Back to Warning Bells - The Emotional Unaffordability Of Our Gifts!

radha_chennai · Feb 12, 2007

wow manjula what a great post.I have become an ardent fan of your writings here.Keep it up . you illuminate IL with your presence:2thumbsup:
radha

vmur · Feb 12, 2007

I second you Kamla and Radha! Manju, what a writer you are!

I like the way you cross-fertilize your thought process and just pen it down as your thoughts flow.

Regards
Vidya

varalotti · Feb 13, 2007

Most Gracious ILites,

At present I am enjoying the unique privilege of wishing 3000 plus ladies on this wonderful site, "Happy Valentine's Day."

As the technology of giving electronic roses has not yet been refined and made commercially available, I am offering the roses which Kambar offered on the happy occasion of Sita eyeing Rama in the streets of Mithila.

As part of Valentines Day celebrations please visit the thread
Happy Valentines Day! Let's Celebrate With KC Kambar!
and leave your comments there.

This time, Ladies, you will have do more than just praising or criticising, which you have been doing all these days. Want to know the details? Please visit the thread.

Take care, play safe and have a great Valentines day!
regards,
sridhar

Vidya24 · Feb 13, 2007

Dear Sridhar,

Am taking the liberty/exercising the audacity to reply in this thread, after you have posted the next topic, and after all has been said and done. Also am calling on the fact that there are no last words in your forums.

Emotional affordability of gifts- is old wine in a new name. Still, just because something is old does not mean that it should not be brought up again. A gentle nudge to remind us, to recant to us is also welcome. And regardless of whether we have read it in Womens Era or Scientific American, it still has a lot to teach us. In today's modern world of tensions and pretensions, we often forget what gifts mean to us -sometimes the giver and sometimes, the receiver.

I am trying to recollect the words of Marilyn Strathern, she spoke on the gender of gifts. In the most isolated tribal and island communities a gift is rendered in its purest, pristine form. As an offering with no return expected. But us in modern tech slick, cocktail societies- be it with a wife, a child, a governemnet offical, even God- we bargain and barter. We do not gift unconditionally, we exchange one set of commodities or emotions or services for something in return.

And then when the accounts do not tally we whine on how the gift was unaffordable in more ways than one.

When this happens, we end up feeling bitter and left out starched, laundered and hung out to dry--

And when we are receivers, we often do not receive with grace and gratitude. We receive in competition, in expectation.And we are waiting for an opportunity to return the gift, at times to return equally, at times to surpass.

And end up starched,laundered----

Not surprising that we do not end up enjoying many celebrations for their significance or participation, but often for the gifts.

Valentines Day can help us review our notions on gifts. Most young men (in their avtars as boy friends, fiances, husbands--) cannot afford the jin bang of chocolates, red lingerie, red roses- still go with the flow, not wanting to be left out, not wanting to spend the night in the dog house. Do we need gifts to speak of our love? No, as u showed us in the KC Kambar love poem today,' a look will suffice!

All life is a gift,ladies. Enjoy! Happy Valentines Day! And you too, Indhusri n Varalotti!

affly
Vidya

vidyasarada · Feb 13, 2007

Dear V-24
Loved that expression:" starched, laundered, hung out to dry !"
On some occassions ( one of those "unfair" kinds ), I go through this fleeting discomfitting emotion - no ,not emotion, rather a state which had thus far remained unnamed, undeciphered. But reading your words, I had the Aha ! moment. Thats it. The exact feeling: Starched-Laundered-Hung out !

Thanks for aiding self- discovery :wave

VS

Vidya24 · Feb 14, 2007

VS sayanag,

Thanks, welcome to the club! Starched,laundered,hung out to dry, press ironed and then wrinkled in ten seconds- story of my many moments!

Saw yr Valentine Days post, calling yourself 'arai kizham'. Can't, won't believe it. Your words are bubbly and chirpy! Moi- manathil narai vizhundu vittathu, ninaippil jarai kalandu vittathu--

Varalotti will be fuming and frothing at my attempts on Tamil poetry!

