. They can stay in their own rooms/ designated spaces and not talk to each other. Be like a preschool teacher - telling stuff to kids who are not being nice to one another.
    Please do not feel sad about your 'crying dad', believe me people do not change. Your mother has empowered herself, and because of that your father is lying low. The moment he feels powerful- relative to your mother- he will be mean to her. Your mother is also doing the drama- to tell that she is the boss; she is worried that if she doesn't display this constant drama- she might be attacked again. They have both done bad to each other and continuing to do it to each other.
    This is their relationship dynamic- they like this- leave it to them.
    Keep your life separate. You take care of yourself. And start putting down some ground rules- because it is your house- you can tell them how to behave.
    You can try any important thing only if you emotionally distance yourself from them- this is very important. You have to separate from them emotionally. You have your duties towards them but also towards yourself. Takecare of yourself first!
     
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  9. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    very well said!




    @Sneha19 (and @hermitcrab )just to clarify , we should not normalise domestic violence. We should not say that we have to accept domestic violence because that's the norm in society, because it is only we who can change the society.

    What your dad did is absolutely wrong. Your mom has all rights to complain - because she has truly suffered. But she has no right to drag you into it and make you suffer, because its your fathers fault not yours. You really need to focus on your life first which you completely neglected . And your house is not the place for it.

    My point is if a woman has to silently put up with domestic violence , its not right . We should not say entire society is like this and accept it . Your mom is doing the only thing she can . Complaining about it doesn't make your mom a bad person- for a woman , it was not at all easy to escape a bad marriage inspite of domestic violence, so they become like this. But their children should not be dragged into it at the expense of their mental health , that's it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2020
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  10. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    Agreed @sandhya2020 that we should not normalize/trivialize domestic abuse.
    But- I have seen that when someone keeps on saying something like a broken record, and no logic is getting to them, and one wants the broken record to stop desperately, then the pushback I suggested works wonderfully. The push back I suggested was to trivialize what the person can't stop talking about.
    Obviously, OP has tried the logic, persuasion, other nicer methods, but it not working.
    The pushback I suggested will stop her mother- it is a cruel thing to say but OP has to takecare of herself- at whatever cost.
     
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