Cheers Sayang! You are doing fine! As for your thanks for aiding self-discovery - always glad to walk by you on the Zen path. Remember the doha by Priya Rajvansh in Hanste Zakham 'sab dikhate doosri rasta, koi chalta nahin saath do kadam'. We aint doing that in IL.

(I am really getting old, if I am spouting lines from Hanste Zakham)

affly
Vidya

varalotti · Feb 17, 2007

Thanks For Accepting Me, Varudhini

Dear Varudhini,

Honestly I was moved by your words, "Your sign does not matter to most of us. You are our Sridhar that's all."

I am very proud of being accepted and assure you that I will do my best to
deserve it for all time to come.

Since yours was the very first post in this thread, let me explain the origin of this article. I first wrote the incident concerning Vel and his handicapped wife as a short story. It was published in Anandha Vikatan in January 2003 (title: Unarvukalum Parisukalum) It got me a special award of Rs. 5,000 as it was a Muthirai Kathai (a story with a special stamp of quality).

I translated the story into English and sent it to Womans Era, which promptly rejected the story. Then I wrote this article and made that story a part of the article. It was published.

Happy to note that you still remember it.

I enjoyed writing the lines which you have very lovingly quoted. I am happy that you liked it too.
Thanks for being the first to praise me.
regards,
sridhar

varalotti · Feb 17, 2007

I do not want to interfere at this point

Dear Manjula,
I was reading the exchange of views beween you and Sriranjani with interest. I do not want to interfere in the case law of Manjula vs. Sriranjani. Not even as an Amicus Curiae, a friend of the Court who interferes in a case to help the court arrive at a decision.
But I will be replying to your second post.
Bouquets or brickbats, you deliver it in style. And I love the package and the courier though we need to discuss the contents, which we will do shortly
regards,
sridhar

varalotti · Feb 17, 2007

That is the Problem, Sihi!

Dear Sihi,

Many times we know that there is a problem in what we gave or did. But we are not able to pin point the cause. Let's say your friend wants to borrow your most favourite silk saree. How will you feel?

Now the problem with most of the people, that they are obliged to give. And many people do give, lest others should think ill of them. But suppose the saree is returned to you with an oil stain. How will you feel? Your relationship with that friend will be shaken.

The whole idea behind my writing this article is to help us know that at times we make a gift which we cannot emotionally afford. And we suffer later.

Now lets re-wind and do the saree borrowig scene again. Suppose your friend asks to borrow. You tell her in so many sweet words, "dear sentimentally I am against lending my saree. I have a superstition that if I lend a saree to someone, I will lose that relationship. I dont want to lose you, my dear. Hope you will understand."
She will know any way that you are smart. But that unpleasantness will go away after some time.

Now about people not reciprocating your gifts. Yes it is bad, Sihi. But I would suggest that when you decide to gift, always think, that the person is not going to reciprocate your gift. Then if the person gives a gift you will be happy; and if she does not you wont be unhappy.

When you give a gift, Sihi, make it a complete and a perfect give. Give it with love and never expect anything in return. With this attitude very soon you will be flooded with gifts, much more valuable than you can ever begin to imagine.
Thanks for the participation,
regards,
sridhar

varalotti · Feb 17, 2007

Maintaining the Right Distance.... Yes, thats the crux!

Dear Deepa,

Thanks for all the kind words you have about me and my writings. Maintaining the right distance is the key word.

While we should not be cold and calculative and devoid of emotions in a relationship, we will have to maintain the right distance.

Have we not seen very thick friends eating from the same plate, drinking cool drinks with two straws and one bottle, soon become worst enemies? The problem, is the absence of a minimum distance.

Human relationship is all about giving space to others. Kahlil Gibran says that even between a husband and a wife, there should be some distance or the marriage will not stand. I have already quoted Gibrans words. You may use this link to read them.
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/indian-stories/2023-love-one-another-but-make.html

Thanks once again for your kind words,
regards,
sridhar